Autism Support

[darkangel76]

Pretty simple. Figured if YOU happen to fall somewhere on this lovely spectrum they like to call autism (yes, this includes all Aspies...or, more precisely, those with Asperger's) OR are friends with and/or related to someone on spectrum or hell...you just plain wanted to up your awareness...then this is the thread for that.

Basically, life has been tough and getting tougher for me both as an Aspie and mom of an Aspie. So yeah. I wanted to reach out and find support. It's hard to come by and I'll take what I can get (plus I do know that some of you lovely people are much like me, hehe, so why not take advantage in a safe place?). I thought it might do all of us some good to help each other and possibly raise awareness.

I'll get the ball rolling with an incident that just happened today.

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It was pretty classic, at least for me. =/ We went out for a quick breakfast at McDonald's with the kids because we've been packing. They found it a treat. I didn't sleep well last night even on my anxiety meds. I had a lot of paper work to do and I've got heaps on my mind. That right there is going to have me off in its own right. Hell, it would have anyone off. So we go and my husband asks me to open my daughter's chocolate milk.

Or......that's what I heard......

Now, my daughter was playing in the chair and my son was making siren sounds. I was trying to set things down at the table. I...was overwhelmed and trying not to be. >.<

Anyway, I go to pick up my daughter's chocolate milk and immediately shake it because....you know, to mix it. X_X The cap was loosened and milk spilled ALL over me. I was wet, sticky and my white shirt covered with chocolate milk. I.....lost it. I started to cry, to curse, I yelled that there weren't enough napkins and I yelled that I should've been told that the milk was opened NOT closed like I'd thought. My husband got angry and embarrassed. He told me to stop yelling, to calm down. He told me that he DID tell me, that he said that the cap was loose.......but I didn't remember it that way.

X_X

I stormed off to the bathroom, banged my head against the wall when I saw that they had no paper towels and only a hand dryer. I then walked out and spouted things as I made my way back to my seat. I made a flipping off gesture to no one in particular, just looking off into space.

My husband thought I did all that.......to him. T_T His anger, embarrassment and frustration heightened all the more. I sat down, quiet...knowing I could not speak because it would come out wrong. But that made my husband more upset. So I started to respond. But then he said my tone didn't match. That led to confusion and I started to cry again. He threatened to walk out of the restaurant and told me to stop rocking. I hadn't realized I'd started. I stopped and then my leg started shaking.

I pulled it together just enough to finish eating and then he had to go out for a drive for a little while. This.....happens sometimes and right now due to the stress of our move things can get to an all time high. So frustrating. People think they know what they're getting into. They think you will change or grow out of it. The answer is always the same.

No.

We change for no one. Not even those we love most dearly. T_T

 

[Sync]

I can't add to that on the matter of Autism or Asperger's...but I can relate from Depression.

The mood swings, the uncontrollable emotions...the way that sometimes even the tiniest, most insignificant thing can send you spiralling...I know what that's like. While I'm on medication now for it, I wasn't always, and sometimes the medication isn't so effective as I'd like it to be...

I remember well the feelings of being overwhelmed by nothing, of being incredibly saddened by the way a cloud wasn't shaped right, of bursting into tears for no reason I could fathom. I know the fear of driving along a dark freeway at 100km/h and thinking "All I have to do is twitch the steering wheel and it'll all end", while being in the grip of a depressive moment...I remember feeling frustrated at my own helplessness at how I was tired of living but didn't want to die.

I remember a family outing a few years ago...went to a family park area in the bush. It was removed from suburbia, but still readily accessible via major roads. We took a tractor ride to the further parts of the estate, and...for a few moments, I actually felt at peace, like I hadn't felt in a very long time; in those moments, there were no burdens upon me, no stresses, no aggravations. But even then, the frustration and despair gnawed at me, because I knew it wouldn't last; I'd have to go back to my home, my job, my life...the life I didn't want and was struggling cope with.

I remember, too, the constant lying - lying to myself that I didn't have a problem, lying to my wife that nothing was wrong, lying to my friends when I told them I was doing fine. I wasn't any of those things, none of it was true, but Depression wants to hide, it wants you to be strong on the outside...it feeds on your weakness, destroys you on the inside.

Even now, I feel waves of despair at various things - some kind-of justified, some not, most attributable in some way to Depression.

There's no growing out of something like that. All you can do is learn to manage it, and hope that your learning and inner strength is enough.

 

[darkangel76]

That's ok, Sync. Believe it or not I'm always looking for ways I can relate to others in whatever level. It isn't always clear cut to me. It takes trial and error. And more errors than successes and often times the way I try to relate gets people pissed off and thinking I'm being egocentric when, in fact, I'm not. Over my time with therapists I've learned that this is actually common with autistics because we tend to have a hard time expressing and piecing certain types of things together (i.e. Processing), so some of us will verbalize our thoughts by making a direct comparison to something personal in hopes to make sure we 'get it'. THEN, if that wasn't enough, lol, we'll repeat ourselves a few times as s coping mechanism to drive the point home that we truly are 'getting it', but we won't necessarily realize we're being insulting and/or annoying in doing this. Hell, I know I don't even realize I do it half the time. >.<

BUT I catch myself better online than off. Why? I'm allowed pauses I'm not and I can actually see my words as I type them. Or, if I start to type too much even. Haha!!

But I digress.

Back on point.

I want to relate better to others. I think I do relatively ok. But it's not always easy. I forever have these reminders running through my head to keep me on task and it's exhausting. @_@ It's one of the reasons I don't like going out much. It also contributes to my anxiety. But at the same time, I see the merit in forcing myself to deal. It's one of the reasons as to why I'm re-entering the work force. I've been slowly deteriorating and regressing since I've been out and....that's unacceptable. I can't have it. My family can't have it. I know I have to do something about it even if everything inside me doesn't want to. I want to lessen my symptoms, get myself sharper so that it's not as exhausting when I interact with people, etc. It's not even a want...it's a need.

I remember how I was during each phase of growing up. It was so difficult. But I'd been at my best around the end of grad school. I...I've lost that. I need to get it back. And I will. It's a goal now. And my ability to perseverate knows no bounds, hahahaaaa!!! But I think on the other day and all my more recent melt downs. Those are all reminiscent of the sort I've had during high school and earlier. Maybe even early college. Before I started getting the therapy I needed to tackle and understand. To think I've regressed back to that........it's disturbing. I can't have it. Plus, I need to be a role model for my son who is also autistic. He needs to see that he, too, must do for himself and not let life go by. He must learn and if he sees me whither away I wouldn't be able to forgive myself. Not when I know we both have so much to give.