ItsTheWriter's Triumphs, Failures, & Everything in Between

[ItsTheWriter]

Hello everyone or, at least, to myself reading this far into the future. I decided to start writing my thoughts each day. My anxieties and fears that plague me, alongside the feelings of triumph and determination that pushes me forward. It would be a struggle otherwise to keep hiding these feelings and only showing them to the few that know me. Nevertheless, I really do hope things get better.

February 13, 2019
Here I am, in the cafeteria of my college. It rained while I biked over here. At least I pulled out my water-resistant backpack before I came. This morning I came out of a rather depressive evening. it was as if all motivation seemed to have slipped out of my grasp. I talked to my girlfriend last night over the phone. It was nice until my mood began to change. I don't know the cause of it. Maybe it was a feeling of emptiness, or maybe it was something else. I still have a hard time figuring it out even as one who studies Psychology. It feels weird that I could make others happy but I can never seem to make myself that way. Who knows? I'm just probably making it hard on myself. For the past few days, I was on a studying binge. My focuses were on studying for the test tomorrow since I wanted to start the semester on a bright note. I worry though that sometimes my drive to pursue a good grade takes me away from my family and friends. There were times where I spent the night alone with my nose in the books rather than in the sanctity of friends. I really miss them.

There are times when I wish I didn't go to college. Times where I wish I were home with the people who loved me. I feel so estranged among this sea of peers. Like an alien among my own species. Its been already about 8 months since I moved to a four-year university. Even though I'm only an hour away from home, it's just not the same. Eating alone, studying alone. Living alone. Its as if I cornered myself into a pit known as possible depression. Thinking about it now, maybe that's the reason why my mood dropped. I just lacked meaningful contact with my friends and family for so long. Don't get me wrong, I call my girlfriend often. Most days, in fact, I sleep with her on the other end of the line. It helps take away this feeling of nothingness. However, I know that there are times where with even her on the other end, I can't help but feel alone. If my girlfriend ever reads this, don't blame yourself. It was my choice, after all, to study instead of being with my friends. There's no one to blame other than me.

I remember, a long time ago I saw a triangle with a word written in each corner. It was like this:

Good Grades - Social Life - Sleep

You can only choose two.

I never realized how true it was until now.

At least I understand the importance of studying. I just wish I could balance all three no matter how difficult it is. I just forget at times that it is just that. Difficult

 

[ItsTheWriter]

Valentines Day, 2019
Happy valentines day. I really hope you all find yourselves a rather peaceful evening. One either full of romance or sweets that could capture a feeling like no other. I hope you all find the best in what you're looking for. As for me in the future, hey Writer. If you ever have a problem when it comes to relationship advice, just know this. Ask yourself, is it worth fighting for? If it is, hold it and never let go. Do your absolute best. Temper your determination and strength with wisdom and understanding so you may break through whatever obstacles stand in your way.

Unlike yesterday, I had a much better day today. Today is a day of triumph. I took a test that I was studying all week for. It was tough, as I was counting my expected grade. At a minimum, I should be expecting a B. At maximum, at least an A-. Hopefully, the odds are in my favor today. I want to make my girlfriend, friends, and family proud. I mean, if you choose to live right next to your university, you might as well use your time wisely right? One day, I'll be the hero my friends and girlfriends want. They were the reason why I took psychology in the first place. I wanted to better understand their behavior and steer them in a positive direction. Although I know that I can't replace a psychologist, the least I could do is offer advice to either seek counseling or making positive changes in their life that have a significant impact. I'm also slacking a bit on my recent homework assignment. Oof. Ah well, time to keep trudging my way forward.

I also was guaranteed a better place with people who don't drink alcohol or smoke weed. Of course, I don't mind if people do so. I just prefer it if they don't do it where I sleep. I wouldn't want my college to think that I'm a stoner because the smell is all over my clothes. Nor do I want to drink right before a major test. I understand that Alcohol is a social drug. I just wish it didn't come with the side effect of damaging the brain. Especially when I'm paying so much to learn. I wouldn't want to waste it all away for a night of debauchery. I also don't want to influence my girlfriend into participating in bad habits because I do them. It's strange that I have underclassmen who call me senpai. They're just in high school, but they mean a lot to me. I spent much of my childhood with them even though they were so much younger. I hope they never lose sight of their goals. I understand I'm having high expectations, but its moreover because I want to see them succeed rather than to see them struggle.

I'm feeling a lot better today. Enough so where I have a sudden mood high. Is that a thing? Maybe I need to ask myself if that's normal. Ah well, I might as well take advantage of it while it still lasts. Maybe one day, I could be the difference that my parents need. Oh, I wish they would take care of themselves better. I keep trying to push them to go to the gym for their own lifespan, but they are usually tired. I have a few fears about losing them. Each time I spend with them, I treasure. You never know when you lose the people you love most. The least you can do is tell them I love you before you go. It's a better farewell than goodbye. Anywho, I hope you have a great day. Happy valentines day.

 

[ItsTheWriter]

2/18/19
No failures or triumphs, just a bit of an update. I finally decided to renew my lease at the student housing. A bit of me worries about it as it's more expensive just to get my own room. Another part of me seems rather excited as well. I get to be with new and better roommates, I get to learn how to cook, and I could finally talk to my girlfriend at night without having to worry about sounding a little immature. I don't want to embarrass myself in front of my roommates since I'm practically stuck to them. However, I move during August so it's still pretty far away. My roommate is moving in less than a month. I really do hope that I find someone better. At least someone who is a student in the same college that I go to. Its a lot easier for them to sleep at the right time and not have sex with girls inside of my room. It was fine until I found a condom underneath my bed. I had to think. The only reason why it would be underneath my bed is if my roommate banged a girl on top of my bed. My friends are telling me to get revenge on him for doing that but I don't think I have the energy or care to do it. It's just too much trouble you know? Maybe I'm rather passive, but I don't want to get caught in anything that'll get me evicted.

My other roommate got evicted around a month ago but still has his stuff laying around our place. He's a gang member so it worries me when his friends come along to visit. I told him that it made me feel rather uncomfortable but so far, he hasn't quite held on his promise well. Someone is moving in to take his place so I hope that this interaction goes rather peacefully. Especially because that guy knows where we live. He was the reason why my other roommate's Xbox one disappeared. I wouldn't want to say that everything changed since then but it seemed to be the case. Maybe the reason why I chose to renew elsewhere for a higher price was to escape this unpleasant place. I just hope that I could make the money to help cover the extra costs of the new place once the next semester starts. I'm worried that the office is ripping me off as well. They said they were going to remove a $200 dollar renewal fee. I'm still waiting for it to be taking out but its been a few days. Maybe if I storm in, I could get the fee waived. To be honest, I'm rather tempted on that option.

On the bright side, I'm going to be learning how to cook better soon. I'll need to save money and living on a fast food only diet can get you so far each week. My friends are constantly telling me that I should, I'm just worried that I'll be terrible at it. Ah well, if I don't put any time into a practice, I would never get any better on it. That can be the case for anything. Apparently I'm very good at learning when I need to from the Psychologists at my college. I don't want to be too optimistic and be unrealistic, but I really want to get better at cooking. It'll help my family out in terms of breaking even in cost and work.

Oh. Last thing. Everyone else gets to have a day off today except for me. My college chooses to have April 1st off instead of today. I also forgot my keys last night so I had to travel an extra two hours back and forth for it. yay. To whoever visits this, I hope you have a good day. Especially to you, Writer from the future.