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+Anj's Journal+

Joined
Dec 13, 2011
Location
Pacific Northwest
+7-7-2012+

I'm generally am a very nice person, and very forgiving; I can have the tendency to be too trusting, and bit naive. Not as much because of a lot I've had to deal with in the last four years, but those parts of me are still there. My point? It takes a lot to make me hate you. Never before have I felt such intense hatred as I do for my EX. Yesterday showed me just how far I'd fallen into that hate - never before have I wanted to physically explode on someone like I wanted to explode on him. If I had, there is no telling what I may have done to him. Lucky for him, I have way more self control than he does.

The fact I still even talk to him should show him just how tolerant I am. In the last four years, because of him and at his hands, I'd dealt with a number of things I believe a woman should never be subjected to. Safe to say, he is lucky he is not in prison getting rammed by some angry man who needs to get laid(because he would be on the bottom; he likes to think he is tough white trash, but he's really not).

My point over all, is that it is not in my nature to hate. Hating someone is physically and emotionally exhausting to me. Between that and the stress lately, I'm feeling so drained. I can't afford to be, as I have to take care of my two beautiful children - the only thing my EX ever did right by me, are those two miracles. Yesterday he tried to lord his child support over me as leverage; this was how the conversation went.

Me: Will you bring over the child support when you visit today, please? It's been two weeks.

EX: Sure, if that's what you want.

Me: Did you bring the child support like I asked?

EX: Yes.

Me: Well, since you are taking off, can I get it please?

EX: No.

Me: Why?

EX: Because you said you would try harder to talk to me, and you haven't.

I swear - to any god there may be and is - I have never felt so intense anger than in that moment. He brought the money with the sole purpose of denying it; what really gets to me is the money is not for me (I know mothers who use the child support for their own wants and desires), it's for the kids. So, because I hadn't tried hard enough in the four days since our last argument to talk to him on a friendly level, he was willing to take away the money for his kids. I was seeing red.

And the whole cause of the argument to begin with, four days prior, was because I started dating again. After a year and a half of being single, since the day he'd ultimately ruined everything - he does this all out of spite, and I hate it.

In the end, he gave me the money.

The hate, is exhausting. My energy has been lacking, because of it and the stress of having to deal with all this from my abuser. Or ex-abuser, whatever he likes to think of himself(besides my soul-mate, because he is delusional to thing I would ever, willingly, walk back into the arms of someone who scarred me in so many ways).

My roleplays have been lacking a bit lately, as well as my fanfics and original writings; I hate him for that fact alone. I love to write. It's my passion, my calling, or so I believe, and that he can affect that really gets to me.

I got to be stronger than this, stronger than him - at least I have someone who really cares to help me with it. I'm not alone and that, at least, keeps me going.

And to all my friends here on BM, thanks for always bending your ear and being there for me when it counts, and when you can.

Well, I suppose that's enough rambling for the early morning hours. No nightmares when I sleep, I hope! That would be nice.

-Anjeru-
 
RE: Non-consequential Ramblings of an Anjeru

+7-11-2012+

It's really frustrating when you know what you want to write - it's there and ready, perfect even - but then it refuses to come through your fingertips and onto paper. This bloody chapter has been in my head for weeks, but has been refusing to be translated into an actual written piece; it was a request from a friend, so because it is taking so long is doubly as frustrating. I hate making people wait, especially if they're so excited about it.

Something else that is equally as frustrating - unwanted memories, ones you wish could be wiped from your mind all together. I worry my past experiences color my future experiences, whether intentional or not. It's a common reaction. We're formed by our experiences; at times not for the better. I don't want that to happen to me. I do my best not to let them do just that. And hell, I have a lot of unwanted memories, more than a handful just from my last relationship.

To finally have someone I've wanted for years, to be with them, makes me happy, content - I worry that because it's always happened before, something will come along to mess with it(though the EX has already tried and I'm sure he will continue to do so). I'm not used to being happy, but I like it, and I hope beyond hope it will stay that way; I haven't allowed myself to feel this way about anyone in a long time given what happened the last time, but I have a feeling this one will work out. To be in love again...well, it's odd, but in a good way; I smile at the slightest thought of him, his words can make me grin like an idiot; it's hard to remember when I felt like this last.

I think I got off track...anyway, yeah, frustrated I think is the mood for this morning. I'm determined to get this damn chapter for 'Torturing A Prince' done...my first Male/Male piece...we'll have to see how it goes.

-Anjeru-
 
RE: Non-consequential Ramblings of an Anjeru

+7-16-2012+

So, today's mindset is that I am pretty freakin' awesome; in a matter of 3 hours, I managed to get nearly everything set up for my boyfriend to come see me in roughly 3 weeks.

Eeee! I'm so excited! And and, a bit hyper. Coffee. o 3o

-Anjeru-
 
RE: Non-consequential Ramblings of an Anjeru

+9-8-2012+

I really, really hate being ignored. I have serious self inferiority issues. When someone chooses to ignore me, that certainly does not help. But what really grinds my gears? When my mother ignores me in matters that concern my own daughter.

Now, until I am able to get back onto my feet after having escaped from a physically, mentally, emotionally, and sexually, abusive relationship, I am staying with my mom. Have been. Due to limited space, my son sleeps in my room and my daughter sleeps with my mom.

Fine, I can live with that. One night, I wanted to sleep with both my kids because I was stressed out. She said no, and that she needed her, and I was punishing her by taking her sleeping buddy away. Never have I been so just...UGH. Then today, she tells me she got one of those bike seats so she can ride my daughter on the bike with her when they go to the gym, three miles away. I don't like those things. I never have. Hell, I don't even like bikes, considering I've been hit a number of times by drivers who can't be bothered to pay attention to what the hell they are doing. So I spent a number of minutes saying I didn't want her biking my three year old daughter back and forth to the gym. Does she listen? No. She told me she'd be careful and that I need to trust her. Does she not understand that it isn't her I don't trust? Of course not.

Lastly, I told my mom I wanted to take my daughter shopping with me tomorrow and she started guilting me with how she was planning on taking her swimming. I had to give her a speech about how its ridiculous that I can't, and haven't, been able to spend any time with my daughter(it doesn't help that my son and daughter are on different sleeping schedules because my son is so bloody stubborn about not sleeping at night), before she finally said "yeah, you're right. I'll take her Monday." Not that she asked, but I am glad she at least relented. I mean I should be able to spend time with my daughter whenever I want, without having to plan to do it.

I'm just getting really frustrated. Trying to find work so I can move out, but work isn't all that easy to find these days. Not that the kids' father is helping out any either. He didn't even bring his son a birthday present.

Well. I think I've ranted what I needed to.

I love my mom, but sometimes I get so bloody frustrated with her I have to vent. If I do it on Facebook, she see's it, then it just starts a whole new mess of problems. Oi.

I feel better now. Blah.

-Anjeru-
 
RE: Non-consequential Ramblings of an Anjeru

+9-10-2012+

Something that really hurts me and really pisses me off, is when somebody hears about someone's rape and says something like this: "She must have deserved it", "She provoked him somehow", "It takes two to fight".

A)Nothing I did deserved having my free will taken from me and subjected such pain and humiliation.

B)Oh yes, I apparently provoked him and asked him to attack me simply because I wanted to leave him and escape from the hell he'd made my life.

C)It takes two to fight? It takes two to RAPE? Oh yes, I fought, I fought to get away, but I sure as hell didn't have a part in helping him do what he did.

What is wrong with you people? Clearly, you aren't victims of rape, so keep your opinions on the matter to yourself for those of us who are, and who you hurt/piss off with your careless words. I wanted to go to SlutWalk in Seattle for this very same kind of response, but I couldn't make it. Which sucked. People need to understand and also all those ignorant asses who think RAPE IS FUNNY need a clear head smacking.

Sorry, needed to vent on that a little bit. It really ticks me off, so much so I shake when I read that crap; yes, I believe everyone is entitled to their own opinions, but there is a point when an opinion is pure idiocy and ignorance.

Twice today I subjected to this kind of ignorant behavior and it just really makes me want to just stop using the internet sometimes with how many idiots are running amok(espeically stupid ass pre-teens who seem to lack parental supervision).

I have faith in the good of humanity, but some days it is harder to hold onto than others.

-Anjeru-
 
+9-12-2012+

It's 5 am. I'm wide awake. With an overactive muse; don't get me wrong, I am happy it's in overdrive. I prefer an overactive muse to an inactive muse. I am writing like crazy. Several chapters to on-going fics, started a new original fic, wrote two one-shots; and I still have the urge to write, while more ideas are beginning to swim around.

Just got to keep it in check to make sure I don't start a bunch of fics I can't finish.

That would be bad. Lol.

I suppose I shall listen to some more dubstep and keep writing until I actually get tired.

-Anjeru-
 
+9-12-2012+ - Part Two!

I am feeling pretty badass right now. According to Wikipedia, based on word count, with my fanfiction I have written - 3 novels(40k+), 4 novellas(17.5k-40k), 1 novelette(7.5k-17.5k), and 7 short stories(under 7.5k). :3 ♥

-Anjeru-
 
+12-3-2012+

I actually freaking did it; I'm a winner of NaNoWriMo. I wrote a 50,000 word novel in 30 days! I'm posting it on my fiction press account and most likely on site here, in the story telling forum.

Kind of written out, but hoping to get back to my fanfiction and roleplays. :3
 
Well, real life sucks and gets in the way sometimes; that being said, I have been especially busy lately. I've been working, while being sick, on and off so much. I have been fighting with my ex non-stop about getting the child support for my kids set up. I hate that I let a lot of that get in the way of time here, and in my writing, but real life has to take priority. I'm sad that I can't be, nor have I really been, around to help the site much and it's something I do regret, because I owe a lot to bluemoon in the years I've been here. I remember when it was first opened and all the new people I got to meet, many who I am still good friends with - and in some cases, more.

Bummed, but back. :)
 
Well, you may not know me.....And I don't really know you, but nevertheless welcome back!

Hope everything works out for you.
 
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