Just a Shady Journal

[Umbrale]

I'll come up with a better, punny name later.

So, uh... journal thing, huh?

Um... feel free to comment, I suppose,if you're reading this.

Uh. Been doing ok, as of late. My muse is rather dead, but that's naturally re-occuring. Been rather depressed as of late, so it's only natural, really.

That's two naturals. That's going to bug me.
But, I'm too lazy to fix it.

Fair warning, this is free-form as fuck. Don't expect something organized and neat here.

To all my partners, I'm sorry about my writing. I can never apologize enough. I don't take pride in anything I do... I just can't seem to. It's simultaneously my biggest drive to do better, and try harder, as well as my largest downfall. I always feel like I can do better.

Sorry if I badger you with questions asking if I'm writing enough. I only want everyone else to have fun...

"Shoot the arrow!", said the bowman.
"Not, do I know how.",
Came from the lips of the boatman.
"Yet, why did we come?",
asks, ever-present, the huntsman.
Silence, the air only whispers,
"Never to be, only to see.", said the human.​

 

[Umbrale]

RE: Shadowy Journal-Thing

And just like that, it's faded away.
Like the Memories, of forgotten day.

I'm a really depressed person. Shy, and mind you, of the Tsun nature, it's rather hard to fit in. The few that I do enjoy the company of, I can't stop myself from pushing them away.

I suppose this is going to hold some depressive rants, but that's what journals are for, I suppose.

My muse was starting to make a come-back, but that seems quickly defeated... I don't know, we'll see...

That's all for now, I think. Best not to log all that makes my heart ache, in one day.

Apologies to any partners that my replies are lacking, or non-existant, for...​

 

[Umbrale]

RE: Shadowy Journal-Thing

My muse is kind of dead now. Should be back sometime, but... hell, if I know when. It always comes back eventually.

But for now, I might go on a hiatus. Might.


'Tis the weight of the air that bears down on me.
Like torture, it settles, it crushes, and compacts.
All around, yet nowhere at all.
There, but gone, never to be seen again,
'cept for every waking moment.


When an actor fills a role in a play long enough, he might not even notice the mask is on. There, the true horror fleets through, to fill the mind with a doubt of conscientiousness. Are you, quite simply, who you are?

Can you say it with an utmost certainty?

 

[Umbrale]

RE: Shadowy Journal-Thing

Depression is kicking my ass. Reoccurring, more powerful each time, it strikes. Almost every day now... it aches and tears at me... tries to pull me down...

As I explained to a friend..."It's like a hand made of ice. It closes about your heart, and holds steadily. The cold, it permeats. It sinks in, and expands, till your whole body is cold. If one manages to melt it, it only becomes a slurry. A diabolical mess of ice and water, that serves to send you careening down the mountain of mental fortitude. Ever descending... ever falling, forever..."

 

[Umbrale]

RE: Shadowy Journal-Thing

Alrighty, to everyone. I'm going on a two-day hiatus here, so if anyone pays attention to this, that's why I'm gone.

Additionally, I think my muse is starting to recover somewhat(it's about time), so I'll try to get my replies around to everyone. Anyone whom thinks I'm forgetting about them, please PM me, and we'll work through it. I've just been really tired and stressed of late, so nothing has been working out...

Because it feels right,
"Stay Frosty, Loves."

​

 

[Umbrale]

RE: Shadowy Journal-Thing

Huh. What's there to write about this time.

It's strange, I suppose. As things grow stranger or better, in my life, my own stability seems to weaken. Blame it on my introvert-ness, or the fact that I don't experience 'happiness' often; but the more fun that seems to seep into my life, the stronger my depression grows. Perhaps, because it is fleeting.

I apologize to all my partners, as well. I used to reply so often, now... I only find the energy for a select one, or two.

Please bear with me.

Until next time, hopefully sooner.

 

[Frostsch]

RE: Shadowy Journal-Thing

"Stay Frosty, Loves."

You mean, stay frostsch?

Sounds good, Allie! Take your time. It is only through your trials and struggles that you can truly experience happiness. Hang in there.

 

[Umbrale]

RE: Shadowy Journal-Thing

Oh my, somebody reads this?!

Well, that's a surprise.

Heya, though, Frostch. Thanks for stating the obvious.


It's just one hell of a long rode.

And, of course, that was meant as a reference to you~




In other non-special-snowflake-related news( ), I've discovered(well, just basically realized, I've known it for a while) another reason for my absurd lack of muse.

It seems that I'm kind-of head-over-heels for someone. Granted, the person does know it, but they have a significant other, that's in a strange situation, that the person would be probably better-off without... buuuuut, their heart is set on that significant other.

Anyways, it's a big mess, and it tends to just wrack across my brain; especially because me and this person are really good friends, we hang out alot. Don't get me wrong, I understand the greater moral values, and can accept that fact that being friends is good-enough; because I do truly wish them the best, and what they want, at that.

But I find my heart fluttering more and more often at their closeness, I find my eyes trailing, if only to admire beauty. Even more so on the note of my infatuation; my eyes only do track on that beauty. For whatever reason--and, mind you, I can usually do it with an almost absurd ease--I can't even fantasize about this person. It seems like if I would, or could, that it would put her thought to shame, more than anything; and that alone is enough to subconsciously sway it. It's rather funny, that I can't even do so, considering I do come to a site like this, to rant my... ahem, creative eroticies.

Ack, but it's just such a thorn in my side... yet, I keep quiet. My muse sapped by this conundrum, only because what energy is normally stored for it, is seeped away by the fluttering of my heartstrings at something that will be presumably-forever out of my reach.

If only, if only, I want to say; but, this person loves their other, and I respect that enough, I suppose.



That's it for today's rant.

Thanks, ya'll-that-do-read, for tuning in-to another exciting episode of,
"The fuck is my life?"
​

 

[HeyThereLittleBear]

RE: Shadowy Journal-Thing

Your words are so beautifully written!

Big hugs to you. Your muse will return. If you need someone to talk to, my inbox is open to everyone

 

[Umbrale]

RE: Shadowy Journal-Thing

Alrighty. Been a long time since I was back here! ^^'

Hello again, everyone. I'm back, more or less. My muse is returning, and I find myself fresh, and ready to get back into writing.


Since I'm not in a mopey mood today, I'll just explain my current energy situation. Basically, I work a job at Subway, a sandwhich chain, which is beyond difficult for someone with social anxiety like me. I push through it, despite the stress it gives me, though, because I really need " 'dem monies", for my education. Gods, tuition in the US. Like, sure, let's build a wall, make more guns, and ban immigrants! Everything, but more affordable education! Clearly, our own stupidity is the fault of others! Let's have our own citizens go deeply into debt, just to get a life!

Anywho, it's been draining me thoroughly, but I'm managing. With any luck, I'll be getting a second job, at a cafe. Not only have I always wanted to be a barista, but I'd get to work with a close friend of mine(and also happens to be the person of my dreams that I was moping over in the last posts x3).

Speaking of whom, we're way better. We're wonderful friends, and as I've recently discovered, the person does like me. Apparently, despite their previous inclinations, something has blossomed, as we've grown to know one another. However, they still want to hold the promise of trying again, with a person they (at least) used to love, in a few months time. So incredibly ironic.

It's strange. It hurts, akin to nothing else, to know that they share at least some of the same feelings, but cannot act upon them. And I'm moving away in two months time... Yet, simultaneously, it is the best feeling I've ever felt...


...Anywho, only time will tell.





Thanks for tuning in, to another episode, of,
"The fuck is my life?"​

 

[Umbrale]

RE: Shadowy Journal-Thing

Alrighty. Things are looking up, folks!

Well, I really can't say that yet, but I love my new job! Working at the cafe is a blast, the employees are all very nice and supportive; and the environment itself is just wonderful. I'm going to absolutely adore working there. It's going to be a stupidly great contrast to the hell-on-earth that working at Subway is... gods, I hate it unlike anything else.

But, I get to work nights, at least. Since I know the supervisor-manager, she's going to write my schedule around the cafe's....


But, of course, all these warm fuzzies from the cafe will translate into more muse, it seems. Here's to hoping I get back on track!


And, on that note, sorry again to all my partners...I'll get to those starters soon, I promise...



That's the big thing of the night, I suppose. Had a bit of an anxiety-apathy attack, though, from the former to the latter. Nothing too major, just made me re-realize how fragile my emotions are...


Tomorrow's going to suck, and be awesome, simultaneously. I have to work four hours at Subway, but I take up some Kickboxing classes with my love-interest, so that'll be awesome.


Um... that's all I got, I guess. Vent kind of over.




Thanks for tuning in to, another episode of,
"The Fuck is My Life?"​

 

[Umbrale]

RE: Shadowy Journal-Thing

Alrighty, we're back again.

Gods, I don't even know where things are going anymore.

The person in question is utterlessly confused, but things have kind of progressed. We're being affectionate now, if that's anything, but they don't exactly know if things are good enough to take it a step past that.

Of course I'm over here just being incredibly passive. If I act on the emotions I feel, it'll only stress them out in the situation all the more. I feel as if I have to constantly restrain myself, which is emotionally exhausting. To hold yourself back from easing the pain of which someone gives themself--and in the process of acting, if you so choose, it only confuses them farther-- is an emotionally draining experience.

I just find myself more tired than ever. I'm not sleeping well, I'm exhausted at all times, and depression is threatening to take hold of my life once again.

It's so nice to be around them, to hold them and smile with them. Their laugh can brighten my day, and make everything wonderful again. But simultaneously, their presence reminds me of futility, and the pain of having to leave those that you love.


Anyways, I'm (finally?) emotionally and mentally unstable enough to throw my pain, anger, and misery away at fueling imagination. That's good right?

Bleh.


Thanks for tuning in again, those-that-do-read,
For another exciting, jaw-dropping, pulse-pounding, episode of:
"The Fuck is my Life?"​

 

[Razgriz]

RE: Shadowy Journal-Thing

I can only express my condolences at your situation. I do hope things work out between you and your good friend.

If you ever need an ear, my inbox is always open.

 

[Umbrale]

RE: Shadowy Journal-Thing

Yada-yada, stuff and things. Love life worked out, but kind of in a long distance relationship for a few weeks. My plans for the near future were shattered. Going to be that late-bloomer grabbing a license, and then heading out to try and anchor myself in the seas of life once more. Yet, if something was to slip, I feel as if there's nothing left but to fall with it.



Short summary since the last update, over.

Do you ever feel... Like a plastic bag, drifting through the wind, ready to start again?

Don't worry, I hate myself for that too.


Do you ever feel like you're not yourself. Like somedays, you're someone else? Have you ever thought, that you frankly don't actually know yourself?

I might just be a hopeless dreamer, but the call to lose myself in this world, if only to find myself, tug at my heartstrings unlike anything else. To travel the world, a step, a ride, at a time, searching for the part of me that is ever distant...

But, I can rationalize enough to notice that the redundancy of it, is extreme. Do I ruin a life of expectation and eventual promise, to find my soul out there somewhere? Or do I endure the rift in myself, ever-longer, until casuality gives me the chance?


Just musings, I suppose. I know myself, rhat I could never throw myself to fate. Not now, at least. If a stone slips out from under me, I shall just allow myself to tumble ever-down with it. Through the currents of this Sea.



I hope your days go beautifully, love.
Yes, yours.

 

[Umbrale]

Huh. Been a while since I was back here.

In general, on this site, and in this journal. Multi-pronged reverse deja-vu?


Anywho, things are as trash as usual! ^^'

But, if it's any benefit, I've been creating a bit of a more positive outlook for my life. Even through all the shenanigans of trouble that it tends to throw at me, I'm trying not to just lose all vigor.

My job has settled finally into the normal hum-drum drone of a thing that passes with a zombie's attention. Of course that makes it agonizing in retrospect, but it's bare-able. However, I am slightly excited when it comes to March, as I have a job lined up at a local coffee shop and its affiliated restaurant. I know that it'll give me all the hours I need, a decent environment, and plenty of tips. And heck, I love being a barista.


On the more downside of things, I may need to find a new place to live for a few months. *Sigh* That'll be a load of fun.

I just wanted to apologize to all my partners and people I started things with before going on hiatus. I'm pretty terrible at staying stable here, I've noticed. So, I'm sorry to all of ya'll awesome people.





That's all I got for now,
Thanks for tuning in to another episode of,
"The fuck,
Is my life? "​

 

[Umbrale]

Bits and pieces at a time.

So I'm down in EDC this weekend. It's been a blast, has really opened up my eyes and freed parts of me, but it's with this freedom, that realization comes.

I don't really have anyone, anymore. Noone to text me out of the blue, no friends that want to hang out from their own volition. I don't have anyone that particularly cares that I'm still around, besides family that gives it no more than a passing thought, and the strangers on this site, that I can't even reply too...


EDC is my first rave, festival, and concert. So far it's taught me not to be so self-conscious, and realize humanity is so much more than it lets itself be. But as to myself, I don't know. One more night to go, with no clue what comes of my life, out the other side.

 

[Umbrale]

Okay, incredibly depressive state in the middle of euphoria over, I'm rather stabilized now.

Really digging my job still, even though I do have to forcibly ignore the awkwardness of working with coworkers who are a family. It's kind of unfair, considering they'll complain about the few small things I do, but not about one-another. I feel like I work really, really hard, and I greatly enjoy my job, but they're so prejudiced against me.

Though, as I said, I'm stabilized. Working through the Summer until I move away in August(it'll be hard to quit this job, I greatly enjoy my boss, and I feel like I owe her a lot), and get a room with the close friend that I went to EDC with. That'll be a life-changer, and for the better, I believe. A fresh-start, in a new land, with new friends and plenty of people.

In the moment, my only problems are sleep-scheduling(getting enough, and waking up at a decent time), and pretty soon here, forcing my ass back into activity. I've gained a decent chunk of weight recently, and for fuck's sake, I want to rid myself of it. I feel gross...

But, I'm confident I'll get there! To the gym with me! Eventually!


And now, because I haven't in quite a while, musings;


Starlit. Twinkling spheres of ethereal rain,
falling frozen in a sky-abyss.
Grandiose, magnificent,
in the distance but giants of power.
To sight, sparkles of beauty,
over the desolate stillness of a murky pond.

 

[Umbrale]

Okeys. Finally went to the gym.

I decided I'm going to be posting here each time I go, so that strangers on the internet can yell at me whenever I miss days! I'm counting on your guys! xD

Not going to tell you guys how much I weigh, but I will say that I'm thirty pounds over my lowest weight.

Today started out with a third of a mile jog in 5 minutes, as a warm up while stretching. Then kicked into 4x10 squats at 95lbs, going super light and focusing on straight back, deepening the squat, and exploding. Then moved into leg-curls, 4x7-ish, at 75lbs. Never did those before, so it was something new. After that I did a superset of walking DB lunges and alternating bicep curls, at 4/7-ish and 4x8 of 25lbs.
Abs were up next, and were all till failure(which wasn't really more than 12reps), starting with dynamax stretching via halos only for a minute, then situp-russian-twists, what amounts to reverse crunches with a leg-extension, shadowbox-situps, and finally dynamax situps with an arm extension and hand rotation for a bit of grip/reaction speed training. I went through two sets of abs, second one shorter than the first(obviously, because to-failure).

I finished off the workout with a cooldown quarter-mile walk & jog.

Man, my legs are jelly. But, as much as it was torture, I totally forgot about all the raw dopamine after a workout. Once your body calms down, it's relaxing as fuck.

Here's to the future, I guess, and all ya'll holding me accountable!







I want a six-pack, damnit!

 

[Umbrale]

Shhhh. Ignore that last post.





Loooooooong story short, I've moved out to Utah, settled in, got a job, and I think I've finally stabilized financially. I can pay my bills, and I finally have enough spare money to get a fucking gym membership. Woot-woot!

On the other hand, I feel like my friends don't really want me around, and I had to crush the hopes of a person who had feelings for me. Mostly because my current state of mind and myself in general, are too toxic to become intimate with.
I just don't want to offload my problems on someone else, or take out my aggression on them. I've been so temperamental, and violent, and just... Ugh. Mood swings, and some pretty severe depression. I'm jinxing it, but I think it's lifted just a bit today.

Anywho, I have like three stories going right now. All looking pretty solid, and another one to maybe startup. Guess we'll see where that goes, but I'm frankly not promising anything. I realized a while back that I need to stop committing to literally everything that comes my way, lest I get toasted the fuck out. That means burnt, yo. Trying to stay hip with the kids.

Aye, but you know what needs to be a thing? Fanmail. If not fanmail, like, reviews and Stu of forum stories. Like, yeah, that things got 1K+ views, then there has to be a reliable reader at that point, right? Like, somebody has to be excited for every new post.

Feels good to ramble.

Anywho, yeah, that's where the brain is at 12:40 in the morning, when I should be getting to sleep.


I wish I could just sleep for, like, ever. Almost, forever.