This Girls Journal "A poly girl living in a mogy world"

[grlygrl]

Hello, my name is Lisa known here as girly. I am 30something and live in the US. I am a mother and wife...but I lead an interesting life.

I am a historical re-creationist and a gamer.

...I am also polyamours.

I knew growing up, as a teenager I felt 'differently' then others do about relationships. I felt jealousy but never over peoples relationships, just stuff. "GOD I WANT THAT COAT" sort of things.

A friend of mine was in a long relationship our senior year and she found out her boyfriend had kissed another girl. Her reaction was to beat the living crap out of the other girl and I...was in shock over it all. "Why would you want to do that?!" I asked just...confused. Why? Why do you hate her for kissing him?

I learned through my young adulthood that...jealousy was dangerous. I got married far to young to a horrible human being. He controlled every aspect of my life, I couldn't work without him sitting in the car watching me. I became pregnant and it got worse, I kept the idea that...if I did more it would get better. He didn't hold a job because he was so consumed with -me- and making sure I wasn't 'fucking other guys' because that was REALLY BAD.

The marriage became horribly abusive, verbal and physical. One day he raped me, tore my sack and caused me to go into premature labor. Our marriage ended shortly after I gave birth and I was a single mom...but I was free! FREEDOM. Love I learned was a burden, and so I avoided it at all costs. I saw men, pushed into relationships because my little girl needed a father.

I got married to a charming man, and quickly learned he had just as little respect for me as my last. He was not abusive but he made it clear it was not okay for me to see others, but he was free to do so. He wouldn't come home for days, even brought a young man home for us to share...but I denied my want. I wanted love. Sure I did love him, in a way. We had a few children but...my love started to fade into regret. Anger. Humiliation.

I learned jealousy. I learned how I hated it. It was like a weight drowning me in emotions I didn't understand. While married...I fell in love. A long distance relationship developed with a man I met in a game. It was a love stronger then I had ever felt. It was real. It made my legs wobbly and my hands feel like they were cold.

After a few months I realized...I needed to go to him. We met and instantly attached. I left my husband and began a nasty divorce. I was attached...literally. In the beginning I didnt understand why he was angry if I roleplayed with someone else. "Its just RP" I would defend myself with.

..but I knew what was in his heart. Jealousy. A Burden I knew, I knew how sick it made your soul. I loved him and didnt want him to feel that way...but by ignoring my need, by pretending I am something I am not was suffocating.

I would slip...often. Talk to men on the internet...get caught and cry for forgiveness.

Eventually he started to loosen the reigns. I could RP...but he had to be able to read it. We tried to have a relationship were we shared our partner...of course it was only allowed to be a woman. It was a reminder why I was not a lesbian. Needless to say it did not work out and when it ended messily he vowed "We" were never going to try it again.

It. That part of my soul that was missing. I was not happy limiting my love to one partner.

I loved him though, I loved him and he loved me...and children were soon added to the mix. I began to slip into depression and contemplated suicide. I felt like something was wrong with me. I was damaged. I was broken obviously, no one else feels like this! Everyone pushes this ideal on you "HUSBANDS AND WIVES ARE HAPPY"

I wasn't. I just wasn't happy. Sure I was in love...but I wasn't me, how could my husband say he loved me if he didn't love all of me?

I fell in love again. Locked how I felt up in a box.

Again I met a man online and we did lots of things together. Spent evenings just talking after my husband went to work. I could do this, celebrate my love to my husband and keep my love for this other man a secret only I would know.

...but it was obvious. When a woman spends days crying while doing the dishes. Then is singing the next week something changed. I wouldnt deny how I felt when my husband asked. I told the man online how I felt.

From here out we will name my husband 'N'
The man from online 'K'

I told K how I felt, and he admitted he felt the same, but he was scared. My husband was very territorial and he understood that this was never going to be a thing. He just enjoyed my company and would allow it to be as it was...a friendship.

N demanded me to stop talking to K and to stop playing the game we shared. My heart shattered...but as before when I would speak to men online and it became complicated and messy...I promised to walk away for our marriage sake.

N realized...it was different this time. I became a shell of a person, nothing mattered. I was just a mess and I felt little joy in living an everyday life where I could not be me and my husband could not accept and love me in full.

11 years and I was pretending to be someone else, and my husband claimed to love me but could not accept how my heart worked. It was heart breaking. Devastating. I started to look up ways to fix me.

Hypnosis?
Maybe medications?
Therapy?

After some time my husband said "Alright. We try this poly thing...but my rules..."

I was so happy I didn't care about rules...'we try' was enough to make me agree to anything! The first few months were a roller coaster, my husband has trouble keeping girls happy...and had gone through relationship after relationship. When he broke up with a woman...I was forced to break up with K.

It didn't slow us down. Our long distance relationship was exactly what I needed.What we both needed...someday we would meet. Slowly rules became more relaxed and I became far happier. I laughed more, sang more.

I was able to express my love and hold it. My heart felt full!
My husband...became distant. He hated it. He hated that he couldnt find a girl to just settle down with. He was jealous. We approached 10 months of K and I being together...when finally the right girl for N came around. She was perfect.

The idea of us meeting our significant others became a topic, we discussed it and planned it. Weeks away from being with K for a year and...finally..I would be able to kiss him, hold him, gaze into those blue eyes.

...then N's girlfriend looses her job. Suddenly shes in a bad place and becomes very flaky when we offer to pay for her trip. I get this sick feeling in my stomach. She wasn't who she said she was. How does a woman for months who was independent and well off for a single woman with no children....suddenly loose her job, her house, her car? I smelled BS but kept it to myself. That was his relationship not mine.

Trip canceled, my husbands heart broken as she becomes increasingly flaky and distant. He is frustrated and as we had one of our many fights about where this might go...he said "Just...stop. I don't ever want this to be more then us having long distant relationships outside our marriage."

And like that the ultimate rule placed on me. I know that this entire life...is in his hands. I work out of the home and make a fraction of what he does. I cant just threaten to leave, a third divorce? I have seen the damage on my elder kids faces on what it does to them. Hell my older teens abandoned this family to live with dad...they don't even know my younger kids. They blame me for leaving, in a way I guess they believe they are right. I wont blame them...

So I love my husband but I am trapped by his jealousy and rules. I love my boyfriend who I will never touch, never hold, never kiss.

This is my life as a poly trapped in a mogy relationship. This is my journal, a safe place to share my feelings.

 

[grlygrl]

Today I am getting ready for a trip, I have a pretty fun hobby and it requires me to travel plenty. My husband has recently returned to the hobby with me but wont be joining me for this trip.

I have spent months, weeks, talking about this trip and getting ready but it seems as time approaches hes becoming increasingly agitated. I try to make up for it with being incredibly helpful and loving...I am engaged him for sex repeatedly and although he has taken advantage of the situation...his attitude is very odd.

I even went overboard and got my nails done, bought some sexy panties. Anything to make him happy...and he accuses me of running off this weekend with ulterior motives. Nothing I do seems to be enough for him since I am 'forcing' him to be poly. I have a ton of friends who are poly and some who are not but know we are...they say they have NEVER heard of a man who wouldnt be happy to have this sort of opportunity.

I feel like he just doesnt want to share me, then to accuse me of doing more then I promised. It makes me wish I do more, makes me wish I broke all rules and just felt free to give no fucks. The truth is I do give a fuck. I dont want to hurt him so much to the point I would just break it off with both of them and start all over if it werent for the fact that I love them more then myself.

Also my kids. Gah I have really messed up my older childrens lives with poor decisions and I just want these two to not hate me too.

This weekend was supposed to be a get away, so I can restart my clock and just be good with life again. Now all I am worried about it 'checking in on time' and if the house will be in one piece...and if he will break my computer when he hacks into it. Which he will. He does it so often.

I know this stress is self inflicted, half my worries are that I will hurt them. I worry so much that I hurt myself. I hardly eat or drink now a days and I hurt physically all the time.

Its so much pain to endure for a few moments of joy I seek here and there. Its better then were I was though. Self harm is off the table, and I feel less empty.

I hope you all have a wonderful weekend, pray I get the peace I need away from both my men this weekend.

 

[grlygrl]

Buying my attention:

I truly love both my husband and my boyfriend.

The two are so similar sometimes it hurts.

Their birthdays are the same month.
Mothers shared Maiden/last names.
Their names are one letter off from the other.
...Boyfriends mother shares a name with me
....husbands grandmothers name is the same as husbands mothers name.

YEAH IT ODD.

They are both the same body type, build. Strong. Tall. White. Blue eyes dirty blond hair. Glasses.

Both have a photographic memory and have an above average IQ and share personality types. WHEN I HAVE A TYPE I HAVE A TYPE.

The thing they dont share is...patience.

K is so incredibly patient and understanding...combined with acceptance.
N lacks understanding and sometimes I think hes borderline narcissistic.
BUT hes loyal and protective.

Which adds to one giant conflict when it comes to sharing -me- I feel abandoned sometimes at how easily K will allow N to take me away from him. When I am frustrated with N and want to vent K is a great listener but tells me when I'm wrong...when I just want him to listen.

BUT when I am upset with K, I CANNOT TALK TO N, he blows up, tells me something increasingly negative and blame me for putting myself into that situation. I really feel like I cant just talk to anyone...K is pushing me away with his need to displace conflict from himself...once N said 'All he has to do is apologize. Shoot me an email'...and yet K has yet to do it. Its been 7 months!

I cant even imagine what could happen after an apology, maybe N will become more open? God if they could be friends...if they could just not want to kill each other...if they could be friends I would be...I would do anything. ANYTHING.

So thus...they take turns.
Mon, Tues, Thurs my time 'belongs' to N
W, Fri, Sat I am 'allowed' to spend time online with K

Sunday is family time, but is a woman is reading this they can see one GIANT flaw in this schedule.
I don't fit.
I find myself spread thin, but at least I have an intact heart. Full. Whole. Tired. Imprisoned. Caged. Held. Locked.

I am confined by my desire to be whole. They play a game of tug of war my husband can easily win, and thus I feel as if I should bow, smile, kiss his boot and be grateful he allows me to be me? Should I?

My prison is a ranch house on a quiet county road, with 2.5 children and a loving protective passionate husband.


I'm miserable because my heart is still in two pieces. Split in a tug of war that I know will end up breaking me...but I cant go back to the weeping mess I was more then a year ago. Half a person.

The burden my own desire weighs on me.

 

[grlygrl]

STUPID LOVE!

UGH.

I love my husband, he showed me a love that was unbound and unbridled. HE would have given me the world at one point if I had asked it.

It would figure once I found myself the one thing I wanted was the one thing he couldn't easily give. He tried so much, he tries to be happy. He wont admit that he enjoys being with others. He really liked to flirt and have women pay attention to him. He liked to be treated like a king and he had told me...I used to do that.

I was so adoring to me and would throw fits if my attention was not on him. Childish yet charmingly cute. As we raise children together he loosened his desperate grip on my time. It seemed as long as he was happy it didn't matter if he was with me or not...it was in that I realized as long as he was happy -I- I didn't mind if it was me or not.

If a woman can make him happy when I can't or frankly just won't be able to...I would not mind.

There are acceptations of course, respect that I am his first and his children take priority. Thats it. So we began this journey and with my relationship with K closing to 13 months...he has not found a woman who can handle the situation. He has met a girl...who just up and disappeared. Another who was frankly a horrible liar and broke his heart with promises she never intended to keep. And a woman who is so terrified of relationships she strings him along for a 'well...maybe...someday...'

I have vowed not to get involved in his relationships in hopes he would not get involved in mine...alas...
He makes GIANT mistakes, the same mistakes he made with me. He can be...horribly lazy.
Horribly Lazy.
His Jealousy is rampant and he WONT go any further in a relationship then what he will allow me to go in mine...even though I tell him its fine. Just do it. Go meet up with her! Sit and watch a movie! Read her a book! DO IT! PLEASE!

But he wont...so its no wonder he can't find a girl for a long term relationship. I almost wish to take an ad out for him on one of my forums. "Laid back wife wants to find a eager patient girlfriend for husband"

GOD It would be so nice to have her as a friend, in my day dreams I think of a foursome living in a large home raising children together...vacations...all the amazing things that a couple does...but with four.

I would love her for what she would be to him, to us. She would have my heart for the fact she would make my husband happy and loved.

I want him to have love, as stupid and aggravating as it is! I'm tired of hearing 'Love conquers all' well it doesn't conquer jealousy, it feeds it like shit to a dung beetle.

 

[grlygrl]

A fight.

This morning my husband asks that dreaded question "Are we ok"?

I want to kick and scream and tell him NO! We aren't ok. I want to be free and I'm frustrated!
Instead I tell him nicely a little of how I feel. He cant handle how I really feel all at once. It would rip him in half. I can't do that.

The dreaded conversation soon turns into a emotional argument. Down to "Well that is your problem. You choose two men who arent Poly to have this poly relationship with."

A part of me knows hes right...in a way I did enter my relationship with him before I realized what I was. He deserves to be happy...but the damage a divorce would do to us, our children. So I sacrifice myself to ensure they get a mom and dad under the same roof?

...how will they grow up with a mother who is...

I need to describe who I am what I am when I try to hide this part of me away. When I try to not be poly.

I become listless, day dream all day. I spend most of my time reading books of love stories...and when I look in the mirror I cry. I don't wash, I don't brush my hair. I imagine how...nice death would be. I feel like I am tied up inside my own body, and that no happy moments seem fulfilled. Like I am displaced from every day moments that it wouldnt matter if I was there or not.

All I want to do is sleep.

I lie...constantly. I pretend things are okay, "Im fine!" as I cry.

If this analogy offends anyone please understand it is not my intentions.
When a man or women lives in a happy home, married, kids, and in the perfect setting...but they realize they are gay. There is a sense of..helplessness. They turn to being the real them behind peoples backs, they lie, they do what ever they can for brief moments of 'real me' time. Trying to find pleasure in the every day time with loved ones becomes increasingly difficult, joy doesn't takes the same. Nothing feels good. There is an empty feeling in the chest that no food, no drug, no drink can fill.

You cant pray it away, you cant just ignore it, you cant just pretend everything is ok.

No. We are not ok.

N and K both deserve better...I feel like I failed them both.

I cant win.

 

[grlygrl]

https://www.facebook.com/ATTNVideo/videos/1567155516922737/

My weekends are rough, my husband demands most of my time and I only have time in passing for my boyfriend. Last year there was a horrible tragedy at an event he was going to attend and me being a worry wart asked him to check in with me...5 people were killed last year and of course I knew it wouldnt happen again he was literally feet from being a victim last year.

So he checked in every other hour. The constant interactions annoyed my husband, but boyfriend was home safe and sound and it didnt change or put our retinue out of wack.

Yesterday was a fight though, weeks ago my husband promised me if I did something for him he will help me with something.


FIRST I HATE that I have to negotiate with him for help around the house. I SHOULDNT HAVE TO. He lives here too, these are his kids too. But NOPE if I need him to do anything beyond the empty the dishwasher or take out the trash I have to negotiate...
Because hes the bread maker, mind you I dont sit at home and do nothing. I run a day care from the house and work 9-9 and yes it means I have down time through out the day BUT I WORK ALL DAY. So this was putting laundry away. Help me put laundry away....in exchange for some sexual favor of some sort.

After four weeks I put the laundry away, it stirred anger. Weeks I have been asking him to get my car looked at and now it wont start...again I work 9-9 so I cant get it done.

Struggles, I cant get him to be my partner. HE loves me and loves to spend time with me but only on his terms. I miss having a husband, a partner. My X husband was a great partner, he provided and gave me everything I could ever need or want and left me the hell alone. Always had a working car and groceries...and he would run off with his girls and I didnt care. But he was grumpy when he was home, like he couldnt want to leave but felt obligated to spend family time.

I feel so lonely in the house I break down in tears, I pack up the kids lunches, I get them in and out of baths, I do all the laundry , cook all the meals, do all the shopping, pay all the bills, I worry about the kids having clothes, I run two businesses from the home, I do it all, but since he goes to work...he is the man...right? Im really getting tired of it and last night we had one of are monumental arguments.

"I want a partner!"
"Do you think your little boy would be different?"


No, no I dont. At this point I am sure I never want to live with anyone ever again, hell when the kids are older I am really thinking of taking my dog and moving into a modest apartment just to...be free. I dont mean divorce, I mean just to get the hell away from everything is on me and its just me. I make enough for a place to live, if I dont go all out....and I am almost looking forward to it.

My boyfriend is great but we have our problems too, he is so arrogant in ability and yet his self esteem is very low. He is hinting on the side of being A sexual and I do not mind that at all. Almost adore him for it. He is so in tune with who he is, I envy his youth and know our age difference will be what breaks us up in the end. I have always known we may not live past a few years...hell life changes so much when you are out of college I suspect we have another year and a half...and when I voice these opinions to him...not as openly but

"Please dont plan your future around me"
"Keep the door open for something else"

we argue, and he doesnt yell or scream he just becomes very matter of fact. I have wisdom but he thinks he knows how it will be even though I have experience in life...true not his life but I know people. I know the way the mind works.

I still dream of his touch, and wonder if he would even kiss me.


So husband has vowed once again to help me out more...it will last a week and then he will go back to his routine.
Wake, computer games, eat,computer games, go to work, come home, computer games, and sleep. Till I speak up for myself and my kids for his help...start a fight and get a promise that will last another week or so.

Average issues really, for a husband and wife...
Average issues for a long distance relationship...

Right?