Am I Selfish/Egotistical?

[Melevolence]

So I've been brooding over an incident that happened today. Part of me feels like I'm overblowing things but at the same time it feels like it was a major slap to the face and blow to my ego. It also feels like the community that I helped build is two faced as fuck and I've begun to resent it.

I'm a Smash player. I've been down and heavy in the Maine competitive scene for about 5 years now. We started off playing Melee and Project M (Mostly project m for me at that time) and once Smash 4 came out I moved full time to that game. I was there when it started, was initially one of the best players (Was winning tournaments consistently until players all adapted and now I've sort of tapered off at roughly 18th place in the state which is fine imo).

I've always brought set ups and been active in the community. Giving advice, helping set up training sessions, attending smaller events not for the money but to help other areas in the state get a foot hold while also helping newer players. I've greatly enjoyed my time in the scene...until recently.

I never did any of the above to garner attention to myself. To be some idolized person in our scene. Though I can't help but notice that no one, and I mean NO ONE in our scene has seemed to take any notice of my efforts. Attention always seems to gravitate towards the top players in our state as well as more...'loud' players who make a literal scene (For better or for worse). I've begun to grow irritated because what had once been a tight knit community has begun to taper off into what feels like an exclusive club.

One of my friends took the reigns on being the central TO after our prior one stepped down to focus on other matters. In doing so he's become a bit of a celebrity in his own right among the group. He's even gotten sponsored (Despite him, with all due respect, being a horrendous player) which feels annoying at times. I feel that, incidentally, this has bloated his ego. He's pretty much forgotten I exist (Only talking to me at events and only if he has to) which hurts in itself.

Since his 'take over' of the scene he's been following lots of trends on the competitive circuit. Namely he's been implementing 'Saga' tournaments (ZeRo Saga and such basically prompted him to copy this), but the Saga's are named after only his closer Smash friends for the most part. This Saturday we are having a tournament and this is where my point of bitterness comes into play.

He wanted to do a 'heros vs villains' theme for the event. 10 vs 10 player crew battles. He was selecting team captains and members for each side. I was excited because I was hoping that maybe this time I could be a part of it. I messaged him about it to inquire how people were being chosen but he didn't give me any real answer (Thus another point of contention, there is little to no transparency at all ever since he took over running events. It's rather annoying). So over the past week or so he'd do player reveals every day or so. My best friend and room mate got on the 'villain' side which surprised me (He's considered mid tier on our power rankings and most every player chosen up until that point were power ranked, top 15). I thought that, for sure, I would be put opposite him on the hero side, as we had a constant gag where he was the Vegeta to my Goku (Since our personalities are completely the opposite at times and we take jabs at each other like the characters, etc. Fuck our DOUBLES name is Team Gogeta for crying out loud)

Needless to say...I didn't make the cut. Again. This is probably the 6 or 7th crew battle that I seem to not be included in. Normally I guess I wouldn't care yet there have been several ranked players who tell me regularly 'what an important member' I am, yet each time these sorts of things come up that I could be a part of...it's just the buddy crew who are permitted.

It just feels like all my work, my blood sweat and tears continue to yield no fruit and I hate it so much.

Am I just an ego filled cunt or is am I just normal for feeling so dejected by people who I've tried to be a solid part of for so long?

 

[Trygon]

Why are you so stuck on getting the spotlight? Did you start playing Smash for recognition, or to hone your skills and be the best player you could be?

Frankly, if you went from the top of the state rankings to ~18th, there's your answer. You're not relevant in front of the camera, and your support behind the camera doesn't earn you camera time. You bring setups and help newbies for the health of the scene, not to earn a payout in social cred.

I can't speak to your "friend" or their decisionmaking process - Maybe they're egotistical cunts, or maybe you have awful screen presence. Either way, if you want recognition, you need to elevate your own rankings. Someone at 18th who's got a unique, engaging character (Read: Not the 1 billionth DBZ name) might get sponsored on that, but someone at 1st is gonna get eyes even if they're mute.

 

[Melevolence]

I should say we don't have a 'screen presence' as a state yet so it isn't really that.

I think what irks me is I feel I don't get the same kind of respect as other players either in or outside the game. It feels like there are people who get all sorts of praise and stuff when they, in my personal opinion, haven't done anything to better our community as a whole. They, admittedly are a bit charismatic but I think that's what bothers me. People 'love them' but for no real reason.

I don't really know how I can word how I feel overall, which is a problem in itself. I feel partially my feelings have become this way due to how tight knit we were. We weren't all trying to be big esports pros and such. Our community felt...isolated, I guess? Then the TO's tried to be more 'esports' and gave us exposure which has begun to inflate many player egos overall has made our scene feel incredibly try hardy and fake.

So it feels like because of that all the 'top tier' players get all the spotlight in these events when it never used to be that way and a lot of them get this 'coverage' just for being good and none of the other hard workers (Both players and those who help in other ways) get any kudos at the very least.

I dunno. Maybe I've just become disenchanted with the scene.

 

[Trygon]

Honestly, it really sounds like you begrudge the scene for outgrowing your control.