Stoner Memoirs

Thoughts are the shadows of feelings, always darker, emptier, and simpler.
I don't care if they're fake or real, I just thank them for showing up at all.
I have black periods. Who does not? But they are not a part of me;
they are not a part of illness, but a part of my being. What am I saying?
I have the courage to have them. Three o' clock in the morning. This sucks.

Another night spent alone. I've been laying in bed for hours, listening to my Stolen Scrolls mix tape, and eating sunflower seeds, desperately aching for a friend. I've always been a bit of an outcast, since the first time I moved in 2nd grade. I have since been to 18 schools, 3 mental hospitals, and 2 residential treatment centers, without making a single lasting friend along the way.

I guess that's why I roleplay. It makes me feel valued. I lost my virginity at 15, but I've never made love. Does that even make sense? I've had boyfriends and girlfriends, but never lovers.

I'm 19 years old, and I'm drunk, just about everyday. I'm stuck in a rut. I need a serious change, or I'm gonna go crazy.

I'm 19 years old, and I'm drunk, just about everyday. I'm stuck in a rut.

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I was there when I was nineteen, and eighteen, and seventeen, and twenty and twenty-one. It sucked.

The only thing that worked for me was making a goal I thought I couldn't complete and then spending a year seriously going for it. Single-mindedly, head down, stubbornly, completely pursuing one thing. I didn't get it after the first year, but I did after the second, and the last year and a half have been pretty tight because of it.

My life is totally different now. I'm a hell of a lot happier. Along the way I made some pretty good friends that actually really care about me. I've even made love, having been in the same boat with you in that regard.

I had a dream and worked my hardest to pluck it from the stars. My fingers weren't even burnt as I cradled it in my palms. Instead, I have my dream, and I am working towards the next one, and every day after I get up I smile.

It is a simple formula. Find something you want very, very badly. Do everything in your power to get it, even in the face of potential failure. Every time you fail, try a new tactic, lacking that get better at the old one. Don't be afraid to ask for help as you will need it and it is a sign of strength. Be liberal with your gratitude as you will need help again and it will make people like you.

Yeah, it took a couple years of hard work--but I get to hold my dream to my chest until the day I die, and it has already been a year and a half, and I imagine it will be at least fifty-five years before I die.

Let me know if you ever find yourself in Washington. I've got a whole group of friendly sorts that you're welcome to kick it with.