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TheDarkerMe's Place of Thoughts

T

TheDarkerMe

Supernova
Joined
Jan 11, 2009
Location
Oregon
So I've said a lot of big things lately, and I plan a lot of even bigger things. I've got so much I plan on doing to and for myself. My life isn't going to be easy, and I thought that having a journal might help. Just write out whatever I want, whenever I want. Make my feelings come out a bit more, and make myself feel a little more affirmed in my beliefs of myself.

I've been having a bad day today, fighting the depression is a major bitch. I have things I want, and need, to get done. This isn't helping at all. Haven't eaten anything yet today either. I'm the kinda person that if I force myself to eat, when I am not in the mood, I'll end up vomiting. Not a pretty thought. But I am worried cause I have been awake since about 11 in the morning, and I haven't eaten anything.

Actually, you know what... I'll worry when it's 6 in the afternoon, about not having eaten.

I'm in a really big 'FUCK THE WORLD' sorta mood. Dunno why, just the way I am right now. May be because I am sick and tired of putting on that bright and fake smile, and watching everyone around me be happy. I sacrifice what I want, so that those I care for will be happy. It's a nice thing to do, but I am sick and tired of doing it.

I mostly do it with my family, and some of my friends. Sacrifice my happiness, for their greater good. Like today, I haven't even been awake for two hours. Haven't been overly active online, but I've managed to get not only all my chores done... But I'm already contemplating on going and just doing everyones shit as well.

Though seriously, how will they learn to do it... if I do it for them? That's my dilemma.

I am so angry, but not in the mood to vent on anyone. Once again, self-sacrificing is kicking me in the ass. Don't wanna make anyone have any hurt feelings, cause almost EVERYONE is on my 'Fuck the World' list, right now.


Gods... Trying to destroy Depression, is such a bitch.
 
I feel like I'm in such a violent mood today. It's so odd. I went out of my way to find the delinquents in the neighborhood, which I usually avoid doing, just so I could see if I could get some fun. No dice, not a single one to be had around. Either they where all downtown, or they where all out with significant others.

So I walked home, and found a little first person shooter online. Played for about fifteen minutes, and got fucking bored of it. I wanna see blood, so badly right now. I don't know why I'm so violent, so angry. But I've managed to keep it in firm control. Asides for the going out and looking for trouble bit.

Some little part of me is just waiting for someone to start a fight with me. Just to start something so I have something to do. I need to find a better way to channel my violent energies. Don't have anything else asides for going out and beating the fuck outta a tree, or something. Probably a post would be better, but last time I did that almost broke my ankle.

Busted a pillow already, and pulled a muscle while hauling my brother Krystoff around. Apparently he doesn't have to listen to me. Gods, I am so glad that I have such a firm grasp of control over myself right now. Otherwise I'd probably plummet over the edge and go on a rampage.

Thank you self-control. Gods, I really am a master of my own mind.
 
After a rather long nap, actually passing out basically, I come to find my mood has changed. I'm much more mellow, and evened out. My mood easier on my mind. I'm not depressed anymore, that's a bonus. Still I wish I had someone that I could actually talk to. Everyone seems so busy, and I hate being left on the wayside.

Makes me feel forgotten and alone. Makes me feel that people just don't care about me anymore. That ALMOST kicks in the depression and fear, but for some reason my mind is just so mellow right now. So just utterly empty and uncaring about situations. I hear screaming coming from outside, I peak my head out for a precursory look. I don't see any damage that could need my immediate attention, so I return to what I am doing.

It seems in the process of breaking something that I have been in for awhile, it also makes a lot of odd effects result. Old habits die hard, I wonder how hard old depression is to change. But I have the power to master my own mind, and I will do so.
 
So I walk this fine line of control, and it drives me steadily mad. I have come to find that controlling my sexual appetites and my depression at the same time is dangerous. I haven't felt any heavy sexual moods in the last few days.(Since about Sunday) Yes I have a wet dream or two, but I don't let them effect my waking moods.

I took control of my depression today. With it gone I realized that my main emotion that was hidden beneath the depression, was rage. It took awhile to take ahold of that. When I had managed it, I realized I was waking up. I felt really dull, and empty. Kind of achy and wondering what was wrong with me.

I've come to the assumption, that too much control is a bad thing. But having the depression under control is my first major step to the road of recovery. Since I woke up, I've had not a single depressing thought. The only thing I've wanted was intelligent conversation. Something to stimulate my mind, not my sex drive.

Sex is insignificant at this moment. I won't be having any of it for months, so what's the point dwelling on it. I may slowly work some masturbation into my control set up, and see how well I can still keep control of my urges... and have a little fun. Though it's lost most of it's appeal, I can't seem to find anymore places new that I can get to, to do it in. Adrenaline rushes are so much fun, the thrill of getting caught...
 
Apathy melts away, and suddenly I'm pining. I miss you terribly, even though it's been days since we saw each other. I feel like a stupid child that needs it's safety net. I don't like this feeling, such complete and utter misery and missing you. I think about you too much, and I lose control of what I have been mastering. I'm not back in my depression, but I want you. I miss you, and I wish I could be held in your arms one last time... Before we both part ways for so long.

I'll keep my memories as fresh as possible, remember how you held me. Till next we meet.
 
Going to be talking to a professional dominant, tomorrow night. About my rising penchant for pain. Seems as of late I've been craving it. I find the thoughts of getting struck with implements, that previously scared me, to be quite appealing. Hmmm dunno how long the talk will go. Will have to see what results from it.
 
Good morning, to any and all reading this. Since I know SOMEONE is reading this journal. I can see the viewings go up just a smidgen.

I've had a decent morning, had a hellish night. Hot as hell, and I crave the sweet solitude of a chilly basement. Nothing like sleeping in... nothing, and still feeling like your wrapped in thick cotton. Geesh, fucking hell.

The morning hasn't been too bad. Supposed to head over to Vancouver, to pick up some food for the animals at the feed mill... As well as hit up Celestial Awakenings to snag myself a few crystals I've been missing. A Quartz Crystal, a Snowflake Obsidian, and an Onyx. Need to get all of those, probably a hematite too.

I've been doing a lot of things, and mentally preparing myself for the time to come. It's going to be difficult as fucking hell, I'm gonna be doing a lot I'm not used to. More then likely, the first week I'm in Texas, I'll be a royal bitch online. I'm not used to consistent HEAVY labor, nor am I used to lots of sun.

I'll be burned, and I'll be hurting, and I'll just want someone that will understand that and just deal with the fact that it's the pain talking not me. Something I'll be working on, not taking out my problems on others. So it'll be a good opportunity for me to learn that form of control.

My whole life has been about nothing but control. Now it's my time to take control of myself, and see where things will go.

I have a few offers of places to live, when I get back from Texas. All a matter of making shit, and selling it. So that I have money for the move. Cause once I move, and I have a place to live definitely for a month or two, I can work on getting a job...

I can't have a job where I live now.

Mmmm kinda distracted, missing my friends and my love...
 
Going to cut short my conversation with the professional Dominant, tonight. Just going to put it to an hour or two. Anyone that knows me personally in real life, and wants to talk... PM me because tonight is my last really open night. Since tomorrow night my friend Ducky (SirenMarina) will be over the whole time. I have 23 minutes on my phone, and if you don't care about me calling you, I have a home phone with free long distance.

Fuck, hard to think I only have two more nights at where I live. Then I'll be gone till the end of August. It's a fucking AMAZING feeling!
 
I hope that tomorrow is better then today. Sure I got what I needed, but a lot of other stuff happened that propelled me towards nearly losing control on my lack of depression. Almost, almost lost that control. If I lose all others, that is the one that I still need to control. I do not need to be depressed, I do not have to be in that state. I will fight it, and no matter how much I want to just break down. I am stronger then that, and I will not like anyone bring me down. Not any longer.

I hang out with Ducky tomorrow. As well as Toni, and Yuki. Inu's coming too, so this should prove interesting. Let's see if I can keep my mood up. Something that I am desperately needing to do. I shall have fun tomorrow, it's my last day in Portland. For Saturday morning I get on a plane and head so far away. *sighs* This'll be tough, but I have a path to walk... and I will walk it.

And though my heart breaks, and I feel that I have failed a few people in a small way... I'm not going to let myself be dragged by it. It's all my mind playing against me, I am not a failure... Not in any way.

I am a Goddess, of my own mind. I am a Goddess, of my own body. Gods be damned! I will not allow myself to be brought down by things that I do not need to be brought down by.
 
The fear creeps in on me. I have one night left in the place of which I reside. Then I am gone for almost three. The fear creeps up because of the unknown. Usually I adore the unknown, revel in it, but today... not so much.

I have so many plans for today, but more then anything there was something I wanted to do. Something I cannot do, so if a certain someone is reading my journal I want him to know that I don't care anymore. I don't care if I don't get to talk to him at all before I leave, because I have my memories. Be happy, is all I ask. Be happy, kick some ass, and have some fucking fun.

Please.
 
Oh Fuck, Oh Fuck, Oh Fuck! Gods be damned, thought I kicked this anxiety bullshit. Now I look at the time, and I realize how little time I have left in the place I live. Why is it, when you are about to do something big... you realize all the other things you forgot to do? Or think you didn't do enough of. Blood Hell, this is an annoyance. I guess I'll try and do a call out to everyone here in my journal, lame I know... but it'll make things a smidgen easier on me. I'd use your real names, but spelling and identities(dunno if you even want your name out there) keep me from it.

Trygon:

Not much actually to be said, that I haven't said. I understand your situation, may not understand it from your perspective... but I understand massive quantities of stress and irritations. I love you, and will cherish my memories of our time. They'll help me get through the rough spots, while I'm in Texas.

DJ:
Seriously, thanks for the offer. I'll be looking into it, once I get back and have the cash. Transportation is the biggest issue, but I'll work on what I have to do, alright? I may have not said it aloud, but I think you are a fucking awesome person. I enjoy whenever we hang out, though I don't seem to act it. I have this problem with social situations, but you guys are curing me of it. We gotta talk more though, cause I know crap about you... and seriously that's suckage.

Kaios:
Thanks for all the help, no seriously. You've been a great help to me when times have gotten rough sometimes. You're a really nice guy, have a lot of problems. Good-luck.

Mr.Sunshine:
Ok, I have to say that one of my best times hanging out was when I wounded your hand. Yeah, I know that sounds a little stupid, but it was fun as HELL. What I love(and I do mean love) most about hanging out with you is the fact that I don't have to hold back ANYTHING. You let me be as open of a book as I fucking want. Do you know how much fun that is? You, more then all of Trygon's companions, have helped me with my expansion as a social person.

Razz:
I only met you less then a week ago. You seem like and awesome person, and I can't wait to see what you are working on. Also my rave name? Bitch XD Have you actually listened to the song? XP It makes me giggle how I can be compared to such a substance. So apparently I am:
Quick
Clean
Pure
and Addictive

Oh and I can change someones life...

Wait have I changed someone's life? I sure to fucking hell think I have! Maybe I am such a substance O.O Fuck me!!!

Hellosquirtle:
Ok, I have to admit first time I hung out with you. Holy hell! You where like a ball of... of... FUCK, I can't even think of a proper analogy. Do you know how much I opened up at your house alone. Sure I didn't talk overmuch, or about much... but I had SO much fun. By the way, I'm going to introduce myself to playing video games, so sometime me and you have to sit down and play. I promise not to button mash!

When I get back from Texas, I'll work on that Iron Seamstress thing with you, alright?

Everyone else in Bremerton/Seattle:
I'm going to fucking miss you guys, like a Con-Goer craves Pocky and Ramune. I'm going to miss all of the people that I met, and have interacted with while in Bremerton and Seattle. You all mean a lot to me, you're like a family away from my family. Sometimes, it's what we need to better ourselves as a person.


Oh and Loviotor, since I know you peek in and read this you lurker... I love you, though I didn't say it much before you left. I have had a lot going on, and a lot of problems I am fixing with myself. I hope the new me is someone you will still love. Not hope, forget it... I know you will always love me, you're like a best friend to me.


Anyways, that's all I have to say. Really, for now. I'll probably write something up while a word document is up, and then also post a journal entry about my first day. I'll be doing that everyday, to the best of my ability. Watch me grow and bloom, I'll become the flower I was meant to be.
 
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