Writing Alone

[Rudolph Quin]

So, Rudolph Quin doesn't role-play anymore! There's a myriad of reasons, but the long and short of it is a desire for independence. I feel about this the way I felt about my artwork and the cashiering job I had at Price Chopper for almost 5 years. I told myself that my gifts were working with people and I didn't need to do the other thing because adults have real jobs like the 9-5 time clock kind.

I don't necessarily believe that I'm the greatest writer but I am at that point in acknowledging that I am strong and talented enough to do it on my own. People don't rp because they want to be published, they usually rp because they don't. So, looking for writing partners for one thing isn't the same as looking for them to help with the other thing. And now that I've tasted it, held a book I helped write and seen the sale numbers, even low ones, I'm hooked now. Some of my favorite games are so far back in the pages of the forums, unfinished, unacknowledged, partners long gone, so they're untouchable. Why allow myself to squander this away into obscurity? I just can't go back to the mindset where it is just a game, just for fun, whittling away the hours on stories that nobody will ever read and that have no ending. Not when I can put it out there and people will buy it, will pay for something that I made. It's not even about fame and having a LOT of someones buying your stuff but simply about taking pride in the act of creation; I'm worth it. I deserve acknowledgement.

So. On my own. It is exactly as hard as they say it is and part of me thinks it is the lack of confidence I have in myself. It's taken me two months and I'm at 25 pages on my current WIP, with a rough outline that details several key scenes from beginning to end. I've opened it to feedback by putting it on FictionPress and the goal right now is very simple: Finish it. Write an entire book by ]myself.

 

[Rudolph Quin]

So, it is time to move on. Officially. Not just a break, not a tantrum but actually closing up shop and moving on. I never believed it would happen but I've outgrown this place. I don't role-play anymore but even if I did, the prospects of staying here are unappealing as the site slowly breaks down and the host stands out front, aggressively ringing a bell beside a collection cup. Besides that, there's not much else for noise around here. Conversations are about role-playing(I don't do that and I'm quickly becoming less and less current on the trends) or I talk to myself about art, movies, and writing(I can do that elsewhere with better conversation). This place has always had its own flow and it's nobody's fault, just time to accept that I am older and less interested in what is here.

It was always hard to move on before because this is where I grew up. The chronicles of my adult upbringing are here. My mistakes, my triumphs, the jokes, the fun, the sorrow, the drama. It feels a bit like addictions I've nursed in the past; that initial high was great but the returns get progressively smaller and less satisfying. Logging in is the habit now. Checking updates is an exercise in disappointment mixed with routine, marking all forums as read so that nothing is highlighted blue. At least on Lit I sometimes read the discussions. Like my past addictions, if this isn't really adding anything to my life, then I can choose to stop doing it.