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- Jan 26, 2010
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- Thread starter Vertaige
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SO just because I have a good day, doesn't mean I should get calllous and careless...I need to remember my friends were there and still are here when things go to shit so when I get something good, I shouldn't act like they are expendable...I'm sorry that I hurt them, and I'm sorry that I let my own fathead get the best of me...That being said yesterday I get a second interview for a job and got some legos and got relive a bit of that childhood that I never had. Space cops vs Ninjas was a rousing success. Also today I woke up to snowfall. SO besidese me being a tremendous dickbag yesterday, I think things are coming up Vert
Ok busy busy busy...not only are the police watching my house(by extension of my landlord) I am currently dealing with a boatload of issues I hadn't seen coming... Mostly in regards to the podcast and the fact that Skype is dropping alot of infrastructure that made the podcast possible. SO far no new recording software exists because SKype has yet to release the new build...So Im scrambling now to find an alternative...And the hosting site is reviewing our show for "objectionable content" which knowing our crew...might get interesting... And the landlord has issues with theft so the cops are pulling a stakeout...fun.
There it is again...that sa of darkness. I hate it, I want to kill it. Dumb as it is I want to kill it, that stupid sea...It reaches out with those thick tendril, meant to get under your skin, meant to suffocate you while it drags you under. Choking the life and every bit of light it can get out of you. The waves slam into you, taking your breath away and you feel the rage bubble up ready to strike back but your now so deep everything is dark. The pressure builds, crushing whats left as your mind reels. Its unfair, why do you have to deal with this? Why should I?! I never asked for any of this. I hate myself so much that I'll sabatoge anything good in my life. I'm so fucking adept I can do it without thinking...its second nature. Self loathing and hate swim in it like sharks, gnashing and bitting, stripping away chunks of nay self worth or esteem I have.
Fuck it...I hate everything again...
Then it all turns red, burning my spine and I want to lash out, anger and rage the only things I have. Destruction is all I do...
Its a burst though slowly fading into blue, where I accept my place. At the bottom of the ocean, alone,m cold and finally away from everyone I can hurt. Its better here. Nice and cold, just lay down and fade away...Thats how it feels...And i hate every moment.
Fuck it...I hate everything again...
Then it all turns red, burning my spine and I want to lash out, anger and rage the only things I have. Destruction is all I do...
Its a burst though slowly fading into blue, where I accept my place. At the bottom of the ocean, alone,m cold and finally away from everyone I can hurt. Its better here. Nice and cold, just lay down and fade away...Thats how it feels...And i hate every moment.
It's been a very long time since I've written anything plain. I've always hid behind a big vocabulary or metaphors...I guess there is never a time to not start. If that makes any sense. It has also been a very long time since I've reached my limit. IN fact it's been over two years now...nice record. But if you push others, they will push back. Some harder than others. I know its not by any means mentally healthy for me to shut down in response to alot of negative things, mainly emotional stress and hurt, but that's how I grew up. Deny it, go somewhere else in your mind. Just run away and don't let it in. Well turns out it hurts worse if you run. Maybe that's karma. Afterall I I've done more than my fair share if hurting. My friends called me Hurricane Kowalchick, Id walk in, fuck up everything then leave.
I've done it to alot of good people. People who deserve someone better. I've hurt people who showed me a kindness, who toke me in, and even those I considered family. And it hurts. It hurts more than I ever imagined.
I can't type this and not feel my own guts ripped apart with my own harsh words, my own thoughtless action, and my own damend pride. And as I type this I remember every action, every word I've turned and used against my friends. Every lie and stupid attempt at manipulation. I remeber and it makes me feel a shame deeper than any other. This sounds like lip service and some may even write it off as me looking for attention. Maybe it is, but I'm not writing this for anyone but me. I'm not doing this as a grand gesture or something else. I'm doing this because putting all this down, letting it out, is better than holding on to this poison. Its better than letting this fester and sit in my mind. Making me feel like my life and happiness don't matter, That I am somehow lesser than anyone else. And I'm doing this so when I see those words again, when I hear them, and when god forbid I hurt someone else, that I can fucking look at my sins, look at my fucking disgusting selfishness and lsiten to my father. That I can supress that lazy selfishness and do something right by him and my mother.
I've said my part now, and I gues since I'm opening wounds maybe it's time I share something that isn't so dark. I've made mistakes...alot. So now I'm going to have to change, maybe even look at who I a really am. Not so much self reinvention but maybe a bit of some mild tweaks to behaviors. This seems actually very self indulgent but then again it's my journal. I am writing stream as well. Funny thing though, when I'm here laying in front of the laptop, my ideas and thoughts float away, just lost in space. While at work and whenever I'm doing anything else, they flood back in. Just something I think is strange. I wonder if anyone else has the same problem or is it just me? Oh well, its not all that important. Should I even keep this? It's nothing after all that. I mean it's my thoughts but they arent anything useful, just me talking to myself about well my thoughts. I should though. Its a journal, its not meant for publicity or anyting other than a recepticle of my own mind. Kind of a primitive AI...I do enjoy that, that somewhere theres a litte dias and a green avatar with my personality being a bit ignorant to a space captain. I'd be the worst all dry and sarcastic, Like Broom but way more over the top. Like HAL but more smug. And Now I want to fucking be in space. Damn why has science not yet made AI like Cortana?(Halo:CE) I'd kill for a digital assistant , and Siri doesnt count. She calls me Capatin Kowalchick but its not the same as the real thing. Its like Splenda and Sugar. One's awesome the other is just a sad, sad mockery of the other.
I'd even have her adress me as Capt. Kowalchick as well. THat's a power trip worth having because I think of it like starship capatin. Not boat Captain...boats are kinda cool, but don't have that sexy vener and shine of a galaxy hopping star frigate...God I want one as well. She'd be the Albatross, my ship and home...I swear I have the most childish fantasies. Spaceship Captain, Riding a T-rex, visiting Jaurassic Park, Having a secret hi-tech batcave/lair...and of course the one I'm really embaressed about... But that one is safe in my mind...or saafee...hehehe. Also who the fuck reads this. I sound crazy(awesome). I mean I get you want to know about people. But I've been doing like the two things that are like polar opposites. Try to be better and admit my problems, then fucking talk about my kidult fantasies...by the way Kidult is way better than manchild...sounds way funnier. And here I am smiling and laughing, feeling better like some mystical magicv cure for some...very dark and depressing thoughts. I mean I'd be lying if I hadn't thought about well suicidal thoughts but those were more just lying down and vanishing into dust not the stab yourself kind. But as I said I'm laughing at myself. Having a fun time writing this, for somebody who'll just wander in and be like WTF? Or ya know certain people who creep and will either scold/laugh/hit me. Maybe all three? And if Candi sees this...Fuck she's gonna like throw me in a box and yell at me for having bad thoughts...Ya know that's why I should be better. Not because "its whats right" or that other garbage. Because the peopl who care, really fucking care. They'll be mad, they'll want to step back. But they'll be here, by my side telling me off but hugging me at the same time. And despite EVERYTHING, they're still here...Even Happy...Its something else. like that pain subsides and you get a little taste of something good. Like a spoonful of warm cider when you come in from the snow and the fire is right there, roaring and crackling. Man this is a long entry, but I'm not gonna stop. I'm having just as much fun as Karoke night at McGlyns.
Its hard to believe I'm almost 22...where did my life go? I mean its cool and all but what the hell. This year was really awesome but it also had some rough patches...and shit I have Christmas and P's Birthday and shit Mom's as well...FUUUUCCK where does it go? I hope I don't wake up married with kids(not that I wouldnt mind but ya know...that's alot) Just man swiftly fly by the years was right...Ugh...Also I'm pretty sure Thanksgiving is just, eat sleep and pretend not to die from Turkey overdose...What the fuck I sound like some teenage GIRL!!! I should be like blah blah trucks, mountain dew, COD, XBONE...not ABC Family shitty TV show about some teenage girl...Then again I'm not exactly hetrosexual white male...I'm Vert, Hispanic nerd who loves Women and dudes who look like women...Yeah. Fuck I cant stop smiling at my own jackasssery...if thats a word...fuck it I just made it a word.
Jackassery
V. English
To act like a jackass for the fun of it/also maybe to entertain others.
Yes. Life complete, I can die happy now that my legacy is secured, Good night everbody!
Ok but maybe I should go. Its early and those leaves aint gonna rake themsleves. That's right DA/Happy I said Aint. Its a word, bring it. Anyway...later i guess
I've done it to alot of good people. People who deserve someone better. I've hurt people who showed me a kindness, who toke me in, and even those I considered family. And it hurts. It hurts more than I ever imagined.
I can't type this and not feel my own guts ripped apart with my own harsh words, my own thoughtless action, and my own damend pride. And as I type this I remember every action, every word I've turned and used against my friends. Every lie and stupid attempt at manipulation. I remeber and it makes me feel a shame deeper than any other. This sounds like lip service and some may even write it off as me looking for attention. Maybe it is, but I'm not writing this for anyone but me. I'm not doing this as a grand gesture or something else. I'm doing this because putting all this down, letting it out, is better than holding on to this poison. Its better than letting this fester and sit in my mind. Making me feel like my life and happiness don't matter, That I am somehow lesser than anyone else. And I'm doing this so when I see those words again, when I hear them, and when god forbid I hurt someone else, that I can fucking look at my sins, look at my fucking disgusting selfishness and lsiten to my father. That I can supress that lazy selfishness and do something right by him and my mother.
I've said my part now, and I gues since I'm opening wounds maybe it's time I share something that isn't so dark. I've made mistakes...alot. So now I'm going to have to change, maybe even look at who I a really am. Not so much self reinvention but maybe a bit of some mild tweaks to behaviors. This seems actually very self indulgent but then again it's my journal. I am writing stream as well. Funny thing though, when I'm here laying in front of the laptop, my ideas and thoughts float away, just lost in space. While at work and whenever I'm doing anything else, they flood back in. Just something I think is strange. I wonder if anyone else has the same problem or is it just me? Oh well, its not all that important. Should I even keep this? It's nothing after all that. I mean it's my thoughts but they arent anything useful, just me talking to myself about well my thoughts. I should though. Its a journal, its not meant for publicity or anyting other than a recepticle of my own mind. Kind of a primitive AI...I do enjoy that, that somewhere theres a litte dias and a green avatar with my personality being a bit ignorant to a space captain. I'd be the worst all dry and sarcastic, Like Broom but way more over the top. Like HAL but more smug. And Now I want to fucking be in space. Damn why has science not yet made AI like Cortana?(Halo:CE) I'd kill for a digital assistant , and Siri doesnt count. She calls me Capatin Kowalchick but its not the same as the real thing. Its like Splenda and Sugar. One's awesome the other is just a sad, sad mockery of the other.
I'd even have her adress me as Capt. Kowalchick as well. THat's a power trip worth having because I think of it like starship capatin. Not boat Captain...boats are kinda cool, but don't have that sexy vener and shine of a galaxy hopping star frigate...God I want one as well. She'd be the Albatross, my ship and home...I swear I have the most childish fantasies. Spaceship Captain, Riding a T-rex, visiting Jaurassic Park, Having a secret hi-tech batcave/lair...and of course the one I'm really embaressed about... But that one is safe in my mind...or saafee...hehehe. Also who the fuck reads this. I sound crazy(awesome). I mean I get you want to know about people. But I've been doing like the two things that are like polar opposites. Try to be better and admit my problems, then fucking talk about my kidult fantasies...by the way Kidult is way better than manchild...sounds way funnier. And here I am smiling and laughing, feeling better like some mystical magicv cure for some...very dark and depressing thoughts. I mean I'd be lying if I hadn't thought about well suicidal thoughts but those were more just lying down and vanishing into dust not the stab yourself kind. But as I said I'm laughing at myself. Having a fun time writing this, for somebody who'll just wander in and be like WTF? Or ya know certain people who creep and will either scold/laugh/hit me. Maybe all three? And if Candi sees this...Fuck she's gonna like throw me in a box and yell at me for having bad thoughts...Ya know that's why I should be better. Not because "its whats right" or that other garbage. Because the peopl who care, really fucking care. They'll be mad, they'll want to step back. But they'll be here, by my side telling me off but hugging me at the same time. And despite EVERYTHING, they're still here...Even Happy...Its something else. like that pain subsides and you get a little taste of something good. Like a spoonful of warm cider when you come in from the snow and the fire is right there, roaring and crackling. Man this is a long entry, but I'm not gonna stop. I'm having just as much fun as Karoke night at McGlyns.
Its hard to believe I'm almost 22...where did my life go? I mean its cool and all but what the hell. This year was really awesome but it also had some rough patches...and shit I have Christmas and P's Birthday and shit Mom's as well...FUUUUCCK where does it go? I hope I don't wake up married with kids(not that I wouldnt mind but ya know...that's alot) Just man swiftly fly by the years was right...Ugh...Also I'm pretty sure Thanksgiving is just, eat sleep and pretend not to die from Turkey overdose...What the fuck I sound like some teenage GIRL!!! I should be like blah blah trucks, mountain dew, COD, XBONE...not ABC Family shitty TV show about some teenage girl...Then again I'm not exactly hetrosexual white male...I'm Vert, Hispanic nerd who loves Women and dudes who look like women...Yeah. Fuck I cant stop smiling at my own jackasssery...if thats a word...fuck it I just made it a word.
Jackassery
V. English
To act like a jackass for the fun of it/also maybe to entertain others.
Yes. Life complete, I can die happy now that my legacy is secured, Good night everbody!
Ok but maybe I should go. Its early and those leaves aint gonna rake themsleves. That's right DA/Happy I said Aint. Its a word, bring it. Anyway...later i guess
I have to write today. Because I have to get better at not just writing but because it makes it less hard to feel all those feelings. If that even makes sense. If this was something that I bury or never let anyone see, I'd probably yell(well write very hard) and just scream. I mean if you let it all out, its kinda gone, right? I guess. I hate time and I hate waiting. Both really really suck. I hate having to wait because I fuck up. Its like being 16 again. I realize its not up to me and people have thier triggers and buttons. But when I have to wait it makes me feel like people arent coming back, that I've pushed them away to the point that we're no longer friends. Is that the case now? I have no clue. Part of me is saying just relax, move on. That this is just turbulance. Another is just fear and panic, wound up tightly telling me to run, to freak the fuck out. I know my firends would say listen to the first one. Still doesnt help, theres that bundle of nerves in my gut, jostled and prodded everytime I think or see something related to my mistakes.
I'll have to make sure any decisions and any actions I take aren't made with desperation or without any thought. It always been trouble, try to react immediatly and never think, just fix it. This time the only way to fix it is to think, to sit and and really reflect. I hate it more than anything. Its because I never asociated anything with my actions. There really wasnt any intention for alot of my actions. If there were they'd be selfish or only to get what I wanted. So having to sit back and try to come up with why I would do things, essentially who I "am", it makes me confused. I can go off what was said to me, but that's not really a good idea. The only thing that i keep coming to is what do I like, why do I like certian people, and just what do other poeple want. Not exactly a fountain of self relization but its a start I guess.
Not sure about alot. I am sure I miss my friends and I don't want to go back to pretending I'm better off alone. I know that.
I'll have to make sure any decisions and any actions I take aren't made with desperation or without any thought. It always been trouble, try to react immediatly and never think, just fix it. This time the only way to fix it is to think, to sit and and really reflect. I hate it more than anything. Its because I never asociated anything with my actions. There really wasnt any intention for alot of my actions. If there were they'd be selfish or only to get what I wanted. So having to sit back and try to come up with why I would do things, essentially who I "am", it makes me confused. I can go off what was said to me, but that's not really a good idea. The only thing that i keep coming to is what do I like, why do I like certian people, and just what do other poeple want. Not exactly a fountain of self relization but its a start I guess.
Not sure about alot. I am sure I miss my friends and I don't want to go back to pretending I'm better off alone. I know that.
Stopped writing, started drinking...hangover is an excellent teacher. Anyway just siting here waiting for work t start. I go in for trainng monday and we open on the 16th. Might be able to get present s fr everyone with my first check YaY! Also I turn 22 on the 27th. Nt real sure I'm looking forward to that. And I fucked up...but the only thing I can do is just move on. After all its not like it the end of the world...if it was I'd loot so hard! But seroiusly, maybe I should take a break from the site...I mean it's not like it can make things worse than I did. If anything it might make things better and help me . I don't know. I'll have to think about it. Work is starting and if I can just focus on that I'd know I'd make more money...even so I have a few days before that. The real question is can I stick to my decision? I shouldnt just fold after a few days or try and lie to myself. Oh well I'm sure I'll figure it out, I always do.
Its been awhile hasn't it? It's pretty clear why I left. Now I'm back. I don't think you could say I was a decent guy. I made people hate me, alot of good people. I'm not sure if anyone wil read this. This is more for me now. It's good to have a place I can just let it out because I didn't want to hold on to things anymore. You can't run from your mistakes. You can't lie to yourself just as you can't stop the sun from rising. I've done stupid things. I've pushed people away. I'd be an idiot to say that'll stop entirely. I've lied to alot of people. Not just people here. If anything comes from this entry, it should be a few simple things.
I can't just dissapear anymore. Running away only makes it so much harder to admit that I wasn't just wrong, I was stupid and selfish. Honestly I'm starting to get get carried away here. So I guess I'll be here until I don't see a reason to be.
I can't just dissapear anymore. Running away only makes it so much harder to admit that I wasn't just wrong, I was stupid and selfish. Honestly I'm starting to get get carried away here. So I guess I'll be here until I don't see a reason to be.