Where am I? What am I doing...?

[AeonTralion]

Hey. If you're reading this right now, then thanks. Seriously, just the fact that anyone out there is interested enough in my to see how I'm doing... god... may seem silly, but that's nice.

So... who am I?

I'm Riley. I'm a guy in his twenties for another couple years. I'd love to be a writer or an artist, but I'm kinda a huge fucking failure when it somes to finishing things... I've written a novel. I've been published nationally in my field. I work at a government agency. No, that doesn't make me a damn spy. But you can feel free to pretend that, if it makes me hotter in your mind.

I'm not a good looking guy. I mean, I'm cure. Got a good face, nice hair, and everyone I've ever gotten CLOSE to kissing has commented on hiw striking my eyes are. So yeah, now if I could get into shape and grow a foot taller, I'd be grade-a date material.

I have a fiance. She's asexual, so I come here for fun. We've been together for a decade now. Damn.

That said... 2016 has been a real shitshow for me.

I'd been jobless for months. Struggling to get on my feet, to find purchase in the world again.

Then, I lost 90% of my friends when a huge blowout happened. We all argued en masse... It was an issue that none of them truly understanded because they'd been talking bad about me behind my back for months... calling me a mooch for needing to save money and being unable to chip in for group activities that they BEGGED me to go to... well, long story short? It came to a head, they ganged up on me for being too poor to be fun, and I had to surgically but my friends out of my life.

Then I had to surgically cut my BODY out of my life, when I nerely died. Gangrene. I had an 18 inch long, 8 inch wide, 6 inch deep gouge cut into my body so that I could live. Even now? Wound is still open and slowly shrinking into a terribly wicked scar.

I spend two months in the hospital, two months in a nursing home, and two months recovering at home.

During this time? My best friend and roommate decided to bail on me as well, driven away by the drama from before and not wanting to choose sides (something I never asked him to do, and encouraged him NOT to do, but the little shit is a drama queen...) either way, he left me in an apartment I can't afford and suddenly I had to move.

So, wound leaking, barely able to stand... I pack, I move. I barely limp by... and the bills just keep coming.

Ah well. Fuck it. Can't make everyone happy.

Either way, as such I've struggled a lot with suicidal thoughts, urges I can't explain, and I've had serious ups and downs. I think I'll document important days here... and... well, if you wanna read along, that's just fine by me.

If you do read, I only ask you don't POST here. I mean, message if you want, but I might not say much to a message about "omg I read your journal" so if I reply, "uh, thanks?" then just accept that it might be all I can muster.

So... welcome to my mind.

 

[AeonTralion]

I haven't thought about killing myself this week. It's a real milestone, believe it or not... I can't remember the last time I felt like living. Especially with how shit this year has been.

But I guess it helps that I've got some really engaging games going. This site... it's a kind of therapy. I can be sweet, seductive, violent, afraid, courageous, strong, nimble, kill myself, get the girl, get the guy, kill the zombies, fight the gods, and reap all of the rewards while enjoying the thought process about the hard truths of such a reality...

I think all writers must need a space like this. To placate the voices in their minds.

 

[AeonTralion]

Planning Nanowrimo... considering leaving this site. Everyone is really flaky... I know, life is hard. But I've got video games to play and frankly? I'm tired of being fucked and forgotten by soccer moms and college kids.