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Umbrark
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[Typing this thread is either going to get me attention I don't want or none at all. I'm not sure which is worse. Still, it's the only way I can think of right now to have a shot at getting attention that falls somewhere between the two. I have no plan about what specifically I'm going to discuss, other than that these are things that are stressfully circling in my mind and I have no other outlet for expressing them.
Let me say first and foremost that if I could change my username, I would in a heartbeat. I created my account with BMRP shortly after a bad breakup that happened partially because of friction from my being a dom and her not being compatible with that. I spent a lot of effort trying to get as much indulgence of it as I could. Now it's been over four years since that breakup. I'm still a dom, but I don't feel as strong a desire to partake in that. At this point I take more pleasure in the concept of a woman who craves my sexual attention and to please me, not exerting control over what she does or being abusive.
Second, I don't come here to play as intricate characters or flesh out elaborate plots. I have D&D and the like for that. I come here to try to indulge my desires that go unfulfilled. I'm a man who's almost thirty with high-functioning Autism (no, not Asperger's), so socializing is something I'm terrible at. Oh I can hang out with people, and they tend to like me and think highly of me, but I don't feel like I form connections with them. It's exceptionally difficult for me to find people I click with. I crave a group of close friends and a romantic relationship, and I do need both. I've tried going out for karaoke night and looking for meetup groups, but they just don't have the kind of people I need.
What kind of people do I need? Geeks? Maybe, but I've found that I don't click with a lot of them either. I've found that a lot of geeks are actually pretty closed-minded and conformist, getting heavily invested in what's trendy. No, what I need are people who think on my level. By that, I'm not talking about IQ or knowledgeably. I mean the ability to engage in metacognition. I spend a lot of time thinking about how my mind works. I think a lot about my emotions, what triggers them, how they affect my perceptions and reactions, etc. Unfortunately, a lot of people confuse this with Mindfulness. On some level, yes, they are the same. However, when people talk about Mindfulness, they're talking about a trend in spirituality that gets talked about with the same pretentious tone as holistic medicine and yoga. It's just another trend where owning a bunch of books is supposed to make you look better than everyone else. By and large, the people who've gotten invested in Mindfulness I've known use it to ignore their problems and pretend everything's hunky-dory, which goes COMPLETELY against the idea of it.
I'd say I digress, but as I pointed out in the beginning, I don't have a specific outline for this in mind.
Last month I was fired from my job as a dishwasher because my frustration at the stupidity around me had mounted up to the point where I had an outburst. The people around me just didn't seem to grasp that because we worked in a rehabilitation center for the elderly - TWO factors that lead to weakened immune systems - proper sanitation was EXTREMELY important. I had a good boss and a good set of supervisors who responded well and did their best to assure me that it was okay, because everyone who works in a kitchen lashes out at some point, but the outburst caused an accidental injury to someone else. That led to me getting fired by HR.
The job hunt makes my anxiety spike. So many job applications for "entry-level" positions post highly-specific degree, certification, and years-of-experience requirements. I hated working as a dishwasher because I graduated from college Summa Cum Laude; I was so damn underemployed and it was an utterly degrading position to have with my level of cognitive ability. But I don't know what jobs I could work. I've signed on with a social service that will HOPEFULLY fund a job coaching program for autistic adults, but it could take months before that begins, and my savings are going to dry up. And though my former boss managed to convince the company that fired me to not fight back if I filed for unemployment, that requires me to actively apply to work. Again, that cripples me with anxiety because all I see are jobs I'm not qualified for or menial crap that will just lead to another outburst. I feel frustratingly helpless.
And multiple times within the past year, I've had suicidal ideations. I even had to call 911 on myself at one point when I went in to work especially frustrated and couldn't stop staring at the knives. And in my current situation, what I refer to as the "ideations of contingency" have come up, where in my mind I've acknowledged that if I run out of money, I will kill myself. Because this is the second time since I graduated college that I've attempted to strike it out on my own. I moved two time zones away this time after doing a lot of research on what cities I could move to. That was two years ago, so this attempt has lasted longer. But if I run out of money, I'll have to move in with one of my parents again. I'll have to move back to that sheltered, overly granola university town where the only single women are naive college kids and 40+ divorcees. The main employer there is the university, and although they're a pretty damn good employer, the accruing benefits of continuing to work for them are a spiral trap. And again, the town is NOT a culture I want to live in. To me, it's stagnation that will keep me from getting what I want out of life.
And what I want out of life is to have a family. I want to find a woman who is self-aware enough to not only be a patient, reasonable, and affectionate lover for me, but to be able to apply those traits to being a mother to kids she wants to have with me. I thought I had that in the previously mentioned relationship, but I screwed that over for more reasons than just being a dom. I want to have kids who will have the benefit of parents who will be honest and realistic with them in their upbringing as well as affectionate and kind. I want them to be prepared for the harsh realities of life that no one prepared me for, and I want those preparations to not require a cold "Deal with it, kid" tone.
And my parents are no help to me other than the occasional check to slow down the drain on my savings. My mother is overbearing and completely unreasonable in an argument. I previously had to yell her down because she was REPEATEDLY wanting me to move back to my hometown, and I had to chew her out as I explained why that would NOT happen, both the cultural and financial reasons. And my dad? My relationship with him is more like that of a former roommate. Sure, he and I are in several tabletop RPG groups online together, but when I actually try to turn to him for emotional support as a FATHER, he's either not helpful or a total asshole. And I blame a lot of my turmoil on them, because neither of them prepared me for the truth that how well I did in my education would have NO impact on my career (and they graduated college in the 70s, an economic deficit similar to mine; they have no excuse).
I feel increasingly hopeless. I feel like what efforts I can make are for nothing. I just wish I had a woman in my life who cared about me enough to hold me until the tension drains, then talk me through what's going on in my mind and lead me towards a plan of action. And I would be more than happy to do the same for her when she needs it. But I have no one. And here I am typing all of this to an erotic roleplay forum full of "authors" and dudes pretending to be girls.
I have no response if you've read this whole thing, because I have a hard time conceiving of anyone actually doing so. Actually, I do, and it's this: I don't need words of sympathy or pity, and I CERTAINLY don't need platitudes like "It gets better" or "Everything happens for a reason". If you give me a platitude, I will tear it apart and you will think I'm an asshole. What I need is a sense of progression in my life. Mere words of comfort from faceless text boxes aren't going to give me that.
Second, I don't come here to play as intricate characters or flesh out elaborate plots. I have D&D and the like for that. I come here to try to indulge my desires that go unfulfilled. I'm a man who's almost thirty with high-functioning Autism (no, not Asperger's), so socializing is something I'm terrible at. Oh I can hang out with people, and they tend to like me and think highly of me, but I don't feel like I form connections with them. It's exceptionally difficult for me to find people I click with. I crave a group of close friends and a romantic relationship, and I do need both. I've tried going out for karaoke night and looking for meetup groups, but they just don't have the kind of people I need.
What kind of people do I need? Geeks? Maybe, but I've found that I don't click with a lot of them either. I've found that a lot of geeks are actually pretty closed-minded and conformist, getting heavily invested in what's trendy. No, what I need are people who think on my level. By that, I'm not talking about IQ or knowledgeably. I mean the ability to engage in metacognition. I spend a lot of time thinking about how my mind works. I think a lot about my emotions, what triggers them, how they affect my perceptions and reactions, etc. Unfortunately, a lot of people confuse this with Mindfulness. On some level, yes, they are the same. However, when people talk about Mindfulness, they're talking about a trend in spirituality that gets talked about with the same pretentious tone as holistic medicine and yoga. It's just another trend where owning a bunch of books is supposed to make you look better than everyone else. By and large, the people who've gotten invested in Mindfulness I've known use it to ignore their problems and pretend everything's hunky-dory, which goes COMPLETELY against the idea of it.
I'd say I digress, but as I pointed out in the beginning, I don't have a specific outline for this in mind.
Last month I was fired from my job as a dishwasher because my frustration at the stupidity around me had mounted up to the point where I had an outburst. The people around me just didn't seem to grasp that because we worked in a rehabilitation center for the elderly - TWO factors that lead to weakened immune systems - proper sanitation was EXTREMELY important. I had a good boss and a good set of supervisors who responded well and did their best to assure me that it was okay, because everyone who works in a kitchen lashes out at some point, but the outburst caused an accidental injury to someone else. That led to me getting fired by HR.
The job hunt makes my anxiety spike. So many job applications for "entry-level" positions post highly-specific degree, certification, and years-of-experience requirements. I hated working as a dishwasher because I graduated from college Summa Cum Laude; I was so damn underemployed and it was an utterly degrading position to have with my level of cognitive ability. But I don't know what jobs I could work. I've signed on with a social service that will HOPEFULLY fund a job coaching program for autistic adults, but it could take months before that begins, and my savings are going to dry up. And though my former boss managed to convince the company that fired me to not fight back if I filed for unemployment, that requires me to actively apply to work. Again, that cripples me with anxiety because all I see are jobs I'm not qualified for or menial crap that will just lead to another outburst. I feel frustratingly helpless.
And multiple times within the past year, I've had suicidal ideations. I even had to call 911 on myself at one point when I went in to work especially frustrated and couldn't stop staring at the knives. And in my current situation, what I refer to as the "ideations of contingency" have come up, where in my mind I've acknowledged that if I run out of money, I will kill myself. Because this is the second time since I graduated college that I've attempted to strike it out on my own. I moved two time zones away this time after doing a lot of research on what cities I could move to. That was two years ago, so this attempt has lasted longer. But if I run out of money, I'll have to move in with one of my parents again. I'll have to move back to that sheltered, overly granola university town where the only single women are naive college kids and 40+ divorcees. The main employer there is the university, and although they're a pretty damn good employer, the accruing benefits of continuing to work for them are a spiral trap. And again, the town is NOT a culture I want to live in. To me, it's stagnation that will keep me from getting what I want out of life.
And what I want out of life is to have a family. I want to find a woman who is self-aware enough to not only be a patient, reasonable, and affectionate lover for me, but to be able to apply those traits to being a mother to kids she wants to have with me. I thought I had that in the previously mentioned relationship, but I screwed that over for more reasons than just being a dom. I want to have kids who will have the benefit of parents who will be honest and realistic with them in their upbringing as well as affectionate and kind. I want them to be prepared for the harsh realities of life that no one prepared me for, and I want those preparations to not require a cold "Deal with it, kid" tone.
And my parents are no help to me other than the occasional check to slow down the drain on my savings. My mother is overbearing and completely unreasonable in an argument. I previously had to yell her down because she was REPEATEDLY wanting me to move back to my hometown, and I had to chew her out as I explained why that would NOT happen, both the cultural and financial reasons. And my dad? My relationship with him is more like that of a former roommate. Sure, he and I are in several tabletop RPG groups online together, but when I actually try to turn to him for emotional support as a FATHER, he's either not helpful or a total asshole. And I blame a lot of my turmoil on them, because neither of them prepared me for the truth that how well I did in my education would have NO impact on my career (and they graduated college in the 70s, an economic deficit similar to mine; they have no excuse).
I feel increasingly hopeless. I feel like what efforts I can make are for nothing. I just wish I had a woman in my life who cared about me enough to hold me until the tension drains, then talk me through what's going on in my mind and lead me towards a plan of action. And I would be more than happy to do the same for her when she needs it. But I have no one. And here I am typing all of this to an erotic roleplay forum full of "authors" and dudes pretending to be girls.
I have no response if you've read this whole thing, because I have a hard time conceiving of anyone actually doing so. Actually, I do, and it's this: I don't need words of sympathy or pity, and I CERTAINLY don't need platitudes like "It gets better" or "Everything happens for a reason". If you give me a platitude, I will tear it apart and you will think I'm an asshole. What I need is a sense of progression in my life. Mere words of comfort from faceless text boxes aren't going to give me that.
