Enter the Wolves Den- AlphaWolfQuin's Journal and Random Rants

RE: Falling Inside The Black- Snake Plissken's Journal

Well back home now but it honestly doesn't feel like home anymore I realized I really fucking hate this place now that a certain someone isn't here. I walked in and nearly broke down just standing in the damn doorway I hate feeling like this I really do. Pretty soon I have to make a decision and it's a hard one because no matter what I choose to do I will be hurting someone it's almost guaranteed and I don't like hurting people I try to make everyone happy it's just who I am but I guess it really comes down to what I truly believe is best for me and my son. I know I can't please everyone now, no one can no matter how hard they try it's just impossible and I've learned that trying to please everyone else has only gotten me more depressed and upset because I'm always too caught up with how everyone else feels or what they think that I stopped thinking about me and what would make me happy and honestly I lost myself for a while. Right now everything is just sooooo fucking hard and I just wish things could get a little easier and if I do what I'm leaning towards doing things would be a LOT easier but a LOT of people would be upset and probably make me feel like a piece of shit for it even if it would be better for me and my son. No one can ever just accept the fact that things change sometimes and people need to do certain things to help themselves out I don't know how many times I was talked to like I was a piece of shit because I ended up stranded somewhere and couldn't get back and I had people laying guilt trips on me for something I had no control over it sucks this past week has been hell for me and it's bound to get worse I just know it is.

RE: Falling Inside The Black- Snake Plissken's Journal

*gives hugs*

The only one who can truly help you is you. And sometimes that means making difficult decisions and sometimes those decisions don't please people for this reason or that reason. When people take a moment to truly take that step back and look outside their own selfish desires, they'll see that they are indeed being selfish and that you aren't trying to hurt them... that you are trying to do what's best for you and your son given a very specific situation... there's nothing more you can do. You are human and you are trying to look after a little one. Whenever a child comes into play, factors change in so many ways it's crazy and people ultimately should know that. They might not always see it right away or want to... but if they truly love and care about you... they will. They don't have to like it, but they'll come to understand and see the reasoning behind the choices and decisions and with that will come the acceptance and support.

No doubt I'm probably saying things that are probably already common knowledge. But sometimes it's nice to hear it said out loud by another person. Hopefully it helps to hear that, to know that someone is in your corner regardless and hoping for the best no matter what. And also hoping that when the decisions are final, that things do indeed become easier and the help you need and whatever it is you need to do are there and available, etc. for you because you deserve that. Good people always do.

*more hugs your way*
And, as always, my PM-box is always open just like it always has been.

RE: Falling Inside The Black- Snake Plissken's Journal

Thanks DA you always know exactly what to say to make me feel better when I'm down and that's one of the main reasons I absolutely love talking to you. Thanks for being a friend even if it's online you're a damn good friend hell you're a better friend then most of the people I know in RL. *Gives you big hugs*

RE: Falling Inside The Black- Snake Plissken's Journal

Why do bad things happen to good people? It's a question that can't be answered, why because no one knows. I have a pretty good idea though ya see good people, genuine good people often have haters at their heels and these haters are so filled with jealousy that they have to try and ruin good people's lives because they can't stand to see them happy. If the world had less hate and jealousy then maybe everyone could get along and live peacefully instead of everyone being at each other's throats all the time, the innocent would stay safe and the evilness of hatred would die. My advice for the day if someone does a good deed for you Pay it Forward and keep the goodness in this world alive because quite frankly it's on life support right now.

This is not my typical type of entry I've just been thinking a lot and observing certain things lately and I've noticed that a lot of good people I know are getting shit for their goodness yet they still remain good people. The strength that these people have not to give up and say "Fuck the World" is amazing to me. I'm starting to really believe that karma is just a false reason for people's issues in their lives, if karma was real wouldn't the bad people in the world be punished instead of the good? Just think about it, a lot of complete dickfor's get everything they want and they're like the shittiest people alive and the good people who give and give and are kind to others without question get fucked over. I by far am not the greatest person in the world and I don't think I'm owed shit but people that I know personally that I do believed are owed something get nothing while some asshole gets everything he/she wants. It's fucking maddening.

Good Deeds Pay them Forward that's all I can say I wish this world was a better place and I know I'm gonna start trying to make it a better place, it doesn't take much. A simple smile to someone who seems down, lending a hand to someone who needs help, giving to others even if you don't have much yourself, little things like that can go a long way, just saying.

RE: Falling Inside The Black- Snake Plissken's Journal

Well it's been a bit since I posted in my journal and I've got a lot I feel I need to get off of my chest and this quite frankly is the only place I can do it. I've been living in CT with my "mother" for a bit now and let's just say it's been hell pretty much and today things got out of hand more so then they usually do and now I'm pretty much done with her and a lot of other people in my so called family. I can't take the all out war that my mother starts every time she can't get a fix and the fact that she pretty much deceived me into thinking I would be better off in CT and that I would have help from her when she most likely knew that she wouldn't do shit for me was pretty fucked up. How can someone lie so much I don't understand and this whole situation is partly my fault for giving her a second....wait no....this is like the 50th chance I've given her since she abandoned my ass when I was 16 I should've known better but unfortunately I try to find the good in all people and I give chance after chance and I continue to get screwed over no matter what I do or how much I try and help I will forever be the bad guy when it comes to my mother. I don't know what I did to make her hate me so much but the way things are are the way things are unfortunately and I needed a nice slap in the face to realize that being with my mother is NOT the right thing to do and moving back to CT was not what I should have done I should have stayed put but I hate being alone and the area I was in wasn't exactly the greatest place for me and my son to be so I left in hopes of getting some help. Well I know now that no one gives a shit and that it's me and my son and that's what I need to focus on now.

On another note I have been going insane trying to figure out what I want in terms of a relationship. My significant other is pretty much not going to be around for a while due to bullshit and I just don't know if I want a relationship where I can't touch or even talk to my boyfriend for years. I love him a lot I do but not having him with me and knowing he won't be able to be with me for a long time hurts and I crave closeness and I know I sound like a fucking jerk and I probably sound selfish as hell but I really can't help how I feel and I feel as if I'm slowly falling out of love with someone I thought I'd be with forever. Plus I don't even think I'm into guys at all not like I am with women anyways. Now I know I have to discuss all this with my boyfriend but I'm terrified too I hate hurting others and he means a lot to me and although he said he would take me any way he could get me whether in a relationship or jut as friends I know if/when I tell him how I feel he's gonna be upset and I don't wanna upset him and I honestly can't find the words to tell him everything and it's killing me.

Well not the happiest of entries, none of them really are and I probably sound like a little bitch that likes to whine and complain about life but hey I can't really help it. I'm not miserable all the time but I'm not happy that often either and when I am happy it doesn't last very long at all I just hope that someday I'll figure out what the fuck is right and wrong and what I want in life because the way things are right now just aren't working for me and I'm trying to change things but it's hard and very exhausting especially when every time I take a step forward something happens and I get thrown like ten steps back it's just fucking bullshit. Maybe I should just say "Fuck everyone" and stop worrying what everyone thinks or just stop trying so hard to please everyone maybe then I'll be happy but the thing is I don't know how to not care or how to say no when someone needs help even though when I need help or when it comes to my feelings no one cares I'm just that kind of person and until I learn how to not give a fuck about anyone other then me and my son then I think I'm pretty much gonna be miserable forever.

RE: Falling Inside The Black- Snake Plissken's Journal

Well how do I begin? Tomorrow is the day I sit down with my son's father and tell him that I'm gay. I'm scared shitless to say the least and I've been mentally broken down for so long that I know it's gonna be hard to keep my composure the whole visit. I was never this nervous nor did I care what people thought years ago but after spending a few months away from this man I've found myself happier, yes that is fucked up to say but you know the saying you don't know what you got until it's gone my feelings are probably the exact opposite from that phrase it's more like I didn't know what I could have until he was taken away. There will always be a special place in my heart for him but after sitting back and really truly thinking about our relationship before all the bullshit happened I realized that I was living a fucking lie and he did everything he could to break me down and try and mold me into something he wanted and not something I truly was. Do I miss him yes but when I had been told to remember the "good times" with him instead of the situation we were in now I got a hard slap to the face when I thought and thought but out of all the good times we had there were a dozen bad things to outweigh the good. I may sound cold and selfish but right now I really need to stop worrying about how everyone else feels for once and start focusing on what makes me happy. I haven't been happy in fucking years, YEARS! I was always so focused on being someone everyone liked that I lost myself in the midst of all of it.

My nervousness is at an all time high as well as my anxiety I've been shaking and crying and just trying to work up enough nerve to not back down from telling him how I truly feel. In the past it was always my fault I was always wrong and I was made to feel like a complete jerk for saying how I felt I can't take it anymore. I know that after I tell him what I need too all hell is gonna break loose and I will have a shit storm to deal with but I know when all is said and done I will finally be me again and I won't feel as if I have to hide it. I don't want to hurt this man but in the end I know it will and that's one of the main reasons I've kept my mouth shut for years and just lived in a fucked up lie and became someone different. I know I have a very very rough battle ahead of me and I'm ready to face it as long as I know for sure that I will be happy in the end.

So this is it, I'M GAY and honestly I'm FUCKING PROUD! I LIKE WOMEN EVERYTHING ABOUT THEM AND I BELONG WITH A WOMAN! One that will treat me right of course.

RE: Falling Inside The Black- Snake Plissken's Journal

I so <333 you, sweetie. And am beyond proud of you. Proud of you for being able to just focus on yourself for once, proud of you for being able to embrace who you are, proud of you for being able to trek on forward despite it all. You are who you are and that is a damned fine person. A wonderful friend, a wonderful mother. And I'm so glad to know you. *hugs and snuggles*

RE: Falling Inside The Black- Snake Plissken's Journal

darkangel76 said:

I so <333 you, sweetie. And am beyond proud of you. Proud of you for being able to just focus on yourself for once, proud of you for being able to embrace who you are, proud of you for being able to trek on forward despite it all. You are who you are and that is a damned fine person. A wonderful friend, a wonderful mother. And I'm so glad to know you. *hugs and snuggles*

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Thank you so much for the support you have helped me build my confidence so much and I am so grateful for that I honestly think that I can go into this tomorrow with a strong head and heart and just be honest not only with him but myself as well *Hugs back* Thank you!

RE: Falling Inside The Black- Snake Plissken's Journal

Ok so this entry is not gonna be pretty nor will it be an entry most people will like you're about to get to know me on a level that most people don't get the privilege of knowing me on. I have just found out that my little sister has been getting physically and mentally abused by her new boyfriend and well I will NOT let that shit happen any longer. I have wrote her new boyfriend and told him what I will do to him if he keeps this bullshit up. My sister may not make the greatest choices in life and she may be on a really REALLY fucked up path that she's following at the moment but I want to make one thing straight. I may insult my sister and occasionally we fight and get physical but I WILL BE DAMNED if anyone lays their hands on my baby sister or abuses her in any way. So after writing this prick he responds with a nasty message telling me I am nothing but some headstrong DYKE that is trying to be hard over facebook. I laughed so hard I nearly fainted. This mother fucker has no idea who I am nor does he know the people I know and quite frankly he better watch his step because I'm not trying to be a gangster and get him killed my connections are the good old 'Boys in Blue' yeah that's right. The police. the man, the fucking jigs as some call them. I don't need to go ghetto fabulous on your ass I have the fucking law on my side it's one of the perks of being the step daughter of a land trust member. I grew up knowing these fine men and all I have to do is say the word and they will come down on you like a ton of fucking bricks and take you the fuck down! They all know me and my family very well, they used to come to cook outs that my mother and step father threw when I was barely out of diapers. They love me like family and they love my siblings like family and they will do anything to protect us and if I tell them exactly what I heard this man has been doing to my sister they are going to be furious and best believe they will surround his fucking house/apartment and get my sister the fuck out of there. I have given this prick ONE warning and that is all he gets. As soon as my sister tells me he has hit her or choked her again he better expect the 5-0 to be at his doorstep ready to cuff his ass and drag him to jail where he belongs.

Okay so it's been a while since I've posted any journal entries and I thought it would be good to get one out there considering how I'm feeling currently. A lot has changed since my last few entries, like the fact that I'm not gay, I'm heterosexual MALE who likes FEMALES. Yes, I finally 'came out' as a transman last January and while sometimes things aren't really easy for me when it comes to that, I am happy that I finally admitted to myself that I was not comfortable in my body, it's not mine, my gender marker on my birth certificate does not define my true gender. Growing up in a VERY christian family really didn't allow my mind to be that open (No offense to people of the christian faith that aren't bigoted douchebags with closed minds) and in turn feeling like a boy was wrong even though I couldn't help it so, I pushed it all back for practically my whole life. Tried to be someone I wasn't. Hell it took so much strength to tell my mother that I didn't like men and believe me although my mom is just fine with who I am no matter what, there are still members in my family that believe I have a one way ticket to hell and Satan has me on his VIP list sooooo yeah I got a lot of shit growing up so I really wasn't given the option to be me fully. I had to try and please my family because why? Because I love them but now that I'm an adult and I've been on my own for quite a while I've realized that my love was being wasted on people who couldn't love me because I'm....me and it's horrible to say I've wasted love on certain family members but the truth isn't always peachy and I'm not a fucking liar.

After coming out, my aunt who I grew up around practically disowned me after writing me a very lengthy Facebook post of how sinful and sick I was, how much I needed Jesus in my life, and how I'm messing up my kid's head because he shouldn't be exposed to that "Stuff". What she fails to realize however is I'm NOT the one who's sick, I HAVE Jesus in my life just like I have, Allah, Buddah, Ra, Odin, Zeus, etc. in my life(there's far too many faiths and religions for only one to be right in my opinion), and my kid really doesn't give two fucks about the fact I'm dad in fact it's easier for him to call me dad than it was for him to call me mom, so in all reality the only 'sick' people in this is my aunt and the other people who turned their backs on me after I told them I was going to go through the physical transition, they're filled with hatred because of her beliefs and it's horrible. However, I've come to the point where I just can't fight for them to love me for me and not try and change me to be someone THEY want me to be, I've let them go and they're gone until they can pull their heads outta their asses and open up their minds.

In other news I am moving soon! Only across town but a FAR better area than I'm in currently. I almost got beat up today by like four crack heads because I went to grab my son away from a driveway cars fly out of all the time while he was throwing a fit. Like, are you fucking kidding me?! I don't hit my kid, I'm the ONLY one providing for him and taking care of him and he has mental health issues like I do, so ya now what? The fact that I only yelled while pulling my kid out of HARMS WAY while he's throwing a complete fit, is something I should be proud of, I don't care what anyone else thinks. No one knows the hell that me and my kid go through because of our own minds, yes our own, very advanced and very intelligent minds are our worst enemies. My son is intelligent beyond his years and that means he is 10 times harder to handle because he knows what gets to me and he knows how to push those buttons just right and he is not stupid, he knows damn well I'm a pushover when it comes to him. Yes I know not good but being someone who was abused my entire childhood, I'm afraid to discipline him because I hated my step father for what he did to me and my biggest fear is that my child will hate me because I took something from him or put him in time out. I know that's NOT abuse but in my head it is because every time I turn around and try to discipline him SOMEONE is breathing down my neck calling me an asshole and a shitty parent or they pull the "Awe ust give it back to the poor baby". Then if I don't discipline him, I'm a pushover and my kid is walking all over me.


Well this is what I gotta say. FUCK YOU! If you ain't paying my damn bills, putting a roof over my son's head, food in our stomach's, clothes on our backs, and if you DO NOT know shit that goes on in our lives then you can keep your fucking mouth shut or I'll start shutting it for people. My son has anger issues, he puts his hands on me and I do my best to try and make him realize that it's not right and it is HARD okay it's hard I am doing my best as a single parent with mental health issues that pretty much kick me in the balls from the time I wake up in the morning until I force myself to sleep at night. I'm sick of people who don't know jack shit about me opening their mouths about shit. I grabbed my son by his sweater and pulled him away from danger, but fuck me for being a little overprotective of my pup right? Threaten to kick my ass because I wouldn't let my kid stand there in front of a driveway to probably a crack house where he could get hit by some careless asshole that flies out of it probably tweaked off their ass and not paying attention nor caring who's in their way. I swear the majority of the human race I've encountered over my 26 years of life makes me want to go live among animals because even they have better values and more brain cells than most people do now a days. Okay I think I'm done ranting and raving for now, just wanted to get that off my chest, there's far too much in my brain and I needed to empty some space lol. Thank you for reading and enduring my pissing and moaning for a bit

<33333 you, Alpha. Just as you are! Always have, always will. And your son has an awesome dad in you. You love him so much and do right by him. Fuck what others say. And if you're going to hell...I'll see you there! We'll throw the best party too! ; ) *hugs*