QueenOfChaos
Moon
- Joined
- Jul 1, 2016
I have been struggling with finding out what I am and who I am for a while now. I've known for a few years now that I loved BDSM, and that I was a sub to some degree. But within the past few weeks, I have finally realized, that I am without much of a doubt, a masochist. I like pain and a man to try to hurt me physically and maybe even try to get inside my head. Fine. But I am engaged to a wonderful man who I love with my entire being, but he doesn't want to hurt me. Lol and I can't exactly blame him for that. Sounds to me that I am a total freak show. I refuse to cheat on him, that's a given. However, as much as I realize that BDSM and Sadomasochism are both lifestyles and not always about sex, very few men seem to realize that. I love online role playing, but again, men want the sex just as much as giving me pain, and I won't do it. It's frustrating. I want a sadist man in my life that enjoys giving me pain physically and mentally without expecting any form of sex. I guess that's too much to ask? I would talk to him online, and MAYBE consider meeting in real life. But the same rules would apply to matter what. I am just in a really awkward position in my own head I guess.
I have cravings of being in pain, a lot of the time. I should also mention that I have been a cutter since I was 16 years old. (Not that anyone is reading this, haha). And I also just very recently realized, to some degree, I may be hurting myself as a form of therapy for my masochistic desires. I mean, there are a lot of reasons why I cut, but maybe that might be another small reason? I really don't know. I have a lot of mental illness issues as well, obviously. I mean, I have gotten a lot better, but I know it will never go away. And I guess I scare people away.
I had an online sadist "friend" for several years. He disappeared a couple of years back. We never met in real life, because he was a few states away. But, when we role played and talked, he was NEVER "OOC". It was him the entire time. And he was extremely sadistic maybe 98 percent of the time. I guess I have been trying to fill that void in my life for a while now, and it seems no one is interested in me that way. I mean, I realize I'm chubby and not much to look at, but I would still think that maybe, someone some where would be interested in me enough to... Try to understand me again. He was the only one who ever got inside my head and basically lived there rent free haha... I guess I miss that kind of excitement. Shrug
I have cravings of being in pain, a lot of the time. I should also mention that I have been a cutter since I was 16 years old. (Not that anyone is reading this, haha). And I also just very recently realized, to some degree, I may be hurting myself as a form of therapy for my masochistic desires. I mean, there are a lot of reasons why I cut, but maybe that might be another small reason? I really don't know. I have a lot of mental illness issues as well, obviously. I mean, I have gotten a lot better, but I know it will never go away. And I guess I scare people away.
I had an online sadist "friend" for several years. He disappeared a couple of years back. We never met in real life, because he was a few states away. But, when we role played and talked, he was NEVER "OOC". It was him the entire time. And he was extremely sadistic maybe 98 percent of the time. I guess I have been trying to fill that void in my life for a while now, and it seems no one is interested in me that way. I mean, I realize I'm chubby and not much to look at, but I would still think that maybe, someone some where would be interested in me enough to... Try to understand me again. He was the only one who ever got inside my head and basically lived there rent free haha... I guess I miss that kind of excitement. Shrug