What's Within A Heart Of Darkness

I've never really made one of these, but I figured I'd try it out. At first, I've only been interested in the roleplaying when I first came to this site. I came here a couple of years ago, under the name SexyBeast or something like that, but I left due to personal reasons. When I came back, I couldn't remember my password, and the email address I used was no longer accessible. So I shrugged and decided to make a new account, which is the one you see today.

Before, I was a little bit younger, only roleplaying with friends of mine, a little bit inexperienced. Now, I'm a little older, a little wiser. I've been out in the world, I've seen how nice a complete stranger can be to you, and I've seen how nasty a stranger can be to you. At my last job at working fast food, I was miserable. People were rude, the staff was incompetent, the hours were long, the pay was horrible, it was a nightmare. Now that I'm in a new job, I'm a little happier with my life, and I've begun opening up to more people. I've explored the site a little more, and I want to participate in some of the other things here.

First off, before I do that though, I feel like I've angered a few people in the past, in this account, and my previous account. I want to apologize for anything I've done in the past. Candira, Pony of Death, and others, I'm very sorry for abandoning you during our roleplay. There was a mix of reasons as to why I didn't say anything before. First off, I've gotten a lot of PMs, I lost track and thought I responded ages ago. When I found out that it was my fault, I felt awkward and didn't want to say anything. It was a mix of the fact that I'm bad a confronting someone, and I also hate admitting that I was in the wrong. But it wasn't fair to any of you, I abandoned the roleplay, something I hate to have happen to me. It's frustrating, and cowardly. I feel awful for what I've done, and I hope you'll forgive me. Maybe we could give the roleplay another try, maybe do something different. If not, I hope you find another partner that is more suitable than I have been, and I hope things work you for you.

I don't want any bad blood here, but I'd be lying if I said that there were a few people that didn't anger me. I won't name names, but I've had rude people here too. I like a little bit of manners here, but I'm also aware that this is the internet, so you won't always find a polite person everywhere you go. I understand there are a few times I deserved it, like when I accidentally controlled the partner's character, but there are times I'm yelled at for how I roleplay. I've been yelled at for being uncreative, boring, slow, and it's all just really rude. Seriously, it's just rude to be yelled at when you're just trying to have fun. It takes out all of the fun, and I feel like I'm working now. All I have to say for those people is that, I'm sorry I wasn't what you wanted, but we can't really roleplay in the future, we're just too different roleplayers.

With that out of the way, I hope I can mend together broken bonds and get a little better known on the site, maybe make a few more friends. I'm happy to roleplay with other people whenever they ask. I'm pretty open to most things. I use to do mostly smut, but I wanted to try other things too. If you can't already tell by my other request threads, I'm a big fan of Castlevania. It was a game I played when I was a kid, and I grew up with the series. Whenever I make a roleplay that's supernatural, the monsters have some sort of aspects from that series. Is it fan based? Sure. Is it uncreative? Maybe, depending on how you take it. I like to insert my own characters in it, and leave out most of the characters from the series. Sure, Dracula and Death will probably have some sort of big role. The Belmont family might be around, but I'll put in my own Belmont. If not, my own vampire hunter. Just don't give me a hard time if you don't like the way I roleplay.

What was I saying before? Oh right, being on the site more. When I'm not at work, I like to hang out with friends and come online. I spend a lot of time on the internet, and I like to come here to relax. I plan to be on the site more, participate in some of the activities other than just roleplays. Does that mean I want to be a moderator? No, not really. We already have a successful team of moderators already. If they plan to add more, I don't really want to be one myself, it's just not for me. Plus, I'm kind of unreliable at times, so I don't think they'd want a person like that. :/

Well, that's all I have to say for now. I'll probably come back here to log about other events and general thoughts, and if I have to apologize to someone else. Now let's all dance!

RE: My Truth, My Apologies, And Other Stuff

Well, Valentine's Day is approaching and I have another year of being alone. It wouldn't be so bad except for that they make a holiday to remind me of how lonely I am. It fucking pisses me off about it. Yea, I like being alone. On my days off, I sometimes just stay in my house and play video games. I'll make my usual run to Burger King, say hi to my former coworkers and grab some food to relax. Yea, I'm a fatty, so what? I'll either play video games or sit around watching internet videos, whichever one comes to mind first. I love doing that, but occasionally I want to have someone around. And not my usual friends, those hairy bastards. I'd like a woman in my life. I have female friends, but they either already have a boyfriend or they just aren't interested in dating for the time being.

Is it bad the my recent crush is my best friend? We've been friends for a long time, and I've kind of liked her for close to that same amount of time. We've been through a lot together, and we've put up with a lot of each other's shit.
For example:
Me: Happy Easter.
Her: What the fuck is that suppose to mean? You think I go to church?
Me: No....it's just that it's the holiday and I wanted to make sure you enjoyed your day.
Her: You fucking idiot. You should think before opening your fat mouth.

Yea, we fight a lot, but we get over it pretty quickly. The only problem is that she isn't interested in dating. That and she sees me as a "brother". It's painful to hear something like that, especially whenever someone sees us together and thinks that we are dating. Everyone, even our friends, can imagine us dating, just not her. I've liked her for so long, but I'm on the verge of giving up. I haven't really been that interested in any other girls lately. It might be because my past job, and how everyone pissed me off when I worked there. The second a pretty girl did something to annoy me, I didn't want to put up with it. Girls that I can get along with always seem to be already dating someone.

Ok, I lied. There are a couple of other girls I am interested in, but like I said before, they are dating someone. Is it bad that I get my hopes up when they have relationship problems? It is, isn't it? I feel so sleazy when I think about it, but I've been lonely. Every time I see them have an argument with their boyfriends, I try to cheer them up and it makes me feel good to know that I was able to lighten up their crappy days. I feel even worse about it because I'm good friends with their boyfriends too. One of them had a birthday recently, and I had to take care of him while he was drunk off his ass. He was talking about another girl that liked him and how he was seriously considering having sex with her. There were multiple things I could've done. I could've encouraged it, having his current girlfriend dump him and I make a move on her. I could've punched him for considering it, but he was drunk off his ass. What I did was look at him and told him that I wasn't going to make decisions for him. I told him to do what he thought was right, but to consider how his girlfriend would feel and think about how much she loves him. I made sure to remind him of that the next day, and from what I heard, he took the next weekend off work and spent it all with his girlfriend. It's great that I can help people with relationships, but when it comes to getting one for myself, it fails miserably.

Well, I'm gonna go do stuffs to take my mind off the depressing matter. I hope you all enjoy your Valentine's Day and hopefully it isn't as miserable as mine will be.

RE: My Truth, My Apologies, And Other Stuff

I've always been the type who doesn't go looking and hoping. The best relationships just naturally fall into your lap. The harder you look and the harder you try (such as consoling girls when they have fights with their boyfriends), the harder you'll fail in the end. You're definitely showing signs of getting desperate, which you shouldn't. Love is great, but it can't be forced. I'd rather have a true connection that I had to wait years for, than to go through all of the drama, stress, and paranoia of many poor matches.

I had a guy friend who was similar, but much worse. He was rather predictable and known for it. The second a girl was mad at her boyfriend... there he was. The second a girl broke up with her boyfriend... there he was. Otherwise, he never really bothered with the girls. I had been a target before. Almost the second my relationship status on Facebook changed to single, he IM'd me, ready to console and support me. And he wouldn't leave me alone for weeks after that. Then later I had made some kind of comment on someone's status saying I was the type of girl who was always the friend, never the love interest and he made some snarky comment about me not taking the bait when he was making advances on me. But you know what? Being the 'nice guy' can backfire on you. You know the stereotype that people claim, girls saying they just want a nice guy. Well, yeah, duh, of course they do. But there is also being too nice. Many girls wants to feel special and feel that the guy is genuinely being kind to her, and being supportive to her. Not saying he has to be a douche to other girls. But if a guy does this to every individual with a vagina, it just looks fake and less genuine.

RE: My Truth, My Apologies, And Other Stuff

I can pretty much agree with everything that Ms Muffintops said; save for the bit about not looking for love. Just because love isn't natural, doesn't mean you can't go looking for it, but to each his own, I suppose. What I would like to add in addition to all of that is going to sound cliche but I have seen and experienced it first hand.

First, it is perfectly fine to want to console your friends and make them feel better if they are fighting with their current/ex boyfriends. You do not want to pursue them romantically, however; at least not then and there. If you do that, you'll be what we call the 'rebound guy' and all you are doing is setting yourself up to get hurt and, more than likely, ruin a friendship. (Most) Women (and men for that matter) need their space to collect their thoughts after a bad breakup. Let them know that you are there for them if they need anything, but don't push the matter beyond that.

Second, you don't want to date someone that you have that kind of relationship with for pretty much the same reasons. You said that you fight a lot. That is fine for friends and sure, couples fight, but they should not do so frequently. That is what we call a toxic relationship and those don't last either. Eventually, more than likely, things won't work out and you'll both be hurt from losing a great friend.

Be happy to just be friends with these women and look for love elsewhere. It's the most sound advice that I can give.

RE: My Truth, My Apologies, And Other Stuff

Thanks guy. I'm actually a bit surprised someone was willing to read my ramblings, let alone respond.

I know I shouldn't, and I feel so disgusted in myself when I think about how I get a little excited about that. I mean, have I really fallen that far? Am I really that desperate? Although it's not like I only talk to them when they have relationship problems. They are both pretty cool people to talk to. One is a huge gamer and we usually talk about tips if we are struggling and recommend game to each other. I'm not a big fan of horror games, but she got me into Dead Space, and I got her into Castlevania. The other one, I just like to talk to. We talk about our days, and I tend to also translate for her boyfriend. Her boyfriend is an idiot and likes to have his alone time or his "bro time", but he can never put it in the right words to his girlfriend and ends up hurting her feelings. I come in and translate it to where she's a little less mad a him. Both of these girls seem very happy with their current boyfriends, which makes me feel terrible to even think about sabotaging their relationships for my selfish reasons.

My best friend is a different story though. She's fully aware of my feelings for her, but I kind of stopped caring by now. Most of my approaches are now just playful flirting, and we have a lot of fun together. I still really like her, but I'm kind of at the point that I'm happy with my current relationship with her and I don't want to risk messing it up. If we get together, then we get together. If we don't, then oh well. I was happy today though, she actually returned the favor and was playfully flirting with me too. It was probably just because it was Valentine's Day, and she's fully aware that I hate and I'm a little more depressed on that holiday.

I don't want to be the 'rebound guy' and I don't want to look fake to any of them. It's just that it's been a while since I've gone out with anyone, and it's hard to see when other people look so happy. It's especially worse when I know that the guy they are with is a complete asshole. When they finally break up, I want to comfort them and show them that I can be better, but that makes me no better than the asshole. All of this was pretty much my best friend, she meets guys and immediately falls in love after talking to them for about an hour, which makes things more painful for me considering my feelings for her.

I think I'll just take a break and not date anymore, at least for now. I'm happy with my current relationships, and I'm just setting myself up to fail if I keep doing what I'm doing. I'm just going to remain single and enjoy it. Save my money up, do fun things with my friends, spend time with my family. I'm still just 20 years old, I don't need to find true love right now.

Thanks again for the advice. I really appreciate it. It's nice to get to get advice form someone that isn't in my usual group of friends, considering a lot of them are idiots. And it's a little awkward to talk about this with any of these girls I'm friends with. Honestly, it feels great to be opening up to people more and wanting to make new friends. It's a nice change from just roleplaying.

RE: My Truth, My Apologies, And Other Stuff

That's the right attitude to have! I'm twenty-four, single, and haven't been 'on the market' by my own choice for about two years because I am just not ready for another committed relationship. The girl that I had been seeing before was, for a lack of better reference, very similar to what you are talking about. She grew up down the street from me, we were in the same grade through school, and we were best friends. We didn't 'hook up' until our junior year, but we were together for a couple of years until she was killed in a car accident.

So yeah; enjoy being single. When you're young is the best time for such things.

RE: My Truth, My Apologies, And Other Stuff

I'm sorry for your loss. I can't imagine losing my best friend, or any of my close friends for that matter. A lot of them are idiots, but I still care for them.

I probably will enjoy being single. With my job, I get free flights, so I'll go out and travel a bit. Go see places that I've wanted to see for a long time. Hell, I'll do what a coworker did and go to Philly for cheese steaks for lunch.

RE: My Truth, My Apologies, And Other Stuff

You are a braver man than I, my friend. I've fallen asleep in the woods while hunting and woken up with a mother bear and her cub not more than fifty feet in front of me and I didn't even bat an eye, but I will be damned if I am setting foot on a plane. Bears, snakes, spiders? No problem. Putting more than ten feet between me and the solid ground? Yeah, fuck that noise. *sigh* Big macho man afraid of heights.

RE: My Truth, My Apologies, And Other Stuff

Thanks again for the support, it did help a lot. I've been in kind of a dull motion lately. As a hardcore gamer, I haven't really been doing much gaming lately. I still have games from Christmas that I haven't even started yet. I still play games now and again, but it's only for about an hour or so. Most of what I've been playing is Lords of Shadow, mainly because I never got to play the DLC when it came out. I got a bunch of Microsoft Points for Christmas and I finally downloaded it. I still play my 3DS, but it's mainly to pass the time at work. I am excited for Mirrors of Fate to come out at the beginning of March. I even preordered it to make sure that I got a copy.

Most of my time either goes to watching videos on my laptop, hanging out with friends, coming here, or work. I am excited for next Wednesday though. I'm finally starting my D&D campaign with my friends, and we'll be going to whole day. We even got a hold of a friend that moved to the other side of the country, and he's joining via Skype. So, I'll probably be gone most of the day, I might come online to see what's going on at least.

It's been nice getting to talk to people more often. I find it surprising actually. A few months ago, I couldn't care less about making friends. I was angry most of the time, and I often snapped at people for no reason. Now I'm open to more people, willing to chat with them, and I've even made a few new friends. I think it has something to do with the job change. I was miserable at my old job, always having to talk to people, everyone treating me like they were better than me. Now I don't have to see those people. The people I get to see are much nicer, willing to help out, and joke around. Plus I get to drive around an airport in a baggage cart, WOO!

Well, I'll probably stop here, not much to say for now. I might make another post soon, might not, whatever comes to mind that I need to say. See ya.

RE: My Truth, My Apologies, And Other Stuff

Nice to see a gamer getting out there and being social. I'm pretty sure my current relationship is on it's inevitable downward spiral thanks to online gaming, and fellow online gaming friends. I wish I could get into D&D, but I don't know anyone who plays... at least near by.

RE: My Truth, My Apologies, And Other Stuff

I've never been that interested in online gaming. Unless I'm doing it with friends, I've just never really cared for it. I have xbox live, but I don't use it very often. I don't play many MMOs. I guess the only online game I play a lot of is League of Legends, but that's just because I have a few friends I play with.

You'd be surprised about who plays D&D. Some of the guys I'm doing this with I never would've expected. And, like I said earlier, I've got one joining through Skype, so you don't really need to have everyone physically there. I just love it because of the roleplaying aspect and getting to screw with my friends. Since I'm the only healer of the group, they can't risk me getting hurt so I can be an ass as much as I want.

RE: My Truth, My Apologies, And Other Stuff

Hello again everyone. Sorry for being absent for the majority of today. Had my all day D&D campaign with my friends. It was a blast. While we were waiting, they got me into League of Legends. I can't believe that the game has flown under my radar for so long. I had a lot of fun, and I played a few rounds. I'm pretty good as Rammus, or whatever his name is, the turtle guy. We're actually getting ready to go another round, we got another friend into it.

So again, I'm really sorry for not really been online today. Actually, I've been having a little bit of a writer's block lately. I've still been posting, it's just that posts have been coming out a little slower than usual. It's a mix of me being tired and just anticipating the events today. I should be able to get back into my regular flow, I hope. I'm sorry if it feels like I'm leaving people hanging. I haven't forgotten the RP, it's just that I can't think of anything to say. I sometimes spend up to 30 minutes just staring at a page, not knowing what to type. It has nothing to do with your posts, it's just that nothing comes to mind when I try to think of something.

Well, I think the match is getting ready to start, so I'll stop here. I'll try to get back to posting regularly really soon.

RE: My Truth, My Apologies, And Other Stuff

Hello again everyone. It's been a while since I've updated this thing. Things have been fine. I switched to full time at my job, so I'm receiving much more hours now. Now I get more money, but I also come online less often. I've been bringing my laptop with me to work, giving me something to do during my down time. Hell, I'm on my break as I'm typing this. I do feel like I have to apologize though. I'm sorry if I'm taking too long with my replies, I try my best to come online often and respond to my partners.

As for personal things, not too much has happened. Two of my friends got into a huge argument yesterday. It was one of the girls I kind of like and her boyfriend. Her boyfriend was being a moron and was lying to her about being at work while he was really hanging out with his friends. She eventually found out and they began arguing. Eventually they were arguing in front of my house, causing a lot of trouble to the point that the neighbors called the police. I yelled at both of them, mainly for dragging me into their problems and causing so much stress for me. I did feel bad afterwards, but luckily they made up. It was nice to see them happy again, I just wish her boyfriend would grow a pair and tell the truth to begin with.

I also got a hold of a friend that I haven't talked to in a couple of years. It was nice to talk to him again, and now we plan to try to hang out more often, or at least talk more often. Other than those two events, not much else has happened in my life.

Oh, I got that new Castlevania game for the 3DS. It was a lot of fun, beat the game. I'm really pumped for the next installment, whenever it comes out. I do have a few worries though. Mainly since you're playing as Dracula, I'm thinking that you'll be a bit overpowered. It'll be like the Dynasty Warriors series where it's just one overpowered warrior fighting legions of soldiers and taking out like flies. There's nothing wrong with that, but that just doesn't feel like Castlevania to me. Hopefully I'll see more of it in the future and I'll be able to decide whether I want to get it or not.

Well, that's it for now. Hopefully I'll update this thing more. Take care guys. Bye.

RE: My Truth, My Apologies, And Other Stuff

Damn, been busy with work. I only get two days off, and I'm always busy on both of them. On one day, I run errands and hang out with a lady friend that I like, mainly because it's also her day off and her only day off during the week. On the other day, it's what my friend likes to call "bro's day". Just us guys getting together and hanging out. Although I enjoy going out and having fun, I do like to just have some alone time. I do get it sometimes, when my friends are unavailable for whatever reason, I get some free time to catch up on my games and come online here some more.

Sure, I'm online often, but a lot of the time it's off my phone. It's a pain in the ass to type off that thing, I've got fat fingers. I do still RP off of it, but it's normally for some of the roleplays when I don't need to type as much. Most of my thread roleplays, I have to wait until I get on my laptop to be able to respond. As for getting on my laptop at work, the internet there sucks. It cuts off from time to time, there's times it doesn't even connect, and when it does connect, it's really slow to where it takes a few minutes to load a page. It's a pain in the ass, and I'm sorry for my slow responses for that.

At least I'm making more money by working more hours. I'm getting to know more people, hopefully I can get my personal schedule finally running. I want to work out a schedule where I work all day for three days and get a four day weekend. I can do that by trading shifts with people, it's just that I might be a little late to the game for that. A lot of people have already traded away what they need to trade, so I might just have to wait until we get our summer schedules.

As for what's been going on lately, things have been great. On Monday, I spent the day with two girls I like, although it was a little hard trying to act normal around them. One of them is aware that I like her, but has yet to really return the feelings, but she doesn't deny that she doesn't feel the same. The other doesn't know that I like her because she's already dating someone and I don't want to add trouble to their relationship, although I have a feeling she kind of likes me. It could just be me, but I kind of get the feeling when she texts me when she's bored and she calls to ask if she could see me when her boyfriend is too busy with whatever the hell that bum does.

I've also had friends pester me about us all moving in together. I don't want to do it for multiple reasons. One is that we argue all the time, I can't imagine us doing that 24/7. They are all a pain in my ass. One is a huge moron and a huge baby. He doesn't think, all he does is drink and smoke weed, and when you don't do something he wants to do, he whines about it until you either give in or yell at him. I usually yell. Another one, the boyfriend I mentioned before, is also an idiot. Granted, he's smarter than the first friend, but he does a lot of things without thinking things through. He never keeps a job because he quits when it gets too hard, he tries a lot of dumb "get rich quick" schemes, and he's also a pothead. He even tries to sell pot, which I don't want to live with a person like that. I don't want the cops coming in while I'm sleeping, and taking my stuff because it might smell like their pot. And I'm sure they won't be able to stand me for too long, with me yelling at them all the time. The second I get insulted, I come back even harder. I think I get that from my dad.

Well, aside from that, things have been ok. I've got work soon, so I should probably start getting ready. Hopefully things will work out a little better. See ya.