Are we recording?

Figured since I have spare time and love to type, might as well try this... Anyway so I started my Podcast and now half the crew has bailed...I hate that, I spend 20 bucks a month to get an RSS feed so I can do the show and they just walk away. Anyway I also just saw Wreck it Ralph. Damn good movie and picked up the soundtrack posthaste. Once again I enjoy not only the songs but the score is like revisiting one of the arcades I frequented(and blew my allowence on) as a child back on base.

Its nice to have a film retouch why I not only love videogames but why sometimes villians aren't always the bad guys. Its funny to see a movie not only portray videogames in a good way but to do so fondly as if the director himself remembers the thrill of the arcade, the humming machines and flashing lights begging for your quarters. Cameos are awesome and I love the whole crossover idea as well.

Enough of me babbeling...Catch ya'll tommorow.

Lately I've been withdrawing myself, cloistered away from my friends and family. I don't know if this is a natural cycle or if I'm just becoming more moody as the seasons change. Either way I feel a bit stuck in life and am getting tired of it. I want to explore something new, break free from the sameness I have and just fall down into some rabbit hole and emerge someone else. Granted its just wanderlust at this moment and it might change but for now I yearn to find the uncharted and blaze a trail into it. Anyway I guess I'm gonna try to use this site more often as a hub for my self. not exactly groundbreaking but its better than nothing. Funny thing is, I don't know if anyone reads this. I actually try not to read anyone else's because i think its almost like snooping! I know that's so dumb but I treat this like a safe place to write so why not let others have their vents in peace? but then again the whole friendship thing gets tangled in and God knows i am clueless with that whole scene. Also considering i have only a handful i'm not entirely sure i have the best idea what friends are supposed to do. And i Really Really hope certain Kats don't read this otherwise I might get scolded... Anyway Ill type more tommorow

Does any of it really go away? I mean it seems like that hurt and the betrayal leave but the splinters in your heart just sit waiting for someone or something to come by and jostle them, making them dig deep in just piercing you until it bleeds. Then you try to stop that damn flood, the tide of emotions that leaves you vulnerable. Makes you feel weak, pathetic, alone...I hate this and i never tell anyone, I just bottle it away hoping some day i can just let it out, to finally act on all the rage and heartbreak and sadness I've been holding onto.

I'm an idiot really, I'm not a good person, I just act like one. I hate that I'm so goddamned starved for affection i Take what i can get and feel grateful! Grateful that someone treats me like a person... I don't understand where all my feelings stem from. Last night i had a dream about a girl from home. She had said she had really liked me and that was why she put up with me but I had never acted on it so I missed out.

I'm just this thing, I don't even feel like a person anymore. That I exist so others can use me. How is it possible that when your always smiling and making others laugh, your the one with the knife in your gut? Its just, I never wanted to hurt and feel like this again. Not after Bennet. Not after I felt something inside my heart and mind just wither and die. I think its stupid too. I'm so scared everyone will judge me because I have feelings, that I'll be mocked or shunned just because I try to feel like a human. Then theirs this moment after I'm done, when I've spilled my guts, that i feel hollow like all that stuff I've kept was what made me whole... Even if I'm stuck like this forever it feels so damn good to finally just let it out, even if its to strangers...I'll write more later. Thanks.

Work. Work. Working at work. I never figured I'd ever be this busy! Its nice though you just find your rhythm, lose yourself and time just flies... sometimes too quick. Anyway I'll write more tonight.

The journal I have kept here so far has been a place for me to vent, a place where I can safely express my feelings without judgement. A smart man would suggest I write this down for noone to see.... It would be wiser, but foir some reason letting others know makes my life easier. Almost nicer. To say I dont't know where to begin is an understatement. First I have so much to write it is staggering. I have been putting it off.

Be right back, moving out and trying to get my damn internet up and running.... I hate Verizon and Comcast.

SO finally moved out. Boring and lonely but worth it... Also been dealing with some very disturbing personal issues. I don't really understand or even feel comfortable with how things are now but suffice to say I'm learning more about my own desires and they really do bother me considering my past and my own issues with events. However that said this is the second month I've been hurt by my job, This time I cut myself pretty badly on some ice that had been left to freeze overnight. Even with everything I still draw strength from a few friends who really help me stay sane and also a very noce amount of whiskey. I realize this might sound like the beginning of alcoholism but I doubt it. A shot every week sounds more like a habit but it helps sleep and definitely keeps alot of the previous darker thoughts at bay. Hopefully soon after a few more sessions with my therapist I can start moving on or at least getting a better grip on guilt. But at the moment I'm sitting here with a glass of cola and some peanuts and I'm ok.

So here i am...I'm free. Finally after 20 years I'm on my own, my own home, everything mine...SO then why does it feel like I hit a wall? Am i done? is this really all I wanted. Sleeping until 4 am? Then work followed by more work later? I don't know what I was expecting. I mean I know life ain't exactly a movie but still, I feel like I stopped moving forward. Which bothers the ever loving fuck outta me...

Even with all this a lot of stuff is coming full circle. The girl who broke me, like litterally broke me, is starting to ask about me. I'm glad she's gone and miserable...and I hope she stays that way.

I look up everynight now. Wanting to just float into space...I laugh at the thought myself but, looking out, its just so damn big. Were just so small and I want to see more. I want to see everything...

Despite all this angtsy teen stuff. I find moments of something like unbridled joy. A sliver of something I want so damn bad it hurts my chest. Its during the moment when I wake up and right there I see out my window and the sunlight filters through the trees. I hear birds and the wind...And I feel if someone is there laying on my chest peaceful just enjoying my heartbeat. Damn its like nothing else, just makes me so goddamn happy I can't get it across. Damn. Smiling like a damn idiot. Well here's hoping my new phone comes in. Lord knows my friends haven't heard from me and are now not annoyed and miss me XD

SO I'm doing my podcast here now...and I'm happy i think. Not entirely sure why I'm all down again but some music helps. Just alot of my problems went and solved themselves when I wasn't looking.

So tired but worth it. WOrking extra hard for my own reasons and have my first skirmish on Saturday... nervous but been training like mad. SO lets see if me and my team can handle some professionals.
I've been doing massive overhauls on almost all audio software and recording equipment and it has been kinda cathartic in an odd way, just doing some calibrations XD! Garrus-ness aside I've been focusing on some key factors to improve in, memory, physical fitness, and marksmanship...

SO now i am fucking furious, beyond angry, so pissed I fucking want to trash my goddamn house. I took the entire day off for my friends birthday, because him and a bunch of our friends were gonna go to an airsoft field. Instead of calling and making sure I was coming like i asked a fucking millions times he just leaves without me. On top of that when he does remember I gave up my entire day he texts me if i want to go bowling...because ya know thats cool.
I'm just so fucking angry it makes me physically sick, because I have been looking forward to this for months and he just up and says he fuck Guy its not like he came over last night got me a nice bottle of alcohol than asked me to call so I'd be up because I FUCKING WORKED FROM 4-9 FUCKING Am BUT WANTED TO GO SO FUCKING BAD HE REFUSED A GODDAMN WHOLE DAY OF WORK!!!!!!!!!!!

So I've always wrote how I've felt...but that's not really an option anymore. not because I can't feel or anything. its just because I don't know how to feel. Everyone around me is doing thier own stuff and I'm here confused...Stupid emotions. Be better if I had robot parts so I could just shut down the annoying things. Anyway things other than that are getting better and worse. Damn wish I had things better figured out. Like how you build a ship in abottle but instead of a bottle I made mine in a shoebox. Confusing right? Well thats how I feel. Besides that I'm doing ok...I guess.

So sitting here ROCKING THE FUCK OUT to Halestorm my newest and shiniest crush on a sexy female lead singer. The band is fucking punk and the singer has that sexy husky voice that guves me those music shivers. Seroiusly check these guys out! I cannot express how much they make my job so much more kickass.

Anyways were gonna be off haitus on the podcast next week. Currently working on a piece where me an DA discus LOTR lore pretty in depth and share some laughs. I'm super into Pokemon X as well. Been a crazy month but its almost over. You'd think things would get easier after finding a good job...nope just keeps getting harder and more strange. If i had told myself ten years ago I'd have half the stuff going on as I do now...well i'd say i was insane. Well more insane.

So dealing with some non site stuff that has been heavy on my mind and makes me wonder if doing certian things are for others or just for me and even if they aren't are they the best decisions? I hope as hell so.

After everything happening with "personal drama" and other "drama" its nice to have a few mintues to relax and just reflect, but better not take too long or my stupid Firefly halloween costume might not get done in time. But that's only a small fix...where to find some brown suspenders? Well I'm glad things are ok at the moment. Hopefulkly it stays gravy for a time. Not sure I'd be to good at more stress, god knows its showing now. Also DA=freindliest of freinds now, she might have even beaten [Redacted] as best freind...hope [Redacted] doesnt read this!

So...where do I begin? We'll let's start with whats fresh. Venom...perhaps one of my biggest influences ever. I mean the character has been an Idol, Icon, Rolemodel and at times a substitute for my father...Afterall I grew up thinking my dad was Venom. Anyway, so today (or yesterday technically) I got the last Issue of Venom. It had been a monthly comic book and would always make my month. However recently its been cancelled so that Marvel can rework the entire Spiderman Universe. SO to say I am disheartened is an understatement. The new Venom had Eddie Brock gone and replaced with Flash Thompson. Remember that guy who bullied Peter Parker in the spider man movie? Yeah that guy. He goes to Afghanistan and loses his legs and becomes Peters freind...then gets signed up as Agent Venom. From there we go on a journey with him as he battles his own alcholism and issues with his father...As someone who has a hard time relating with my dad, well I identified with him. This series meant alot to me on a very personal level and seeing the characters evolve as they did, it made me excited for every issue. Hell the reason I got into comics was because of this book.

Many fans are upset as am I. I know its "just a comic book" but everyone has there one thing they love irrationally, mines just an alien who eats brains. After everything said and done the series ends with something that touches my heart in a way I never considered...It brings forth some ideas about fatherhood...that made me think hard about my dad and wonder if our relationship can get better...

Venom has means alot to me in the way kids always have thier favorite superhero. He's been something I can always look at and try to imitate to be a better person. I know this isn't what I usually type but i felt like this had to be written. Afterall what if I have a son one day? What if he asks why does his old man love Venom so much?

*hugs you*

Been busy as hell, sadly have to delay a big surprise but I figure it'll be worth it. Also recording tonight...damn so busy when did my life get interesting? Certainly not when I wanted it too... ANyway making some dinner than working on some old projects and finally doing some laundry...CLothes Mountain may be a landmark but it has to go.

Just be sure to get some rest and take care of yourself.

OK! Wake Up Blue Moon is now official and it will be airing every monday at 12 PM EST whilst Moonlighting will be around at the poll results day! So big week ALL HALLOWS EVE...*whispers heard* wait they call it what now? *whispers* That's...ok. So your saying I'm a hundred years late? *whispers* THEN WHAT THE FUCK HAVE YOU BEEN DOING? *whispers* FUCK OFF! I DID NOT HIRE YOU TO PRANCE AROUND IN A SLUTTY BUNNY GIRL OUTFIT, YOU ARE MY SECRETARY AND HEY STOP X///X DON"T TOUCH ME THERE!!! FUCK!!!! OK OK...the outfit can stay @~@" ok well I gotta go...

ugh everything is all in a jumble...so the thing that comes to mind is a captain of a ship. The ships going down and all he can really do is watch the sea swallow his home. I can't even get a good analogy out...just being human is hard...harder than anyone tells you. ANd the whole problem is theres no one to really rely on for advice...It just bothers me that theres never any real path to follow, its just a forest you stumbe around in until we all get to the other side. Maybe it gets easier but for me I'm just trying to get out.

I don't reallly know if writing this helps but it makes me feel like I've done something...afterall I'm still in the harbor, watching the calm before the real storm.

I find it helps to write things out a lot of the times even if no one else understands it or even cares.... you write it for you if you have to. It can be cathartic and sometimes later on it can even give you some insight. And sometimes, you can even be surprised that others are actually listening too. *hugs*

You wanna know whats awesome? When you get new meds that make your stupid penis get all kindas aroused at nothing but your mind is like, "Dude chill we're busy. Also stop trying to do all the thinking that's my job." and then your stupid penis still fucking goes off at the littlest thing and your pretty much chemically castrated...sad part is I kinda prefer being disinterested in sex.XD I get waaaay more done and I can finally do all the boner killing fun stuff like medical research and writing about profiling...
Well maybe pretend to do that stuff whilst I read my comic book collection cover to cover. And also play a shit ton of Pokemon. But for real its kinda dumb that my medication fucking spikes your libido and you have to take the mood stabilizer lest you become Dexter(the show about the pychopath not the kid with the lab...also yes this is a seroius concern with the meds I;'m taking...)
After all therapy only gets you so far and the meds do help...just gotta be careful. But back to my original proble, high libido is bad libido.

Anyways barring that things are going good. Would kill for some skim milk at the moment but I'll live with water. Moonlighting comes back tommorw as well as Wake Up Blue Moon ^-^" sooooo much work. Who knew being something other than a goofball would require actual effort. Anyways gotta get everything prepped and also need to adjust a few programs...Skype is phasing out the desktop model for a mobile one wich means the shows recording software will have to be replaced and as the new version is not out no one has devoloped any new software T^T.
SO we haves a situaition in wich I can do nothing until we get the new version, but by then I won't be able to record the show until something is developed...Skype you bitch!

Finally Firefly boardgame...FUCKING EPIC. ALso got a promo ship and the expnsion is out this month Cant fucking wait. The game is gonna get bigger get more ships and crew and captains. ALso those clever motherfuckers will be expanding the board as well with each expansion. afakfkafka WHAT THE FUCK!!! GIVE ALL MY MONEY!!!

But seroiusly if you can get this game, especially if your a browncoat! If not its still fun. I've been getting more and more into tabletop thanks to Nihls and Broom...Don't tell them though, theyd get all kinds of snarky and smug.
Welp I guess thats it for this edition of Are We Recording, Vert out!!!!

So really good day. I mean like stupid good. Anyway if the person responisbile reads this, thanks for everything, you're the best. And also shout out to DA...for just fucking with me. Cause thats what I expect from my best friend...XD

>////////////////////////////////////////////////<

Things are hard...life can be hard. If its only fair to try and slip the bonds of despair maybe those who seek it can find rapture. The chains of servitude weighed heavy on me once before, locking me in a cage. Now I find that those same chains have shifted to ribbons and all I wish now is to seek the hallow I once called home...
Funny how things can shift so much over the sands of time. I sit here now looking back over my choices...wondering how much do I know and how much do I just stumble upon...
Oh well things will work out eventually even if they might not go the way I want...I just have to wait, then see.

Got fired today...they wouldnt even say why. I got my bosses email as well, like the one he sent to HR, it says no cause.... So don't have much to say and I'm not even bummed. Just tired and I realize this is utter bullshit...Oh well I'll bounce back. I always do