On delays, disappearances and other disasters.

[Sigr]

We all like having a healthy game with a brisk pace. Riveting posts that cross back and forth, each one building on the others before... until one day it stops. Your partner doesn't post as usual, or the next day, or the week after. Maybe they informed you of the reason, maybe they didn't. It can be real life being a bummer, or just a simple lack of inspiration. And it hurts, of course it does, you feel wronged as the other side doesn't do their part, and rightly so, as you have struggled through sometimes and never failed.

But you know what? They have it worse.

They also loved what you two were making. They also struggled through posts, possibly even before they had to stop writing. They are also without a game and it's on their hand to continue it but they can't. So before you pressure them, call them out or otherwise become part of the problem because you are hurt, try to communicate, to be helpful. Maybe that way things will get sorted out and not only will you behave like a decent person, but also you both will have your game back sooner.

---

I wanted to get that out my chest, but instead of journaling it, I thought it could become an interesting topic of discussion, so here it is.

 

[RedRose]

Yeah. If they reply to your pms.

 

[Raina Reader]

I know we talked about this before but I wanted to convey my thoughts here so others from either perspective could see.

I'm currently on that side where I feel like I'm letting my partners down. Admittedly I have more RP's than I can handle but my IRL life has not been the greatest which has made it increasingly more difficult to keep up.

For those on the receiving end of this sort of thing I apologize on behalf of many who are slow or unable to keep up. It's tough and atleast for me there's a lot of guilt because as sigr mentioned I certainly want to RP. Most of the time my brain is on RP plots or one of my ongoing plays. Im always thinking about it, but being able to muster the strength and energy to do so can be so hard and that's beyond frustrating. Some partners just disappear and that can hurt, others may give a reason before they do so but it can still be hard especially if the RP meant something to you. Ive been on the recieving end as well and lost RP's that still stick with me to this day.

To those currently in the same place as me, where you feel like irl issues have made it difficult to keep up with your parnters, dont get discouraged. do what you can. People will understand, IRL always comes first. <3

 

[Revelations]

As someone who has up and stopped replying to his RP's for a time - and I know saying that openly isn't attractive to potential writing partners, generally when it happens to me, 95% Of the time it's depression related. I can get super jazzed for an RP, but a spell of depression hits, and by the time I feel in a better place to write, it can be hard to actually write or try to apologize after that time.

This isn't a 'woe is me' sort of thing - up and just dropping an RP on someone is not the best thing to do, I know. But in general when it happens, it's an awful feeling and it's not always easy to get back up on the horse.

Conversely, when my partner is the one who slips away and comes back some time later i'll pretty much always give them another chance as long as they apologize. I don't even need an explanation from them. This is a hobby and we should do it for fun, not out of obligation which can leave us just as drained and disengaged from it.

 

[Azuresun]

Flaking is the blight of all forms of play-by-post RP. Personally, I'm okay if someone wants to pause or leave a thread, but what drives me crazy is when they just vanish without saying anything. Really, how many crises do people have that leave them unable to take 5 minutes to PM and say "Sorry, RL's being bitchy, need to pause / stop our story."?

Of course, the only time I vented at a player in a PBP game for leaving with no explanation, it turned out they were having life-saving spinal surgery, so now I give them the benefit of the doubt. It's still annoying and dispiriting, though.

 

[CharmSnake]

Yes, quite honestly I get ghosted CONSTANTLY. No one ever writes more than a handful of posts with me before disappearing without explanation. I guess I'm just not a very interesting writer. Too detailed, not kinky enough, I dunno. I bore people. Finally starting to get the point that I should just quit all this. If you bang your head against a wall for enough years all you get is a sore head.

 

[Sigr]

This was intended to make people think on the other part of the equation that isn't themselves when a game slows, pauses or stops. Communication is key, not only planning the game but also when things go south. Sometimes is the game, but other times is just life. Enjoy what you can while it lasts, and through a clear and honest channel of communication try to either work things out or at least understand the reasons for it to stop. No one is benefited by silence, blame shifting, defeatism or any other negative thoughts.

 

[CharmSnake]

This was intended to make people think on the other part of the equation that isn't themselves when a game slows, pauses or stops. Communication is key, not only planning the game but also when things go south. Sometimes is the game, but other times is just life. Enjoy what you can while it lasts, and through a clear and honest channel of communication try to either work things out or at least understand the reasons for it to stop. No one is benefited by silence, blame shifting, defeatism or any other negative thoughts.

I agree completely. That's why I always give an appropriate amount of time before friendly 'check-ins' (and I call then check-ins because I've been threatened with instant drop/ignore by someone once if I ever poke or nudge no matter how many months go by). I also understand if someone just suddenly stops logging in. Life totally happens. There's unemployment, too much employment, illness, family, relationships, moving/access to internet, computer issues, I get all of that. But literally more than half the time the partner is still online, usually daily, posting to other threads and bumping their requests, all the while ignoring my sparse and friendly messages, leaving me in utter silence.

Every year it gets worse and worse and worse. The only common factor is me. It must be me. I guess it's time to pack it in.

 

[RedRose]

It's not you. I get ghosted regularly too. I can understand not replying to a thread, but damn, if you're connected, reply to my PM!

 

[Sigr]

Well, if it's an objectively continuing trend (not just a blip in time or just a spell of bad luck) one should ask themselves how to improve their chances. It can be something you do, part of what you write, how to present yourself or the kind of players you tend to attract/you are attracted to. I'm not saying that it's the fault of either of the sides, but things don't happen in a vacuum are the more aware we are about the circumstances the better our experience will be.

 

[RedRose]

I know I sometimes start a RP while unsure the person is serious. i'm working on that.

 

[Azuresun]

I agree completely. That's why I always give an appropriate amount of time before friendly 'check-ins' (and I call then check-ins because I've been threatened with instant drop/ignore by someone once if I ever poke or nudge no matter how many months go by). I also understand if someone just suddenly stops logging in. Life totally happens. There's unemployment, too much employment, illness, family, relationships, moving/access to internet, computer issues, I get all of that. But literally more than half the time the partner is still online, usually daily, posting to other threads and bumping their requests, all the while ignoring my sparse and friendly messages, leaving me in utter silence.

Every year it gets worse and worse and worse. The only common factor is me. It must be me. I guess it's time to pack it in.

The play-by--post forums on RPG.net have a name-and-shame policy for posters who abandon threads without saying anything while continuing to post elsewhere. It seems like a good addition.

 

[Sigr]

It seems prone to abuse and conductive to negativity, honestly.

 

[Raina Reader]

Yeah that sounds like an awful policy that is more likely to hurt those who unintentionally have to pause or abandon RP's due to irl issues.

 

[RedRose]

I do think people could write two words to say they quit, even without explaining... Or at the very least reply if pmed about it. I had to run a couple years ago when my uncle died on another continent and I was awaited for the ceremony... But if someone pmed me to ask what was up, I did reply, even if it took one week or whatever.

 

[Azuresun]

Yeah that sounds like an awful policy that is more likely to hurt those who unintentionally have to pause or abandon RP's due to irl issues.

The important bit in what I said is "while continuing to post elsewhere", rather than someone who just stops entirely for any number of reasons. If you're posting on the site (including starting new RP's and bumping your seeking thread in some cases!), then you can spare 30 seconds to drop a PM to say "Sorry, I need to pause / quit this RP.".

 

[Erit of Eastcris]

It's not you. I get ghosted regularly too. I can understand not replying to a thread, but damn, if you're connected, reply to my PM!

As someone who has been on the far side of the equation, allow me to posit one of the possible causes to this issue: anxiety.

Sometimes, one lets a story languish for too long, with any number of reasons from absentmindedness to lack of drive to distaste to anything else. Then one receives a message, and no matter how it is phrased or how patient the other party has been, the only thing one can think of is how disappointed their partner surely must be, the unknowable reality notwithstanding. "What can I say to them?" One asks themselves, "How can I make amends?"

And the answer never comes. And the "safe" option, in err though it obviously is, is to let the bridge be burned rather than risk reprisal that, in truth, would never come if one did not surrender to ever-expanding worry. But surrender one does, and one knows not how to make things right again.

Sometimes, it's because we're afraid you're already upset and we can't make it up to you. Not always; some people are just jerks, but some of us are social cowards.

 

[Sigr]

Thank you very much Erit for sharing that. I try to be as reassuring as possible with my partners, because as I said when a game pauses* it bothers both people on it without mattering which one posted last, so getting angry about it and pressuring your partner is not just being an asshole, it also won't get neither of you anywhere. Think that you are just making BMR to be a part of their troubles and concerns instead of a safe place to enjoy as it should be.

*I think that it goes without saying that this thread is about normal delays and disappearances, advising to be understanding and all that, not somewhere to whine about malicious or capricious ghosting. We all feel the need to vent when we get hurt, but remember that empathy is a powerful tool.

 

[Amaranthine]

Honestly I agree wholeheartedly with Erit, as I'm someone who experiences exactly what they described.

People want to take things personally because otherwise why else wouldn't they be replying to me? But sometimes it's not that simple and the quiet partner is struggling either with themselves or with how to try and make things right for taking an impromptu holiday. I try to stay on top of things nowadays and do a much better job than I used to, but after the 2nd/3rd/4th trip to the void it starts looking like a pattern and like I'm someone they can't rely on and why would they possible want to continue with me may as well save myself and them the hassle.

... Terrible frame of mind, yes, still kind of shitty to the people you write with - but because I know what that experience is like I do my best not to assume quiet partners are trying to be assholes and instead be gentle with them, just in case. I kind of can't stand when the default frame of thought = "they're being a dick who doesn't care at all and wasted my time" when you actually have no way to know that.

 

[Sigr]

Thank you a lot for sharing Amaranthine, I hope that even if its a little bit, people start to feel more open to the idea, more open to sort out things through careful communication and trying to not jump to conclusions or letting the silence to speak for them.

 

[Xanaphia]

Here is what happens to me:

I don't like an rp, I drop it pretty easily and quickly. There is no waffling.

On the other hand, I may be enjoying an rp, but am having trouble with a certain post. I don't want to drop it, but I don't know how to move forward, or I am struggling to find the time and energy to write it. I don't want to give up the story, but the post just isn't coming. So I answer rps that are easy to write for.

A week passes, or maybe two. I still can't post, I've been busy, and perhaps a little in denial. I don't want to send a pm when I can't give a good time frame for when I will post, espeically if I can't meet that deadline.

Now it's been a month, and I haven't spoken to my partner. I am embarrassed I didn't answer, still not sure I want to drop the story, but unsure if I can continue. If my partner never reached out in this period, I figure they don't mind losing the rp, and I did us both a favor by not responding. I never wanted to ghost anyone, but I got trapped by my own crippling insecurity and anxiety.

To all of you I have ghosted, I am sorry. You deserved better from me.

 

[Erit of Eastcris]

Here is what happens to me:

I don't like an rp, I drop it pretty easily and quickly. There is no waffling.

On the other hand, I may be enjoying an rp, but am having trouble with a certain post. I don't want to drop it, but I don't know how to move forward, or I am struggling to find the time and energy to write it. I don't want to give up the story, but the post just isn't coming. So I answer rps that are easy to write for.

A week passes, or maybe two. I still can't post, I've been busy, and perhaps a little in denial. I don't want to send a pm when I can't give a good time frame for when I will post, espeically if I can't meet that deadline.

Now it's been a month, and I haven't spoken to my partner. I am embarrassed I didn't answer, still not sure I want to drop the story, but unsure if I can continue. If my partner never reached out in this period, I figure they don't mind losing the rp, and I did us both a favor by not responding. I never wanted to ghost anyone, but I got trapped by my own crippling insecurity and anxiety.

To all of you I have ghosted, I am sorry. You deserved better from me.

Leave it to Xan to make my point better than me.

 

[Mr Quixotic]

I've only been ghosted a couple of times, so I consider myself fortunate, and have never ghosted anyone. I refuse to let myself do it, however, it's not all because I'm particularly altruistic. It's also due to the fact that the main source of any anxiety for me comes from having anything 'unresolved' nagging at my brain.

If I didn't send a drop message, and simply ghosted, I'd be in a constant state of anticipation and on edge, expecting that an angry or accusatory message from them could pop up at any time. So, as I much as I do consider it a courtesy to my collaborator, it's for me as well. It provides a clean break; allowing me to get that story/concern completely out of my head and not ever have to worry about it again.

On a few ocassions when I've felt the vibe from my partner that Erit and Xana are talking about; that struggle; I've decided myself to end it, or to ask them if they'd like to, making it clear there will be no rancour or hard feelings from my end. Both because that helps me resolve where it stands in my own head, and also that I don't want them stressing over it. We generally then end up staying OoC friends and/or collaborating on something else.

To me, this site is where people give up their free time and come to for fun and relaxation. No-one should ever be made to feel obliged to continue on with something that's not working for them or has become more a source of anxiety and a chore than the enjoyment of a hobby....for any reason whatsoever.

As for delays. Real-life happens and it's unfortunately happened to three of my long-term partners in the last couple of months, where they've all had to go on hiatus and may or not be able to return. Disappointed? Yes, of course. But, as I said to them, real-life takes priority and those stories will forever remain open for them to come back to if and/or when they can.