Vik Journal 2.0

[Viktoff Samson]

BMR feels like it's slower as of late. 90% of the people I used to enjoy talking too seem rather comfortable without messaging me. No biggie, those that I message here daily are always the best. Frankly, I adore forums and I adore the ability to express myself and my daily thoughts in a space where others can leave their own notes. It is always fun to see that sort of interaction. With that in mind, I would like to write in a journal here again.

Recently I've reopened a hole in my heart. That's stupid of me. What's worse is how it was enabled by the mere sight of her name in a picture on reddit. How childish of me... And I regret venting. So I won't do that here.

I was on reddit to read over the subreddit for Pokemon Go. My little smart phone is cheaper than cheap and simply could never run it. To curb my cravings until my paycheck, I've been on hot pursuit for a romantic trainer x trainer pokemon rp, and I read the subreddit. I think I can't be the only person doing the latter.

The neat part of being born in a low-population state like Maine is that it's relatively easy to shelter yourself away from stupid city noises. It's harder to have a nightlife without spending a good penny for gas to get to a city for a bar. Oh well though. The option remains, and it isn't like I know anybody who calls/texts me first, so it is so much easier for myself to just pretend there isn't a huge society of nonsense out there and focus on writing. Hobbies are the best out here in Maine ;3

I guess the greatest downside is that if you live in a small town in Maine(and not the relatively few cities), you usually rely on a small cast of 10-20 kids to find friends in throughout elementary and middleschool years. Odds are things go great because most people are polite and intelligent over here, it seems. Or at least a nice portion of one of those.

Having the misfortune of leaving the state to work over the week, I come in direct contact with city folk. Totally expecting that rude, bad driving, dirtheads were the rare ones, my hopes were dashed. My friends online here who grew up in a city: I appreciate you all that much more. You are the diamond in the rough. <3 I will cherish you all, always.
(on the down low, though? If I went to a city one of you were in and had a free night, I wouldn't mind being proven wrong about most cityfolk. My faith in humanity can always use improvement.)

Thanks for reading thus far :3

 

[Viktoff Samson]

Perhaps I get what I deserve.

I hope for a lot of things, I devote myself to a cause or a plan that I couldn't possibly see through on my own. Then when things fall apart, I don't sweep up the shattered glass. I roll around in it for a while. I remember what happened, the ways I could have avoided it all, and there isn't an action to prevent it from happening again. Why? It is who I am. I have an addictive personality. I attach myself to something or someone, and when I can't have it, I fall apart. It happens in small ways, and then it also comes in the form of large commitments too. Like when I fell in love with my exes, all of them. I lied and said I was over the last one, anything was better than losing the chance- That moment.

And while I can't change who I am, I still have to pick myself up off the ground. Pluck the shattered glass from my endless visage of fettid wounds, spray on some disinfectant and hope to be whole once again. Because I can't expect a pity party, I did this to myself. I can't lay around and wait for someone to do this for me. Who wants a corpse that groans on and on about the pain, but won't do a thing about the glass they lay in.

It is time that I formally make my bed.

Trade rough, cheap carpet for a traditional matress. Sharp shards for fitted, warm sheets. I'll take a deep breath, a sip of cold water, and snare a fine night's sleep. It's time too heal. (Omfg, that Digimon movie with cocoamon!! Anyone?! No? Awe. <\3 I tried xP)


On the bright side, I get paid sometime this weekend. New phone, debts paid, pokemon go? It'll be great.

 

[Viktoff Samson]

Officially over my ex, again.

Got paid, bought a phone, played pokemon go and drastically improved my chatroom/im/roleplay through phone situation.

I feel 9.5/10

I could be better.
All I need now is for my pms to the awesomest people ever to be replied too, a response from Zeth/GGG, and being more ready to respond for Vry and Softstroke.

I love BMR and even though I hit a sad time for a few weeks there, I am officially back into the swing of it. Like the spring of my roleplay season~

Please feel free to message here if you have been following this. Tell me I am a pretentious douche, if you want. Doesn't even have to relate to anything. You have the permission to do so, use it. You know I would love you anyway.

 

[Viktoff Samson]

I wonder how much out of my paycheck I should set aside for a therapist.

Ex from like three years ago emails me asking if I might wanna catch up, wonders if I am doing well.

I can't tell if I am 'meh', 'happy' or would rather die. I just wish I wasn't so indecisive all the time. So weak of heart, pretty much the opposite of bold and confident.