From the Ashes

It's amazingly simplistic how freeing that phrase can be, especially when you really truly believe it. I have found many things I don't care for. But as of this moment, the truest and brightest light in my thoughts, is on the past. I find that I don't care about the pain from it, it guided me to become who I am.

I don't care about all those people who thought they knew me, and thought they could judge me. They are just people behind a screen, hiding their faces. For those who knew me in real life, and sought to hurt me - that isn't changed either. I don't care, about those people. Who purposefully sought out to hurt me, who sought out harm.

Those people who thought, that they could control me - manipulate - and bring me down. I may not appear to have risen above my adversity, based on the place I live. But inside my heart and mind, I have risen above. Like a phoenix from the ashes a new mentality takes the place of the old. Molded and strengthened by the things I have been through.

I am Free

From the ashes of a child form, rises the woman I am now. I have risen through the adversity of the life I had been raised in. Yes, there is a person in particular - I have to thank for opening my eyes - to the fallacies of my childhood and raising. Yes, he was someone that brought me great joy - depression - hope - and a plethora of other emotions. It was through this learning experience, that I started to learn how to break free of my bindings.

I have experienced much, since my years of being on this site. Through the people I have met, and interacted with. Through the roleplayers I have had the honor of playing with. All of this, has been part of my growth. I have almost been a mother, but lost my child due to medical reasons. If there hadn't been medical reasons, would I have kept the child? I do honestly believe - yes I would have. Because despite what the /father/ wanted for me to do, it was my choice. Had there been no medical issues, I would have kept my child.

Given how the world turns, things might have been different if I had. But I made my choice, based on what was available to me. As a result, my life is different. It's been a little over a year and a half, since I lost my child - and it's taught me many things. People will act how they choose, because it's what they want to do. I lost friends and family, due to my decision. Overall I have learned I don't care.

If those people had truly cared, they would have stayed. I have to say the same, about the men and women who have been in and out of my life.

I am engaged, and have been with the male in question for while now. We accept each others natures, amplify each other. Though he isn't overly dominant, he is learning. It's because he knows he cannot satisfy me completely, that he allows me to go where I need to get what I need. Because of this, I love him all the more. He has always allowed this, and it is one of the reasons I love him the most.

Other males and females may come in and out of my life, I may care for them - but it is my Dee that I come home too.


Overall, I'm enjoying my life. I have an amazing relationship with my fiance, and I have an amazing and talented Dominant. My Dominant, though he is not my fiance, is someone that I care for deeply. It's needed for the kind of trust I place into his hands. And though he is younger then me by four years(He is 19, I'm 23), he takes me higher and farther then /any/ Dominant I have ever had. Any male sexual partner I have had, ANY, has never reached the level of fine control that my Clockwork Raven has... He takes me to heights that I never thought possible, and craddles me as I fall from the heights.

I really love my men, and I know they love me. Which is all that matters.

I still have the same shit different day - problems with my family. The In-laws to be, also have a lot of problems with what they think I should be. They want to change me into their perfect little perception of a barbie doll like house wife. That is /not/ me, and I will not allow anyone else to change who I am - simply because they want it.


I am free

Though life is getting better, there are still things that have changed me. It's been over a month now, since the death of a great man. The man that has been part of my families lives for fifteen years. With the death of a great man, I find a lacking in my life. He was teaching me, how to be a talented and great Domme. He was one of the few that didn't require sexual interaction to learn. Which was what I loved about him.

He never touched me, in fact said it was a disgusting thought. I was like a daughter to him, or a niece. From what I have heard. He taught me through showing me, and speaking to me. Answering any questions I had. And from him I learned more about myself then I had ever learned with anyone else.

Through his death, I have found I have to make a choice. With the death of a great man, many people in my local community are coming out of retirement. For with the Death of one of our figureheads, we find a spree of 'Toy Store Dominants' breaking into our community area. Misusing and abusing the submissives who are too new to understand. I have a choice, step out of my shadows and present myself to the community again - or sit back and let them handle it.

It's a choice I have to figure out on my own, but I'll figure it out. My teacher would want me to take my time and make a proper decisions. Based on what I observed, and what I had learned and felt I needed to act on. So patience is key, and I will watch. Overall the final decision is mine.

I am free.

Setting up a community event is hard, especially when you are doing it on your own. Getting together people of interest, and finding the right kind of Djs. Getting all the gear, and getting all the funds. It's rather difficult, especially for someone so young. Most promoters are at least ten years older then me. But I'm up for this challenge, I'm up for any challenge thrown my way.

Working on writing stories, writing musical lyrics, and working on just generally bettering myself. Removing the cancerous growths of people I do not need in my life, who cause me nothing but harm. I will not allow myself to fester any longer. I have too much ahead of me. I am too driven, to let these people hold me back and hold me down.

Losing friends hurts, but losing people that were never friends - hurts a lot less. It's like clipping my nails, I've come to realize, annoying but needed. I have to build myself up, to have a better future. Work on getting into the Culinary Academy, work on creating a life. Work on having my children, and having my pathways. Marriage can come later, I'm married in my heart - and do not need a piece of paper to tell me that I am with my partner.

Grow and learn, twist and change. Allow myself the chance to be who I am, who I will be. Remember where I came from, but do not dwell on the past that once bound my wings.

I am Free

Sometimes people write stories based on dreams they have had. This is based off of a nightmare.

Also, I do not own the lyrics in this story. It's Poets of the Fall - War.




Do you remember standing on a broken field
White crippled wings beating the sky
The harbingers of war with their nature revealed
And our chances flowing by

If I can let the memory heal
I will remember you with me on that field


Eyes closed, she stood on the dusty field. She was alone, and she knew exactly why. Eyes slowly opened and took in the scene around her. Amber eyes held a profound sadness, tinged with the grief she felt. She took a step forward, only the falter. The ache of her own wounds, her own pains, filled her with a deep pain that threatened to devour her mind. Her robes were in tatters, the once white garments had been stained a dark color. Parts of it were black, and some were crimson. Varying stages of drying blood, and other visceral like oddities covered the tattered remains of fabric.

Behind her, arching up, were her wings. Once they had been a dark midnight hue, with the feathers each tipped in the darkest amethyst. Now those wings were in tatters, like the gown that covered her body. Bits of ivory bone sticking out at odd angles, the dangling of tendons and arteries. The blood had long since stopped flowing from the injuries. The wounds cauterized, and sealed up. No chance of them ever growing back. The battlefield had seen to that.

When I thought that I fought this war alone
You were there by my side on the frontline
When I thought that I fought without a cause
You gave me a reason to try

She was alone now. Even the one that said he would be beside her always, had fallen in this War. The one that had said he cared, even if they could not be with each other, they still cared for one another. Even he was gone, tattered and broken on these fields. Trampled and defaced, like everyone else.

Her hand came up as she ran it back through her hair. It was slick, and sticky. A rather odd feeling of relief washing through her. It was the end, and she was happy for it. The scene faded then, from her mind, as she wrapped her mind around what had brought the world to the point it was at.

Turn the page I need to see something new
For now my innocence is torn
We cannot linger on this stunted view
Like rabid dogs of war

I will let the memory heal
I will remember you with me on that field

"Run!" She screamed as her head turned. Her eyes scanning the line of her companions. They were all trying their hardest, but this new foe was nothing any of them had expected. With a simple touch, it destroyed all in it's path. It shattered the people around her, and showed what they truly were beneath. She drew her blade up, stepping to the side. The sounds of gunfire all around her. Everyone was fighting their hardest, most of them not even from the same timelines.

But they were all friends, all compatriots in this war. She was broken, and tattered on the inside from recent trials, and this war was much harder on her then she thought it would be. She turned to call out to one of her companions, watching as the woman turned to dust. She watched her friend fade into the wind wrapping around the field. A stab raced through her, fear pounding in her breast as she cried out. Lashing out at one of the creatures and ducking down. She had seen her friends fall to lesser injuries, why was she taking injuries and not dying?

When I thought that I fought this war alone
You were there by my side on the frontline
And we fought to believe the impossible
When I thought that I fought this war alone
We were one with our destinies entwined
When I thought that I fought without a cause
You gave me the reason why

Her back brushed up against someone. She whirled around, her blade meeting another blade. Her eyes lifted as she heard a deep chuckle. A soft laugh left her. He was here now, with his eyes watching her own. She reached up to pressed her fingertips to his cheek. He was smeared in blood as well. He had taken injuries as well, and had not fallen. What made them capable of surviving these creatures. She shook her head a little, and let her hand drop. He caught it as she dropped it, his lips pressing to her palm.

"We fight together, we can survive. We've already been through so much."

His words filled her mind as she pulled her hand back, just in time to whirl on one of the creatures and slice into it's side. Blood splattered her, as she jumped back. Her back brushing his, wings grazing his. She felt the beat of her heart increase, an ache in her chest. They would make it through this fight, they had to! They may lose friends, and they may be damaged from it in the end, but they would make it through, they had to!

With no-one wearing their real face
It's a whiteout of emotion
And I've only got my brittle bones to break the fall

When the love in letters fade
It's like moving in slow motion
And we're already too late if we arrive at all

She turned on another of the creatures, she watched it change into one of her companions. Her eyes widened as she jumped back, watching one of her male friends approach her. She KNEW that it wasn't him, it couldn't be him. She had seen him fall earlier. "How dare you!" She screamed, a small sob leaving her. The tears had started, and she couldn't hold them back. She focused her mind and jumped in the direction of the enemy. Her blade sang a whistling tune as she swung it towards the creatures head.

It was a clean cut, and her robes were splattered, she felt the rage rise as she started to hack into the creature. It may be dead, but she needed to take this out. Her blade swung again, and this time she was splattered with the innards that were within the male creature. A sob left her as she yanked back, only to feel the aching pain of something hot slicing into her wings. She cried out, and fell forward, stunned by the pain. Her head turned to see the man she loved entering into her part of the battlefield.

The creatures descended as she watched, her breath rushed from her as she screamed. She watched as his head jerked up, he heard her scream and took it as the warning as it was. She struggled to stand, struggled to make it over to him. She was struggling to fight, she wanted to get beside him, to help him. But as she just barely managed to get up, they destroyed him. Ripping him to pieces as she watched, his hand extended towards her.

It was a white-out in her mind, the scream leaving her as she felt her mind break. The pain was too much, that connection between them had been strong. She felt his pain, as she was sure he felt hers. With him gone now, it was like that was snapped, that comfort of his mind within her own was gone. Her eyes hardened, then narrowed as she ran towards the group of creatures.

Everyone else was falling, why was she only one left? She fought the creatures, her body aching. Each swing felt like her wings and arms were made out of lead. Her tears fell freely, and her heart screamed.

And then we're caught up in the arms race
An involuntary addiction
And we're shedding every value our mothers taught

So will you please show me your real face
Draw the line in the horizon
Cos I only need your name to call the reasons why I fought



Her eyes opened then, as she drew herself back to the end of the battlefield. It was over now, and she was the last one standing. "-----" She whispered his name gently, as her eyes closed. There was nothing left in this world, everyone that had mattered lay broken around her. As she watched their bodies faded into dust and swirled up in a spiral of wind. The spiral whipped around for a few moments, and then fell apart. The dust scattering all over the dead and broken field.

She watched as this happened, realized they were all gone for good. The people she loved were why she kept going, why she struggled to live in this world. With them gone there was nothing left. "Regret nothing..." She murmured as she picked up her sword. Her hands grasping the hilt. It was covered in so much blood, but she didn't care. The reason to live was gone, there was no world to be in. There was no one left alive. Everyone was dead, and she was the last. It would be a lonely existence.

If she had made the choice to continue on her own. Her hands grasping the hilt of her blade, and she closed her eyes as she made the choice. Fully extending her arms, she put the tip between her breasts. She jerked her arms in towards her. The kiss of the metal sinking into her skin, felt like a lovers kiss. A caress of smooth sweetness that took away the pain. The kiss of the blade, as it slid into her body and came out the other side.

She felt the warmth of her own blood soaking into her garments. The warmth of something bubbled in her throat as she coughed. Trickling and dripping on to the ground as she fell. This was the end of it all.

When I thought that I fought this war alone...