Dear you,
The story of my life is filled with drama and haunts me everyday. I have this horrible knack of remembering the bad and forgetting the good. The most prominent are the time my I watched my grandpa cut his head open when he was trying to work on his RV's engine. The time I cried and cried because of the pain I felt in my side that took my mom three days to take me to the hospital for and five hours for the doctors to figure out that it was my appendix getting ready to burst when I was eight. I remember the sadness I felt when I heard my mom pause on the phone with my grandparents, knowing what my mom was about to tell me, that my childhood best friend, my grandparents dog that grew up with me, died. I remember watching my best friend's dad hit her. I remember my dad touching me. I remember when I got raped. I remember so much. But these big things don't scar me the way he has. I've learned to coop with these. I don't know how to move past what he's done to me though, at least, I didn't.
Before I explain what happened, I need to give a little bit of history first. When I was a sophomore in high school, four years ago, I met someone online. For a long time we just spoke online, and then we moved to texting. One day he suddenly stopped texting me, messaging me, responding to me. It took two and a half months before he texted me again out of the blue. I was relieved, excited. Soon after that we started talking on the phone and things went well. Then he disappeared again. Two weeks this time. It hurt, everytime he abandoned me. This kept on for the next two years. Talking, him vanishing, talking again. Finally it seemed like he was done vanishing and we would move forward. We had developed strong feelings for each other after all that time. We planned on meeting after I graduated high school. But when I started my senior year I met Travis. He was my manager and he was nothing like anyone I ever crushed on. He was goofy and sweet and I had a tendency to go for jerks and assholes. Even so, he flirted with me in his goofy embarrassed way and I became confused about what to do. The man I had been talking too for so long, caring about and wanting, was merely a school year away, but my feelings diminished every time he had disappeared. Finally when he wanted me, I no longer was sure I wanted him. I called things off with him, explained that I wanted to try something new and that I was sorry. He was bitter and disappeared again. It hurt, but Travis was around now and things started to go wonderfully. The only flaw that I saw with him was his daughter. She was almost two at the time so she was still adorable and easy to enjoy. Our 'honeymoon' phase went well. There were nights I would sneak out from my house and spend with him. Days I would ditch school. Everything was going great with him but my home life was a mess. My mom was always angry and her boyfriend made me miserable. I was kicked out one night and instead of coming back like my mom expected I left town and stayed with a friend while Travis found an apartment for us. I moved in with him. By this time I had given up school, which I never did very well in to begin with, and my job, to be with him. Things went well at first, then there was a lot of fighting. A lot.
This is were the painful memories begin. He was still friends with his ex fiance, the mother of his child, even though she had been the one to call off their wedding to be with someone over the internet. I was okay with it, I didn't like it, but I was okay with it. But one thing led to another and I finally decided that she needed to be out of the picture for a little while, at least a few weeks while Travis and I dealt with our relationship. Travis agreed and told her they had to stop talking for a while, she flipped out. Things started to get better after that, until I got pregnant. We were both terrified, this wasn't what we wanted. He already had a two year old and we couldn't afford a child. Things quickly fell apart and I eventually had a miscarriage. I was so distraught over the miscarriage that I closed myself off from him. He was just as distant. After a lot of fighting I finally decided that I would go stay a night at my mom's house so we could sort out our feelings. We hadn't spent a night apart since we got the apartment, I figured the distance would help. I came back to him even more distant, when I asked him why he said nothing. Three days later, the morning of my birthday, after screaming and fighting all morning, he finally told me he cheated on me with his ex. Things ended. I was crushed. I moved into the second bedroom because I had no where else to go. A month went by and he was dating her again, rarely home since he was at her house, and it felt like there was ice between us. I was still hurt, but in love with him. He asked me to let her move in, I said it was fine, at least I'd see more of him. Things went well. I hid my feelings well and befriended the ex-new-girlfriend. Two months later they fell apart and broke up, basically because he admitted he still loved me, but not to her of course. She moved out and refused to be friends with me anymore and Travis was incredible distant with me. Eventually we started to fool around but put no labels on us. I started to work for my grandpa and would leave half of the week to do so. Finally we got back together. Not a week later I was told by his ex that he had tried to hook up with her again. I panicked and freaked out. He assured me that we weren't together and he was tired and barely remembered even doing that. I forgave him again.
Since then things have been better. He grew up and learned from what he had done and what he needed to do to keep me. But since then I've also felt like I've loved him less. We've fought and almost broken up many times in this past year but have worked through it. It wasn't until recently that I've finally learned how to let go of everything he had done to me. I had started talking to the guy I knew online, the one I met four years ago, and we flirted and such. Don't get me wrong, I think that my flirting while in a relationship is bad, but I'm glad I did. We recounted our old relationship together and I told him how badly he had hurt me all those times he disappeared. He apologized and said it would never happen again. I told him that I loved him but I would never choose him over Travis because I can't be sure he really wants me, loves me, and I know by how hard Travis fights for me that he really wants me. Travis does love me. Nathan didn't give up though and kept flirting with me. Finally after fighting with Travis one night and almost breaking up again I told Nathan that he needed to back off or we couldn't talk anymore, that I wanted to make things with Travis work. Nathan told me this: "I understand but you need to think about things. Are you going through all this because its love, or because you don't want to feel alone?" It dawned on me instantly. I once loved Nathan, but I don't anymore. I was only talking to him because it was nice to feel like I had someone if Travis and I didn't work out. I realized that it was foolish of me to do that. The reason why it isn't working with Travis is because I'm not giving it a chance to. I'm preparing for it to fail, thus expecting it to. Since I realized this I've stopped. I've never felt better with our relationship. Things feel amazing now, like they once did. I let go of Nathan, I disappeared this time from him, and I'm giving my relationship with Travis a real chance. It feels wonderful. Love.
~Catailia
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