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The insane ramblings of an old wizard.

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So, I went to that government thing today... And well, I had suspected it for a bit, I haven't been feeling too good lately, for the past few days, but today my fears have been confirmed.

That little burst of motivation that I felt? It's... Kind of dwindled.

I still went though, and I'll be going tomorrow... And probably the day after that, and so forth. But I feel that it's all so... Pointless. While the person spoke to me, I found myself wondering... Does it matter?

Does it matter if I never do anything?

If I end up being alone for good?

... Is it worth it? Is it worth for me to do anything? Why should I bother?

I don't know... I guess that's the bad part. I hate being alone, I do, I can't stand it, but the tradeoff is having to do so much, having to make so much effort... I feel like it might not be worth it. I feel like I'd be more content with living like a miserable fuck... Kind of like Dr.House, you know? That example was brought up to me before, and it makes so much sense.

I want to be miserable, don't I? If not, then I have no other explanation for my behavior, for how quickly my motivation will dwindle when given the slightest shove in the wrong direction.

I just don't know. I don't know, and I don't know if I ever will. I've been doing this nothing for so many years now... That it's basically become my life.

Something is seriously really fucking wrong with me.
 
So, I didn't go today.

Not because I'm depressed, or not because I'm unmotivated or anything like that. But rather, because not going made me feel good. So I have to question why I went there in the first place, really.

Maybe it just wasn't the right thing for me, or maybe I'm just content with doing nothing at the current time.

Either way, I'm going to try and prioritize my own happiness over everything else. So, we'll see where the leads me. That's really all I can do, and if it ends up leading me down a path where I do literally nothing, then so be it?

So, no more depressing posts for now. I'm back to being okay.

I might be bipolar.

Hah.
 
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Let's go for some news that don't involve my personal life! Okay, sort of. I mean, nothing personal, just fun stuff! But it still concerns me. Just not in an important way.

I'm getting sidetracked here.

I started playing Might and Magic: Heroes VI once more. I mean, I got it a long time ago around Christmas as a gift, but back then I thought that the game was atrocious... And honestly? It was. Heroes of might and magic (now Might and Magic: Heroes) is easily my favorite strategy game franchise ever, and as such I have very high expectations for games of this series.

I like 2 quite a bit. 3 is the best one and the standard upon which every HOMM game should be judged, 4 was atrocious (and contributed to the death of 3DO the company that first created the franchise), 5 was pretty good and now... 6.

When 6 first came out, it was a terrible, clunky, bug-ridden game. It was missing features that have been a staple of the series for a long time (such as town screens... A simple feature, you go to build stuff, and you get an overview of your town's current state, usually in the form of a pretty moving picture)...

But now, the company who originally made the game (it was outsourced, I believe, Ubi didn't do it themselves) went and put out a rather large amount of patches for the game since I last played, and I have to say, the game is great now. They fixed many bugs, and added back features that were completely missing from the game (such as town screens, yay) and it's honestly pretty good to play so far, although I've yet to get 'too far' into it, so I will hold my final verdict.

But once again, I am getting the 'addictive' vibe that every (good) game in the Heroes of Might and Magic series has provided me with. This makes me a very happy camper... And I might look into the multiplayer aspect of this game a bit later on. Mostly with my roommate though, not terribly big on online shenanigans.

---

I played a bit more Magic: The Gathering tonight... With my roommate. He ended up buying a starter deck to 'try' it, and I played a few games against him, during which I switched around some cards and made 'fixes' to my deck. (I've had 4 boosters since starting, 2 that came with the 'intro' pack, and 2 I bought, so I had a few cards to switch around)

The final score was 4 to 0 for me... And my friend decided that he didn't like MTG. Not because he lost, mind you (or so he says, I think that might have had a part in it really) but because he doesn't like the style... Which is something I actually understand because of one simple fact:

Me and my friend have been playing the World of Warcraft TCG for quite a few years, and we've both grown accustomed to the rules, not to mention that we both love the WC universe. Honestly, I like MTG, but I think that the WoW card game is just more fun... Although, understandably, it doesn't have a following that's even a fraction of MTG's. But from a technical standpoint, I feel that some aspects of the WoW TCG are just more 'fun' like the resource management, for example.

Still, I enjoy both for their uniqueness... And as a result of my friend not playing anymore, I'm pretty sure I'll get his cards and do whatever the hell I want with them, hurray? I still need to convince myself to walk to that place and play a few games against people... I wish I just had friends who played the game though. :C

Oh well.
 
Dear diary.

I clipped my toenails tonight, there was a lot of blood, I have several band-aids on my toes now... Either I'm really terrible at it, or cutting my toenails is some kind of extreme sport. Also, my blood tastes like copper.

I'm thankful that this doesn't hurt much. I'm guessing I just clipped a bit of skin, but holy crap, that's a lot of blood.
 
Let's write about something weird! Sort of!

Okay, so I've been playing a hentai game... Not really to get my jolly on, but rather because I find the premise/characters interesting. I ended up digging up that title because of a picture I used in a RP some time ago, I tracked down the origin and found out that it was a game, which I am now playing. It's called 'Monster girl quest'.

And I must say, it's pretty good! Hell I'd even call it enjoyable. It plays mostly like a visual novel, of course, but it also has RPG style battles where you must actually actively avoid your character cumming while the various opponents dole out sexual attacks on your character. Of course, if you come you're treated to a rape scene, but if you win, you move on and there's actually 'no' sex. Although the game does have some forced sex scenes, I've only seen a handful so far and they're few and far between, which is either a curse or a blessing, depending on how you look at it. I consider it neither.

What I enjoy though is the characters and story. Encountering the various types of monster girl is nothing short of amusing, even if some are like 'oh god, he's not going to have sex with this is he?' in the event that you lose... And while the game does have rather 'gross' vore scenes, they have an option to skip them, which I have, thankfully, been using. It was pretty nice of the game to include this if you ask me.

The main character is your typical 'hero' who seeks to defeat the 'monster lord' but rather than doing it to get rid of monsters, he wants monsters and humans to coexist in peace... Near the beginning of his journey he's joined by an unlikely companion: A lamia girl named Alice. She'd rude, insulting, and constantly whines about wanting food... But soon, you figure out that there's more than meets the eyes to your companion, and the plot is actually pretty entertaining! There are also some other noteworthy characters such as 'The four heavenly knights' four monsters who work directly under the monster lord and have quite a bit of personality attached to them and so forth.

But yeah, I've been having a blast with this game. I normally find hentai games to be huge snoozefests, but this one is particularly enjoyable, even if most of the 'sex' scenes end up being rather 'eeeh', some of them can be rather good. I'm enjoying it for the game aspect of it, for the most part. So here's to that!
 
Insomniaaaaa... I can't seem to sleep properly recently, I sleep so very little in a day, and I feel tired all the time. I'm constantly going about my day while feeling like a damn zombie. Blargh.
 
It's been a while since I wrote here, hasn't it? But today I write because of something important. Today, I learned that a good friend of mine will be gone for an extended period of time... For 2 years...

That friend has been someone I've come to get used to having around, someone who was an emotional support to me simply by being there, simply by making my day a little better, even if they didn't realize it. And now, for 2 years, that will stop.

It's honestly like a part of my life being taken away. A very important part... One of the most important in fact. Thanks to that person, I never felt entirely 'alone', sure I felt lonely, but at least I knew that... Well, that person would be there for me, nearly everyday, doing their thing. Playing games, roleplaying and so forth. I had a lot of fun, I connected with that person, a lot... And without them, I will feel alone, quite a lot more than I do, or did.

And now, I have to say goodbye. Not for good, but for a long period of time.

It hurts, it really does. But all I can do is wish them the best, wish that they will have a great time, that their trip will turn out for the best... And that they'll have the time of their life. I want them to be happy, I really do, if only because of how much I care for them. No matter how sad I feel, no matter how much it hurts... All I want is for them to be happy.

... See you in 2 years, I'll be there. I'll be waiting, you can count on that.
 
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