Anxiety, Depression, and trying to get better.

[east]

Another year older and I find myself just wanting to write some stuff on my mind. I rarely do this, but I've had a lot on my mind recently.

I have come to the realization that I am unhealthy. That I am self destructive, and that if left to my own devices I will stab every single person I care about in the back until I am left completely alone. I do it all the time, and I'm not getting smarter about it.

A site that I had been rping on for the last five years decides that it is shutting down in December, and instead of doing the rational reasonable person thing I over react and get myself banned.

This year for my birthday I was supposed to go get on a plane and visit the city. I decided to stay home at the last second because I couldn't bring myself to get up in the morning and move my ass on time. Because I was afraid of going to the city to see some friends that I hadn't seen in two years since I moved out to the middle of nowhere.

I didn't go because I was afraid.

Last year I was hit by a car, and my back was damaged, the scar from the surgery is a small cut near my tail bone where they had to cut into some flesh to bleed out an infection. It's small, and if I didn't point it out to anyone no one would notice, it doesn't even affect my upper body.

But I can't take off my shirt in public, and even though I can lift upwards of 80lbs, I can't go swimming at the local pool because as I tell myself every day 'I've lost strength'.

These things exist in my head, I know that because when push comes to shove and my eldest brother threw me into a lake off a cliff to prove a point I swam just as fine as when I was a life guard. Yet when I go to the pool I can't do more than step foot in the shallows because I'm terrified.

My back was damaged, I had to spend three months in a hospital bed recovering as a pump helped the laceration on my spine heal and pull me back to gether. I had to walk with a cane for a month afterwords as my legs shook, and even now i use a pillow and it hurts to stand for too long at the end of the day, but nothing affected my upper body strength.

I'm just scared, and often I don't know why.

I have no reason to think that the people I care about in my life are plotting against me, or that for some reason they don't like me, but I always pause to think about it, and I get under peoples skin because of it.

Just yesterday i asked one of my closest friends the same question I asked them the day before. Not even stopping to realize that she had already given me an answer and that I'm just a little on the daft side.

My life would be a lot easier if I could actually stop myself, and just sit down shut up and listen to others.

On that other site there were two rp partners. One of them suddenly dropped her rp with me after telling me the previous day that I was her favorite partner. She then said that she was going to 'find her faith' I was sure that this was some sort of suicide note and so I sent a pm to the admin and was told that she was probably just born again christian. The other I had been rping with for almost five years, tried to tell me that she loved me, and because that crossed a line I was uncomfortable with I told her that I no longer had any want or desire to rp with her.

She sent me a message that reads like a suicide note, and this time I didn't report it. Rather I just deleted the PM and she deleted her account. Even if she had been the one to cross the line in that instance in trying to tell me how she felt about me, I was quick to slam the door in her face and because of that she left a site that she had cared about.

I just shrugged and moved on.

I don't get it. If I care about one person who disappears why shouldn't i care about the other? they are both faceless nameless people, so why do i lock onto one, and then push the other away?

I suppose this is the point where I say I'm not a happy person. That this year I chose to spend my birthday in relative seclusion and that all of these reflections are just born of one extremely tired old man.

except i'm not old I'm 26.

I'm 26, and i'm going to be a teacher next year. I can't handle my own life how exactly am I supposed to teach little kids about theirs?

I am working towards a brighter tomorrow. I am for the first time seeing a psychiatrist on the 11th of august, and a counselor on the 4th. I'm going to therapy, and I'm going to find some way that I can be a better person.

I just hope I figure out how to be that 'better person' before i completely isolate myself from the people I care for.

 

[east]

Just got back from my Psychiatrist visit...

TIME TO BITCH!

I hereby diagnose this woman with a massive case of being a right bloody cunt. I did my intake, and that went well, last week I had a Councillor who at least seemed not to be really judgmental and seemed to take an interest in my problems.

But this woman, oh this woman sat across from me and as I spoke about everything from my attempted suicide two years ago, to my current and constant insomnia she simply nodded her head, and then told me that I could get over it on my own.

I came to these people because I have the distinct issue that I am not getting better! I am socially paranoid and constantly looking over my back.

I haven't had a solid nights sleep in three months.

So finally i'm able to get her to sign off on some sleeping pills. Something that will actually help solve the long problem of insomnia that was the entire fucking point of seeing this bitch, and she has the audacity to add:

"I'm sure that once you get more sleep you will have less stress in your life."

NO SHIT SHERLOCK LOOK OUT WE GOT A GENIUS LEVEL IQ OVER HERE.

Why do you think I have been going to doctors for months asking for something to help me sleep, and the first words you said to me was 'you don't need drugs' I'm not looking for a fix lady, i'm looking for something to help me sleep, and over the counter pills don't do it for me. I've had cronic insomnia since i was eight.

There is some other shit here too, but this was the one where I was just frustraited and she tossed me out of her office half an hour early as if we actually accomplished something.

 

[Star Pupil]

I have had chronic insomnia for years as well. It comes from a fear to sleep because of PTSD nightmares, and forever worrying about the uncertain future. I just started taking meds this year regularly, and I feel a lot better.

You mentioned that she prescribed pills, did she not also recommend an anti depressant as well?

Everything you have shared in your journal I'm familiar with. When I'm off my meds I start to pull away from people, disappearing off the face of the earth because I'm too stressed and depressed to have any meaningful conversation with anyone. It's pretty damn lonely and it's almost a never ending cycle to break out of.

I hope you feel better soon.

 

[east]

To answer your question no, she only prescribed pills for my insomnia.

In the two nights that I have taken the new sleeping pills I have to say, these are probably the best things I have ever had to counteract insomnia. I don't think I have ever had a better nights sleep than i have in the past two days, and it feels fantastic. The only downside is that I wake up with a painful headache, and nausea. Basically the pills leave me hung over, but I honestly don't care because like I said at the start of this para this is the best nights sleep i've ever had.

On another note, my small island town in the middle of puss fuck nowhere, is getting a brand new hobby shop. A cards and game store that caters to like every single one of my long term hobbies. Better yet it's run by one of the few people I actually call a friend in this town. This is a huge upside and is going to end up costing me a good chunk of my paycheck as I feel obligated to support it through it's first year.

However the store is also likely going to be frequented by the same people who kicked me out of their game night. Obviously it's a public space, and the rules are different, but as when any shadow of my past shows up back in my life I tend to be more than a little scared.

As much as I like to think that I've changed in the last five years... gotten better and started moving forward. I have no real evidence or proof aside from the fact that I am now seeking professional help.

 

[east]

I still can't run.

At one time I was a track and field player for my school, I was able to dash fairly well. But the car accident that messed my spine up has left me with a limp, and at times I need to use a cane. I only noticed that I can't run anymore when I was walking my dog. His leash slipped and he dashed off, and when I tried to chase him i fell flat on my face when my legs gave out.

Thankfully my dog came back, but it was a reminder that not everything is in my head. Sure my upper body may not have been affected, but being unable to walk for six months did leave my legs weak.

Anyway aside from the reminder that you should really take care of your body because you never know when you might end up loosing something for the rest of your life... The reason I'm actually writing this is that there is going to be a stark change around my house in a month or so.

My parents bought a home on this island, and now because neither of them can work (my mom's cancer is back, and my dad hasn't been able to find a steady job I'm the only income in the house and I'm part time)

we are taking on two international students. I'm not super thrilled about this, but it's the only way to keep the house so I don't really have a say in it. The thing that annoys me about it is that part of this agreement is that the students must have a 'family dinner' in which all members of the house must eat at a single table and interact.

fuck you university requirement. I haven't sat down to eat with my parents since I was 12. My family doesn't even do family get togethers, or cook for one another. My mom is sick, my dad's depressed and I work full time hours for part time pay. What makes you think that at the end of the day any of these miserable people want to sit down at a table and fucking engage one another? We the members of this house hold have been at each others throats since before I could remember, and don't even get me started on my relationship with my brothers.

We have tried to talk about counseling in the past of course, but this is a family that should never have been together in the first place. Whenever someone asks me why I haven't gotten married to my girlfriend of seven years, I turn and point to my parents. To anyone who wonders why I don't rp pregnancy I point to my brothers and my parents. These two people should never have had children let alone three.

But oh we now have to invite these students on any kind of family outing! Sure they can come to my weekly counseling session, oh how about the monthly lets all go to the city because mom needs chemo? I'm sure they will love the daily my dad has locked himself into a room and is crying again event of the century.

What are we just supposed to pretend we aren't all miserable and broken for six months of the year? Pretend that we aren't all holding knives in our off hand waiting for the day we can sink it into the others neck.

When I first heard these requirements about bonding, I laughed, I laughed so fucking hard.

but at the end of the day we need to keep the hosue, cause without the house I can't shower every day to go to my job. If I can't work I can't RP with the few partners I have on this site.

Fuck it feels good to vent sometimes.

 

[east]

An old man sits in a room knowing his life has left with nothing to show for it.

Where once the dinning hall had echoed with laughter, he sits alone, and unsure, unable to remember the names of those whom had loved him.

He looks back to ambitions he once thought he had, but is unable to know more than that at one point in his life he was young, and that his life to that point, whatever it may have been was wasted.

Somewhere a bird stands and pecks at the remains of a newborn which wings weren't strong enough to take flight.

A campfire dim's in the night having long burnt out it's fuel, leaving only embers as twilight turns to night.

the ants prepare to crawl away with meat from something that once held the soft breath of life.

There is a special kind of hell in this world, to aspire to something, to work towards a goal with everything you have. To surmount passages that no one thought you could reach, only to be told as you are about to cross the finish line, that none of it matters, and that time, sweet time has forgotten you, and all that you could ever have achieved is impossible.

Not because you didn't work your hands to the bone, and not because you didn't study diligently enough, but because when a child smiles or cries you don't actually understand or comprehend the reasons behind that face.

To be told that you can't have something because you are unable to predict those elements that make others human, and because your persona, your completeness is just a touch different.

And at that moment when you are told all of this, when it is laid out that it doesn't matter how you have struggled and what time you have given, that those things you gave up that were important, that funeral you missed, the wedding invite you never checked yes too, those faces that you had to forget because you were busy.

That all of those encounters and struggles in your life mean nothing, because despite strength, and despite improvement at the end of the day you can't do something from the design of your birth.

That is pain, I know this old man who sits and tries to remember the faces of those he loves, I know him from the ambitions I once had, now turned to ash in my mouth. That no fruits of our labor will ever grow from the seeds I have sown.

that all around me the world is unfair, and to be lonely, is just the way of things in a world that doesn't, and in fact couldn't care.

Because at the end of the day, you were born deficient, and nothing will ever bridge that gap, work twice as hard, and the goal will just be twice as far from the step you first took.

That is loss, profound loss of self, of identity, of time, and of memory. that is the future, that specter which does not speak, yet only shows us the cold uncaring visions that we know we can't escape from.

...

have a good night.