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I caught myself smiling today...
... I was thinking about you...
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=t5IMuK_Z7DY
This is a thread I've been wanting to write for a very long time. Longer than I had planned, but now... time is running out. I need to write it.
It's... winter now. I live in Norway, and my ancestors were vikings. The cold and the frost basically shaped us to who we are today. However... I can't remember the winter ever being this cold before...
Ever since I killed my prince earlier this spring... Life hasn't been the same. But it wasn't because I stood alone for the first time in my life. No, it was because... *she* wasn't there...
Have you ever killed off a deity before? Have you ever looked your very soul into the eyes, see its smile and care for you glow through its pupils while you glare angrily like an animal back at it? The ritual to kill him took a week...
First day was placement of the runes... Circles... Candles...
Second day went in with gathering and creating incenses... To make sure the trance would stay strong.
Then... on the third day, it begun. Circles and candles were lit, runes were glowing, and the room was covered in a hoarse haze of incense. Sparkles of magic, mindnumbing fragrances and dark music roamed the four next days. No sleep, no eating, no breaks... My movements only induced through the runes and incenses, as the circles, candles and sacrifices made sure to thank a person for a life, and return it to where it came.
I still wonder how I managed to do it, how I could keep going while life held no purpose, but it was a promise I made to her. Thinking back, I can still remember every detail of the ritual, but at the same time, something hurts in my head when I do. As if the memory is not meant to be remembered.
The time that followed, I was given gifts. Some materialistic ones, others in more spiritual ways. I was given a decent job, and even given a car shortly after things ended between me and.... her. And of course, after I killed him. Over the summer, they saw it was not enough. While praying to higher powers that she wouldn't leave me and instead take me now that she had me under her spells, I prayed to old and new gods. Some answered, others didn't. Those who did apparently saw more in me than others and thus wanted me to have more. I was granted money, several other jobs, and even a higher class of connections.
But... why do one gift things to a man who doesn't want life itself? I was struggling... Really struggling... My dreams about her became more and more real. More... more real than they had ever been of my brother. On several occasions.. Driving home from work, I was listening to synthwave. A music genre I "discovered" over the summer, and had been listening to to help me cope. But again, on several occasions... Driving home in the evening, everything is pitch black and its just the music in my car... There hasn't been few times where I have been on the edge of just closing my eyes, speed the car up and ram into a wall made of concrete. First time I was on the edge, I cried... I had no idea she reached this deep into me. But every time I came towards that edge in the night, it became easier and easier to play with the idea... suicide...
before one night...
Just before my birthday this year, I saw she write a little message here on this forum. Writing how she thinks about me, how things we had was so nice, how things could've been different if timing were correct... and then... then she tells me she still loves me... in my own language...
I never thought those words of love could hurt as much as they did.
Years ago, I loved a woman. She loved me back. But every night, she went into bed with some other man who loved her and fucked him. Living like that, knowing the girl you love and having her love you back, fucking another guy every night when you go to bed... It tears your soul... heart.... ....Mind.....
I'm not sure how I am still sane... Or.. heh... alive.
At first, I thought the message she wrote was sweet. Really sweet, lovely and it gave me hope. It gave me hope that things are a bit rocky right now and she longs back for when things was just her and I... But... reading the message over and over again... seeing and analyzing what a such message actually means in the current "relationship" we have right now... I struggle to not take it as mockery.. To be emotionally abused like I had before, but by this one. The one that I have felt the most for in my entire life - the only one who have pushed me towards the edge of suicide. Standing on the edge of the world, looking out over the ocean alone, I ask myself... why...
I don't think she means it this way. To ... torture me like this. I think she means it's sweet and that she still likes me etc, but how am I supposed to go on? Why am I even going to go on? Over the years, I've begun to realize more and more how the view my brother had on this world. And it makes me believe that his death... was not accidental.
So, when this all had settled... When the sweetness from her message was used up and all was left was a mocking message which pulls me back into the past while she's happy off with her new fuckboy.. I realized that I needed to do one last thing before I would end it all or continue my life. I... had to dance with the dead.
I'm forbidden to tell you exactly how I did it, but I have danced with them... Very much in the same manner as many african tribes does their tribal dances. I danced with my ancestors... my brother... ...and her father...
In that world, one asks one up for a dance. I needed closure with my roots, so I asked my ancestors and my brother up for dances. However.. her father approached me...
I had seen him in my dreams earlier... I wrote about it here. I don't know why he appears before me... why he does this now. ...and why he does so towards me. I've done everything I can... And failing to get the results I wanted through doing everything I could, I had no desire to carry on. Yet, here they all were. Dancing with me. At first, it was just jolly movement. The music were more inside our bodies than on the outside, but it was heard. Oh, and it was felt too~ I think it must have been one of the greatest feelings, when your inner music bashes out and creates a spiritual bond between yourself and those of the spirit world. Oh, during the dance, I danced with my spirit animals by the way. I always thought it was the moose, but no... I'm a lion. Try dancing with 24 old vikings, a druggie, an old man from the other side of the world and 9 lions a weekend.
What I got out of that night was.... relieving. I must not lose hope. She got me under her spell - which she claimed she eventually would, though, when she finally did, she didn't want me. I feel betrayed the way I was treated at the end. I can't say I was too much better towards her, but.. I am not going to go into the whole story here.
I am going to get a tattoo. A tattoo on my chest that I will always see in the mirror. A tattoo that is going to remind me about just what the spirits taught me. And thinking long and hard about what that should be a tattoo of...... I've finally decided.(Yes, I am going to be a douche and not say what the tattoo will be of. She is the only one who eventually will.)
This thread is now over... I've written much of what I wanted to say. But stay tuned. There's another post that's under construction right now, and there will be a prelude to my masterpieces up soon.
and... if you're reading this...... it's never too late. engaged or pregnant... it's never too late....
... I was thinking about you...
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=t5IMuK_Z7DY
This is a thread I've been wanting to write for a very long time. Longer than I had planned, but now... time is running out. I need to write it.
It's... winter now. I live in Norway, and my ancestors were vikings. The cold and the frost basically shaped us to who we are today. However... I can't remember the winter ever being this cold before...
Ever since I killed my prince earlier this spring... Life hasn't been the same. But it wasn't because I stood alone for the first time in my life. No, it was because... *she* wasn't there...
Have you ever killed off a deity before? Have you ever looked your very soul into the eyes, see its smile and care for you glow through its pupils while you glare angrily like an animal back at it? The ritual to kill him took a week...
First day was placement of the runes... Circles... Candles...
Second day went in with gathering and creating incenses... To make sure the trance would stay strong.
Then... on the third day, it begun. Circles and candles were lit, runes were glowing, and the room was covered in a hoarse haze of incense. Sparkles of magic, mindnumbing fragrances and dark music roamed the four next days. No sleep, no eating, no breaks... My movements only induced through the runes and incenses, as the circles, candles and sacrifices made sure to thank a person for a life, and return it to where it came.
I still wonder how I managed to do it, how I could keep going while life held no purpose, but it was a promise I made to her. Thinking back, I can still remember every detail of the ritual, but at the same time, something hurts in my head when I do. As if the memory is not meant to be remembered.
The time that followed, I was given gifts. Some materialistic ones, others in more spiritual ways. I was given a decent job, and even given a car shortly after things ended between me and.... her. And of course, after I killed him. Over the summer, they saw it was not enough. While praying to higher powers that she wouldn't leave me and instead take me now that she had me under her spells, I prayed to old and new gods. Some answered, others didn't. Those who did apparently saw more in me than others and thus wanted me to have more. I was granted money, several other jobs, and even a higher class of connections.
But... why do one gift things to a man who doesn't want life itself? I was struggling... Really struggling... My dreams about her became more and more real. More... more real than they had ever been of my brother. On several occasions.. Driving home from work, I was listening to synthwave. A music genre I "discovered" over the summer, and had been listening to to help me cope. But again, on several occasions... Driving home in the evening, everything is pitch black and its just the music in my car... There hasn't been few times where I have been on the edge of just closing my eyes, speed the car up and ram into a wall made of concrete. First time I was on the edge, I cried... I had no idea she reached this deep into me. But every time I came towards that edge in the night, it became easier and easier to play with the idea... suicide...
before one night...
Just before my birthday this year, I saw she write a little message here on this forum. Writing how she thinks about me, how things we had was so nice, how things could've been different if timing were correct... and then... then she tells me she still loves me... in my own language...
I never thought those words of love could hurt as much as they did.
Years ago, I loved a woman. She loved me back. But every night, she went into bed with some other man who loved her and fucked him. Living like that, knowing the girl you love and having her love you back, fucking another guy every night when you go to bed... It tears your soul... heart.... ....Mind.....
I'm not sure how I am still sane... Or.. heh... alive.
At first, I thought the message she wrote was sweet. Really sweet, lovely and it gave me hope. It gave me hope that things are a bit rocky right now and she longs back for when things was just her and I... But... reading the message over and over again... seeing and analyzing what a such message actually means in the current "relationship" we have right now... I struggle to not take it as mockery.. To be emotionally abused like I had before, but by this one. The one that I have felt the most for in my entire life - the only one who have pushed me towards the edge of suicide. Standing on the edge of the world, looking out over the ocean alone, I ask myself... why...
I don't think she means it this way. To ... torture me like this. I think she means it's sweet and that she still likes me etc, but how am I supposed to go on? Why am I even going to go on? Over the years, I've begun to realize more and more how the view my brother had on this world. And it makes me believe that his death... was not accidental.
So, when this all had settled... When the sweetness from her message was used up and all was left was a mocking message which pulls me back into the past while she's happy off with her new fuckboy.. I realized that I needed to do one last thing before I would end it all or continue my life. I... had to dance with the dead.
I'm forbidden to tell you exactly how I did it, but I have danced with them... Very much in the same manner as many african tribes does their tribal dances. I danced with my ancestors... my brother... ...and her father...
In that world, one asks one up for a dance. I needed closure with my roots, so I asked my ancestors and my brother up for dances. However.. her father approached me...
I had seen him in my dreams earlier... I wrote about it here. I don't know why he appears before me... why he does this now. ...and why he does so towards me. I've done everything I can... And failing to get the results I wanted through doing everything I could, I had no desire to carry on. Yet, here they all were. Dancing with me. At first, it was just jolly movement. The music were more inside our bodies than on the outside, but it was heard. Oh, and it was felt too~ I think it must have been one of the greatest feelings, when your inner music bashes out and creates a spiritual bond between yourself and those of the spirit world. Oh, during the dance, I danced with my spirit animals by the way. I always thought it was the moose, but no... I'm a lion. Try dancing with 24 old vikings, a druggie, an old man from the other side of the world and 9 lions a weekend.
What I got out of that night was.... relieving. I must not lose hope. She got me under her spell - which she claimed she eventually would, though, when she finally did, she didn't want me. I feel betrayed the way I was treated at the end. I can't say I was too much better towards her, but.. I am not going to go into the whole story here.
I am going to get a tattoo. A tattoo on my chest that I will always see in the mirror. A tattoo that is going to remind me about just what the spirits taught me. And thinking long and hard about what that should be a tattoo of...... I've finally decided.(Yes, I am going to be a douche and not say what the tattoo will be of. She is the only one who eventually will.)
This thread is now over... I've written much of what I wanted to say. But stay tuned. There's another post that's under construction right now, and there will be a prelude to my masterpieces up soon.
and... if you're reading this...... it's never too late. engaged or pregnant... it's never too late....