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Do My Roleplaying Skills Need Improving?

MysticSparxman

Supernova
Joined
Nov 2, 2012
Location
England
Hiya people of BlueMoon. :)

I've been roleplaying for a number of years now, but recently, I've started to think that maybe my roleplaying skills aren't as good as they should be. I'm going to put up a few posts, starting with some older ones and ending with some newer ones, and I'd appreciate it if anyone could tell me if anyone can see anything that might need improving with my roleplaying skills.

Anyway, here are the posts.

((This is from an intro to an Elemental roleplay I done back in 2011.))

It was around midday on a Thursday, and the skies were a dark grey, almost black. There weren’t many people who were out and about, be it humans or Elementals. Even though there weren’t many people who were out, there were still more humans out, because many of the Elementals were still afraid they could be spotted by a passing E.E.U. Many of them feared for their lives considering the sheer amount of Elementals who had already lost their lives at the hands of E.E.U’s. There just happened to be one Elemental who was nothing like this. His name was Marrick, and even though he knew of the risks the E.E.U’s posed, he wasn’t afraid of them. He actually looked forward to running into them, and sometimes he would even seek them out which was what he had done before he had reached this town. Of course, there was a reason for this. There was a reason he hated the E.E.U’s, and more importantly, the O.E.E. so much. Marrick had encountered a small group of soldiers from an E.E.U, a few miles out, and he had killed them all. On top of that, he had thought nothing of it and had simply proceeded onto the town to spend the night. By midday, Marrick had already showered and eaten. He had also cleaned his sword which was something he would do every day. It was around half an hour later that Marrick left the motel and made his way to his silver and black Shelby Mustang GT500 at the exit of the town. Once in his car, he set his sword down beside him in the passenger seat.

Because he hadn’t been sure where the next town was, he had asked someone from the town he had just left. He had managed to find out where the next town was and also how long it would take him to get there, which was why he had left when he did. Marrick didn’t really like staying in one place too long anyway, which was why he had decided to only spend the night in the previous town. How long he was going to spend in the next town, he wasn’t quite sure, but there again, he would have to get there first. Not that he minded the drive, because it would give him time to think about things. Listening to music also helped with this, and he picked up a cd and stuck it in the CD player. The first song that started to play was ‘Keep the Faith’ by Bon Jovi. Not recognising the song at first, Marrick let the song reach the chorus, and as soon as it did, he shook his head. ”Hmph, what faith.” He muttered to himself as he changed the song. He changed the song to that of a more upbeat one. Not really paying too much attention to the song, he simply let it play as he kept his eye on the road in front of him. Marrick was more focused on getting to the next town, and if the person he had spoken to was correct, he would manage to get there in a little over two hours. The CD played through and Marrick didn’t bother changing it after it had finished. He simply continued to drive as he wanted to reach the next town as quick as he could.

It was around two and a half hours later when the town finally came into view. The time had just turned 3pm, and as he approached the town, he slowed down before finally stopping right on the outskirts of the town. Marrick would do what he normally did. He would inspect the town, and if he liked it, he would stay for a little while. If he didn’t, well it was simple....he would just move on. Picking up his sheathed sword, he got out of the car, closed the door and placed the sheathed sword on his back. The wind had started to pick up, and it had blown strands of his white hair across his face. It caused him to tuck the strands of hair behind his ear as he started to walk into the town. His light blue eyes would move from building to building and he would also look at what people were actually out and about in the town. Marrick wasn’t really paying much attention to most of the people he had seen. He had managed to spot some Elementals, but there weren’t many...just as he had expected. Getting further into the town, Marrick took a left turn, and shortly after walking past another building, something caused him to stop. His light blue eyes had become focused on a certain group of people who looked to be at the other end of town. Narrowing his eyes, he slowly reached for the sword on his back.

The small group of people he had spotted weren’t just an ordinary group of people. They happened to be a small group of soldiers from an E.E.U. With his sword in one hand, Marrick started to make his way towards the soldiers. As he was making his way towards them, not only did his arm start to glow with energy, but his eyes had gradually become bright white. Close to the soldiers was the van they would normally travel in and Marrick focused on this as a ball of light energy formed in his hand. It started to circulate in his hand as more and more energy was put into it. The soldiers hadn’t noticed him just yet as they were talking amongst themselves. Marrick decided to use this to his advantage and when the ball of light energy had become bigger than a basketball, he pulled his arm back and launched it forward. The ball of energy flew at the van at a high velocity, and seconds later, it struck the van. This caused the van to explode. The explosion knocked the soldiers off their feet and it killed one unlucky soldier who had been standing too close to the van. As soon as the van had exploded, Marrick ran straight at the stunned soldiers as they were struggling to get to their feet. Some of the soldiers were injured from the blast, and it was these soldiers Marrick went straight for. The first soldier had blood pouring down his head. He ignored this and thrust his sword right through the chest of the soldier. The look on Marrick’s face wasn’t that of a friendly one and he looked into the soldier’s eyes, smirking as the life slowly drained from his face. ”I’m just getting started sunshine.” He laughed a little as he pulled the sword from the dead soldier’s chest. The soldier dropped to his knees and then slumped to the ground in a heap. Walking from the dead soldier, he could see one soldier who was struggling to get to his feet. Marrick turned in the direction of this soldier. ”Hey there, I’m going to help you to see the light.” He smirked as a constant stream of light energy was pulsating up and down his arm. Reaching the soldier, he wasted no time in burying his sword into the left shoulder of the wounded soldier. Kneeling down, he held his right hand over the face of the soldier and he couldn’t help but laugh as the soldier started begging and pleading for his life. Marrick shook his head before blasting the head of the soldier with a stream of light energy. The light energy enveloped the entire head of the soldier for almost ten seconds, and as it stopped, Marrick pulled his sword from the shoulder of the soldier and he got to his feet. Looking down at the soldier, his head was no longer there. ”Oh, this is fun.” He said as he turned to focus on the last two soldiers. Marrick really was enjoying himself, and he wasn’t going to stop until the last two soldiers were dead.

One of the soldiers had tried to find his weapon, but he wasn’t having any luck, and the other had managed to find his weapon, and had thought it was a good idea to take Marrick on. Seeing this, Marrick stopped as he looked at the soldier. He hadn’t stopped because he was afraid of the soldier; he had simply stopped because he was surprised at the soldier. Shaking his head, he walked towards the soldier who stood his ground. The other soldier was still trying to find his weapon, but was having no luck. As Marrick was walking towards him, the soldier pointed his weapon at him and he fired. Nothing happened though, because to the shock of the soldier, the weapon had misfired, it had jammed. The young Elemental laughed as he made his way to the soldier who had no idea what to do now. The soldier started to back up, but as he was backing up, he tripped up over the leg of one of the dead soldiers. The soldier continued to back up as Marrick approached him and before he knew it, Marrick was standing over the soldier. As he was looking down at the soldier, he started to raise his sword above his head. His eyes wide in fear, the soldier screamed as Marrick brought his sword down hard and fast, slicing through the neck of the soldier. As soon as he had done this, he started to make his way to the one remaining soldier. ”You’re next, you hear me.” Marrick screamed at the soldier. Hearing this, the soldier looked over his shoulder, and it was clear to see just how scared he was. The soldier shook his head as he started to look for a way in which he would be able to escape. Marrick didn’t really care who saw him, because if he felt they were getting in his way, he would start a fight with them.

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((This post is from a Pokemon RP I done in the same year))

As he had watched Marli shoot off into the sky on the back of her Dragonite, Kai couldn’t help but feel a slight pang of jealousy. He felt this for a number of reasons. Firstly he felt it because....well, she had a Dragonite, and secondly, he felt it because she was able to fly everywhere anytime she wanted. Now that he had started to think about it, if ever there were a flying type pokemon he wanted to end up with, it would, and it always had been a Pidgeot. However, he knew it was highly unlikely he would even be able to catch a Pidgey, because he knew that Pidgey could only be caught in the Kanto region, and the Johto region. He remembered this because he remembered all of the times he had seen flocks of Pidgey’s and Pidgeottos. He always cherished the moments when he had seen a Pidgeot because it very rarely happened back in Johto. He didn’t even know what pokemon he was going to capture first.

After Marli had flown off, he began thinking it would be quite hard to tag along with her, mainly because he wouldn’t be able to keep up with her and her Dragonite. Kai glanced down at Turtwig again, smiling and he walked over to him, kneeling down besides the little pokemon. He gently petted him on his head. ”Come on buddy, it’s about time we made a move.” Kai got back to his feet and chuckled a little as Turtwig woke up, yawning. ”Tuuurrr-twiiig.” Turtwig still looked rather tired as he walked off the grass, back onto the pathway. Kai soon followed, and the pair of them began walking once again. As Kai looked to the sky, he noticed the dark storm clouds that were fast approaching. Along with the storm clouds, he also spotted a flamethrower being aimed into the sky. Nodding his head to himself, Kai came to the conclusion that this must have been Marli letting him know where she was, and luckily enough for Kai, he knew just where she was now, so he began heading in that direction. ”Come on Turtwig, we better make a move. Those storm clouds don’t look too friendly.” Kai said, looking down at his new partner. ”Turrr.” Turtwig nodded his head, and both Kai and Turtwig quickened their paces.

Even though Kai was focused on reaching Marli before the storm clouds opened up, there was something just up ahead of him that caught his attention. Slowing to a stop, Kai knelt down and placed a hand in front of Turtwig, so as to stop him from going any further. Looking down at Turtwig, he placed a finger over his mouth. ”Turtwig, shhh, look up there.” Kai whispered, and he pointed to a bush that had grown by a small tree. Turtwig looked to where Kai was pointing, and as Turtwig looked at the bush, he saw movement, but sticking out of the bush was a tail. It was a tail with a yellow star on the end of it, and Kai knew of this to be one pokemon. This was a Shinx, and it also wasn’t going to be an opportunity he was going to pass up either. Turtwig nodded his head when he had also seen the tail. ”Turtwig, let’s go for it. Let’s try to catch that pokemon.” Kai whispered, waiting for his partner to respond. It didn’t really take Turtwig too long to respond though. ”Tuuurtwig- Turrr.” Turtwig nodded his head before looking back to the tail that was still sticking out of the bush. ”Okay Turtwig, go for it...Tackle attack.” Kai got to his feet and pointed at the bush. Turtwig nodded his head before running faster and faster, getting closer and closer to the bush, he picked up a fair amount of speed before launching himself at the bush. He disappeared into the small bush. ”Shiiii.” Shinx screamed in pain as she was launched out of the other end of the bush. Shinx hit the ground and eventually slid to a halt. Kai looked over at the Shinx on the ground before looking back to the bush. ”One more time Turtwig, while Shinx is still down.” Kai commanded, pointing to the fallen Shinx. Out of nowhere, Turtwig jumped out of the small bush and ran at Shinx once again. ”Tur...twig....Tur...twig....Tur...twig.” As Turtwig got closer to the Shinx, she staggered to her feet, and looked up, shock etched on her face as she saw Turtwig charging at her.

The storm clouds finally opened up, and within seconds, Kai was soaking wet. The rain was coming down so fast, it had gotten hard to see. He wasted no time in pulling up his hood, and even though he wanted to get to Marli, he had a pokemon battle to finish first.

With little time to brace herself, Shinx simply stood firm as Turtwig scored another direct hit once again. This time though, Shinx was able to stay on her feet, and she was only pushed back a fair amount. Turtwig was looking confident by now, and it showed on his face as he stared the wild Shinx down. This time though, it was Shinx who attacked Turtwig, using a Tackle attack of her own. Hitting Turtwig straight on, he flinched as he was pushed back by the attack. He closed his eyes and shook his head as he tried to shake the attack off. ”Come on Turtwig, shake it off.” Kai shouted. He glanced up at the sky, seeing the storm clouds sitting directly over him. ”Turtwig, we need to finish this, and we need to finish this quick.” He wasn’t sure how much longer this battle was going to take, but he knew he really didn’t want to stick around for much longer. Turtwig looked back over his shoulder at Kai and nodded his head. Shinx took this as another chance to attack, so she ran at Turtwig, launching herself at him, and she hit him on the left side of his head. Happy with the attack, she jumped back slightly. Turtwig recoiled from the attack, falling onto his side. ”Tuuuurrrr.” Turtwig groaned a little as the rain wasted no time in revealing a red mark just above his left eye. Slowly but surely, Turtwig managed to get to his feet. ”Come on Turtwig, finish this!!!” Kai spoke with urgency in his voice and Turtwig noticed this, so Turtwig looked back to Shinx, narrowing his eyes. ”Goooo!!!” Kai shouted, pointing at the Shinx as the rain poured down his face. Turtwig nodded his head without taking his eyes off the wild pokemon. ”Tuuurrr!!!” Turtwig charged at Shinx, not running in a straight line, but running from one side to the other. When he was close enough, he launched himself, lowering his head slightly, he managed to catch Shinx on her left side. Recoiling with pain, Shinx hit the ground.

Not wanting to take any more chances, Kai quickly pulled a pokeball from his belt, he enlarged it and looked at the fallen Shinx. ”Pokeball..Go!!” Kai threw the pokeball at the wild pokemon and the pokeball hit Shinx on the head, the red light sucking the pokemon into the pokeball. The pokeball hit the wet, muddy ground and started shaking from side to side. It shook once, twice, three times.....then the white light disappeared and it finally stopped shaking. Kai had managed to do it, he had caught his very first pokemon. It took him a while to realize this, but when he did, he punched the air, jumping up and down with joy. Running over to the pokeball, he picked it up and looked down at Turtwig proudly. ”I couldn’t have done it without you pal.” Kai smiled before kneeling down and gently petting Turtwig on his head. Also feeling proud at his first victory, Turtwig smiled and nodded a little. ”Tuurtwig-Tur.”

Getting back to his feet, Kai looked up at the sky and he placed the pokeball now containing Shinx on his pokebelt. He couldn’t help but think the storm clouds were going to be around for some time yet. ”We need to make a move now Turtwig.” Kai said, still looking up at the sky. Knowing he was right, Turtwig nodded his head. Kai then started to run towards the forest in which he had last seen the flamethrower Marli had used to signal to him. Turtwig ran besides him as the pair ran off the path and into the forest. Running through the forest, they saw something that definitely told them they were going the right way. This was somewhat reassuring to Kai, so he continued to run, and eventually came across a cave. Was this where she was staying? He couldn’t be quite sure, but he figured it would do for now.

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((This is from an arranged marriage roleplay I done sometime last year.))

It hadn’t really taken Dante too long to fall asleep that night. The bed had proven to be really comfortable, which had helped to get him settled down slightly better than before. The pillows were also really comfortable too which definitely helped. He had wondered what it was going to be like to share a bed with Claire that night, and his lips curled up into a smirk as he heard what she had said before turning over and turning off her light. As she had, Dante gave her a little wink before he too also turned over and turned off his light. Afterwards, it had taken him just over fifteen minutes before he had managed to fall asleep. He had thought that it would take longer to fall asleep, so he was pleasantly surprised that it didn’t take him that long. As he slept, he had no idea that Claire had rolled over and wrapped her arm around his waist. He had noticed the extra warmth of her body though, but he had simply thought that the extra warmth was coming from the blankets instead. He had no idea that it was actually Claire.

Of course, he was still sleeping the next morning when there was a knock on the door. Dante slept through this even as Claire had woken up. However, he did stir when Layla knocked again and opened the door to walk into their room. He turned on his side and pulled the blanket up and over his shoulder, groaning a little in the process. He only started to wake up as he heard Layla’s loud voice informing them that it was time to wake up because of couple’s bonding. He groaned once again before he slowly opened his eyes, and it was just as he was opening his eyes that he was surprised by Claire’s sudden reaction, seemingly accusing him of doing something. Of course, he had no idea just what she was referring to, but when she had pushed him away, he almost fell out of the bed. This did of course wake him up properly, and he rubbed his eyes and yawned a little as he sat up in bed. As he sat up, he saw Claire disappearing into the bathroom, slamming the door behind her. Dante lightly scratched the top of his head as he looked towards the bathroom door. ”Hmm, I wonder what’s wrong with her, and I wonder what it is I’m supposed to have done.” He honestly had no idea what he was supposed to have done to her, and he was sure that he was going to ask her whenever she came out of the bathroom.

Shortly after Claire had disappeared into the bathroom, Dante pushed the blankets down towards the bottom of the bed, swung his legs onto the floor and got to his feet. As soon as he was on his feet, he walked over towards the closet and pulled open the door before walking inside. Since he didn’t know how long she was going to be in the bathroom, he figured he would be better off finding his clothes he was going to wear that day. It didn’t really take him too long before he managed to find what he wanted to wear. It only took him about five minutes. In the end, Dante pulled out black, red and white top with a snazzy looking design on it, and he also pulled out a pair of red baggy fitting pants. Dante quickly slipped out of his bed clothes and into the clothes he had picked out. After doing so, he walked out of the closet, taking his bed clothes with him, and he made his way back over towards the bed. Once there, he sat down on the edge of his side of the bed as he waited for Claire to come back out of the bathroom.

It was around five minutes later that he eventually saw Claire coming out of the bathroom. He noticed she didn’t even bother looking at him as she made her way over towards the closet. Whatever he was supposed to have done still seemed to be bugging her. As soon as she had made it into the closet, he got up and headed into the bathroom, closing the door behind him in the process. After closing the bathroom door behind him, he walked back over to his bag that he had left in the bathroom. When he got to the bag, he pulled out his toothbrush, toothpaste and mouthwash and brushed his teeth before using the mouthwash. This took him all but five minutes, and as soon as he was done, he put the stuff back in the bag and exited the bathroom. As he was walking out of the bathroom, he saw Claire coming out of the closet, and he had a curious look on his face as he walked over to her. He stopped just in front of her and lightly scratched the top of his head, clearly confused about something. ”Why did you have a go at me just before you got out of bed? Am I supposed to have done something wrong? Because if I have, then I don’t know what it is I’m supposed to have done. All I did was fall asleep last night, so if I did something wrong, please tell me what it is I’m supposed to have done.” He clearly had no idea what it was he was supposed to have done, and it seemed to show on his face as he looked back to Claire. Afterwards, he looked over towards the clock that was on the wall for a few moments. He turned his attention back to Claire a moment later. ”I guess we better get outside. We don’t want to be late for couple’s bonding now, do we?” He smiled a little before he turned to start to head out towards the beach front. He stopped after taking a few steps, and he looked back over his shoulder at her. ”I don’t want to do this just as much as you don’t, but we could at least check it out. Anyway, we can go to this thing you heard about later, which should be fun.” He said before he headed out towards the beach front.

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((This post was from another Elemental roleplay I also did either early last year or the year before.))

Kalza hadn’t just decided to suggest that Veronica could have her own team on a whim. It was something that he had been thinking about for quite some time. He had thought that she deserved to have her own team, considering that he had his own team as did Harley and Krista. After all, Veronica had been with them for a fairly long time now, and she had become a part of their Elemental family, even if they did believe that she was human. Not only that, but Veronica had turned out to be a really good worker, especially after Kalza had seen the work she had done on the turret at the front of the city, getting it operational once again. He also remembered the work she had done on the vehicle they had used to get to the base they had infiltrated to rescue their captured comrades. Besides, Kalza couldn’t help but think that having a team of her own would help her in a way. He thought they would help because it would mean that she wouldn’t have so much work to do by herself. All Kalza really had to do now was put the team together for her. He figured that would be something he would do a little later, as all he had wanted to do was run the idea by her first. After all, he wasn’t too sure what Veronica would have thought of the idea, which was why he had decided to ask her in the cafeteria. Of course, he did feel glad when she didn’t just shoot the idea down. He did have a fair idea as to who he would put in a team for Veronica though. He knew of a few good Elementals who he was sure she would be able to work rather well with.

Even though Kalza hadn’t really expected Veronica to be up and out so soon after returning to Lumana, he was still glad to be spending time with her as he had sat with her in the cafeteria. He didn’t really think they would have to wait too long for their food, and luckily they didn’t have to wait too long after all. When the food came, Kalza, Harley and Krista all paid for their orders, and as they had all started to eat, they all found it hard not to notice just how quickly Veronica was eating, especially Kalza. He didn’t really think much of it other than the fact that she was probably feeling really hungry. He chose to think nothing of it right up until the time in which she had collected up the remaining slices of her pizza and got to her feet, telling them how she needed to get back to work. This left Kalza feeling very confused as Veronica hastily made her way out of the cafeteria. Sure, he knew that they really didn’t have a lot of time, mainly because he was sure that Veren was likely to attack again at some point. The only problem was the fact he had no idea when the attack was likely to come. It was also true that he was sure that there really was a lot that still needed to be done, but at the same time, Kalza also realized that Veronica had only just stopped working, and now she was going back to work again. Either way, he didn’t think that it was good. Veronica was throwing herself into her work, and Kalza had no idea why. He knew that she did deserve a rest at some point, and he couldn’t help but think that working as much as she had would only result in her exhausting herself. It only made him worry about her more than he already was.

After Veronica had left the cafeteria, it did leave Kalza feeling very confused and also slightly concerned. He did feel tempted to go after her to see if she was okay, mainly because he couldn’t help but think that there may have been another reason as to why she had rushed off in such a manner. Still, as tempted as he was to go after her, he decided to stay to finish the food that he had ordered, along with Krista and Harley. It did take a fair amount of time for the three to finish their food and drinks that they had ordered. When they had all finished, all three got up to leave the cafeteria. Just before they reached the cafeteria doors, Harley stopped Kalza by placing a hand on his shoulder as Krista was walking through the door. He turned Kalza around to face him, and he had a serious look upon his face. ”Kalza, I think you should go check on Veronica. Something doesn’t seem right with her.” He spoke in a serious tone, but his voice did also show the concern that he also appeared to be feeling. Looking back to Harley, Kalza nodded his head. ”Yeah, I was planning on doing just that actually. I was going to go look for her after leaving here. I can’t help but think that something might be wrong with her, considering the way she ate her food and rushed out of here. I don’t think it’s got anything to do with her work either, and I really don’t know why she would want to go back to work so soon after finishing. It just doesn’t make any sense to me.” He sighed a little to himself, and then looked back over his shoulder with a small smile as Krista poked her head back through the cafeteria doors. ”So, are you guys coming or what?” She asked in a curious tone as she brushed strands of her long red hair behind her ear again. Both Kalza and Harley nodded their heads before they walked out of the cafeteria as Krista held the door open for them to walk out. When Kalza and Harley had made it out of the cafeteria, Krista let the door go and turned to follow after the two males as the door closed behind them.

When they had all made it out of the cafeteria, Kalza, Krista and Harley all had to go in their own different directions. Kalza was going to go off to search for Veronica to see if she was okay, mainly because of how worried he was about her. After all, he was sure that Harley had made a good point in saying that something didn’t quite seem right with Veronica. Kalza didn’t really know where she was going to be, but he had remembered she had said she was going to go back to work, so he thought that would be a good place to start. Krista headed off in a different direction to make the usual checks that she had been making recently. Meanwhile, Harley headed off to check in with his team to see how they were doing. After Krista and Harley had both headed off in their different directions, Kalza turned and walked towards the front of the city where he was sure Veronica was going to be working. He still wasn’t too sure what other work she had to do, but he had a feeling she may have returned to check back on the turret tower she had been working on. It took him around five minutes before he eventually managed to get to the turret tower that Veronica had been working on. When he got there, he stopped and lightly scratched the top of his head as he didn’t see anyone there. He didn’t see Veronica’s legs sticking out from underneath the turret console, and he didn’t see her working on any of the other turrets that had been put up around the city. It did make him wonder just where Veronica really was, because she definitely wasn’t working. Looking all around him, Kalza tried to think where she could have disappeared to, but he couldn’t really think of anywhere she might be. Of course he did think that she may have returned to her home, but he wasn’t really sure if she had or not. A few minutes passed before he turned around and walked back further into the city.

Kalza searched around the city for close to ten minutes, looking for Veronica before he eventually gave up the search. In the end, he made his way over towards a bench that was somewhere in the city, and he sat down, sighing a little to himself. He had a thoughtful expression on his face as he started to think about Veronica and whether she was okay or not. He was still curious about what may have been wrong with her, and why she had left the cafeteria in such a hurry. What really got to him was how she had said she was going to work again, but she wasn’t there when he had gone to see her. He was still thinking about her when she came up and sat down right beside him. At first, he didn’t notice who it was as he was still thinking about her, but then he turned his attention to her when he heard her voice. When he fixed his eyes on her, Kalza couldn’t help but feel surprised to see what she was wearing. His eyes moved up and down her body momentarily, and he had to admit that she did look really good. His eyes returned to meet her own as she apologized for running off from the cafeteria. He did tilt his head to the side in slight confusion as she told him how she had felt embarrassed. Kalza wasn’t sure what she had to be embarrassed about. He didn’t really think she had anything to be embarrassed about anyway. Kalza was curious as to what Veronica wanted to tell him, especially when she told him how important it was. He really began to think that it was important as she continued to speak and take his hand in both of hers. A look of curiosity laced with concern could be seen on his face a moment later as she brought his hand to her chest, still encased in her own. That same look of curiosity and concern was still on his face, right up until the time when Veronica said those three little words that he had never expected her to say. The curiosity and concern slowly disappeared from his face and it was replaced by a gentle smile as he gazed deeply into her eyes. He remained silent for a few seconds as he gazed into her eyes. ”Veronica…” He whispered. ”You really love me?” He really was surprised at what she had just said to him. ”I never knew you felt this way Veronica.” He whispered to her as he moved his free hand to gently cup her cheek in his hand. As he did, his smile widened a little bit. ”Never think you are going to lose me Veronica.” He smiled some more. ”You’re stuck with me whether you like it or not. You’re always going to be a part of my life Veronica, and do you know why?” He whispered as he moved a little closer to her. As he moved closer to her, he gently rested his forehead against her own, looking straight into her eyes. ”It’s because….I love you too Veronica, and I have done for a while now. I just didn’t say anything to you because I didn’t think you would feel the same way. I thought you could only ever see me as a friend.” He spoke in a soft tone as he said this, and then he placed a gentle kiss upon her lips. He held the kiss for a few moments before he reluctantly pulled away. ”I’m so glad that you feel the same way, I really am. You’re the one I really want to be with Veronica. You’re the only one I’ve really wanted to be with.” He whispered as his hand remained on her cheek, stroking it softly. ”But let’s keep this to ourselves okay. You can tell Marsi, as I’m sure she is the one who convinced you to tell me how you really feel, isn’t she? But for now, let’s just keep this between us.” He smiled a little more before he kissed her lips one more time.

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((This post is from a roleplay I did earlier this year.))

Kayden smiled a little bit as Delilah had introduced herself to him. He nodded his head as she told him he could call her Lilah if he wanted to. There was a small smile on his face as he liked the idea of calling her Lilah. ”Hmm, well it’s nice to meet you Delilah.” He smiled. ”And I think I might just call you Lilah if you don’t have a problem with it. I think that’s got a nice ring to it actually.” He smiled again before he turned his attention to the guitar case he had set down on the floor when she had asked him if he played. Looking back to her, he nodded his head. ”Yeah, I sure do. I’ve been playing the guitar for years now, and I like to think that I’ve become very good at it.” Of course, he was sure that he had become very good at playing his guitar, especially when he would think about just how long he had been playing it.

Picking up his guitar case, he slung it back over his shoulder as he also took a hold of the handles of his suitcases. After doing so, he looked around for the two bedrooms, and as soon as he had spotted them, he made his way over towards them. Upon reaching the two bedrooms, he stuck his head inside the first room and looked around. After he had checked out the first room, he did the same with the second. When he was done checking out both of the rooms, he turned the focus of his attention back to Delilah once again. ”Both rooms look almost the same to me, so I’m going to take the one on the right.” He motioned towards the bedroom on the right. ”Anyway, I think I’m going to unpack now, and then we can start putting a little colour and life into this place as you put it.” He grinned a little bit before he turned back towards his chosen bedroom. Kayden took a few steps before stopping, and then he looked back over his shoulder at her. ”Oh, and I don’t really have too much of a problem with sharing a bathroom with a chick. I just hope you don’t mind sharing a bathroom with a dude.” He winked back at her before stepping into his chosen room to unpack.

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((This post is also from a roleplay I did earlier this year.))

As soon as he had made it to the hotel, Dante made his way over to the reception, as he couldn’t quite be sure which room he was supposed to be meeting Sasha in. Of course, there was something telling him that he would be meeting her in the same room he had ended up in earlier that morning. Well, that was just a theory of his anyway. Dante greeted the receptionist with a smile on his face. ”How may I help you sir?” The receptionist asked. ”I’m supposed to be meeting a young lady called Sasha here. She’s expecting me, but I seem to have forgotten which room she might be in. Can you give me the room number please?” He asked in a somewhat curious tone. The receptionist smiled and nodded her head before turning her attention towards her computer. She typed a few things in before focusing on Dante once more. Ms Sasha is in room 212 sir.” She said with a smile. ”Thanks a lot. I really appreciate this.” He smiled once more before turning away from the reception and making his way over to the elevator in the hotel. When he reached the elevator, he pressed the button to call the elevator, and he did have to wait a few minutes before the elevator finally showed up. When it did, he stepped inside, and then he pressed the button to take him to Sasha’s floor. He stepped back as the doors closed, and a matter of seconds later, the elevator doors reopened when it had arrived at the designated floor. Stepping out of the elevator, Dante started to make his way along the hallway, looking from room to room until he had managed to locate Sasha’s room. With a small smile on his face, he stopped outside her door and knocked on it three times. After doing so, he stepped back and waited for her to answer.

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((Here is one of my most recent posts. It's from a few days ago.))

In the short period that he had managed to stay conscious, the only thing Alexander really knew was that he wasn’t about to sink to the bottom of Davey Jone’s Locker. That was the last thing that he would have wanted to do, but it wasn’t as if there really was much that he could have done to stop himself. Having taken a bad knock to his head, Alexander had been too dazed to try pulling himself back up to the surface. It was why he was grateful for whoever or whatever had been there to pull him back up again. Luck really must have been on his side when he had fallen into the water, even though he would have preferred not to fall in at all. Still, there was nothing that he could do about it now. The main thing was that he was alive, and that really was all that mattered to him. Besides, he had only really known he had been brought back to the surface when he felt raindrops against his face.

In the time since he had lost consciousness, Alexander was finally dragged to a nearby stretch of land. Because he was unconscious, he didn’t witness the transformation that his rescuer had gone through. The chances were likely he wouldn’t have known what to say even if he had been awake to witness it. Due to how long he had been at sea as a pirate, Alexander and his crew knew all about mermaids and mermen, even though they often did their best to avoid them. Sure, they may have seen a number of mermaids and mermen perched on rocks in the distance, but they would often do their best to avoid them. This was mainly due to the fact Alexander and his crew knew the kind of trouble mermaids and mermen liked getting into. They knew how they would often try to tempt sailors with their voices. Of course Alexander had come to know this from personal experience. Not that he had ever made the mistake himself. It had been one of his former crew mates on one of the ships he had served on before becoming captain.

Alexander remained unconscious after being dragged onto the land. He remained unconscious for another ten minutes before he slowly started to stir. His eyes slowly flickered open and he groaned in pain as he started to come to. When he had opened his eyes, it took him a while to get his focus back, and when he had done, he soon realised he could feel something hard beneath him. It took him a little while to realise he was now on land, but then something else caught his attention. He could hear someone humming beside him. Alexander groaned again as he pushed himself up into a sitting position, and as he did, his hand quickly came up to the large bruise that had formed on his head. He winced in pain as he turned his attention towards the girl sitting beside him. ”You….must be the…one who…pulled me out…but what were you….doing out there…in that storm anyway?” He couldn’t hide the curiosity in his voice as he had asked her this. ”Thanks…for saving me though. I really appreciate it….but where are we now…..and where is my ship?”

Any feedback would be really appreciated. Thanks. :D
 
It would be difficult to judge the current you off of material that isn't current. Have you not written anything in the past month or two? Earlier this year makes me think of the first few months of the year. It would be best if you provide the most current text, because anything old doesn't reflect the current you. Then you can separate your content into the material you feel is the best, average, and worst.

Admittedly, I have only glanced at your examples. One thing that strikes me is that you highlight your dialogue with a color. I've seen other people do this, and I have no idea why. The quotation marks mark dialogue. If it's just a stylistic choice, then whatever floats your boat.

Another thing I've noticed is your habit of placing two different speakers in the same paragraph. Unless there's some odd exception, or literary device, each speaker only speaks in their own paragraph. This rule holds true even if it's for a single word. Example:



  • John walked into the store. "Hello, Sandy," he said to the cashier.

    "Oh, hello!" Sandy said with a smile and a wave. "How are you doing today, Mr. Rambo?"

    "Just fine." John walked over to the counter, and examined the rows of gum and chewing tobacco.

    "Will you be picking up the usual order?" John nodded in response to the question, and selected a pack of gum. It was his favorite kind: spearmint. Ever since his time in the military, John had taken to chewing gum instead of smoking cigarettes. One of his older comrades smoked like a chimney. The man was only in his early forties, yet he could hardly run a mile without doubling over. John was determined to not let that happen to him. "Oh, those are four for a dollar. They're on sale," she said.

    "Thanks." He watched Sandy move several boxes of ammunition onto the counter. Gum and ammo: how much better could it get?


Notice how the above text has many small paragraphs. John and Sandy never speak in the same paragraph, so instead a new one is always started. In the case of paragraph four, there are two dialogue tags. This is because the only person speaking is Sandy, as John selects his gum.

The next thing I've noticed is a small grammar error associated with your dialogue tags. When the punctuation inside of your dialogue tags ends with a period, but you've fixed a dialogue tag (he said, she said, ect), then that period is turned into a comma. The first word of the dialogue tag is in lower case, with the exception of proper nouns or any other word that would otherwise be capitalized in a normal sentence after a comma. This rule holds true for other punctuation as well.



    • "I hate eggs," he said.

      "I hate eggs!" he said.

      "I hate eggs?" he said.


If you do not add a dialogue tag, then the word after the dialogue is to be capitalized, and a period is to be used inside of the dialogue tag.



    • "I hate eggs." He grew queasy at the very thought of eggs.

      "I hate eggs!" He grew queasy at the very thought of eggs.

      "I hate eggs?" He wondered if he had always hated eggs.
 
Mitsu said:
It would be difficult to judge the current you off of material that isn't current. Have you not written anything in the past month or two? Earlier this year makes me think of the first few months of the year. It would be best if you provide the most current text, because anything old doesn't reflect the current you. Then you can separate your content into the material you feel is the best, average, and worst.

Admittedly, I have only glanced at your examples. One thing that strikes me is that you highlight your dialogue with a color. I've seen other people do this, and I have no idea why. The quotation marks mark dialogue. If it's just a stylistic choice, then whatever floats your boat.

Another thing I've noticed is your habit of placing two different speakers in the same paragraph. Unless there's some odd exception, or literary device, each speaker only speaks in their own paragraph. This rule holds true even if it's for a single word. Example:



  • John walked into the store. "Hello, Sandy," he said to the cashier.

    "Oh, hello!" Sandy said with a smile and a wave. "How are you doing today, Mr. Rambo?"

    "Just fine." John walked over to the counter, and examined the rows of gum and chewing tobacco.

    "Will you be picking up the usual order?" John nodded in response to the question, and selected a pack of gum. It was his favorite kind: spearmint. Ever since his time in the military, John had taken to chewing gum instead of smoking cigarettes. One of his older comrades smoked like a chimney. The man was only in his early forties, yet he could hardly run a mile without doubling over. John was determined to not let that happen to him. "Oh, those are four for a dollar. They're on sale," she said.

    "Thanks." He watched Sandy move several boxes of ammunition onto the counter. Gum and ammo: how much better could it get?


Notice how the above text has many small paragraphs. John and Sandy never speak in the same paragraph, so instead a new one is always started. In the case of paragraph four, there are two dialogue tags. This is because the only person speaking is Sandy, as John selects his gum.

The next thing I've noticed is a small grammar error associated with your dialogue tags. When the punctuation inside of your dialogue tags ends with a period, but you've fixed a dialogue tag (he said, she said, ect), then that period is turned into a comma. The first word of the dialogue tag is in lower case, with the exception of proper nouns or any other word that would otherwise be capitalized in a normal sentence after a comma. This rule holds true for other punctuation as well.



    • "I hate eggs," he said.

      "I hate eggs!" he said.

      "I hate eggs?" he said.


If you do not add a dialogue tag, then the word after the dialogue is to be capitalized, and a period is to be used inside of the dialogue tag.



    • "I hate eggs." He grew queasy at the very thought of eggs.

      "I hate eggs!" He grew queasy at the very thought of eggs.

      "I hate eggs?" He wondered if he had always hated eggs.

Okay thanks, I will take what you said into account, and yes I do have posts from the last month or two. I've got some from the last few weeks actually.
 
I agree a lot with Mitsu but also have a bit to add.

The main point being I'd really like to see some of the recent posts. If you'd like to do a sort of comparison to see just how much you've improved, post up the newer ones. To me, that is always the most helpful thing I've ever done. You get to where you feel you are comfortable with some points, so people tend to let that slide while they focus on things that they know they need to work on. In doing that, some of the previous strengths become weaker without you really noticing it so post quality can suffer.

Given, I only quickly scanned over some the examples but one thing really stood out is you tend to repeat yourself a lot. Or restate things that would be implied from the previous paragraph or sentence. Some people think that this is easier, but it can become really redundant and off putting to down right confusing.

An few examples from the Elemental post...
"There weren’t many people who were out and about, be it humans or Elementals." But then you directly follow up with 'though there weren't many people out' and 'there were still more humans out'.

He wasn't sure where the next town was, he had to ask someone from the town he just left, he managed to find out where the next town was, decided to spend the night in the previous town, how long he was going to spend in the next town, focused on getting to the next town, reach to the next town. All that in one paragraph with seven more mentions of that specific, unnamed town in the next paragraph.

The battle between the soldiers got confusing as none of them had names or distinguishing features. I had to go back and re-read a couple of times to see it actually play out in my head. Giving a few key descriptions to even nonessential characters give the reader a more vivid experience. The pudgy soldier, the brown haired soldier, the scared shitless man.

Taken from the other elemental roleplay. Feel free to use personal pronouns when nouns are becoming too common. The name 'Veronica' was mentioned six times in one long paragraph.

Since the last two examples were much shorter, I didn't have time to really look over it but there were still some instances. Your reader knows he is in an elevator, so he would of course be stepping out of it into the hallway. He looked from room to room until he found Sasha's.

Another trick I learned (yay for some perks of dyselixa) is to read your paragraph aloud to see if it sounds awkward. Since you already know what you wrote, and your brain expects to read it, it can help to read the paragraph backward. Last sentence first, first sentence last type of deal.
 
Lovely Erato said:
The battle between the soldiers got confusing as none of them had names or distinguishing features. I had to go back and re-read a couple of times to see it actually play out in my head. Giving a few key descriptions to even nonessential characters give the reader a more vivid experience. The pudgy soldier, the brown haired soldier, the scared shitless man.

I'm guilty of this sometimes when I write elaborate action scenes. It's something I'll have to keep in mind.

As for another piece of advice...

Kayden smiled a little bit as Delilah had introduced herself to him. He nodded his head as she told him he could call her Lilah if he wanted to. There was a small smile on his face as he liked the idea of calling her Lilah. ”Hmm, well it’s nice to meet you Delilah.” He smiled. ”And I think I might just call you Lilah if you don’t have a problem with it. I think that’s got a nice ring to it actually.” He smiled again before he turned his attention to the guitar case he had set down on the floor when she had asked him if he played.

This is the only paragraph I've actually read. Luckily, there is something I can tell you about it. It also plays off of the advice given by Lovely Erato.

Smile. Smile. Smile. Smile.

This post has Kayden doing a whole lot of smiling, and the way you've written it suggests that it isn't a single smile. You have him smile a bit upon meeting Delilah. Is this a small smile, or a brief smile? At any rate, he's a friendly person who greets others with a smile. Good. However, upon learning he can use a nickname, you mention that he has a small smile. This could easily lead to two instances of a smile, and both within a very short period of time. Then he smiles again upon speaking to her, and then once more upon finishing what he was saying.

Now imagine if you were talking to Kayden, a stranger, that smiled every few seconds in a conversation with you. Not one long smile, but went from a neutral face to a smiling face every few seconds. You're probably going to think that the person is either crazy, or has something wrong with them. It isn't natural. How do we fix this?

Keep in mind that when you mention Kayden smile, he's going to have that same general disposition until you mention otherwise. Until you say otherwise, he will have that smile or friendly face. The reader does not need to even be reminded of that smile. Of course there are exceptions and ways for the repeating smile to really hammer a point home (usually in reinforcing that the smile is eerie or disingenuous). However, in this instance, it just comes of as entirely odd.

You want to know what else is odd? A character that needlessly changes emotion every other sentence. I'm not saying you've done this-- have you? What I am giving is some general advice. Manage your character's emotions and structure your encounters to flow in some natural manner. Unless your character is supposed to be some sort of manic-depressive, reign in on what they are feeling from sentence to sentence, or even paragraph to paragraph. Have a good reason for why that character feels the way they do, and consider their personality before changing that emotion. If your character is a fairly adjusted, normal human being, they likely won't flip flop around too often.
 
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