Perfect Storm

6/5/12-Around 7:30pm

Song of the Day: Sweeney Todd - "By The Sea"

I have alot of things on my mind as always.

My major things? paying for college witch is due next week.

Good news: i got a 560$ check today witch made my hurting legs and feet, feel some what better

Bad news: i don't drive... getting a ride to and from work is easy...its only 20 mins away but my college is 40 mins away. I have to learn to drive better soon because my reliable guy is going to leave for the military in July. Shit. its only a month away. It makes me was burst into tears thinking that he will be gone.

I hate growing up, when you turn 18 years old, you realize how broke you have became, unless your in a rich family, witch is not my case. I just live with my caring father who helps me in anyway he can while working his ass off to pay the bills so we can have a house to live in.

I sure hope i can have it worked out so i'm not running around trying to get rides.

................Down by the Sea~


~*$torm*

6/11/12 11:40pm

I'm always up late for some weird reason...
Good news: i got the 5 days off for my camping! and my new video game comes out tomorrow (lollipop chainsaw)

Bad news: i have to work till Friday.....
i getting used to working but it seems like everyone like to laugh at me...I can be slow at times but i hate being the joke, unless i'm laughing with them.

6/20/12 6:00pm

My day just sucked ass, i had to Work 7am to 4pm, but every part of my body started to hurt by lunch time.My feet hurt, my legs were numb, my back hurt, i felt dizzy, my head felt like it was going to pop plus to top it all off, it was so very hot. The weather man said it was going to be at lest 103F. After crying in front of my mangers and co workers, they let me off an hour early but i had no ride home. Well i had stuff to do, a check to cash but it was so fucking hot that i only made 20 feet next to a produce stand that was run by a girl went to school with me. Me and her talked to pass the time...i remembered letting her borrow my vampire books and such, but we were never really the best of friends. She was one of them nice popular girls that you were always happy to talk to. After 2 hours, i got a ride home, and now i have to get ready for camping. i should be happy but after the day i had, i don't know how i will get through camping.

Good news: i'm Home, and going camping tomorrow.

Bad news: I did't cash my check, i did't cash in my grant for college, i still don't have a car for school, my body hurts, its my time of the month and when i seen my times for next week,my work place told me to work on the two days i'm going to be gone during camping. I had to fight to get tomorrow off and i don't feel like fighting for the two days. Fuck it. Looks like i will get fired. I am a hard worker, i put in 110%. I always do what the mangers says, but if they are going to ignore me, they i will ignore them. I know that's a bad idea but i don't like being pushed around too much.

6/27/12 10pm

It's moment like this i wanna drive a knife into my throat so i can stop breathing. What if my heart stop beating and my blood stop pumping? well duh i would would be dead. But how many people would care? would anyone from school think, " Hey, remember that weird girl? she died"

Yea, i was not really all that popular, did alot of hardwork for nothing and had backstabbing friends but that's life, eh? I always wished that some one would at lest text me saying they missed talking to me....i felt popular with the group of people i had crowded around my lunch table then outside of school i realized how alone i was. i would always try to text, call and ask to hang out, but i realized it was too much fucking work running after people who did't even wanna talk to you.

Good news: i still have a job?

Bad news: i NEED a car, college is in a month and my one and only is leaving for boot camp July 8th. Fucked up thing was we had a fight tonight....we always fight about the same thing.

I just wanna give up...everyone asks me why i would talk to such a "jerk". Sad truth is, even if he is a smartass,knows nothing about woman and don't know when to shut up....i still beat him up for being so gosh damn smart, i hate how he out smarts me...so i beat him up. Then there is taking the blame, it would seem he get blamed for everything, even though when we end up having a fight, he says alot of things is my fault. He says a i bully him, i blame him for everything and i never listen to him, yet when we get into big fights, he says how its always my fault, there's no way out of it without looking dumb, so i just call him a jerk cause i feel too fucking dumb to say anything but sorry. Even saying sorry don't seem to help, so i'm like well what the fuck do you want? i said it all my fault and your still acting like a dick? The one thing he never wants to do is repeat it or talk about it. He tell me to let it go but i don't because i wanna understand it.

10/30/12

I have not posted on this site for quite sometime. I guess it got weird after a while or the fact that i got busy with my life.

At the moment i have 2 jobs and go to college. I fear that i might fail college due to all the drama that has been happening in my life. When Brian left for boot camp, i felt so lost, like a part of me just left. I may act childish at times but i know when to act grown up. When college started, i was hoping seeing all my nerdy friends would make me feel better. It did for quite some time, running around and joking. There was that part that was still missing though. That one person i wanted to talk about everything with and cuddle.

Then i met the shy kid in the corner. No cared about him, in fact we made fun of him, give him a name and wondered what he was up to everyday. Like i did in high school, i talked to the shy kid. At first i had no idea what to say, say hi every now and then like a shy little girl then after seeing he was on my bus, i would sit next to him...pushing my self into talking with him. One day i just let it out, saying how i did;t want to to work and suddenly we were talking a lot more...talked almost everyday. I really thought i found my new best friend and that i found my missing part. He soon started to step out of his shell, cutting his hair, shaving his face and even talking with my friends. One again i had turn the shy kid into talkative person. I was quite proud of what i did but then it would seem he walked to talk to me more then anyone else. Or maybe i was just full of myself. In any case, my flirting got the best of me and so did my stress. Shy kid would hear everything i would say, hug me...cuddle with me. We got close....too close. People started to wonder what was happening, Asking if we were dating and making fun of how we would run off to cuddle on the couch. I tried to ignore all of it, and went on with doing what i wanted. Being happier then ever that i had that part back, i did the one thing i thought i would never do. Come close to shy kid. With every passing day i would worry about if Brian found out. I thought to myself, it was just some thing that i need to control and push away. Although thoughts of douts went through my head. Brian, the one who was always fighting with me...why should i have to deal with it anymore?

Me and Brian,We have been together for 3 years, have so much in common, he lives 2 miles from me, always been there for me and shared everything together. He even wet to boot camp to make sure we had a better life. For me to just throw this away for a Shy kid that i liked from college... that has no job, no car and spends his time on the internet all the time? No, just no. That the dumbest thing ever. I had to think very hard about what i needed to do but my body would scream at me to get closer to that shy kid. I told Shy kid what was happening and he did't mind at all. Of course he does not mind at all...he has a girl flirting with him and made him little popular.

When Brian came back for a week, it was the happiest week of my life, eating fast food everyday, and sleeping next to him everyday. That guilt started to roll in. I told him that i meet another guy that made me happy. At first he had laughs that i replaced him but as the week started to end, i told him that it was not the same as it was when we first went out....that i was tired of fighting and i was no longer happy. I could not stop crying...i kept saying sorry and he said well if your no longer happy..i understand but i had 3 more months to think about it. The last day i seen him, he walked me to class and hugged me goodbye. I had to walk out of math class because i wanted to cry. At that moment i knew i loved him and that he did in fact, made me happy. I did't care about the fights we had or the fact that he was an asshole sometimes. I knew he would make me happy no matter what. There was still one problem though. I had to deal with the fact that i still liked that shy kid. He was so cute, nice, silly and childish like me. I just kept doing what i wanted but i needed to do what was right. Now i realize how childish that shy kid is....Again...no job, no car... and i have only known him for only about 3 months! why did i do things i know i was going to regret later?

Because i'm a silly human that's why. I know all humans make mistakes but i have been trying my best NOT to be the people i see around me. Not to be a 20 year old with 5 kids...Not to be, a pothead that work at Walmart... and Not to be, a person that sits around doing nothing all day. No matter how much a person may plan out there life, it will take the other road. So many detours that you have to take in order to get to the place that you are going. Maybe that's a good thing. All the mistakes i make and see others do would make me a better person. Just a few moments ago i was sad because i had so many friends i met in real life and the internet that has left me. I texted someone and said. "I just feel so alone. I just want to hang myself" I have had a lot of moments in my life were i hurt myself and wish to be gone.But that would mean i would be giving up. I said i wanted to make my life better and then i just want to end it so fast. Life is really hard but dying is just an easy way out of it. That means you were not able to take life head on. Now i know what i must do.

I love you Brian.

11/7/12

Well i just got work. i have not singed in yet. i know it did't do well on my psychology paper. I would shit my pants of a i got a 70 but i barley got 4 pages. i know it had to be longer but there is only so much you can write about the fear of spiders. (Sorry for the people who fear it). I mean no one likes spiders unless your that weird bug person. I have been really stressed for some weird reason. My body feels weaker, more tired....Also have been having...well...personal problems with my area. NO I don't have an STD. I highly doubt that. One of my friends are worried that i might be pregnant. My life would be over if that happen. Right when i was about to leave to go on the bus, i started to cry for like 20 mins. Shy guy felt so lost at what was wrong, tried to make me laugh but i had to run to a corner and cry. I cried as he just said its ok,while rubbing my back. Then i asked another close friend to comfort me. One that knows me a lot better then shy kid. I think he started to cry while watching me cry. I don't always like crying around my friends but my body wanted to cry and i just let it happen. Mumbled random things as i was crying...like how i'm sacred to fail my classes, how Brian might be mad at me for flirting with another guy.....And just...Failing at life. I want nothing better to get a degree, get a better job and have a family. That's every Americans dream, Right? Well biased on looking at all the people who are being lazy, living off food stamps...i never want to be like that. After all the bullying, after all the things i went through in high school, and all the things that's happened in 12th grade, i have still been able to stand up and keep going. I might just be too worried about failing. Yea......that's whats happening. I wondering after today weather i should seek someone for help. I have moment where i said i wanted to kill myself and wanted to. Of course i'm too much of a puss to even try that type of thing. I freak out when i have headaches or when i'm coughing on water. Highly doubt that i would have the balls to do it but i'm almost close to doing it.

I want this night to go fast. Please.

11/4/16

Wow. Just looking back at this just makes me so sad. I wanted to start this up again because i need some way of getting my thoughts out.

I feel like i wasted this whole year.
I broke up with Brian back in December 2014.

I pretty much ran away with a guy named Khayman, who is still my current love of my life. At first we were unsure about our love but i know its solid. If someone told to to put Love into words, it would be this: Love is when you get upset and they know exactly how to calm you down. Love is accepting all of the faults and past demons. Love is when you are at the lowest point of your life and they are standing there right in front of you, holding your hand through all of it. Khayman has stressed me out alot. He can be lazy. He can be such a dumbass. He does not have alot money and it took him two years two find a job again while i supported him the whole time. If it one thing that he has never done...Its that he has never made me feel like less of a person.

When i started to go out with Khayman, my main focus was to have alot sex with him, non stop, all the time but soon i realized, i was in a open relationship and i could also have sex with other people. i soon started to try to have sex with some of my friends but i'm a super picky person. I like shy nerd virgin boys....maybe even girls. i tried hooking up with quite a few people but it just didn't work out well. I went back to focusing on Khayman, mainly because i was stressed he didn't have a job but he has one now! so, no big deal. Once Khayman got a job and we were back on track, i wanted to try again.

After starting this year off very broke. i mean barely 30$ a week broke, i wanted something to make me happy. A new play person, i guess? i started flirting with all my nerdy friends and one that i thought was cute poped up. He was connected to my friends from a party, so i was unsure of starting the short term relationship. I hate being in drama and people gossiping about me. He had recently broke up with with his girlfriend and talked about how crazy & drama filled she was. We started doing it, hanging out and such. Suddenly i find out one of my transgender friends started going out with his ex girlfriend. Well, that really made him mad and he already did't like my trans friend. ( i didn't know that). This is when the cluster fuck drama started. Me, my trans friend, the guy i was doing it with and his ex girlfriend, were all fighting. I was in the middle of it all. After a while i had to find a way out and i made him super upset to the point where he blocked me. i was so happy. All the drama was over. Everything went back to normal with me and Khayman.

I soon started a second job at a seafood restaurant. I met a cute skinny nerdy 19 year old virgin guy. i soon learned that he liked anime like me and we had a bunch of random things in common. We hanged out, i flirted with him and i soon took his virginity in a hotel. After that we hanged out alot, had tons of car sex, and i even had him hang with my friends. He was the best "hoe" i have ever had. He was the perfect fetish of everything i wanted. A blushing overly pervy skinny nerdy boy. The only down side was that he was really bad at texting. I keep yelling at him about it. One day, i told him to come over to Khaymans house where it would be just me, him and khayman. We all got drunk, played games, ate pizza and i hardcore did it with him. The next day he seemed upset....He keep saying he was tired and hungry but even after i paid for his food, he just seemed off. We went to a park and he said that we should slow down with the sex. i got annoyed by how lame and mean he was acting then drove him to work. i slept in the car waiting for him then woke up to his face. i just got done having sex dreams, and that made my mood after better. I went to drive him home but i pulled over to do it with him. After that i barley got any texts messages from him. He was already bad at contacting me but he was straight up ignoring me. I was having a bad day and left him a bunch of nasty messages. I said that i wanted to end the relationship because he was very bad at contacting me....so much it stressed me out. The next day i said sorry. After not hearing anything from him for 3 days, i called him, asking what was wrong. He pretty much said he was jealous of khayman and no longer wanted to have sex with me. That was yesterday. i'm still reviewing all the great dates we went on. i was crying badly on my way home from work when he said that. i spent so much money on hotels and food on him and he just up and left me. It still hurts but i should have seen it coming.

11/6/16

Its been a great past few days. On Friday i went to the movies with my friends and Khayman. There was a loud dude sitting next to me, who keep talking to me. I don't know why he kept talking to me, it thought it was weird but he seemed quite nice. Saturday, was kinda slow, but it was my last day at my Deli job. No one really cared. No cake or anything, just a few hugs and good luck. I think it was a great idea because i can focus more on my cooking job. I don't have to deal with people, i can wear whatever i want and i make more money. By the afternoon, i got my second tattoo on my arm. It didn't hurt at all and it only took about 15 mins. Today, Sunday i woke at my friends house, Keri and made her family breakfast. i'm going to my cooking job in a few minutes. I'm trying to keep my mind busy so i don't feel bad about losing my last hoe. I wanna text him. Message him on Skype. Call him. Say sorry so many times but he is done with me. Its ok, i have Khayman and anime to keep me happy. i just wish i could finish my paperwork for the apartment.

11/8/16

Yesterday was an ok day. I got up early, had something to eat. I slept over at Brains (because for some reason i still talk to him).While i was eating, i was thinking of a way to say sorry to my last hoe. I sent him a long ass Skype message then was thinking about it all day. I went to my check up appointment for my right elbow. I slammed it on a mental shelf and it was hurting for a while. It feels better now but that doctor that helped me was such a bitch for some reason. Talking down to me like i was retarded. Anyway, after that i didn't have to be to work untill 5pm, so i drive all the way to Khaymans and surprised him. We ate some food then i took a nap then i went off to work. I like Mondays because Ms.Dora is not there and does not boss me around as much. When i got off work, i called Khayman for a few minutes but it got silent after a while because i ran out of words to say. I still feel pretty sick and i was thinking about going to a doctor but i feel too lazy to go. i just wanna relax all day until work. I woke up, wondering if i got a reply but of course i did not get a message. That last phone call is just so crushing. I should have said something better but i did not. I have had so much time to think and i'm trying to fix it but he wants nothing to do with me. I'm sorry. i cant say anything else. I need to just give up already because people always end up hating me and i need to get over it. This always happens to me when i get connected to someone i really like.

They leave every time. Just get over it. leave him alone. He hates you now. He used you and now he is done with you. Stay with Khayman...the one person who spends money on you and it always there for you. Stop treating him like shit and running around like a child, having sex with other people and using his money. Yes, he spent your money for almost 3 years but you can still treat him better by not having sex with different people then come crying back to him. Pick a person already. Quit being a spoiled little whore. Your last hoe is done with you and when he said he wanted to be friends, he lied, he wants you to leave him alone. He spent his whole life being alone and he wants to continue being that way. Let him be lonely.Leave him alone. Its ok. It going be ok. Just drop him.

Christ. I can't believe Trump is president. I'm really just having second thoughts about this world. Well, im just going keep going to work and act like nothing has happened. Facebook was blowing up like crazy. My head has been hurting for most of the day. I didn't really eat much. I have been nonstop wacthing jojos because Its a nice fandom to get into. I have always had animes i liked that no one really cared about. Now that I don't have any hoes to hang out with, I have more time to myself to wacth anime untill I have to work. I feel pretty ugly today. My face has a lot pimples and I keep ripping apart my face. Maybe because of the random stuff I eat? Maybe because I keep rubbing my face? Maybe because I'm stressed. Khayman is so loving but I'm so werid. I never really know what I want. I'm just contine to act like everything is normal. Act like I'm not slowly breaking everyday. I'm just going be like when I was in school, sit alone and not talk to anyone. My head to hurts. I can tell today is going be slow day.

I'm almost done with the second season of jojos. On My way to work, I had mixed feelings about things. I thought about doing the most dumbest thing. Doing a love spell to bring him back. I just need to not worry about it. I still feel really ugly I have been sitting in my car picking at my face. Taking a shaver and taking all the hairs off my chin and taking a razor blade and cutting open all the little pimples. I feel so ugly. I need a face lotion and a face strub. I feel like I have just given up on looking pretty. I'm even too lazy shave my legs. I have been alone at home wacthing anime, my face has started breaking out and I have not been paying attention on how I look. Sleep, anime, nap, anime, shower, work, anime and sleep. That's all in have been doing the pass few days. My whole lifestyle has been different. I have become more lazy and uncaring. Is this because I was heart broken or just because I have less busy life style? I feel like all my other anti social friends. They just wacth anime and work then maybe go outside if they get invited to social gatherings. I don't have much money to go hang out with people anyway. I just hope the paperwork for the apartment goes through. I have not heard anything yet.

Today was my only day off and i didn't do anything really. I spent the night at Garys last night, just so i can be close to Khayman but i didn't wanna be touched at all. Not one bit. I don't understand why. Was i annoyed by his energy? i think my depression is back. I keep wanting to be alone and watching anime then just work. I don't want to be around people anymore. I don't wanna have sex anymore. My last hoe pretty much broke me back into depression. I have become so uncaring that i hate myself. What can i do? can some one help me? i want to hurt myself but i hate the feeling of being alone. I'm about to cry because i cant make Khayman happy. I cant make anyone happy.

Well, things have been getting better, guess?

Thursday night, i wanted to end it all. I called him to see if we were friends anymore. I thought i gave him alot time to think it over but he turned into a asshole. He said he grew feelings for me and got jealous of Khayman. He said he is so over come by being jealously, that not even being friends was an great idea for him. He keep saying i was a cheater. I told him that i had Khayman in the beginning? He just responded saying "That was just words, then i grew feelings" Fuck you. I'm not going drive you around town, spend hundreds of dollars on you and have sex with you whenever you wanted, Then you call me a cheater? i was depressed for like week and explained everything that was happening. He just blamed me for everything. Fucking cunt. To think i even have wasted my fucking time on him.

Friday, i woke up with Khayman. I went to the interview for my apartment. I'm happy that i'm getting an apartment but by the afternoon i had a date to go on with a new friend. I texted them twice and even called him. He went from non stop talking to me and i have not hear anything seine Thursday night. Friday afternoon i sat home alone after someone yelled at me for being a cheater and then someone else ditched me. I felt like a fucking loser. I give up on people.

Well, i have not posted in a while because there is really not much to say. The only thing is that, i'm stressed out about would be the fact i don't have much money. I have like 40$ to last me until the 8th....I have not had sex in a long time. Have i lost interest in sex or have just been so depressed and stressed that i don't think about it as much? I don't know. Khayman is always sad that i don't have sex with him all the time. I have been kinda messy down there lately, so that does not help. I have an uneasy feeling today and i'm trying not to think of sad things that will make it worst.

I'm trying to watch a funny school anime but for some reason even that making me sad.

I made a Facebook post about how depression drags you down and i have been messaging a ton of people on facebook to forget about my mood but i feel like they are taking pity on me by talking to me. They don't care about me. I feel like no one really does.