I, to be blunt and forthright, am exhausted, in almost every sense; physically, mentally, and emotionally. That whole fiasco you may have read about with my ex caused me to have to move back in with my mother until I am able to get back onto my feet, both emotionally and physically(or rather, financially). This last week has been a testament and true test of my life as a single mother. My mother, bless her heart, got a job through Labor Ready, flagging because of the horrible weather - snow, ice, wind, rain - we have been having. It is a couple hours away and, as our truck is highly unreliable for long distances, she has been staying with a co-worker who lives closer to the preassigned job location. Well, because of this, I have been left as head of the household, essentially. I am experiencing the one hundred percent single mother lifestyle. Even when I was with my ex, I didn't have to do everything; there were rare times when the jerk would help out. For the last week that mom has been gone, I have been left to make sure my seventeen year old sister wakes up for school at 4am - generally this is okay, as I lean more toward being a night owl myself. I then cook breakfast, start the laundry, feed the kids, feed the pets, do the dishes, then repeat the cycle as lunch comes around, then dinner. I am not averaging a whole lot of sleep lately. Couple hours here and there, most of the time interrupted. That's where most of the physically exhausted notation is coming from.
I am more to the point of emotionally and mentally exhausted from most of my interactions with people. My ex has been drunk texting and drunk calling me; apparently wanted to beg me to come back to him and inform me that he would be asking me to date him again on my birthday. My fucking birthday. He knows - I have told him time and again - I have never, or very rarely have had, a good birthday. Divorces, earthquakes, fights, sick, homeless; yet, somehow, my abuser thinks it would be a good idea to stress me out on my birthday. Way to prove that you've changed, you selfish jerk.
Emotionally, I am wrestling with feelings I am uncertain about toward certain individuals(ie, more than one person here I am thinking of). Along with their actions, or words, I don't like to feel avoided and, one thing I absolutely hate, is excuses. If you don't want to see me, or don't return my feelings - etc etc - just tell me. I am a big girl, I'll move on. I give a lot of myself, I admit, more than I probably should, but I am an open, if somewhat shy, friendly person. I don't trust easily, that's a given after the life I've dealt with, but when I do, I just expect that trust to be cared for and not abused. Abusing my trust is something I don't take lightly.
All that aside, I'm actually in a fairly decent mood. Not depressed, or upset, just exhausted. Chin up, keep a smile on. There is always a silverlining if you look for it; if anything, I am further progressing into developing my abilities, limitations and skills, as an adult and a single mother. I'm a tough girl, shame on me if I say otherwise. ^_^
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