Schools and Social Skills

[Shovel]

This topic comes from two parts of me: A sympathetic part which is saddened because I’ve been there before, and an irritable part which is tired of hearing it from whining bitches.

Socialization is something you are not born with; it is a learned behavior. How do I know this? I learned. I was an awkward kid in middle and high school and made very little friends. I never had a girlfriend or my first kiss until January of this year. I was tired of my lack of a healthy social life and decided something must be done. I took on some self-help. Go on and laugh, but it has helped me greatly and has enabled me to have a better quality of life. I can’t believe how much fun I have been missing out simply because I didn’t know how to socialize. I love my life; something I never thought would happen. This makes me think about all the other people who are acting the way I used to be and how if they learned what I know, how much more meaningful their lives would be. Think about it. We are social creatures by nature.

What is the key to learning how to be social? Confidence. High Self-Esteem. Think about the last time you talked to someone who was insecure…did you feel like you wanted to keep talking to them? Of course not. By nature, we are attracted (not just sexually) to those who possess a high amount of confidence. Don’t you have more respect for someone who stands strongly by his/her opinion, even if you may disagree with it? Most humans are followers, like wolves and an alpha male, or a Sheppard and his sheep. This is why peer pressure has such an influence over people. Those without that inner confidence is prompted to do something by someone who does, and they do it because they want to be liked. Can you imagine what would happen if our society had more confident people?

People would actually stand up for themselves. People would have more friends. People would be less suicidal. People would lead more exciting lives. People would complain less about their lives. People would stop over-analyzing situations and take everything personally. People would stop making themselves out to be a victim.

But how do you teach naturally unconfident people to be naturally confident? You make them realize that what society is marketing doesn't matter. That it doesn’t matter how you look, how much money you make, or how things have turned out in the past. You make them realize that they are a cool enough person as they are and that the present is all that matters. How is this realization achieved? 100% delusional belief and a continuous effort to improve yourself. That being said, not everyone will get it. You can take a horse to water, but you can't make 'em drink.

I believe schools are failing in this area of improving students self-belief and social skills. Oh sure, they make people work together in groups for projects…but does that really help? More time than not, it doesn’t. I think that if schools would offer courses for socialization or confidence that grades would improve and behavioral problems would go down. Not only that, but people would make better decisions, graduate, and contribute better to society.

 

[ZOMBiiE]

I agree with your point about school needing to have courses to improve social skills. I mean, sure they have clubs, sports and stuff that help you out with meeting and making friends, but if you lack the social skills well, you'll go from being that awkward kid who hangs out by himself at lunch to being that awkward kid who hangs out with the chess club at lunch (who even the chess geeks are weirded out by). School seem to think that if a kid joins some kind of club, he will automatically start making friends with the kids there, and meet more and more people. But people don't seem to think maybe there's a reason that student doesn't have any friends, most likely he just lacks social skills like being able to hold a conversation going for more then two minutes.

I know at my old high school, they took all of the "loners" and asked them if they wanted to work in the cafeteria or school store, and that was the extent of help that the more socially awkward kids would get. And now that I actually think about it, there should be a class in high school and maybe some programs for students in the lower grades to get help with social skills. I can't really think of a time when I heard about a place to get such help. So I'm saying that I do agree with you 100%, that classes to help with social skills should be available in schools. I really do hope it will be something available to my kids when I get older, because I know it's not really something parents can teach their children, but it should be taught to a large percentage of kids, especially today.

 

[Shovel]

Haha yes. Schools just assume you will make friends by being in groups. I was in marching band, one of the tightest groups around and I still felt like I didn't have very many friends.

It all starts early. Somewhere along the line, little joey in first grade says "You're stupid" or something like that, and its a slippery slope. I think not only should we offer classes in high school, but start as early as possible. Have self-confidence workshops...teach our kids to be social butterflys. The only problem with that is that old phrase "Don't talk to strangers" parents are always telling their kids. Though it may protect them from danger, it scares them from approaching others.

 

[dramamine213]

I understand what you're saying Shovel, but that would be wasting money into something that a school board wouldn't approve for high school. Social skills would have to be taught to younger kids. Public schools already have an incredibly difficult time passing kids for regular core classes. The way "Don't talk to strangers." is taught does discourage children from talking to people they don't know, so maybe that lesson should be revised to be more specific and could be expanded to include social skills. Something that includes those trust games, public speaking, and so forth.

Now, if teachers were trained to identify socially retarded students, they could contact their counselor to have them enrolled in a program of sorts that wouldn't occupy school time. Something like an after school 'club' or something that meets on the weekends at local hang out spots/malls/etc. that are field trips with actual social skill learning. You would obviously need someone with some sense of child psychology in charge of such a thing to accomplish worthwhile goals and not every school district can afford something that grand.

But even with these kinds of prgrams available, you can't force kids to go to them. Even if you get their parents' permission and have transportation set up for them, some will refuse to go. I know I would fit into that category. I wouldn't want to be forced or suggested to go to a stupid after school program to talk to weirdos.

What you did is what most will have to do if they give a damn about their life. If they hate it and want to do better, they will find a way. If they some how manage to fail at that, that is what a trained professional would be for. Outside of school, that's you're own problem as you're an 'adult' and are responsible for yourself.

As for myself, I decided being nice was the reason why people walked on me and thought I was easy. I helped 'friends' with homework and tutored people. I went to Art Club and Anime Club. I even made sure to try and recruit people for those clubs who I thought would enjoy the company of like midned people. In the end, I made no friends and the people who I thought were friends either used me for sex, money, or a hobby. Once I shed the nice off of myself, then I learned to be more socialble... through being a sociopath. Now I use everyone in my life for my own gains and view humans as tools at my disposal. I honestly don't trust anyone, including my husband. I honestly hate humans as a whole. And I socially engineer and NLP those in my life to do what I want them to do while letting them think it's their choice. Sure, this isn't some happy and cheery life change that mirrors the awesome effort you put into your's, but I can see that if I had attempted any sort of self-help or classes for social skills, they would have been outwardly mocked for how silly they are.

Before we try and get kids who'll be more outgoing and socially adept, how about we focus on the teachers who barely have an education? It seems they need more attention before they go off and numb the precious minds of our future with their own inability to learn. I'd much rather have a bunch of children who don't/won't/can't talk to each other, but have an education to later work out their social retardation rather than social butterflies who're just as vapid and functionally stupid as their parents.

 

[Shovel]

I understand where you are coming from. Maybe it would be wiser to do such programs/classes when they are in elementary school, middle school at latest. Once they are in high school, most people seem to be pretty set in their ways and is more difficult to change.

I am sorry that you feel that you can't trust anyone. I am quite the opposite: I trust people until they give me a reason not to. If they betray me, I don't go into a spiraling depression, I just shrug it off and don't really talk to them much anymore.

And I agree that our education system needs a lot of work. Though I think that being able to socialize is a very important soft-skill in life. Companies want people who are all about teamwork and aren't afraid to speak up in public.

 

[Kotep]

I had trouble making friends in high school just because of my environment. In middle school, I went to a school on a military post, where I never really had to work hard to get friends; people moved in and out every year, so there were always new kids looking for friends, and I could find ones I fit in with.

In high school though, I moved to a small civilian town where everyone had known nearly everyone else for a long time, and so getting integrated socially was hard for me. I can only think of two or three people who actually stepped up and offered to be my friend, and they were all I had for the first two years. I was pretty strange too, and it took until my last year before I really started acting normal, so I had one year to go through the social maturation process everyone else had four years to work through.

I think I'm fine for the most part though--I've managed to work my impulsiveness to be more manageable, and I'm not uncomfortable around people...but I never had a significant other, or anyone tell me that I look 'cute', 'handsome', or anything close to that, and it really does make me self-conscious.

I can remember two offhand comments that have really stuck with me--one was when I was just talking offhand with one of my friends about how they'd been in a relationship for a while, and I said something about how if they weren't in the relationship, I'd have asked them out. Their response was something like "I wouldn't want to go out with you," though later on they did give me a note apologizing. The other was when I was in the car with my dad and singing to the song on the radio. He said something like "You don't sound as good as you think you do," and after that I didn't sing in public for a few years. When I reflect on it, it seems silly that I would let things like that affect me so deeply, but I just don't really have anyone to reliably ask 'am I good looking', 'how should I cut my hair' or 'how's my singing voice'.

 

[Mr Master]

It's odd: Yes, people frequently need help to figure out how to socialize and how to cope. Yes, they ought to try and teach something like that in school. And yes, there's never going to be just one way to accomplish it, as Dramamine demonstrates.

And you also have the troublesome adolescent period, where even an even-keeled person is subject to hormonal mood swings and crippling insecurities as their bodies change and grow. A lot of people grow out of it, or bluster their way through. Others never do.

I think it's important to encourage, but I wouldn't have a clue how to effectively do it in a public setting.