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Chaos Theory: Causing Hahvoc.

Re: Chaos Theory: Causing Hahvoc.

Not The Worst Night But What The Fuck​

I have found myself wondering what to do with myself at the moment. I have to take a shower and get dressed and go to work - mechanical things. I refuse to clean the apartment because my roommate arranged the party last night and stupid people who can't control themselves threw up on the couch and floor and towels and did a half-assed job of "cleaning" this morning. It was not something I wanted to deal with after being dropped an emotional bomb on top of me just mere hours before in which I bawled my fucking eyes out which hasn't happened in a very long fucking time.

The information given to me last night....I still don't know how to deal with it. He loves me, but he loves her more, it seems. But he still wants to be with me but he also wants her. I've never been in this state before and it's...I dunno. I can't just walk away. I can't just close myself off to him and just give him up completely. I can't just forget all the things that have been said. I don't hate her...I just don't know how this came about. I like her. She's pretty and funny and stuff like that...but I don't want to think about him talking to her like he talked-talks to me. In all honesty, I'm not jealous...just...upset with myself, I guess. I think. I'm not sure.

It's been a long time since I've allowed myself to love...to just let go of past hurts and open my heart. I don't want him to leave...he says he won't leave and that he won't let me walk away either. I just wonder if we'll get past it or if he'll choose. I won't force him to choose because I've never been that way. I won't make it a "it's me or her." But eventually...I feel...his heart will just choose for him and I'll be alone. I'll be alone again.

Funny how things cycle back to that one sentence.

I know I've hurt people in trying to find where my heart wants me to go, and it led me to here. I wonder what will become of this. I am not sure. I don't hate her, we are friends, I think, if she thinks so. I'm just...resigned that if he leaves, he'll be with her. I'm numb right now, I know. But it's the best way to deal for the moment because I really don't know how to deal with all of this. Things are okay with him, I can still laugh and such. But the depth of emotion is causing a chaos I cannot control and for that I am afraid. He says he doesn't deserve me, but the heart chooses for you who you deserve. I want him to stay because he means so much to me. But I cannot make him stay. I just hope my heart won't shatter like before.

Tonight he and I are gonna have a movie date and I picked out the movie. I think that will be a very good thing for us. Just something for us and to get minds off the hell that is existing like a black beast upon the horizon of heartache. I want what's best for him. What makes him happy. If I am not that...then I will let him go. What's that phrase..?

"If you love something set it free; if it comes back it's yours, if it doesn't, it never was."

But I always am thinking of the future and what might happen so for now...I will take a break and think of what I have right now and tomorrow but no further.​
 
Re: Chaos Theory: Causing Hahvoc.

To be honest, if he's in love with someone else, then he doesn't love you. But, my opinions of love are different. I believe in one soul touching love, rather than many. You can have love for friends, family, pets; but to me, those aren't the same. The love between strangers who come together passionatly is something that I personally think can only be shared with one person at a time during the present. I think it all depends on how you view it.

But, if you're upset about it, than obviously there's some realization that he could be just leading you astray.

Besides, who says that, "I love you, but I love her more." I was once told, in a sentence, when the word but is used, everything before that word does not matter.

Just a thought.
 
Re: Chaos Theory: Causing Hahvoc.

Emotions run so deep that they can trap you and drag you under like a rogue wave. You either get swept up or swept under. The thing about the heart is that it can be a fickle thing. Or, the brain makes it a fickle thing. I'm not quite so sure yet. A fractured heart hurts, but it will heal, like all the times before. But I know now that I can love again. I still do love, but it's okay now. I'm not upset, resigned, perhaps, and am going to probably cry later, but it will be all right. Because in the end, I'm always all right. I'm always okay. Even if it takes awhile, even if it hurts, even if it feels like tomorrow won't come or will be the end of everything. I will be okay again. I will meet new people, I will make goofy choices and decisions. I will continue to live. Because what do we have but life?​
 
Re: Chaos Theory: Causing Hahvoc.

Things will pass Hahvy. What won't kill you only makes you stronger. Let this one be a lesson in that it will only teach you to read deeper through someone in ways you thought you couldn't. Someone better will Always come along. That is until you find the right man in life. >.> but that's off topic. Anywho, don't let this bring you down to the point of self destruction or anything.
 
Re: Chaos Theory: Causing Hahvoc.

Today, I just realized I haven't really been sleeping. I'll sleep and wake up almost as tired as when I went to sleep. Stress is probably a root problem, but there is something else. I'm just tired of so many things. I'm happy but unhappy. I'm okay but sad. I'm alone but not alone.

My friend's aunt said one of the most insightful things about me and she's only met me twice.

"You observe people. You help people. You put their happiness before your own. You go through life unhappy because you feel like you don't deserve to be happy."

And I couldn't tell her that the last part wasn't true because it was true. All of it was true.



On a totally random note, I think something might be wrong with Ziggy and I'm gonna take him to the vet on wednesday.​
 
Re: Chaos Theory: Causing Hahvoc.

I might as well have failed organic chemistry since I have to take it again and I despise that class so much. I hate that I have to take it again. I hate that I have that mark on my GPA- I hate that I got less than a C. It seriously hurts to see that kind of grade. I feel so stupid even though I know I'm fucking smart. Seeing that just makes me feel like a complete idiot. I hate this. I really do.​
 
Re: Chaos Theory: Causing Hahvoc.

I might as well have failed organic chemistry since I have to take it again and I despise that class so much. I hate that I have to take it again. I hate that I have that mark on my GPA- I hate that I got less than a C. It seriously hurts to see that kind of grade. I feel so stupid even though I know I'm fucking smart. Seeing that just makes me feel like a complete idiot. I hate this. I really do.
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Look on the bright side - you'll have a leg up when you retake it, having gone through the course once already. AND at least you got it in a hard-ass course. Imagine how you'd feel if you got a D in Algebra I your freshman year of college. I admit, I was distracted by baseball and hardly ever in class but I'm good at math normally! Organic Chemistry, on the other hand, would have buried my ass 12 feet underground.
 
Re: Chaos Theory: Causing Hahvoc.

Seriously, I'd have failed outright. And I'm reasonably bright and pretty good at science. Chemistry has always been a weak point, so while it's a pain in the ass and there's GPA issues and all that... I don't think it's a mark against your character. You took a totally hard course and it kicked your ass -- no shame in that! Hell, I actually got my first low grade in college in Calculus. I guess I'm just not down with the raw maths.
 
Re: Chaos Theory: Causing Hahvoc.

I did fine on the quizzes but the exams were like "wtf." they didn't translate at all. And it's not one of those "oh well, that's okay!" things for me. I get As and Bs. I don't get Cs or Ds. I get college is different from high school but I'm not used to seeing myself getting lower than what I expect myself to get. It seriously is a mindfuck.​
 
Re: Chaos Theory: Causing Hahvoc.

I get college is different from high school but I'm not used to seeing myself getting lower than what I expect myself to get. It seriously is a mind fuck.
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Sometimes its good to get a reminder that we're human, to teach us to set our sights a little lower or to help us learn how to handle not being perfect. Consider this fate's way of reminding you. When it boils right down to it, it's only a grade. Sure, it affects your GPA, which might or might not affect your future career, but ultimately, it's just a grade. And who's to say it didn't happen for a reason, that maybe, when you retake the course next year, you'll meet Mr. Right or make that future job connection or some such. Life is weird like that. Just learn to take moments like these and grow in some way, shape, or form from them. That's all you can ultimately do in the long run.
 
Re: Chaos Theory: Causing Hahvoc.

Organic chemistry is the bastard science. It takes all the worst parts of the other sciences and combines them into one horrific monstrosity. I know what you mean about the mindfuck and how tests never seem to be like the homework and quizzes. It's like, "WHAT THE FUCK? D: Where did this come from?! From what bowels did this spring from?"
 
Re: Chaos Theory: Causing Hahvoc.

For serious, Trouble! Our class average was like 65 or something.

And I get that I can't be a perfectionist in my grades, but I can damn well try. D; It's just hard not having the grades I used to have in high school. Biology is a really hard major and I'm trying to be in the top percents- and it's hard- but I like the challenge. It's just Orgo is like "WTF WTF WTF" and the biology stuff is like "omg, I love it."​
 
Re: Chaos Theory: Causing Hahvoc.

Going to Europe in a week and will be gone for ten days followed by a day in Boston with my Navy friend Chris. Can't wait.​
 
Re: Chaos Theory: Causing Hahvoc.

--+Hahvoc Requiem+-- said:
Going to Europe in a week and will be gone for ten days followed by a day in Boston with my Navy friend Chris. Can't wait.​
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I WANNA GOOOO D:!

*jealous* I will miss you lovelove <3 AND YOUR MAGNIFICENT CAWK!

Send me a postcard ja? XD
 
Re: Chaos Theory: Causing Hahvoc.

--+Hahvoc Requiem+-- said:
Going to Europe in a week and will be gone for ten days followed by a day in Boston with my Navy friend Chris. Can't wait.​
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you're going to have such a freakin' blast!!!!!!!
and have fun in boston too. it's a fun city. if you can, while there, hit up mike's pastry in the north end. it's on hanover street. best stuff ever!!! i rec their chocolate chip canolis and lobster claws. XD
 
Re: Chaos Theory: Causing Hahvoc.

TOMORROW IS WHEN I LEAVE FOR EUROPE!

>8U GET IT RIGHT.

I'll be on later today cause I have the desktop at my parents' house- but the connection will be shitty and cut out every like...FIVE minutes. But it's better than no internet.

But I have work right now until 1, so I'll be here until then and then off to deal with lots of packing and shit.​
 
Re: Chaos Theory: Causing Hahvoc.

Updates​

Ireland was FUCKING AMAZING. I bought tons of shit that I'll model off later but the country was gorgeous. I want to live there and just immerse myself in the culture and sounds and places and just melt into it all and absorb it. I felt like I belonged there, finally belonged somewhere. If I could have my friends and family there, it would have been my sanctuary and perfect place. I'm heavily considering taking a semester at Trinity College.

I have found that this trip has given me a bit more confidence, more settlement in my skin. There are still things I want to change but I find that I'm a bit more eager to live. Really live. I feel like I've been stagnant for too long- that I've been living like I'm not alive- to borrow some lyrics. If I want things to be different, I need to do something to make it happen. I'm going to let myself be happy a little bit. I deserve a little happiness right?

I'll be home on Sunday and plan on having a great time. I want to be state-side now, but I'm content though tired. If only I was bar legal now. Would make things easier. Haha.​
 
Re: Chaos Theory: Causing Hahvoc.

I have found that this trip has given me a bit more confidence, more settlement in my skin. There are still things I want to change but I find that I'm a bit more eager to live. Really live. I feel like I've been stagnant for too long- that I've been living like I'm not alive- to borrow some lyrics. If I want things to be different, I need to do something to make it happen. I'm going to let myself be happy a little bit. I deserve a little happiness right?
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I'm very glad to hear this my friend! And you are right - if you want things to be different, you need to do something to make it happen! I wish you the best of luck in this new journey you are about to embark on!
 
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