The Break-up (closed)

[Rudolph Quin]

Simon Baker walked into the apartment he shared with his girlfriend, shaking the rain off of his jacket as he took it off and hung it in the closet. Water dripped from his dark hair as he stood there for several moments, lot in thought. How could everything have gotten so mixed up? He sighed and ran a hand through his hair as he left the entryway of the homey yet spacious apartment.

He'd been out drinking, which wasn't something Simon normally did, but was a new habit he'd recently acquired. The fact was, he'd screwed up a few nights ago. A moment of weakness had led to him sleeping with another girl. It was a mistake and he knew it but still would not come clean to his girlfriend about the incident. They'd been together for a whole year and living together for the past 6 months, and although he loved her, things were hard for him. With turmoil at work and deadlines to meet for the business and projects he had to do, he'd needed something to release the pressure. And it had been another woman at his office who had provided him with that opportunity. There had just been flirting at first, before it had eventually escalated to a quickie in the bathroom. If had relieved the tension inside him, but then more followed on top of it along with guilt and the fear of discovery. But it hadn't ended there. He'd visited her again, at her house, twice after that, before he finally decided to end it.

He couldn't explain why he had done it, especially with how much he loved his girlfriend. It was just a momentary temptation he had clung to, and it was over now. But the guilt remained and the fear that his girlfriend would find out about it. That was where the drinking had come in, to soothe the worry and stress of the mess he'd put himself in.

A light buzz filled his head as Simon walked into the rest of the apartment, and he called out "Hello?" despite hearing the TV on in the living room. He passed the kitchen doorway and looking into the small space and finding no one in there, he moved on further down the hallway, finally coming to the living room. She was there, sitting on the couch, the lights in the room filling her with a radiance that took his breath away. But from her body language and expression, he could tell she wasn't happy. The TV murmured on, and he didn't really hear it, his attention focused on her. There was something about this scene that made his heart sink into his stomach. But he ignored it, hoping his intuition was wrong.

"You didn't have to wait up for me," he said, running his hand through his wet hair and trying to look like nothing was wrong.

Simon's appearance:

 

[creamylips]

Rogue glanced down the hallway for what must have been the hundredth time that night. It was usually followed by a glance at the clock, first the one at the wall, then the one under the TV to make sure the time was right. It was late, and he wasn't home yet. This wasn't the first time, but she couldn't help but worry. She wanted to know what got into him, making him stay out late, getting drunk. She didn't want to assume it was something bad, though it most likely was. She just didn't know what, and accusing him without any sort of proof would do her no good.

"Bring, bring." the sound made her jump. It took her a moment to realize it was the telephone. The home wasn't even completly quiet- the TV was on. But she hadn't been watching it for quite a while now. She reached over to grab the telephone and caught empty air, which made her turn her head to see that the phone wasn't in its' usual spot. She must have put it somewhere else during the day. She got up, thinking it might be him, and quickly searched for the phone as it kept ringing. Before she could find it, the answering machine picked up, and the voice she heard didn't belong to a male. She didn't want to believe what it was saying, and spotted the phone on the kitchen counter. She quickly picked it up. "Hello? Who is this?"

It had been at least a half hour or so since that phone call, and Rogue was back in her same spot in the corner of the couch, leaning against the armrest. But she stopped checking the hallway and the clock every five seconds. Instead, she watched the TV motionlessly. She could hear the not so distant sound of the door opening, and she knew he was home. She didn't take her eyes off the TV, even as she heard him walk deeper into the apartment, and even when she could see him standing in the living room from the corner of her eye.

"I wanted to," she said simply, referring to his statement. She didn't look at him as she spoke. "A girl from work called. She said her name was Sam and that you left something at her place the other night and that you should come by and pick it up." She said this as if it was just casual conversation. She finally turned her head to look at him, wanting to see his reaction to her words.

 

[Rudolph Quin]

Like a rock sinking in water, a sense of vertigo over took him, but he tried his best to keep it from his face. All of a sudden, the fear of her finding out outweighed the guilt of what he'd done. He wasn't ready to tell her about this and he mentally scrabbled away from the plans to pour his heart out when she finally asked that question. Instead, he fled back down the trail of lies.

"Right," he said nodding, rubbing his nose and looking at the ground as if it were no big deal. "She was helping me work on a business project at her place. She has a big computer. I must have left some paperwork behind." He glanced up at her, to see how the lie was doing--was it sinking or floating? He couldn't tell.

Simon's heart thundered in his chest and he felt the water on his hair and clothes starting to dry and the fabric growing stiff. It was like there was something else in the room with them now, this lie that he'd flung up between them, a wall to hide himself behind. He didn't know what he feared most, that he would get caught like this or that it would hurt her. It was most likely the selfish attempt to save his skin and not out of the false sense of consideration for her. But still, he clung to the lie firmly, as if it offered him anything other than more pain. As if it could save him from what he'd done.

 

[creamylips]

She looked at him, listening to what he had to say, judging his reaction. She didn't buy it, but she didn't want to tell him that by yelling and screaming at him. All she wanted was for him to come clean and tell the truth, and she was hoping that was the first thing that would come out of his mouth. Now, he was just making this worse than it already was.

"Really now?" she asked, her voice that of curiousity, though her face showed no interest. She turned her gaze back to the television, just in time to catch a murderer stabbing someone to death. She wondered what he was thinking, if he actually believe he would be able to get away with this. "That's funny, because her voice sounded pretty suggestive to me, especially when she said 'you should come by later and pick it up' followed by a cute, horny giggle." She turned her head to see how he would react to that one.

Though her face didn't show it, this was killing her inside. That phone call confirmed that his suspiscious behaviour as of late was caused by something bad. She didn't know if it could get much worse than him cheating on her. But she couldn't understand why. She didn't think there were problems with their relationship; they had always been one of the happier couples. But apparently, he didn't feel the same way about them as she did.

 

[Rudolph Quin]

Shit! he thought to himself and pressed a hand to his temples to stop the pounding inside his head. This wasn't going well, at all. Frantically, Simon thought of what he could do to save himself, but the hole was already big enough that he couldn't see over the edge anymore. If he dug any deeper, it was almost a sure thing that he'd never get out and be drowning in dirt as well. Now, he just had to decide how to get it out in the way that was least likely to hurt her. The first lie he told was likely going to sting no matter how he sliced it.

He stood for a long time, watching the carpet fibers on the ground as if they held the answers to some life or death problem. Finally he took a deep breath and looked up at her.

"Rogue," he said in a soft voice. "I'm...so sorry..." He started with that, hoping that by admitting he knew what he'd done was wrong, that she would be more likely to forgive him. "It just...happened...She didn't mean anything to me. It was just a passing fling. I didn't mean for it to happen." For some reason, whether it was the alcohol in his system or he was subconsciously trying to distance himself emotionally from it, his voice was dead and held no affect. From his voice alone, someone might conclude that he was unmoved by the situation, but really he was just numb. He'd said it. Now she knew for sure what he did. No more secrets, no more lies, no more sneaking off and hiding it from her. Unlike the release it should have been, it felt like the words weren't even coming from his mouth but from somebody else. Somebody using him like a puppet to hurt her.

"I broke it off," he said in that same voice, shrugging at her. "It won't happen again. I'm sorry." He stood there, vulnerable in front of her, but putting it all off as casually as he could. If he couldn't lie to protect himself from the guilt and shame, then at least he could deny himself to feel anything at all. It hurt less that way.

 

[creamylips]

She watched him closely as he sorted out his thoughts. She wondered if he would decide to lie again, or maybe admit the truth to her this time. She wanted him to admit it, at least to admit it. But once he did, it hurt her much more than she expected. She listened to his words closely, and though he apologized for his actions, she could hear no remorse in his voice. That stung. She hated that. How could he do that to her? He was acting as if it was nothing, like it didn't even matter, and that killed her more than the act itself. She would have much rather him beg for her forgiveness for such a shamefull act.

She just sat there for a moment, leaving a moment of silence between them, letting it sink in. She didn't even know what to do or say. She just wanted it all to go away. She wished it never happened. He said it just happened, but that wasn't fair. She didn't understand how it could 'just happen'.

"You broke it off, huh?" she asked. It was getting harder and harder not to break down right there infront of him, to keep her voice steady, to act as if she was okay. She knew that he could tell she wasn't okay, no matter what facade she put on. But it wasn't fair that she was hurting and he wasn't at all. "After how long? Two, three times? Maybe more?" She looked him straight in the eye. She needed to know. "How many times did you sleep with her, Simon?"

 

[Rudolph Quin]

Emotionally hiding himself wasn't working. He saw the minuscule tremblings on her facial features and knew that what he'd said was hurting her. The guilt found him and he shoved the feeling away angrily. Wasn't her pain enough? Why did he have to hurt too? It wasn't like it would change anything or make it go away if they felt pain together. So instead of accepting the shame inside, he let the anger rise up and take it's place.

"Why do you fucking care?" he said defensively. "What will it prove if I tell you how many times? Will it make me any less sorry that it happened if I fucked her a lot? Will it make it easier for you to forgive me if you know the exact number? What? I said I was sorry! I told you she meant nothing to me! What more do you want?"

Simon stood in the doorway, glaring at her and breathing hard from yelling. Seriously, what did it matter? What was she getting at? He said he was sorry and he meant it! Nothing would change the past. He'd admitted to her what he'd done and he'd stopped before being found out. That should be enough to let them move forward and forget about this. She should just drop this and everything would go back to normal. The guilt would be gone and she'd be happy again. In the back of his mind, Simon knew that line of reasoning was flawed, but he was too full of pride and fear to stop thinking that way.

 

[creamylips]

She glared at him, not so happy about his yelling. But at least he was showing some sort of emotion, and that was better than what she got before. She didn't move though, not yet. She kept her place on the couch, keeping her distance from him only for a bit longer.

"Why do I care?" she asked. Her voice was louder than before, but she wasn't quite yelling at him yet. "I care because if you didn't mean for it to happen and it was just a fucking mistake, then why would you do it more than once? Huh? Why would you repeat that mistake again and again, knowing what you were doing was wrong? Tell me that Simon." She knew he probably wouldn't be able to. She knew he would probably just yell at her some more. He was angry and upset and drunk, and that was never a good combination.

She didn't believe he was actually sorry. But he was going to be. There was no way she could forgive him for something like this. She wanted to, but she wasn't going to. She wasn't going to be treated like this.

 

[Rudolph Quin]

There it was again, that awful feeling, except now, he had her yelling too. Simon felt attacked, like there wasn't anywhere to go, and the fact that he'd hurt her was hurting him as well. But despite himself being the culprit of this whole mess, she was yelling and he decided to blame it on her. She wanted to hurt him. It was only fair that he return the attack. The booze in his body helped grease the wheels of his own demise.

"Fine, if it'll make you happy," he said with a small angry smirk. "3 times, Rogue. I slept with her 3 fucking times. Do you feel better now that you know? I repeated my mistake, 3 times because I was thinking with my dick." Every word was said deliberately and coldly and he emphasized the last by grasping himself harshly through his pants. He stood there looking at her, swaying just a bit and uttered in quiet tones, "Thoughts of you, never entered my mind while I was with her, except to compare. And she was the best lay I've had in months." It wasn't necessarily a lie, but it wasn't the whole truth. He and Rogue hadn't had sex in a while even before Sam had started showing interest in him at work. The point in saying it was that it would hurt her and he felt a small sense of satisfaction after having said it.

But then it left him with a bad taste in his mouth and he sneered while shaking his head. He'd screwed up big time and it was time to end it. "Whatever," he said, scrubbing his hands through his hair in resignation. "I'm done with this right now. What's done is done, it's over. If you want to continue to fight about it, leave me out of it." He held up his hand to her, as if to quiet her with the gesture and tilting on his feet he turned from the doorway. He hoped she wouldn't provoke him anymore tonight. Who knew what more he'd say or do to hurt her.

 

[creamylips]

It was as if each word that came out of his mouth was a direct blow to her, and by the end of it she was covered in holes. She knew she asked him for it, but not like that. And she definetly didn't want to hear what he said next. She couldn't believe those words had actually come out of his mouth. Whatever happened to the man she fell in love with? Right now, she could see nothing to love about him.

"You don't sound sorry," she mumbled quietly, not caring if he heard her or not. She was saying it more to herself than she was saying it to him. She knew that yelling now was completly useless; it would just get him even more angry than he already was. And she didn't want to hurt anymore, she was already throbbing with too much pain for her to take.

"You're right," she said, and this time she actually was talking to him. She looked at his back, knowing he would probably listen even if he was turned away from her. Especially since she was calmly agreeing with him. "What's done is done, it's over." she repeated his words slowly and carefully, knowing they were completly true. She paused after she said them, taking in a deep breath before she said the next part. "We're over."

 

[Rudolph Quin]

Simon did listen to what she said, hoping that it was really done now, that the "fight" was over. But then he spun around quickly at what she said last. The words "We're over," echoed through him as he stared at her, and for the longest time he found it hard to react, his head swimming and foggy. Why? was all he could think of, as he stood in the doorway looking at her. Why had he said those things? Why did she have to end it all on one night of his loose tongue flapping? Why did he have to cheat on her in the first place?

He was breathing heavily and swallowing thickly, his eyes shining, but he wouldn't let it go. He just couldn't let himself break down in front of her, no matter how much it killed him to keep it all inside. So, the anger came out instead. "Fine!" he said angrily, grimacing at her. He stood there for a moment, not sure what to do, but finally roused and scowled meaningfully at her. "If that's the way you want to be, after all we've been through together and you want to blame me for what happened, then fine! But you must know that I did try to come to you. You just weren't available when I needed you." What he said didn't even remotely make sense, the few drinks he'd had talking for him, but he didn't stop--he couldn't stop.

"Go on and feel all high and mighty, like you didn't do anything wrong! Be proud of shutting me off and pushing me away!" In a sense that he did not realize, he wasn't even talking to her anymore, but himself. But still he didn't admit that he wasn't angry with her. "Have a nice life with someone else!" And he turned from the doorway, back the way he came, staggering as he got his coat off the hook in the closet and slamming the front door behind him as he left. How had everything gotten so screwed up?

 

[creamylips]

She watched his reaction, watched him wonder why she said what she did. But she had to. She knew it hurt him, but it hurt her even more to say it. She loved him, but she had to end it. For her own good.

She was upset when he yelled at her again. She hated when he yelled at her. He had a right to be mad, but so did she. And it seemed like he couldn't accept her right as much as she could accept his. But she wasn't going to yell at him again. She knew it would only make things worse. But he really made her want to.

"You think I want this?" she said between his rants. Her words dripped with venom, though her voice wasn't nearly as loud as his. "This was the last thing I wanted." That's all she said, because she knew it didn't even matter now. He wasn't listening to her anymore. She had hurt him, and she wished she hadn't.

She looked away as soon as he turned around. She couldn't take the sight of him walking away. She jumped a bit at the loud sound of the door slamming, shaking the house a bit, the sound echoing through the walls. She brought her knees to her chest, knowing she couldn't hold it in any longer. She wrapped her arms around her legs and burried her head, finally letting the tears out.

 

[Rudolph Quin]

After Simon left the apartment, he'd gone over to the house of a colleague from work to crash for the night. Sleep had been like a weight pulling him down into a darkness that surrounded him, silent and dead. When he awoke in the morning, his head pounded and his body felt like jello. And thinking of food made him feel sick. His friend was there, to shove water and breakfast in his face, even though his body violently rejected both. It wasn't until he was in the shower did he remember what had happened the night before, and the memory crashed down upon him like something heavy plummeting upon his shoulders from a very large height. Rogue...she'd broken up with him... She knew about Sam and he'd...said such awful things to her and she'd broken up with him. Grimacing as he scrubbed a hand through his hair, remembering what a fool he'd been and how he'd acted towards her, he really didn't blame her for reacting that way. But now he was sober and he had to fix this.

Getting dressed in yesterday's clothes and saying a quick goodbye to his friend from work, he left the apartment and headed home. As he walked there his mind raced. How could she take him back after the things he'd said? After the way he'd callously treated her? She had to know he still loved her--he'd just been drunk, that's all, and didn't know what he'd been saying. But no, now was not the time to shift the blame and make excuses. He had to be completely honest with her and show her how he felt. On the way, he stopped into a flower shop and bought her flowers, yellows, oranges and reds all wrapped neatly in a green paper bouquet. Climbing the stairs of their building up to their floor, he started to sweat. He didn't really have a plan except to say how stupid he'd been, and he didn't know how she would be feeling this morning about him after having a night to sleep on it and a morning to reflect on his behavior. She might not even give him a chance to explain...

When he got to the door of their apartment, he hesitated and almost knocked, before he decided just to enter. With flowers in the crook of his arm, he unlocked the door with his keys and entered. Not sure if she was up yet, he stood after closing the door behind him and took a deep breath before going to find her.

 

[creamylips]

Rogue awoke to the sun shining in through the living room window onto her body. She blinked her eyes and yawned, stretching her arms. She sat up to look where she was. It seemed she had fallen asleep on the couch eventually, though last night it seemed like she would never fall asleep. She turned her head to see the television still going. She looked around for the remote, having no idea where she had put it yesterday. Simon always had a way of finding it, and she never could. The thought of that, of him, annoyed her, and she soon gave up looking for it and walked to the TV, turning it off manually.

She made her way to the bathroom, shutting the door behind her even though she knew no one would be walking in. She looked at the mirror in disgust. Her eyes were red and puffy from crying. Her nose was stuffy and a bit red, her lips dry. Her skin looked pale and her hair was a mess. She didn't want to look at herself, so she turned away and undressed, deciding a nice long bath was the first step to looking at least decent.

She sat in the bathtub, popping bubbles. She always added bubbles in her bathtub; it made her feel more relaxed. She leaned back and let out a deep sigh, trying to clear her mind of all thoughts. It didn't work, and she buried her head under water to help. That didn't work either, and it wasn't long before her longs begged for air and she surfaced.

She walked out of the bathroom in a towel, going into the bedroom. The bedroom that they shared. As if the rest of the apartment didn't remind her enough of him, this room was the last place she wanted to be. But she needed to get dressed. She practically ran to the closet, opening it up. She ignored his clothes and went through her own. Everything hanged up was too nice for her to wear right now, and so she opened the dresser and searched for something else. She settled for sweatpants and a plain t-shirt. She wanted to be comfortable today, and she wasn't planning on seeing anyone anyway.

She walked back to the bathroom once she was dressed and combed through her hair. She examined herself in the mirror again- her hair was better, her eyes weren't big and red anymore, and her nose felt better. She still looked pale and lifeless though, and she knew getting food in her body would get rid of it. But she didn't feel hungry at all. She felt like shoving a single piece of anything down her throat would only make her vomit it back up. She sighed, grabbing her toothbrush and pouring a bit too much toothpaste on it, then commenced brushing her teeth. She heard a door close, and it sounded like her front door. She couldn't remember locking it last night. She spit into the sink and whiped her mouth, hoping it wasn't a burglar or anything. She took scissors with her just incase, holding them up by her head, and stepped out of the bathroom into the hallway toward the door. She turned the corner and screamed when she saw someone there. She immedietly recognized the person standing infront of her, and it was the last person she expected to see. She caught her breath after the scare, feeling her heart race in her chest from the fear and the sight infront of her. "What are you doing here?"

 

[Rudolph Quin]

"Whoa! Take it easy!" he said to her when she screamed with the pair of scissors held up in her hand, his own hand held out in a calming gesture, like he wanted her to put them down. Seeing her like this, in the flesh, made everything painfully real and he felt the memories of last night come upon him more powerful than before. He licked his lips nervously as his eyes took in the sight of her. Her hair was still wet from being in the shower or a bath--he remembered how much she liked baths, bubbles in particular and he felt a clenching in his chest. Things couldn't really be over, could they? Her pale, milky skin looked vibrant and clean and her bright eyes held the light as if they could illuminate a room on their own. Her comfortable clothes did not detract from her beauty, but emphasized it, the casual nature of what she was wearing bringing forth memories of lazing about the house with her and times of laughter.

"What are you doing here?"

He was roused from his awed inspection of her by her words and stood up straighter, looking at her sadly. "I...I came to apologize," he said, in a humble tone. "For last night and for...what I did before... I said a lot of things I didn't mean last night, stuff I shouldn't have said, and I'm sorry for hurting you." Unlike last night, his voice held true remorse, as did his eyes and his posture. Would she accept it? Would she take him back? To add to his words, he held out the flowers to her uncertainly, not sure if she would take them or not.

 

[creamylips]

She looked at his face, judging him. He did seem pretty sorry, but it didn't erase the past. But she couldn't completly ignore the fact that she still loved him, and that she wanted to work this out so badly. Her gaze fell to the flowers. He knew how much she loved flowers. She couldn't reject anyone when they were given her flowers. It was like a weakness of hers. She grabbed the flowers and turned around, walking down the hall and into the kitchen, thinking he would probably follow her.

She set the scissors down on the kitchen counter and opened up one of the top cuppords to reveal a vase on the second shelf. She wasn't about to kill the flowers he'd given her. "So, is there anything else you have to say? Or is that all?" Her voice was emotionless, just plain curious. She didn't look lok at him as she spoke, and instead focused on reaching the vase. She was on her tiptoes and reached her arms up as far as they could go, and she could almost reach it. She usually didn't get stuff from the top shelfs; he always got it for her. She reached a little higher and felt her hand touch the glass. She dug deeper into the cuppord, but she couldn't reach around it enough to be able to grab it without dropping it.

 

[Rudolph Quin]

Simon exhaled the breath he'd been holding in, when she took the flowers from him, and followed her down the hallway. As he passed the living room he felt a pang of guilt and shame as he remembered what he'd said as he stood in that doorway last night. And she was the best lay I've had in months..... But you must know that I did try to come to you. You just weren't available when I needed you. How could he have been so stupid? Now, in the light of day and the clarity of sobriety he saw how utterly ridiculous what he'd said was, just blindly lashing out at her with anything that seemed like it would make a good weapon. Had he really been so desperate to hide his feelings and his sorrow from her? Even as he remembered what he'd said, he also remembered what she'd said and he knew that his verbal blows had not only landed, but they'd practically destroyed her. It would be hard working back up from how low he'd let himself sink, but it was worth it if they would end up together again. Sighing, he moved on from the living room and continued into the kitchen.

He saw her struggling with the vase and trying to reach it and immediately he stepped forward. Simon's body pressed into her back a little as he reached up, his hand moving past hers to grasp the glass jug firmly. He could smell her freshly cleaned body up this close, her warmth and curves fitting into him perfectly, and he had to force himself to move away when he pulled the vase down and handed it to her. Taking a deep breath, he stood against the counter just a few feet from her, facing her but it was hard to meet her gaze.

"I can't explain why I said those things to you last night," he said, his tone soft and his demeanor ashamed. "Nothing will make what I said right, but I want you to know that I didn't mean a word of it. I will do whatever it takes to make it up to you. If that means giving up drinking, then I'll do it." He paused and looked down at the kitchen tiles before speaking. "As for my relationship with Sam... I've just been going through a hard time at work lately and she was there and she was interested in me... It was a moment of weakness and it won't ever happen again." When he looked at her, he finally let himself start to feel it, the sorrow filling his eyes and his nose reddening slightly from unshed tears.

 

[creamylips]

She was surprised to feel a body press up against hers. She could feel the warmth emitting from him and touching her skin. She could see his hands almost touching hers, and she felt like she would collapse. She retracted her hands and brought them down to her sides, turning to him only to take the vase from his hands, not meeting his eyes. "Thanks," she mumbled, setting it down on the counter. She turned the knob for the sink and filled the vase with some water. Soon as it was a third of the way full, the turned off the water and set it back down on the counter. She reached over and grabbed the flowers, unwrapping them, and placing them in the vase.

She played with the flowers as he spoke, bunching and unbunching them, constantly rearranging them, taking one or two out and putting it back in a different spot. She'd rather concentrate on flowers than have to look at his face. But she knew she couldn't avoid him forever.

"Why didn't you talk to me? If you were having a hard time you should have come to talk to me." Her voice was soft, trying to hold back the tears. She finally turned her head to face him, but her eyes did not meet his. His words echoed in her head. But you must know that I did try to come to you. You just weren't available when I needed you. She'd analyzed every word he'd said over and over again last night, and she couldn't help but think some of it was true. "Was I really not there for you when you needed me? Was I really so hard to talk to, that you turned to your coworker for relief?"

 

[Rudolph Quin]

He let out a deep breath through his nose and put his hands in his pockets. Why hadn't he come to her? It wasn't like it had been any easier sneaking around with Sam, than it would have been to come home and just have sex with his girlfriend. In fact, it had been harder. But he'd done it, three times with her even, instead of keeping himself where he belonged. And he knew it had very little to do with Rogue, but his own messed up reasoning and the choices he'd made.

He shrugged helplessly, feeling like no matter how he reasoned it out, he couldn't find an explanation that fit. "I don't know, I guess I just liked the attention from someone else. It was new and exciting...I just...I don't know." Hearing her ask about what he'd said last night, he winced and rubbed his face with his hands. "No! No, I told you, I didn't mean that. I was just drunk and looking to shift the blame. It was stupid of me to say that." He sighed and shook his head. "I guess I just didn't want you to know I was having trouble. It would have felt like failure to ask for your help. I'm suppose to stay strong and if I told you about it, it would be like admitting I was weak. From someone else, who didn't really know me, who didn't expect anything of me, she couldn't judge me." He looked at her, filled with relief at finally revealing himself to her and yet his eyes held trepidation. "I didn't want to disappoint you. But I guess I ended up doing that anyway."

It was as close to baring his soul as he could get, but if she wanted more, Simon was willing to bleed for her.

 

[creamylips]

She tried her best to understand what he was saying, but she couldn't completly grasp it. He was too proud to admit he needed her help. It made some sense to her- he was a guy, guys were like that. But she didn't want him to be like every other guy. He was her guy.

She shook her head from side to side. "It's not supposed to be like that," she said, her voice quiet but pained. "In a relationship you should be able to come to the other person no matter what you need. Not be afraid that they'll judge you." That's how she thought it should be, that's how she wanted it to be. "There's supposed to be trust and love, not pride and fear." She could feel the tears building up, but she didn't want to cry again. Not infront of him, not now. She leaned her hand against the counter for support, taking a breath to calm herself down before she continued. Her eyes finally met his, and seeing the pain in them, seeing how sorry he really was, it was enough to make her break down right then and there. "We're supposed to love each other no matter what Simon." Her voice was barely steady now, but she didn't let the tears go, not yet.

 

[Rudolph Quin]

"I know," he said in a tight voice. He'd never cried in front of anyone before and even though he was close now, he didn't intend on letting the tears flow. So he held them back and the effort of doing so was clear in his voice. "I know, and I do love you. It won't happen again and I'll be more truthful from now on, I'll tell you everything... Just please give me another chance." The last he said in a pained whisper. She couldn't leave him, he was nothing without her. The thought of trying to live without her in his life felt like there was a hole in his chest and it was sucking everything around him into it. Such a large hole would be likely to destroy him in the end. He couldn't let it come about, he couldn't let her leave him.

Taking in a shuddering breath and seeing how hurt she was, he stepped forward and put his arms around her. Just holding her and touching her, made it seem like he could hang onto her and it was the only thing keeping her from leaving him. He felt like he never wanted to let go.

 

[creamylips]

She pulled her eyes away from his. She couldn't take seeing him like this. She wished she could take the pain away for both of them. Just erase what happened and start over. But she knew it wasn't that simple. It was never the simple. And she couldn't pretend like it was. She couldn't just forgive him, she couldn't pretend like what he did was okay, like she was okay. But if she didn't do that, what else could she do? She couldn't live without him, she knew that from the moment she laid eyes on him. She didn't know what to do.

Having his arms around her was too much, but she didn't pull away, she couldn't. Instead she laid her head on his shoulder and finally let her tears fall. At least he couldn't see her face. "I can't just forgive you Simon, I can't, I shouldn't." Her tears were evident in her voice. "How do I know you're actually going to change, that you'll never do it again? You hurt me and it's not right for me to take you back. It's not fair to me." She knew the words coming out of her mouth were true, and she did believe them, but she wanted to get past them. She wanted to forgive him and move on. But she wasn't the type of person to easily forgive and forget. She needed to know, somehow, that he really did love her, that he would never hurt her like this ever again.

 

[Rudolph Quin]

Simon kissed the top of her head and rubbed down her hair and back with a hand, softly, gently. He knew she was crying and it twisted something inside him like it was going to break. And that something did, almost like a painful wrenching of a body part physically from his chest when she spoke those words. Right then, he realized how much he'd hurt her and how close to the precipe he was of losing her, maybe forever. Sure, maybe with time she'd be willing to eventually give him another chance, but if he wasn't with her, the less likely he'd be able to prove himself to her and thus, the less likely he was to ever get her back. It was now or never, and it sounded like she was basically saying "Never". For the first time, the fear hit him unguarded and he trembled as he held her in his arms and the first tears began to fall from his eyes.

"Please," he began in a tortured voice. "I will do whatever it takes to prove myself to you, but you've got to give me a chance to show you. I can't..." His voice broke and he uttered a small sob before sniffling and continuing. He held her face cradled in his hands and pressed his forehead to hers. "I can't live without you. I'm so, so sorry, Rogue..." He whispered to her in a tormented voice. And he just trailed off as small sobs wracked his body and tears streamed down his cheeks. The agony was real, and that tearing in his chest earlier felt like the hole was threatening to form. The hole that would consume his life before it killed him from the inside out. The hole she would leave if she were to go.

 

[creamylips]

She could feel a body shaking, and she assumed it was her own. But her ears picked up the sound of his pained and trembling voice. It couldn't be. He was actually crying? The man who was too proud to show any weakness infront of her, now was crying. She couldn't believe it. Seeing his face meant it was true, and she watched the tears fall from his eyes and down his cheeks. She reached her hand up to press against his warm cheek. She rubbed her thumb across the trail of tears, and she could feel a slight wetness. It was real, all of it. Looking into his eyes, she knew his words were true. He needed her as much as she needed him.

Slowly, she wrapped her arms around him and rested her head on his shoulder, returning the embrace he had earlier initiated. "I believe you.." she whispered. She stayed like that for a moment, just holding him, feeling him in her arms again. Before she loosened the hug to look at his tearstained face, her eyes gazing deep into his. She took a deep, trambling breath before she spoke again. "I.. forgive you."

 

[Rudolph Quin]

Exhaling a breath of relief, he continued to silently cry for several moments in her arms before getting a hold on himself again. And when she looked at him and told him she forgave him, Simon gave her a soft smile and leaned down to kiss her. His lips caresed hers, warmly and gently, savoring every touch of her lips and drinking in her delightful taste. He drew back, and looked in her eyes, the tears on his cheeks drying and said in a confident tone, "You won't regret it." And he meant it. In the past month or so, their relationship had grown to be habitual and stale and the ties that bound their hearts together had grown lax. Still connected but not as tight as before, and he'd let it happen through complacency and neglect. In the past week he'd pushed himself further away from her testing those binding heartstrings and in the last 24 hours they'd almost broken completely. Now that he had a firm grip on her and she him, he wasn't ever going to let them get that way again. Not by lack of effort at least.

Cradling her chin gently in his hands he kissed her again, filling his mouth with all his love for her, his lips massaging hers pasionately. They grew increasingly more hungry and his tongue darted within her mouth. It might have been too soon after the argument to get like this, but kissing her and touching her, it was like it was all happening for the very first time and he couldn't get enough. Her taste, her skin, her warmth, it was intoxicating and he wanted to drown his senses, drown himself in her.