The thought of replying gets heavy. Not because its a hassle, but because there's so many things I want to say, do, and show you. But something greater pulls me towards a different decision. I share the feeling myself when it comes to replying to you. Things seem so clear to begin with, but after a little while, thinking about you and the preciously chosen words; they fall bland and indecisive - And uncertain.
Sadly, I can only relate to the times we were together. Sadly - because I want to be able to form replies and sentences from a non-bias point of view. That you are often happy makes me happy. That you have been able to get in a place in your life where you feel your days filled with cheer and have people around you who help you get those places. Especially that you're able to get out of your dark holes more easily. It tells me you're on the right way in that department. I encourage you to continue down that path that helps you in that way, whatever it might be.
Other than being stupid*Sticks tongue out*, then I don't see why you'd be doubtful of yourself. You're gorgeous and amazing - bet nobody told you that today, huh? Well, they should - because you are. The men if your life have indeed shaped your mindset - something I am jealous about. I really wish I could meet your brother - despite being half brother. The stories you told me about him made him sound really cool and made me think that I'd get along with him really well. I am sorry to hear that you don't feel chosen every day though. Hell, I don't feel that way, but I was hoping someone made you feel that way given the... circumstances I am aware of. Though, there are those relationships where they say that despite not being chosen every day - as long they're chosen at the *end* of the day, it's what matters. Can't say which I am partial to the latter saying, but you deserve to be chosen more often than you are then!
I'm really sorry to hear that you've been hurt by your family. I know the feeling all to well - which is why I have forsaken them. Family isn't determined by blood. It's determined about who people are and what they do for you. Hopefully you are able to find a new family, expand, or... start your own.
I'm really happy to hear that you treasure my good hopes for you. Even after what I am going to write now, I will always hope that you are doing well and cared for. Hey - you were once my little fox. ...And I was your dragon. While we might not sleep together(not the naughty way, silly) - I still care for you. Do you remember when we first got together. When we first looked at each other and smiled, saying - "Hey... Let's go down this path - together."? It was then I said I was afraid. We were talking about graves, and everything about you seemed so whimsical. Whimsical as Morteza is to Gomez. This just... clicked. They clicked so well! And I told you that I was afraid. Afraid that all the pain I had endured till then was for nothing because of how easy things seemed to you. That all the pain made me a strong person that could handle anything - something that wasn't needed to handle because things went so well with you. Well... As afraid I was then - it turned out I had nothing to be afraid of.
Ever since I said I'd leave Blue Moon, I've watched over you. I made the account "Million" that in some strange way became my "Seiken"-account. I have no idea how that one morphed into Seiken, but it was peculiarly odd... As if something wanted me to be revealed. I kept on watching over you since the day I said goodbye. Never saying anything, never clicking anything, just watching.... It was fine at first. Seeing you being online perhaps once a month... once every third month. But then my own looks started to become infrequent. I would not be here for days to come, even months, but I did have a peek now and then.
Till.... I was suddenly revealed as Million. I didn't realize till I was going to answer to your first message. "Had she known all this time?" I asked myself, hating the idea of you doing so. Well, you knowing or not, it was not nice to say I'd leave, yet continue to lurk in the shadows.
And here I am now... On a separate account once more. Why? The old memories of the messages exchanged hurts too much. The remnants of my old life that lingers like feathers in the air after a pillow fight - Many remnants that are easily whirled up into the air faster than it takes for them to descend.
But this won't last. When I saw your message, saw you throwing rocks into the darkness... I was in the middle of a phonecall, and I had to hang up. I lost my ability to speak, and I forgot how to walk(I was thankfully sitting, but going to get a glass of water, I had to roll my chair.) - I got the feelings I thought had been drowned a long time ago. But looking into the waters to see if they were shallow - they were as deep as ever.... But what good does a deep river to hide one's past and feelings when the water is crystal clear and showing you a vast world below? I guess that could be shown in the ways I have replied to you in this thread up till now... Heh, still a love fool. The feelings thought long gone still burns strongly as if it never faded.
I've decided that I don't want to hear any stories at all. I don't think I could bear hearing about the life you chose to have with another. You answering to the questions and hopes I had for you has put me at ease - in a way. That you feel content with what you have done.
But this is not all. I won't say I will leave this place again - for I am not sure if I truly can. But I will stop reading what you write. What you write gives me a glimpse into who you are and your life. Even if its RP here about something completely different. I will stop reading what you write because all I see is the life I wish we had. Knowing that this feeling is not mutual is what hurts the most. Which... I know is something I once did to you. So I can't really say I blame you for it, but... No, I won't. All I can is to live with the fact that my heart didn't know what it truly wanted till it was too late.
I have no reason to be on this site anymore. Never has since things ended - besides watching over you. But now as things are starting to change, my activity here will be... erratic. Who knows - perhaps I will delete my accounts ultimately? To make sure there is no way back to old paths.
My feelings for you that has been left unhandled for two and a half years now.... ...I will use every single piece of my mental willpower to destroy every bit of it. Krista, I am still deeply in love with you, and I would give you the moon if I could, but hearing that you are in a good place now makes me content and allows me to start focus on my own life. So while you still hold my heart, I will fill the empty socket in my chest with darkness and void - till the abyss beats for me and I can live without you. Yeah, edgelord over here, but I need to focus on my own life completely now. Ending my now-and-then look over the shoulder at you - shrouded in the darkness of another user, or in full view - it will stop. I have met new people, gone new places, indulged in new feelings and relations, and the life I wish I could have with you; It's not going to be even the slightest in my mind. Yes, I will always wonder - but that's what it will be: A fantasy.
So... What more is there to say? I think I covered everything that I've been thinking about... Since the end of last we spoke till now, what your re-apperance made me feel, why I can't bear to hear more about your life, feelings I have that I now will actively tear down, focusing on my new life... Yeah, seems like everything.
There will probably be a few things later on I will say "Ah, of course - I forgot to add that", but by not acting on those thoughts, they'll eventually run out in the sand... And one day, I will stop thinking about them.
I'm not really sure if I expect a reply, but... a favor I will do to you at least is to read your reply to me here - if you should reply that is. But after that reply I can't promise you anything. Well, you can always reach me on my e-mail; which you will need to PM me about if you have lost (don't want it on public display)
Final words; I will always treasure what we had. Please, don't get me wrong. You're the most wonderful girl and partner a man could ever ask for. Shawn once told me that I needed to thank my stars for being your chosen, and I did... too late. Whoever ending up with you is the luckiest man in this universe. So with the good memories treasured, and my feelings for you now finally decomposing... it is time for me to continue my new life.
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