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I'm no longer sorry

Queen of the Damned

Queen of the Damned

Come join the coven
Joined
Jul 28, 2012
Im sorry im the annoying friend that constantly tries to text you. You would think i would have figured it out by now that you arent interested in talking to me. Im sorry that i get passive aggressive when upset. Im sorry that you rather spend your time with other people but is forced to entertain me. Im sorry if i made you feel obligated to me.

I wont hold you back anymore. I wont text you to see how you are doing or just to chat. I wont force you hang out with me or to spend your day doing something that you hate. I wont make you things that you rather not wear but do so because you dont want to hurt my feelings. I wont make you drive with me and call them adventures.

Ill keep my distance and hope for the best but know that its going to end worst. Knowing that you no longer care but too afraid to say anything. I get it. People change and they grow up... They grow apart. I didnt think it would happen to us but it did. Im sorry it took me so long to figure it out.

Im sorry.
 
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I don't know why my heart hurts so much. Or why tears keep streaming from my face. I knew this day was coming, I just didn't think you would agree so quickly. You see, I have a lot more to lose than you. While you finally get rid of that annoying, needy person, I lose my best friend. While you have your boyfriend to tell secrets to and to tell all your problems to, I have no one. I will be truely alone and that's my biggest fear. And that the loneliness will swallow me whole.
 
Update on the "best friend" thing:
So I tried talking to him and finally he answered. At first he said ok when. I told him that we shouldn't be friends anymore. After 15 years of friendship and you would think that he would say more than ok. Me being me, and stupid at that, I tried talking to him, letting him know what was making me mad and that I still wanted to be friends, but if he didn't then I would back off.

After what seemed to be 10 or 11 text (I can't remember and I deleted him out of my phone but we'll get to that later) he finally answered me telling me that he doesn't have the time that he use to but he still wanted to be friends. He said that he was moving and things were crazy. The thing is, we had planned on moving in together since high school; our friend Zach, him, and i. But now suddenly he decides that he's going to move in with a guy that he's only been dating for 7 months. He told me that it was going to be about two months until we could hang out. I'm sorry do I look like a girl who waits around?? Fuck no.

I've had friend who didn't make an effort to talk to me or even text me. Do you think I'm going to treat him differently just because he's been my best friend for so long?? You guess it. No.

I've pretty much cried the last of my tears about him. It may hurt knowing that he rather play house with this guy than to simply text his so called best friend but he doesn't deserve my tears.

Oh and he's the kicker. So I told him that you know that what hurt the most was because he never texted me. Not once in the last week. And that I felt like I was being ghost (because the little cúl tóna did it with his friend who tried to call him to talk about stressful things that she couldn't handle and he went through it). So I think I texted him maybe 5 times explaining my feelings. This was around 1 or 2 o'clock. And I still haven't heard from him.

You know I'm glad he's moving in with his boyfriend. I'm glad that I can buy my own place instead of having flaky bff's who doesn't give two shits about the people whise seen him at his worst. And when his boyfriend dumps him for seeing him as he really is, I really hope that he comes crawling back so I can say, I'm sorry were you expecting me to stay put. You made plans without me, so I moved on without you.

#sorry#notsorry
 
I keep going back and forth with my emotions. At one point, I'm angry that you don't care enough to see how I've been doing. On the other end, I'm sad. But tears don't fall, they don't even threaten to spill anymore. It's more like a numbing sadness. Like I know I'm sad but I think I just dont cry any more for you because I know you haven't cried me. What's worst is you probably don't even think of me, cause if you did, you would have contacted me.

The sadness comes more than the anger. In the last couple of days there had been things that had happened, like I had a job interview and was thrown off because the guy who my age who was cute. Or how I was watching porn and suddenly got a bleedy nose like in anime or in manga. Or how my dad sat me down and told me I should go seek professional help cause he thinks I'm depressed, and I am. And after each and one of these things, all I wanted to do was text you or call you. But you asked for distance and I can't force you to talk to me, no matter how funny or how embarrassing or sad it was.

The only thing that feels right is to write in this. And I know people can read this. But writing it out, even if it's public, helps me. And I know people have gone through it. Hell, this isn't the first time I've lost a best friend. But it hasn't hurt like it did the past as it does now. But maybe, in the future, I can look back on these entries and think, wow I am so much stronger now. Until then, I will have to keep writing.



By the way, I do want to say thank you to all the people that have reached out to me. Thank you for letting me cry, bitch, and rant.
 
I say I'm done. I say that you aren't worth my tears because I know deep down you aren't probably thinking of me. I say that when you come crawling back, I'm going to slam that door on you


But we all know I'm not. Tears still fill my eyes when something happens to me and the first thing I want to do is text you about it. It's funny because there are two sides when I talk about what's going on. There is the side of my mom and my aunt (basically the two closest people in my life). They hate your guts for making me feel this way. If my aunt could, I'm sure you would be buried in the ground (not thats she able to, she can barely stand without being in pain from surgery). And then there is the optimistic side. The side where they say to give it time and he'll come around.

My hand itch to text you. Just to remind you that I'm still here. But yet I want you to feel my pain. The sad part is I do text you and you never answer. So I'm convinced that you either don't care or you've blocked me so you don't have to read how much I miss you.

It's Christmas in a couple of days. And this will be the first time in 10 years that we won't celebrate it together. We won't go to the store and pick out each other's gifts. We won't sit and watch a movie.

And tomorrow I'm finally picking my stuff up. It seem surreal to be doing so. I don't know what's going to be worst, if you're there or if you aren't. But if you are, I won't talk to you. I will pretend you aren't there and when you ask why I'm not talking, I'll simply turn around and say what's left to talk about.
 
Day 7
Still haven't heard from. It kills me because I got somewhat exciting news and he was the first person I wanted to tell. But of course he's too busy playing house with his boyfriend. I went over his parents house (where he was living) to get my stuff and a couple of things happened.
1st. He didn't get me all my stuff. Now I don't know if he just forgot or he didn't care but I do. There are some candle making equipment in there that cost me over $60.
2nd. I talked to his sister and while she didn't want to get into the middle of it (because even though he's her biological brother, I'm like the sister she never got) so I understand. But she told me that he's been acting weird.

Now every once in a while I get these dreams where they could happen. I honestly think they are the power of suggestion but this dream would make sense if it was true. So while I was texting him and wanting him to respond, all he said was okay. Okay to ending our friendship after 15 years. At first it pissed me off. Then he wouldnt text me again for another 24 hours even though I know he was off work and was able to text. He said that we should take time away from each other and said something along the lines of moving into a new place in the next two months. Now these should have been a key to me cause we've always talked about moving in together and suddenly he's talking about moving without me??

Something is fishy. I don't know if it was his boyfriend who got a hold of his phone and been sending me text or if something else is going on but now I'm worried. I would just go over to his house and see what's up but he's never there and I don't know where his boyfriend lives. And whenever I tried contacting him, he never text me back.
 
Well it's been almost a whole month without him speaking to me. I try texting him, needing to talk to him about things but I think he blocked me. It hurts knowing that he doesn't want to talk to me. That he now has a new life that I appreciately am not invited to be a part of.

My biggest dream of being alone has come true and the one person that I want to talk to isn't talking to me. I don't know what I did wrong.
 
So it's almost 4 months without my best friend talking to me. I still don't know why he suddenly decided we were no longer best friends. It's not like I havent tried. But at this point I feel more like I'm harassing him more than anything. I just don't know what to do and it sucks cause tomorrow is his birthday and this will be the first time in 15 years that we didn't celebrate it together. I have a gift for him but not sure if I should give it to him. Will he throw it away?? Send it back?? Or just keep it and not even thank me.

You know I've been through something like this before, where a friend feels like we are drifting apart but they at least told me. We're still friends but it's more like if he's in town then we meet up. Other than that we don't text or talk. But not my best friend. I've even told him that he didn't want to be friend than just to tell me. I much rather know then wonder what I did.

It's interesting. In one of the last texts he sent me, he told me that they (him and his boyfriend) were moving into a new place. Now this won't have bothered me but
1. We had always planned on moving in together
2. Every time I went to look for a place, I took all his stuff in consideration but never for mine
3. He never told me once that he didn't want to live with me anymore
Anyways so he told me this in a text but when I see pictures on Instagram (we still follow each other) I see him at the same place he was before.

I'm just sick of wondering. I wish he would just tell me what I did so I could either fix it or move on.
 
5 months
I'm in the mourning stage. I've accepted that he will never talk to me or tell me what happened or how we got to this point. And I'm fine with that. I mean there are still days when something funny happens and he's the first person I want to tell about. But now whenever I tell a story involving him, I use the phrase my ex best friend. And people as me about it, I say it's a long story.

One thing has helped me through the frustrations of it all is kickboxing. At first I was pretending that the bag was his face and while that helped a little, I decided that I needed to move on. He isn't going to talk to me and even if he does, I can honestly say I don't want anything to do with him.

After a lot of thinking, it's made me realized that he was an asshole. 1.this isn't the first time he's ghosted on of his friends. 2. Any time I said I was going to get an animal (whether it was a fish or dog) he said no like he was my mother and I was a child. Then turned around a adopted a cat. 3. Anytime he decided he was going to pursue in anything (college, YouTube, crochet) I would support him or give him advice when I thought it was a bad choice. But nooooo not him, when I wanted to go back to school, he all but told me I would never make it. 4. Anytime i felt like I was third wheel when it was him, his boyfriend, and I, he would tell me that I was wrong for having those feelings. Even though when us three would "hang out" they would whisper to each other, or kiss, or just talk to each other but wouldn't talk to me for the longest time.

Anyways I'm in mourning the death of my friendship with my best friend. I'm not alright but I'm getting there
 
10 months

Well he finally messaged me back to say happy birthday and I told him to go fuck himself. You would think after not hearing from me after 5 months of me begging and pleading for him to talk to me to suddenly going silent, would give him the hint that I don't give a fuck anymore.

In other news I started talking to be friend that I had a falling out with back in 2013. It's so interesting cause I haven't talked to her in almost 6 years and it feels like how it was before
 
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