The Devil You Know: Inside the mind of BlisteredBlood

Wednesday Afternoon,
November 11th, 2015

The 6th and the 10th came and went, but the goal posts got shoved back yet again. I don't know how much patience I have left, but I know one thing for certain.

This... "thing"... called a woman is testing me. Her kids are testing my noise tolerance. This neighborhood is testing my threshold for pain, everything about this place has been an endurance test ever since the beginning of this year.

I can hardly wait for this to be over and done with. I may end up being perhaps the most unpleasant asshole anyone's ever seen, but in spite of everything that me and my mother have been through, would anyone blame me or her for it? I certainly feel nothing for any of these people. I owe them nothing. They've given us nothing when we asked for even the slightest bit of help and while some have, it's not enough.

I could say that they could've done more, and technically, they could. I understand everyone has lives and all that, but in the grand scheme of things, some people should really know where their priorities lie. But at this point, it no longer matters. Nothing matters. They should all know one thing, though. Hopefully they won't be trying to look for me when Christmas rolls around.

Never again.

*snugs and curls up with BB*

You'll never be an asshole in my book. Here's to you and your mom. Good people. Many could learn a thing or 20 from you both. When I say I've got admiration...you know I'm not mincing words. I don't have time to bullshit with what I say. So, what I say is from the heart. You're awesome, BB. <33333

Late Night,
November 17th, 2015

They say that the definition of insanity is that you do the same thing over and over again only to get the same result over and over.

Does it also involve listening to the same thing over and over until you find yourself wanting to rip your hair out as you continue to listen to their hypocrisy? Probably not. But seriously. I honestly don't think that anybody even thinks before they speak around here.

What baffles me even still to this very day is that time after time, they're all oblivious to it. That's what so sad about it. No matter how hard you want to poke holes in their arguments, they end up doing it all by themselves because of their own ineptitude! I can almost see the looks on their faces when the truth is finally told. Sure, nobody will like me for it afterward, but let's get fucking real, people. There is no such thing as a fucking popularity contest when it comes to honesty. Whoever said it would make you popular is an outright liar.

(Part 2 soon)

(Part 2)

But as I've learned throughout these two months that I've been here, there's actually two kinds of honesty here. There's the tried and true form of it, which is of course obvious, but then, there's that other form of honesty where they think they're the most real thing out there, but by careful observations, you come to find out that it's all horseshit.

Worse part is they expect you to buy into that false bravado and the false veneer with a smile. Tee-hee.

Now, you could be looking at me going, "You idiot! You should be more grateful that such-n-such person even took you in when da-da-da and..."

Do you people honestly think that I'm not grateful for what - certain - people have done for me and my mother ever since last October? It's not much, but it's better than nothing!

*deep sigh*

I am just so tired of everything and everyone here. Moreover, I'm so ready to go home. That's all there is to it and nothing more.

Monday Evening,
November 23rd, 2015


View: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rZXvEcBKMT8


I'd like for this music video to set the tone for what it is that I'm about to say here.

I'm headed for home.

I never thought that I'd say that in a complete sentence, but dammit, with everything that's happened to me and my mother over this past year and change, we have persevered through so much that it was more than enough to have driven any other normal person to many different scenarios. Either into a murderous rampage that would end by way of suicide by cop, a drug overdose, or possibly even regular suicide.

That's not me saying this lightly.

I personally have no idea how I haven't done any of these items I've listed, but somehow, something along the way told me that if I did any of those, it would only end in disaster or would be incredibly shortsighted. Perhaps I had my Memere's spirit guiding me the whole way through as well as God, telling me not to do it. That there's still a way. That there's still hope. All you have to do is to keep moving forward and soon, everything will come back to you.

I didn't believe in that for a long time, nor did I think it would happen ever. But I will say this much, though. Once we're all settled in, things are gonna be changing right quick and for those that were oh so kind enough to have helped us along the way - I mean this sarcastically - will be thanked in our own little way. Let's just say that they won't be expecting Christmas cards anytime soon.

But that's all that I got time for right now. I'll keep you all posted as to what's going on at a later time. Besides, I got a bus to catch.

Thursday Night,
December 3rd, 2015


View: http://m.youtube.com/watch?v=rpERSigjqXs


To think that the end of the road is in sight.

The final pieces have fallen into place.

What a year and two months this has all been, man. I would not wish this on anybody and that is for a fact. But you know what? That's all over now. It's all over. And with it, a new day begins.

That's right, everybody. The sun has finally set on all of the trials and tribulations that my mother and I had to endure over these past 14 months. Tomorrow, a bright, warm day is just ahead. I've been waiting for this day to come for a long time and now that it's here at long last, I can say without equivacation and without doubt that tomorrow will be the start of something new, something better.

I can hardly wait.

But for now, I got a lotta things to plan for. Christmas being one of them.

In the meantime folks, I gotta scoot. I'll be talking to you guys again soon.

<3333333333
Much love for you and your mom, BB. My thoughts are with you both. And I'm so glad things are on the up and up, especially with Christmas so close on the horizon. You both deserve it. *hugs you*

Wednesday Evening,
December 9th, 2015

Well, I was right about one thing. It's probably going to take a while before we would get into our own place somewhere out in East Providence. From the looks of things, it might take up to two, maybe three weeks' time, at best.

Of course, during this time, my mother's hanging around here still until about Saturday - I was really hoping to have gotten out of here today, tbh - when she gets a couple of furniture vouchers from her counselor.

And you know something, folks? My mother asked me what I wanted more than anything? Well, to be honest, I looked at her in the eyes and said that I just wanted to get home, be with our cats, live, love and laugh just like before. Long before this all happened.

It'll happen, believe me on this. It's just... taking a lot longer than I thought. And with each day, it feels like it's getting longer and longer still. Just gotta be patient, I guess. The worst part's over, but it's just a matter of getting over that finish line that's literally within inches of being crossed.

Now I know how NASCAR drivers feel.

BA-ZING!!!

...Or maybe I'm just tired and in need of a nap. Either way, I suppose I might as well get going for now. Take it easy, people.

Friday Afternoon,
December 11th, 2015

You know folks, I have a bit of a confession to make in regards to some of the posts I've left here when I was at that one woman's place from September to about November. My confession there was that I wasn't being specific as to what she was really trying to do. You may recall times when I referred to her as a cuntasaurus rex, right? And that she had me leave her place a handful of times all because she needed some "quality time" to "entertain" her guests?

Yeah. Here's the real reason as to why she did that to me. It was a vain attempt in order to get me jealous enough to stay there and get into my pants. The thing with that was that she tried to do this to me a time before when my mother met this one guy at a bar - at her behest, by the way - so when we went there, my only thing to do was to wash out the bullshit I had to deal with from late January to about early February, preferrably with a couple of ice cold beers. She, however, had it in her head to try and throw some advances my way. Now keep this in mind, people. I was already in a bad mood and I really did not feel up to talking with anybody. She continues this trend of behavior towards me, only to earn her an eyeroll from me.

Then, what happens next is the one thing that sealed the deal as to why I wanted nothing to do with her. Period.

Thankfully, I had a heavy jacket on, because she would then bite me right on the shoulder, nearly causing me to haul off and smack her teeth out of her head. Had I not, chances are, she would've bit me hard enough to break the skin. At that point, all bets were completely off and then I go storming out of the place to not only get some fresh air, but to also get a cigarette. Of course, my hands were clenched into fists, but I don't even recall that part. So, here's the question. Why would I still want anything to do with you when you're swinging your ass around to anybody within arms' reach? Furthermore, why would I also want to put up with those god awful maniacs you call children?

Uh. Yeah. I don't hate my dick enough nearly that bad to be anywhere near that cesspool. I have standards, and you, little miss thang, ain't up to them.

And speaking of her kids.

Ladies and gentlemen, there is a load of things I can let go. I really could. I don't care one way or the other if you're a brony, a furry, or whatever it is that you're into. But then, there are certain things that you're just not meant to find out. Now then, with that little disclaimer out of the way, I might as well get into this part.

I recall a memory from several years ago in Kansas when one night, my mother came up to me with a questionable look on her face, almost as if she was troubled by something. She then looks at me and asked, "Daniel, do you know what bestiality is?"

I look at her and say, "Yeah, that's when some people want to have sex with animals. Why?"

She told me that she found pictures of it, attempting to accuse me of it when she knew full well that the computer that we had at the time - it was a Windows XP box, and my account on it was a Limited Account, meaning that I wasn't able to access certain websites like this one, for example - didn't have any way of getting them. I immediately answered that there was no way that I could've downloaded anything like that. Of course, she asked her ex about it once and he said that I did. See how that worked out? I told the truth and that sawed-off goatfucker tried to cover that up by blaming me for something I didn't do.

Fast forward to now.

I was looking around for something to do one day when I see that the 19-year-old man had left his PS3 upstairs in the living room. So I figured there was nothing else going on at the moment, so I turned it on, thinking about watching a few videos on YouTube and whatever. So I keep thumbing around and I see a few files in the Videos folder on his PS3 with some bizarre wording. Something about some guy fucking a dog or whatever? When I see this, I think to myself, "What the fuh?" Then out of curiosity, I hit the Play button and JESUS FUCK I WISHED I DIDN'T.

...I'll say this again. I don't care what you're into. You could be into getting strung up like a chandelier for all I care. But there have to be certain lines that you just don't cross. Let's just leave it at that and say nothing more.

Now with the younger girl, she's basically everything that I hated about their mother, only at 10% the height and 10% the weight! And the noise, noise, NOISE, NOISE!!! I don't know how I wasn't rendered deaf from them all. So yeah. Long story short, the only way that I would've anything to do with her and those little monsters was if I had lost a bet, got wasted off my ass and was dying of dystentary and I STILL wouldn't go anywhere near that bitch.

At the end of the day, I'm ever so glad to be out of there, because if I stayed there another day longer, I would've ripped someone's fucking head off and forcefed them their own brains down their esophagus. Do I still wonder as to what they're all doing now?

Nah. I got other things to do.

But in other news, the nursing home my mother's at is keeping her there until New Year's Eve. As disappointed as I am, it's necessary at this point. She wanted to have all available services at her disposal and the only way they'll give them to her is if they have an address to send them to, of which she readily gave them the address. It stinks I won't be able to spend Christmas with her at home, but at least I can always go and see her there. But there is one thing for certain. I'll be damned if I don't have her around to watch the Ball Drop with.

But in any case, I suppose I might as well get going for now. I'll be seeing you guys later on.

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Quick thing to mention before I finish this little edit. I get that there are also things you're not meant to share with people, but why would you share underwear with anyone? That's the confusing part. Besides, common sense dictates that once you've had your shorts riding up the crack of your ass for about three days, it's about high time to change them out! I can even understand that you're not meant to share hairbrushes, too. I get that you're a little mental about lice, but I don't have any. Lastly, why would anyone share a teefbru-

...Waitwaitwait.

TEEFBRUSH??? YOU FUCKING NITWIT. DID YOU NOT PASS 5TH GRADE ENGLISH??? FOR THE LOVE OF CHRIST ALMIGHTY, IT'S A FUCKING TOOTHBRUSH YA GODDAMN JERK! A TOOTHBRUSH!!!

And God help you if you say toofbrush.

Ladies and gentlemen, this is why other coutries of the world are laughing in our faces, especially when it comes to the amount of idiocy that our own people are capable of generating. Sure, it may generate into laughs for you, but at the end of the day? You'll find people like this that have the mentality of those types of people you find on shows like The Maury Show, Jerry Springer, Cops, Cheaters, that kinda thing. They have this certain kind of mentality about them, that certain look and LISTEN to how they talk. Because of they start spitting out more things in what can best summed up as gobbledygook, mixed with Japanese and Wingdings font, those are the types of people you should avoid like a goddamn plague, regardless of skin color or gender!

Learn proper English, sentence structure, common sense, go back to 3rd grade spelling, get your GED if you dropped out of high school - may be more preferrable if you got your diploma, instead - and more importantly, if your ass is whiter than your great grandmother's in the brightest light, then for fuck's sake, stop pretending to be something that you're not, you fucking poser!

Ugh! God, people make me sick!

*stomps out, lighting a cigarette as he goes*

Tuesday Afternoon,
December 15th, 2015


View: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6FMJb7qC6Pk


Yep. I've been thinkin' again.

And what's on my mind this time pertains to a couple of things. One of which is that I'm getting the feeling that after this year, my mother and I are probably going to be making ourselves pretty fucking scarce to a lot of people who have been so "kind" enough to have "helped" us when we were down and out all this past year. I know I've said this time and time again, but this is all that I can think about. Everyone could've done so much to have helped us along in the right direction, but they never did.

But when it was my mother who fell seriously ill with pneumonia and was - at her emphatic request - to be intubated, only my brother and my two cousins came a running, with one of them attempting to take my name off of the Emergency Contact list and put hers in. I personally have no idea as to what she was attempting to accomplish by doing so, but if it was to kick me out of the loop, then allow me to make this statement by saying she has another thing coming. True, she is like a daughter to my mom, even more than her own mother was to her. But that doesn't mean jack shit in the grand scheme of things, when you take into consideration for the fact that she is not blood-related to any of us.

And even if she did attempt to get my name off and put hers in, she would still have to deal with my brother anyway, who would instead pull a reversal on it and put my name back on where it should be.

But that's neither here nor there now, so allow me to get to the next subject.

I've got no love for people who've essentially just given up on themselves nowadays. I have no sympathy for anybody who've felt as though that all hope is lost and they might as well just piss it all away for just a few minutes of simple pleasure. And it's such a shame for one certain individual I'd like to name. This guy was going to be our landlord, but because of certain legal obligations and financial conditions, he's got so much fucking baggage on him, it's an idea that would only end in disaster. Plus with him fucking around with some other chick behind my mother's back - more than likely since - after we left his place back in May, I'd be the first person to say that this guy has reduced himself to that of a scumbag now.

I'd wish it didn't happen to a guy like him, but unfortunately, he made the wrong choices in his life, and as such, he's the one who's going to undoubtedly end up paying the price for it. And if you think ma's going to help him out of this mess, allow me to answer back with a question of my own.

Why should she?

What would make her even think of this after some of the things I've seen and told her about? The fact that he gets himself drunk day in and day out, as soon as the morning sun rises then sets, I've seen him with a beer in his hand, guzzling down wine glass after wine glass and this has been going on for a number of days now.

Again. Why should I feel any sympathy for people like this? Why should she even do the same? Just... Why?

What makes them so special that they are even deserving of a handout? Or rather...

WHAT MAKES YOU SO SPECIAL?

I can ask this of anybody these days. What did they do to deserve anything from me, of all people? What makes them think they're even remotely deserving of anything when all this past year, I've had little to nothing to my name. So no. No one is getting a damn thing from me. Not now, not tomorrow and probably never again. I mean sure, I'll pop up every once in a while and say hello, but after I've said my pleasantries, that's it. I don't want to hear another peep out of anybody, as it's all useless noise.

Useless. Fucking. Noise.

As heartless as this may sound, but if anybody in my shoes were to have seen this all unfolding before their own eyes; the amount of backstabbing, the amount of people who've we've seen basically turn around and walk away from us, the lack of anything resembling what would've been a cohesive family unit? I'd bet you dollars to doughtnuts that you'd feel the absolute same.

But as I think about it still, I'd think that you as the reader aren't much different from me, even if you come from a different walk of life than I do. There's always someone - or a group of people - who ends up running for the hills the exact instant there's trouble instead of gutting it out with you by your side.

I've had to stick it out with my mother for a number of years on a number of different occasions now. I've been there through the best times and I've been there for her during the worst of times. Hell, I damn near just gave up and just walked away when I hit my absolute low. But no. I had to dig my heels in and held as fast as I could, gritting my teeth with more than enough effort to break them all and in the end, it was all worth it.

I just wished everyone else in my family had seen that. But of course, no one will. And again. Why should they when they've done nothing themselves? I can go on and on about this, but when I think about it, all I'm doing is just wasting my breath.

I suppose I'm still feeling mighty jaded after everything that's happened. That maybe my trust with them has been shattered. And yet, I don't even care.

I suppose I might as well get going for now. I've got a lot to think about.

An Hour And A Half Before The Ball Drop,
December 31st, 2015

2015. A year that I never wished happened, but it did. A year that I wished that so many things went right for a change, but it instead turned into nothing but pain, misery and hatred of everything I saw.

It was a year that I would never wish on anyone. Not on any of you. Not even someone that I truly hated with every fiber of my being. I've been lied to, doublecrossed, stabbed in the back, betrayed, dealt with perhaps the most criminally inept motherfuckers on the planet, homeless, sick, came down with a major case of gout, and everything in between.

It's almost as if the early part of 2013 decided to rear its ugly head again, as if to say, "Hi. Remember me?" 2014 would then decide to hang out with 2013 and figure out a way to really fuck me over. And well, the damage was done.

But if there's one thing that I can safely say, beyond a shadow of a doubt, it's this.

It's all over now. 2015 can drop dead stay dead for all I care and then some. Everybody that I've met during this year can go cry to someone who cares with their "hard luck story oh boo hoo, poor me" bullshit. Fuck off.

But the more that I continue to think about it, the more that it angers me still. This whole year, I've basically had to stay with my mom and help her with whatever she needed. She needed my help when no one else would or was able to be arsed with helping. Sure, there was also some neighbors who were kind enough to have lended a hand, but that was it.

No one else cared.

Moreover, one person in my family just wanted my mom to just forget about everything that was in that house on Manton Avenue and just leave.

...No. We weren't going anywhere without what he had left. And the simple fact she even had the thought in her head gives me plenty of reason to tell her to go fuck herself with a razor wire wrapped dildo made of a splintered two-by-four.

No. Never again will I trust her for a goddamned thing. She can eat shit with the rest of those who decided to thumb their noses at us. And I know what you're going to say. "Shouldn't you have done something to help out too?"

Yeah. I get it. I've tried everything I could. I've been to everywhere I could with a resume in my hands and waved it at everyone who had eyeballs. Nothing. No one even batted an eyelash. I've tried everything. From the highest of high places, to the absolute scummiest of lows. I've tried everything. And still, all I got was either, "Oh we only accept online applications" - which I'm beginning to think is a codeword for "Get lost, transient. We don't hire people like you here" - or all their spots were filled.

I don't get it. I have the skills. I have the qualifications. I have everything you need and then some! WHAT MORE DO YOU WANT FROM ME?! DO YOU WANT ME TO PERFORM A VIRIGIN SACRIFICE TO SOME CRAZY BULLSHIT GOD I'VE NEVER HEARD OF?!! WHAT DO YOU WANT ME TO DO, YOU FUCKING DOLT?!!

I'm just so sick of everything. I'm tired of everybody. I'm sick and tired of everything and everybody.

But as I said. 2015 is soon to be out the door on its ass and there it will stay. I don't even want to acknowledge this year's number, I don't even want to discuss events that happened in it. Let this year die in a fire with all the other years before it. I'd say 2012 was a bit of a bullshit year too, but that was bullshit for another reason entirely.

But yes. 2016. How I await thee with open arms, waiting for it to take away all the pains and aggravation and the misery I've dealt with. My only hope is that it's somewhat merciful, because I can't take another year like this. I really can't. But yet, no matter how badly I wanted to throw the towel in during this, somehow, something told me that I just can't give up yet. That everything would be fine at some point or another. All I had to do was to just hold on for just one more day.

For a long time, during the month of July to about August, I started to think otherwise. It looked up a bit during September, but from then to the early part of November was when I had enough. And yeah, I'll admit it. I broke into tears when I thought that it would never happen. That the existence that I dealt with back there at those shelters would be the existence that I would ever know and go fuck yourself with all your dreams of going home. This is where you'll be forever and ever.

But then, the middle part of November came up, when my mother told me that we were going home soon. Enter December. Sure, she may be trying to find a place somewhere, but the important thing to know is that she's at last got her SSI, which means she can now get what she needs. And that's all I wanted her to do, to be honest. I also wanted us - more than ever - to just go home. That was all.

This year was a learning experience for us. For me, especially. From learning that not everyone in the family can be trusted when it comes to verbal arrangements, people who would rather do their own thing or are into the most bizarre things that would make Roman Pulanski flush with shame, this year had it all and then some for me. It had its' good moments, but it was all piled on by the sheer mountain of shit.

Like I said, though. It's all over. The pain can stop now. Now comes the healing portion. The rebuilding. The resurfacing. The fortifying. The galvanizing.

Look, someone stop me before I end up with a fucking fortress, here. The point I'm getting at is that once I'm home, I'm planning on not coming out unless if there's something I need to get at the store or something, because that's fucking it. End of story, end of fucking list and then some.

I'm sorry this post may have gotten a little heated people, but considering the nature of shit I had to deal with? It may not seem like much to everybody else or maybe you've had it differently too, but this is all coming from someone who has had it pretty fucking bad. But when I think about it, it really could've been worse. For all intents and purposes, I probably would've ended up in a nuthouse! Or dead! Or dead while in a nuthouse, I dunno! Something!

But that doesn't matter. None of that matters. It's all over now. Now comes the portion where we all move forward from this burning husk that was this year and never look back on it.

For Auld Lang Syne, indeed.

I guess I might as well get going. I'll need to call my mom sometime soon. Take care and I'll see you guys in 2016.

Tuesday Early Morning,
January 12th, 2016

Sheesh. Talk about a total letdown. And what's odd is that when 2015 was about ready to check out, it decided to take Lemmy Kilmister along with it. And here we start 2016, but without David Bowie. Sometimes, I think the music industry is just going to keep on getting hit harder and harder until it all comes crashing down like a ton of bricks. But what makes this even sadder is that you got all these mediocre hacks - just my opinion now, so put down your pitchforks and torches and shit - attempting to fill in those massive shoes they're all leaving behind. And as I said it to some friends of mine on Skype, I said, you know, it's arguable as to who really suffered the most for their craft, since we all know beyond a shadow of a doubt that Freddie Mercury; literally days from death poured everything he had left in him just to get one last song out. And then, bam. That was the end of that on that day in 1994. Or it could've been 1995. I could be mistaken, so don't quote me on it.

You want evidence of that? Look up "Mother Love" on YouTube. Trust me when I say that you will get chills when you realize that at around three-quarters of the song's runtime, that that's not Freddie singing. No, Brian May picked up where Freddie left off.

I dunno what to think of nowadays when it comes to things like this, except that any disease, no matter what it is, has to be stamped out for good. It's just a shame that all that research money is being tied up in Congress or earmarked for stupid bullshit we don't need. But this is neither the time nor the place for such thoughts. We all have to face the music, as it were. The show must go on. Or hey, maybe it is the end of the road. It all depends on the mindset, I guess.

And speaking of mindsets, what have I been thinking about nowadays? Well, to give you guys the short version, it seems as though we finally found a spot. All we gotta do is hear back from the place in about a week from now - if all goes well - we'll be moving into that apartment complex that my grandmother used to live in way back when. Sure, it's in Central Falls, but at this point in time, I couldn't care any less than I can already. I've made it perfectly thousands of times over that all I ever wanted more than anything was to just go home. Go home, put my feet up in my bed with my cat beside me - provided if he's not being a total asshole at the time. Yes, Tux. I'm talking about you, you pudgy, braindead, underfoot fathead - and knock back a couple beers as I...

I dunno. I guess play some video games? Or something? I don't even know. It all just feels surreal this whole past year and the start of this one that... It all just feels like something out of a nightmare that just never seemed to end. But how in the world my mother and I got through it with our heads still screwed on straight is nothing short of amazing, even for me.

Ick. I'm starting to fall asleep here. I might as well hurry up and get some shuteye. Besides, I need to do some running around during the day, I think. In the meantime, people, I'll see you later.

Thursday Early Morning,
January 14th, 2016


View: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rXeGHcF9-RY


You know folks, I've been doing some more thinking as of recently. And the funny thing is, I recall a time when I had written about the living conditions back when I was at the Evergreen Apartments until sometime in February when we were told to get out by that one Cape Verdian woman we were staying with. And what's funny about this is that on my Facebook, she was looking to get in touch with me again. She also spotted me a few times when I was heading home on the bus, either out in North Providence or where I am now in East Providence. Each time I saw her, I said nothing and just peered out the window, not even addressing her once. She would eventually reach out to my mom, saying that I had a real pissed off look on my face.

The nerve of her.

The sheer fucking audacity of her.

After what you tried to have my mother do, you selfish, cockgargling cuntmuffin? After the constant mean-mugging from your ex after the lies your kid told him about me? After the shitstorms that you brought upon your own dumbass self when you asked my mom to come down and stay with you last year?

What makes you fucking think that you should even breathe the same air as I do? After everything that I've had to deal with this past year, you should be thankful for the fact that I had to resist the violent urge of cracking you in the jaw with a monkeywrench so you can never suck another dick again. The same goes for that overgrown gorilla who always - ALWAYS - seemed to hang around you, who would never let you leave anywhere without him, the same asshole who was put in jail for beating the shit out of you a time too many and yet you would always let him back inside, disregarding the fucking No Contact Order that was put on him. Had I not continued to swallow that urge still, I would've clocked him in the head with the same monkeywrench, dragged him out to the back of the bus we were on and put his head under the back tire of it just to watch the bus smash his head open like a watermelon. The boy I would leave alone, for sure, but the two of you don't deserve the fucking right to exist after what you've subjected me and my mother to.

But alas. I am not a violent man. I may have these crazy thoughts within my mind, but the most I can do for you now is just pray for you. It's all that I'll permit myself to do, even if I have nothing but the most profound contempt for you. I'll pray that you will have the strength to endure these hardships, but not for an easy route to get past them. I'll pray that you're safe and you are well, but I'm not going to offer you shelter and medicine. You've been nothing to me before and you sure are sure not going to be any friend of mine after all that. You can stay as far away from me as possible, because all I want to do is to just hawk a massive loogie right into your fucking eye. You can also ditch my mom's phone number, because I don't ever want to see your name pop up on her caller ID. But then again, she might end up getting a different phone anyway, since this ridiculous plan she's been on with one of my aunts has only been nothing but a sheer disaster. That, and you can also blame it on her for racking up a 1000-dollar-plus bill on it. Of course this is also on T-Mobile. Go figure.

I just don't want you anywhere within reach. I've grown sick of looking at your face. I'm sick of looking at your kid's face. I'm sick of your antics. I'm sick of you in general. Begone and never cross my path, or so help me God, there'll be hell to pay for what you did. And I know what you did, so don't you dare think for a split second that you don't remember, because I know you do. Do you remember that post you left that said that you were feeling "some kind of way"?

...I think I recall saying that I flat out despise people like this. I don't know anymore. And frankly, I don't even wanna know anymore. I am dead tired of everything.

Speaking of tired, I should probably go ahead and get some sleep. Besides, I gotta do some more running around in the morning and shit. We'll see how I am, since I kinda got a wicked late start yesterday. Not my fault, though, since it's been shitty around here the past few days. But yes, off with me. I'll see you guys later.

Wednesday Evening,
January 27th, 2016

I've often made it a bit of a recurring theme that all I want to do is to just go home and never be seen or heard from ever again in the eyes of some family members and friends who were so "kind" to have helped us along throughout the better part of 2014 and...

Well.

Last year.

Note that I didn't say its number. Mainly because I don't believe that that year ever happened. I don't believe in its existence and never will. That's how much that year sucked for me. But yet, it's ingrained into my memory like a really horrendous looking tattoo that you wished you didn't have done on you when you were drunk off your ass that one time and in your own blind ignorance, you thought it was a good idea.

So, what more have I got to say this time around, huh? Well, aside from the fact that I'm still held up here in East Providence while I wait for my mother to tell me something about where we can finally go. It's getting to be a royal pain, but all I can do for right now is to just be patient. But if there's one thing that even I can admit to is the fact that my patience is starting to get a little bit short.

There is some good things to talk about, though. About a few days ago, I went to go see my dad for a while at his place when he tells me about this comic he got from an online trader. It's the #13 of Doctor Solar: Man of the Atom, from Gold Key Comics, circa July of 1962. But it's not in the comic's pages that was what he pointed me towards. There was a published letter that some fat little nine year old had written to them about the possibility of a new character. So I flipped to the Letters To The Publisher/Editor page and looked around for it for a moment when a familiar name popped up on the upper left most corner.

At nine years old, my dad had written to them, wanting to pitch the idea of Nova Man, who he had an idea for him being a villain for Doctor Solar to fight. Of course, this idea didn't come out the way he had thought since the character would appear some 20 years later as a Marvel superhero, but there it was. When I looked at it, I just smiled for a moment before I looked at my dad and said, "Man, you were such a dork." Well, okay, I didn't say that, but I thought that it was pretty cool to see that my dad pitched an awesome idea like that 20 years ahead of when that character actually appeared.

He recently got two more of them, and he wanted me and my brother to have one each. I don't know about how my brother will respond to it, since he still has his doubts about him and after so long and having gone through so much with him, I can understand why. Of course, with the fact that my brother's been working like a madman over at Enterprise and at Cumby's - that's Cumberland Farms to the rest of you - I can also understand that, too. His marriage? Um... Well... That's hard to say. Yes, they're still married, but certain events have led them going separate ways. Which is sad to say really, because I liked having Ashley and her boy Nick around. I hope that they get their acts together at some point. Of course, if their MIL can just leave the two of them alone for a while, then perhaps maybe they can.

Until that time, I guess I'm stuck holding these two comics for now.

Odd thing was, after I got on the bus headed back for Kennedy Plaza, I began overhearing a conversation between what sounded like a familiar voice and someone else in the back of the bus. I didn't think much of it at first, but over time, I began wondering, "Why in the fuck is this guy sounding so familiar to me?"

So out of curiosity, I glance towards the back and there I saw Julio, a guy I've known for practically all my life. 25 years, to be precise. This is the same guy who I hadn't seen for 15 of those years since I was first out in the Midwest until about 2009 and we would eventually meet up in 2013. So we sit and bullshit for a bit, did a little bit of catching up and all that other crap and after we got to Downtown, we eventually part ways. As I sat around waiting on the 34 to East Providence, I notice there was some guy who had this jacket on him. It's a light brown leather one with a sheepskin inside. It kinda looked like a bomber jacket, I think. It's nice, too! But I see him out of the corner of my eye for a moment, leaving that jacket on top of a trash barrel! The other people that were standing around it either thought about picking it up and taking it with them, examined it and then left it alone or just flat out ignored it. As I continued waiting for the bus, I keep looking back at the jacket, wondering if someone else would get it, but no. It was still just sitting there. So now, I go to pick it up. Sure enough, leather outside, sheepskin inside. Of course, it was an XL. I then get to thinking as I eventually sat down with it. I'm thinking there's gotta be someone who can use this thing, right? I then text my mom, saying that hey, I found this jacket here that you can probably use as an overcoat or whatever. She tells me to bring it by.

Funny thing was, when I went down to Pawtucket to go bring it to her at the old folks home in Central Falls, I spot Julio there at the bus station, too! And when I told him about what I found in Kennedy Plaza that night, he tells me that he knew the guy who was trying to sell that same jacket I was carrying for 20 bucks that I ended up getting a sort of Five Finger Discount on! Keep in mind: That one guy left it there, meaning it was fair game for anybody to pick up!

It's amazing as to what you can find out there in this trashbin of a world. All you gotta do is sift through the junk and dig deep. And well, that's sort of what I've been doing. Sifting through junk to find the treasures and then continue to dig deep, since you never know what you can find out there.

But, I suppose I might as well get going for now. I think I'm gonna take a bit of a nap or something. Maybe plod through more of Castle Crashers, or maybe even fuck around with Garry's Mod or something. I dunno.

Talk to you guys again soon.

Friday Afternoon,
February 5th, 2016

I'm going to guess that the groundhog called for six more weeks of winter. Big shock.

But in all seriousness though, things have been somewhat decent. That is, if decent can be best described how I'm pretty much forced to wait on ma calling me up one day saying, "Hey Daniel! Get your things and come on down to such-n-such place at so-on-and-so-forth street! We're going home!"

You can say that I'm being a little too pissy about it and you'd be right with how I feel about it, because, yes, I am running a bit short on patience. I've been waiting since November of 2015 to get home and that is all. We could've sorted out what we needed then and there, and things would've come together at a normal clip. I can also understand that there are certain circumstances that justify this. I get this loud and clear. I also get the weather is going to be shit. But what that doesn't constitute is just waiting around and letting the day go by knowing you got people out there who still count on you to do something! Again, I can understand if you guys wanna call me out on it.

However. I don't know about any of you, but I just can't keep this up any-fucking-more!!! I'm tired of coming back here every single night, seeing this guy's face, seeing who was supposed to be his ex-wife come here seemingly at random intervals for god-knows-what, I'm tired of seeing his kid, I'm tired of this run-down house, I'm just tired of seeing this entire section of fucking town! I'm tired of seeing this part of the state! I'm just dead fucking tired, man! I just want out of here and nothing more! And after I'm away from here, I just want to be left alone! I honestly don't think that's too much to fucking ask for, right!?

But no. There's another delay. This time, leading into fucking March.

Like I said. I have no idea about the rest of you, but when I thought I'd be going home back in November, I kinda thought that this would go a little smoothly and with the utmost urgency before the shit weather rolled in. But now that it's here, I'm basically going to experience times where I'm going to be stuck here in East Providence due to the snowstorms that'll no doubt be coming left and right.

Fuck.

...I'm just tired, people. I really am fucking tired of just waiting around. I just want this to be over and done with so I can never look back on the things I've seen or heard throughout last year. I want to be able to blot those moments out of my mind if only for a little while as I load up Team Fortress 2, Garry's Mod, maybe even Castle Crashers and play some games with some friends and maybe have myself a little bit of fun. I try and do this every opportunity I get whenever this connection I'm on pops up, but HOLY SHIT does it take forever. Sometimes, it doesn't even work, leading me to shut the Wifi antenna off, snap the lid shut and then go to sleep for a long while. And when that doesn't work, I gather everything up and then go for a walk on down to either my dad's, my mom's or the library. Sometimes two places, depending on the day. Hell, I even threw my name onto this waiting list for a wireless hotspot over there and as of currently, I'm sitting in 4th, plus they got some new stuff coming in about a few weeks' time and with where I am now, they'll more than likely get me one pretty damn quick.

It sucks that I've had to wait all this time, but at this point, I just don't care. All I can do is to just be patient, check in when necessary and proceed as normal. Everything is out of my hands at this point. There's nothing that I can do. The same logic applies to the housing situation. I mean, aside from getting a hold of the two shelters I was at and ask for them to write a letter to the Housing Authority out here then submit through the "proper channels" and whatnot.

I'm just fed up with the waiting, people. But again. There's nothing I can do.

But when I am able to, oh man, that'll feel pretty good.

I suppose I might as well get going for now. I'm still doing okay, but I'm just tired. That's all.

Later.

Thursday Night,
February 11th, 2016

So, I'm sitting here with my mom as she watches a marathon of The Walking Dead. A show that I find more and more overrated and overhyped as time goes on. Yet, they're on an arc that I recall reading from one of the graphic novels that one of my cousins handed me a while back. Can't say I can't deny the lasting charm it's got, though. It's earned that distinction of being perhaps one of the best shows that have aired in the last few years, but at the same time, it's also getting on my nerves that there hasn't been much change in the zombie apocalypse genre, if at all. It's the same set-up, the same premise, the same plot, the same go here, go there, someone dies, they mourn, they move on, they bitch at each other, someone goes nuts and so on and so forth.

Just my opinion on the matter, people. Put down those pitchforks and torches.

So. What else is new in my neck of the woods?

Nothing. Not a damn thing. And talking about the same thing is getting sickening, but I'll say it again. I'm tired of this homelessness shit. I just want to go home and that's all. Maybe then, I'll be in a better mood.

I gotta get going for now, people. I got a bus to catch.

Early Monday Morning,
February 15th, 2016

I realized something when I looked back at a memory of mine from Facebook about yesterday. I said then that it didn't feel like I was back home then and three or four years after that post, I reflected back on it, only to realize that it still doesn't feel like home at all.

And you know something? I'm right. Much as I hate to admit it, I'm right. In the six years I've been here, I've had to put up with so much and what do I get for it in return? A lot of broken promises, empty dreams and nothing but misery and pain. Or rather, just straight-up nothing. Everyone I know within my immediate circle is a flatout liar, a fraud, a cheapskate, a phony, and more importantly, an asshole.

Sadly, it feels the same way to me. It feels as though that I've lied to myself the most, thinking that perhaps once I got back here that things would be different. I lied to myself thinking that perhaps I could hit the ground running and then things would be just fine as long as I kept my eye on the ball. I've just been lying to myself.

Late Night,
February 18th, 2016

Sometimes, there has to be a time where I just need a good old fashioned belly laugh or a good cry to put me back into the swing of things. In my case earlier today, was when I would indeed get one of those things done when I went out to go see my mom initially, but when I got my phone turned on, it turned out that my dad called me up, leaving me a message to call him. When I look at my text messages, he said that the Deadpool movie was showing at around 3:00. By this point, I figure, hey, I can always see ma tomorrow. She's not exactly going anywhere right now. I know that I kinda need to get the rest of the money that Tony needs for whatever reason, but just for today, I needed to get out and go do something fun for once. Besides, I don't really get out all that much nowadays, what with the weather having been shitty as it's been recently and there has been times when I've just been in a really sour mood.

Oh, how the Fates conspired. And in quite the way, I may add.

So we got there, got in to see the movie and for once in my fucking miserable life this year, I had an absolute blast. Without spoiling anything - then again, what is there to spoil with someone as insanely irreverent as Deadpool? - all I will say is that it's a movie that will shut you up from the word go. But, if there's one thing I could gripe on is the fact that his British and batshit nuts split personalities weren't mentioned. I have a feeling it will be at some point, but ehh. Whatever. Go see it, you pukes.

Of course, there was one thing that I did a few nights before. When I was coming back from seeing my mom on Sunday, I think this was, I hadn't even gotten around the corner of Warren and Burgess Avenue when I took a bit of a nasty spill on some ice and almost faceplanted into some snow, whacking my left knee on the side. This happened to me plenty of times when I was out here in the past and it's always that one corner that gave me the most trouble. Damn near took me out, I'll tell you that much. It kinda stung when I was getting back to the house, but I made it back in one piece, despite getting a bit shaken up.

Of course, with the outer edges of my shoes starting to go bald, that's not helping matters much, either.

But hey. That's my life for you.

I suppose I might as well get going for now. I'll bore you guys some other time. Take it easy for now.

Late Night/Early Morning,
February 25th, 2016

Sheesh. Talk about a fireworks show with the rough thuderstorms a little while ago. It was enough to knock out power to the lightposts outside! Not sure what else it did, but I'm betting dollars to doughnuts that there'll be some pissed off cleaning crews by the time sunrise hits.

But enough about that. Let's get into it.

Apparently, my mom has been getting notices from places about the potential of an apartment. Of course, it's a one-bedroom apartment. I was kinda hoping for a two, but at this point, you gotta take what you can get in this day and age. But here's the weird thing about it all. One of those places is out in Rues St. Catherine, out in Canada.

As much as I debated the idea in my head, the fact that a Canadian place has an opening somewhere for an apartment is massive. But at the same time, it would be hell getting citizenship to even get across the border, all the paperwork, all the this, the that, the da-da-da-da-da and so on and so forth. But yet, my mother has always wanted to go back out there so much. More to the point, there's really nothing for us here. There's no need for us to even be in this area. I mean sure, we can start all over in another country, but who knows what will happen out there. I mean, it would just be me and her.

But I know I would also love it out there. To see another part of the world, to experience something new, something different from everything else I've seen before. I mean, I've seen Florida, I've seen Kansas, I've seen Nebraska, I've seen it all, man. Well okay, not all.

But Canada. Hohboy. That's heavy. It's a lot to consider. Or as my mom put it when she and I were texting about it, it's bubblegum for the brain. But yet, the more that I think about it, what's stopping us, aside from the mountain of paperwork? In reality, there's nothing. Unless if something else were to happen, then maybe. But as of right now, there's really nothing in the way.

All that matters as of now, is what move do we make? Do we stay here or do we pull up our stakes and move to another country?

I'd go on about this some more, but I'm getting a little sleepy. I'll talk about this later on.

Tuesday Afternoon,
March 1st, 2016

Finally, a little bit of good news for fucking once in my life.

So, the apartment complex out on Washington Street where my grandmother used to live many years ago has at #28 on this waiting list, but considering the fact that we're homeless and all that means that we'll be rocketing up that list rather fucking quickly. My guess is that we'll be in an apartment of some sort... I wanna say by the first week of this month, if that's the case? Or if not the first week, then maybe by the second week, tops.

Of course, during all this, I'll be heading up to Woonsocket to go chill with my brother for a while until such a time occurs. And to be honest, I need to get the hell out of East Providence as a whole. There's way too much going on around this particular house that I want no part of. Moreover, I want to be out of this house before either of the following happens.

1. This place burns down due to Tony's careless cooking. (Will explain why)
2. A fight breaks out befween Tony and one of his tenants downstairs. (There has been a bit of tension going on between the two)

Since I mentioned someone getting careless with cooking, a few nights ago, I was farting around as I usually do here when of course, his ex comes into the house, and the two were going on about something - I never really pay attention to it, since it doesn't involve me in any fashion whatsoever - while he was cooking up some porkchops. Over time, however, I begin to pick up on the scent of something burning. I look around for a bit and then looking back out towards the kitchen area and call out, "Hey! Is something burning?!"

It would get resolved, but there was a lot of smoke everywhere. I would then open this window in front of me to let it out, but there was still too much of it around. I ended up having to get out of the house and go downstairs for a few minutes while everybody else was behind their doors, not even paying any attention to what was going on.

What. The. Fuck.

You know, if I didn't know any better, either Tony's going back to drinking again - which wouldn't surprise me at all to be honest, or there's something else going on around here. I don't know, and to be frank, I don't give a rat's ass. I'll be long gone before I'll find out, that much I can be certain of. And when I'm gone from here, I only want two things.

An uninterrupted shower for 10 minutes - 15 tops - and 23 and three-quarter hours of me being left the fuck alone. Don't bother me for anything. Don't ask my opinion on any politician. Don't ask me about the latest trends. Just no. Fuck off. Eat shit and bark at the moon, I don't care. After that, then perhaps we can talk. Other than that?

BLEH!

On top of all this, what else has been on my mind? Call this weird, but I've been in a creative mood. The problem, is that I have no clue as to what to make. Videos? More than likely. RPs? That could be a thing. So much to do, so little time to do it all in. But to be honest, I can hardly wait.

That's pretty much it for now. I'll talk some more later on. Take it easy, people.

Evening Edit

Apparently, it never stops. Turns out my uncle Pete - my father's brother - died of a heart attack. Of course, the harsh thing about it is that he was left out of the obituary. Like come on, man. He's been through enough as it is. I can also understand that he has been a fuckup, but come on! Enough's enough! That's his brother for fuck's sake!

...Damn. I just don't get it.

Wednesday Evening,
March 2nd, 2016

And so, the saga at East Providence finally ended mercifully today. I needed to get the hell out of that place for the longest time and my brother was the one who came in and made the save, as it were. He's of course got internet at his place here in Woonsocket through Verizon, and it's a top notch beauty, to be honest. My brother and I bullshitted about what went on over there and he might as well know the whole story, from start to finish. But if you were to ask me how in the hell I lived through all of that, all I can say is this.

Who says I did?

But yet, just when I think I've been through the worst. There are those unfortunate saps who've had it even worse. I don't hold it against them, though. Everybody goes through the wringer at least a couple dozen times in their lifetime, so what makes me any different? But yet, the simple fact that I made it out of there with my head still on my shoulders, my sanity still intact - to a degree - and my body still functional is a testament to the fact that I am still here. But yet, it's just not over yet. There'll still be more battles in the coming days. There'll still be more mountains to climb. There'll still be more bullshit to put up with. Just how much remains to be seen.

I just hope that I still have enough left in the tank to carry me through. That's all I ask. And when it's all said and done, I just want to rest easy after it's all over. That's it.

I have a feeling, however, that it won't come easy or cheap. But after everything that's happened in these past six months, I am happy to pay the price.

But I suppose I've talked your ears off. I think I need a nap or something. After all the moving around, I am utterly exhausted. I'll talk to you again later.

Friday Morning,
March 18th, 2016


View: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RxabLA7UQ9k


I had a thought. I'm gonna be 31 in about a month. And my brother? Holy shit, he'll be 35.

Jesus, man. Where the hell did the time go?

And you know, it's funny that I think about this, primarily because this is in fact one of those little things where you just sit down and think about. Sometimes you just can't avoid it, even when you look at the mirror. I got gray streaks in my hair, more than likely from either all of those cigarettes I've been smoking, nearly driven crazy from when my mom had that heart attack back in 2007, or maybe it could've been a variety of different things. Frankly, I'm not sure. What I do know, however, is that I'm getting older now. I feel it every day of my life. Every time that I get up to move around, I hear some of these old bones of mine creaking and groaning as if to say, "GODDAMMIT STOP MOVING AROUND AND LET US RELAX YOU OVERGROWN MOTHERFUCKER!"

But yet, here I am. Still moving around, still kicking around and all that shit. Can't slow down now. But at this point, I feel as though I need to go at a more relaxed speed. I mean, I spent all of last year having been forced to move in fast forward that I forgot what it feels like to sit back, enjoy a nice meal that wasn't brought in by a random church group, a university or some other type of shit. I almost forgot what it means to have your own space where you can just sit back, put on what you want without disturbing some other schmuck next to you, or all of these rules and regulations and petty bullshit that you hear about the next day and all that.

I almost forget what it feels like to just... Be me.

And I think that's what I feel as though that I've lost sight of, this being myself. I've spent so long away from everybody and everything that I kind of forgot who I was. I've spent so long having to worry about what'll happen within the next split second that I ended up having to stop thinking about the future that's further on down the road and having to adapt to a sort of survivalist mentality with a major case of Survivor's Guilt, mainly because of the fact that there are still people out there, regardless of their age, their gender, their ethnicity, their sexuality, their religion or whatever that are still out there, having to sleep out on the streets, under a bridge, out in an alley or if they're lucky enough, they found a shelter to hole up in.

Some eventually make it out and rejoin society. But then, there are those others who don't. It's usually those ones that I end up thinking about and relating to them since I was in their shoes at that point in time. By the same token however, there are those few within that cluster who don't want to reach out for help and just flat out give up. That this is how it'll be and there's nothing anyone can do or say about it. On one hand, I find that that's just sad but on the other, I find it aggravating.

But then again, it all comes down to a matter of choice. Some people would rather choose to be like everybody else, with a job, a family, a nice place to live - most of the time, anyway - where they are out there, enjoying their lives for once. Then there are others who choose to remain in that state of sheer and utter apathy, where they feel as though that they've been screwed over so much - in their own minds, depending largely on the situation - that they just give up entirely. Sometimes full stop, depending on who it is.

I can't help but feel bad about it whenever I see someone like that. I know I've talked about this time and time again people, but it's just one thing that I just can't get out of my head. But if it's anything to go by these days, is that it has to be one of those types of things where you just have to talk about it or otherwise, you'll never move past it as a human being. It may seem as though it's the hardest thing you'll eve have to do, but if it means anything? Everything that I've written about before from pages ago is a testament to the fact that I was there. I've been through it. A little over five, almost six months of my life that I had to spend in two shelters and another six months I've spent over at places where I didn't feel as though was safe enough and I needed to get out of there.

Nowadays, I have a lot more to look forward to even now. My main plan is to get out there, get my ass to work, maybe even get my license to drive, get a car and then? Who knows? I might even start planning on road trips. Go to a concert, go to a convention, catch a hockey game, baseball, something! Anything!

I know I crossed off going to see a movie this year when I saw Deadpool with my dad last month, so that's a start. But it's just not enough. I need to do more.

But I know it's going to take time.

And that's all that I got. Time.

I suppose I rambled on enough for now, so I might as well get going. I'll talk to you later on. See you later.

Late Night,
April 12th, 2016

You know, I don't think I've said this enough to people.

Just because I either haven't been around or hide myself online - admittedly, I do this whenever I don't feel like talking right now - or if there's something that I'm not doing for some reason, usually that should tell you that hey, maybe I should leave this guy alone for right now and wait until maybe he is in a better frame of mind.

Let's just keep this in mind. If I'm not in the mood to RP, then I'm not in the mood. Then again, I haven't been in one for the longest time due to my IRL circumstances. If I'm not in the mood to play a certain game, don't pester me about playing it with you.

Here's another example. I haven't made a video on my YouTube channel for over three years. Why? Again, my IRL came first and with quite the fucking quickness. But when you bother me constantly about making videos on there, it makes me not want to make anything and all these questions that are getting lobbed at me only make me want to spit out a quick cover story just to get you to shut the fuck up about it.

Yes, I admit it. I have lied my ass off to a fan's face about new videos. Why? Because time and again, my IRL has taken up so much of my time as of recently, what with my mother's bloodwork getting discontinued for some god forsaken reason EVEN WHEN THEY KNEW THAT HER RED BLOOD CELL COUNT HAS BEEN LOW AND HAS UNDERGONE TWO BLOOD TRANSFUSIONS AND IS LOOKING AT GETTING AN ENDOSCOPY TO UNCOVER WHERE SHE IS BLEEDING FROM.

So far, they haven't been able to pinpoint where, but this is the thing here, people.

No one seems to get the fact that I have a real life outside of my internet and gaming life and that maybe - just maybe - I just hit burnout. And yes, I admit to that, too. I've been getting burnt out these days. I run myself ragged every single day of my life trying not to lose my own goddamn mind every chance I get, but then, someone always comes along and wants to show me something cool, something stupid, something this, something that and it all spins outta control into a constantly swirling vortex of insanity to the point where you just wanna haul off and want to punch the first motherfucker you see right in the cock because all you wanted to do was to just sit and veg out on something different for a change but no, no, no, NO! You have to be on their time and everything has to be about what's going on with this thing and that and the why aren't you doing a video about this thing and that thing and how come you haven't made a video in a while what's going on are you okay and did you abandon your channel and da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da...


View: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6AOnbhl906s


...Exactly that. Exactly that. People, there has to be a limit on this. I don't want to have to be the bad guy here, but you know... You keep PISSING me off by asking me about shit that I don't care about hearing about right now. Let me get my mind into gear for about five goddamn minutes and then we'll talk turkey. I am not a machine. I am human under this screen, the avatar, the IP address I'm writing this from, each keystroke my fingers rap, tap, tap off of, with a working brain - most of the time - and who has limits that can be easily reached if you push me hard enough to want to lash out at you. If I seem a bit mean about wanting you back off a smidge or if I don't say anything for a while, then that's your own goddamn fault for taking it that far out of context. You should've known full well that the exact instant you get in contact with me that my time is limited and my patience is already wearing thin. I don't have time to answer stupid questions, I don't have time to watch videos and offer my opinions on them, I don't even have time to even think up of a reason enough to care about the things I see on the screen. Either get to the point, get what you need to say done and then get the fuck outta my face.

I don't think that's too much to ask for, unless if I'm somehow getting something completely wrong or maybe I missed a memo or something, but if I did, please send that over would you? I'll need that for my ever growing stack of other notes and shit.

In all seriousness people, that's just it. There are times when I just have no patience. I have no time to offer. I'm constantly busy all the time and I just can't do anything right now and for all intents and purposes, I may end up like fucking Howard Hughes the longer this goes on and just suddenly disappear without a trace. No words of warning. No evidence as to where I am or went to. Nobody will know jack shit. End of story. I'm done. Stick a fork in me, I'm done. That's it.

But to be honest folks, I don't want to do that. I want to be able to let my creativity flow back into me. I want that more than anything. I want to be able to do the things I enjoy doing and maybe come up with something completely out of the blue, something so out of left field nobody will see it coming unless if they're standing out on Yarkey Way, just over the Green Monster and heading all the way down to Huntington to sing another victory song.

You see that? I just pulled a string of Boston references out of my ass. I want to do something like that again. But constantly bothering me to make something up on the spot isn't going to get you anywhere anytime soon. Just leave me alone, let me sort out a few things on my end and when I'm good to go, I will let you know. Simple as that. Right?

*deep inhale, followed by a deep sigh*

God, people suck.

People do suck and in all honesty despite the amount of times I complain about being lonely or bored, the reason why I don't purposely fix it is because there are times when I want to be alone too and people get all offended. I had a problem with the last person I bonded closely with and as soon as I couldn't pay more attention to him he ditched me, defriended me on everything...yeah. Like, I will be honest, I did pull away from him at a time, but only because I couldn't spend my entire time talking to him. I needed to be alone, especially when he started questioning me every second of the day asking why I was roleplaying with this person and not him...it's just tiring and makes me want to just stop being online.

All the stuff you have going on, I would not be angry if you were to disappear for a few days. Maybe a little worried if we talked all the time, but I know that there are other obligations that need to be attended to and you can't spend your entire time obsessing over a single person, or a roleplay, or game night. I am always burned out, it's a problem I have when I'm too stressed so it's just hard for me to develop an online routine when I just want to curl up in bed and sleep.

You're not asking for too much at all, people just need to realize that not everyone can dedicate 100 percent of their down time to a game or a website.

Late Night,
April 28th, 2016

If there's one thing I can acknowledge, it's this.

People still suck, but then there are times when they can turn out to be the most intriguing and engaging types of people you'll ever meet. Today, as I was coming back from seeing my mom today, I talked with a random bunch of strangers about everything and nothing in particular. Then again, a mother and father with an eight-month-old son who was recovering from a pretty bad viral infection, one gentleman who was off of parole and another guy who had a longhair Shih Tzu - I think. Could've been a cocker spaniel for all I know - and we were just carrying on and just enjoying ourselves for about an hour while waiting for the 8 o'clock bus to come around and once we were all packed in, we continued chatting on the bus for about another 45 minutes more before they got off at a stop after the Lincoln Mall, since they had to go get bloodwork for the kid all done. True, it was rather late at night, but hey, after the kind of bullshit they had to put up with - i.e., the kid who got their kid sick had a mother that didn't believe in immunizing their child, but that's another subject - it was understandable. Plus, the kid was handling it like a champ, despite he was also teething on top of that. I half wanted to recommend an old trick that was used on my brother a while back due to him being all colicky, this being rubbing his gums with a bit - AND ONLY A BIT - of Jack Daniels while they each get a nice glass each to sleep it off, but I don't know how that would've worked. They were a nice couple, too.

It's just one of those rare types of occasions where I found myself glad that I wasn't stopped out in the middle of my usual walks and get asked if I got a cigarette to spare or any change.

But you know...

*sigh*

I sometimes feel as though that there are times when I feel rather unappreciated. Case in point. I went to go see my mom today, but I knew I had to get over to the Providence Public Library, since I knew that there was something that I either had to get a renewal on. This something was a NetGear AirCard, something I had to use all this month since I didn't want to be on my brother's connection and "download anything", according to him.

How I sometimes forget that all I am here is just a guest. Nothing more.

But yet, I had to run my errand before I scooted over to my mom. So I get that done, only to end up returning the AirCard, since it was in high demand. I can always get it again some time later, I figure. So after that's done, I then walk back to Kennedy Plaza, get on the R-Line and ride it down to Pawtucket, get on the 71 up Broad Street and walked up the rest of the way. Of course, it doesn't stop at the Rite-Aid that way anymore due to safety concerns, but hey, I figured fuck it and jump off at the point before the corner.

So I get there, I go see my mom... Only to get bitched out because of the fact that I didn't show up earlier like I was supposed to.

You know folks, it's an hour-plus long ride from Woonsocket to Providence. Hour and fifteen, if you include traffic. Then it's another 45 minutes from there to Pawtucket. Sometimes it may be an hour there, due to people wanting to get off along the way. Depending on what shows up once you get to the transit center, it'll be upwards to about another 15 minutes to wait for the next bus. Sometimes, you might get lucky and the bus you need will be right around the corner. Other times, you might not. It's all chance. She eventually lets it go, but... You know, I have a tendency to not forget things like that. It was at that point that I just thought to myself, great. You're two for two. What else can go wrong, huh? Who else wants to take a shot at me, huh? Maybe my brother blows a shitfit because I left something out? Maybe someone on Discord chews me out for going missing over the past few days? I don't know. Who else wants a piece outta me, huh? Maybe this guy, this girl, you, them, everybody. I don't know.

But no. An interesting and enlighening conversation, packed with raunchy jokes here and there perks me right back up for a while. After all was said and done, I eventually pulled my headset on and turn on my music and fiddled with my tablet during the rest of the ride.

Like I said before. People suck. Sometimes not so much, but when they do, you'll know.

This is only a thought, but in my eyes at this point, I've come to the conclusion that at this point in my life, all I want to do is to just get my own place and then be left alone. I'll maybe pop out to say hello to the occasional person here or there, but I don't know. Kinda had enough with some friends and all my family as of recently. But then again, I could be just like my father, where I just hate being bothered with all of this nonsense.

Or maybe I'm just getting tired. I dunno. I try and do everything I can to at least be there for people... Only to get shit on for it. Nice to know there's still a pecking order in the grand scheme of things.

I think I might as well call this a night. I'll talk to you guys later.

I guess.