Patterns. Just need to get this off my chest.

[Absinthresher]

Disclaimer: If you don't want to read about physical, psyhcological and emotional trauma, maybe don't read this.

Right now, the only way to get this off my chest would be to either write notes on facebook, or just bury this somewhere where no one can find it. I don't think posting it on facebook will help, since I am still friends on there with my dad and I don't really want to hear his bullshit about all the "Lies" I'm telling. Likewise, burying it where it can't be found is probably bad.

So, I suppose I should state that I haven't been physically assaulted by my father in... several months, mostly because I don't live in the same province as him anymore, and haven't since... I don't know when. It was sometime last year.

It's actually at the point where I don't even want to be in the same province as him anymore. I had a chance to live with his business partner, who actually likes me, but I said fuck it. I didn't want to be within spitting distance of my father and his idiot girlfriend.

I suppose anyone who has talked to me for a few moments can tell that I'm some one with a chip on my shoulder. I'm a rude, mean prick who doesn't shut the fuck up and speaks his mind almost especially when it pisses someone off. Honestly, I don't know why I even talk to anyone in the chatbox because it just feels like I'm pissing everyone off in an oddly consistent manner.

I try not to be that way, but what the hell can you do when that's how you think you're supposed to show affection? Yes, I do know the difference, but it's so ingrained into my personal unconcious that my immediate response to nearly everything is to snark. It's an effective psychological defense that has kept most people from knowing me enough to hurt me, yet I still get hurt constantly.

In a way, I want to use this to excuse the stupid bullshit I've done in the past, to excuse how angry I can be and how.... psychotic I seem. I know that's wrong, and that I shouldn't do that but the want is there because, well, I'm lacking actual affection in my life.

My father was never a father. He spent all of his time berating and belittling me, telling me how much of a fuck up I was whenever he was around, which wasn't much. I lived with him and not my birth mother, who had little contact with me up until I was a teenager, and then that was a screaming, bawling fight just to get some extra attention. I tried taking an interest in what my mom liked but that only gave me more things to hate (Organized religion, primarily).

But, of course, I can't actually open talk about this kind of thing because I should just suck it up, bottle it away and then go on a shooting spree one of these days when the burden of not being able to figure out my own fucking emotions.

I'm just gonna stop this rant here because I honestly don't have the energy to continue with it.

 

[OrangeLilly]

Its not exactly the same for me. But I used to live in a home were whomever was the loudest in an argument 'won' so to speak. If you wanted something you honestly had to fight for it and prove why you even deserved it. It wasn't very plesant and to make it worse, I didn't realized it wasn't normal until I moved out and I had my first disagreement out of my childhood home and everyone looked at me like I was bonkers. Now years later, I still struggle with what I can only label as a 'knee jerk' reaction to things. I know that my experiences are not identical to yours, but I will say that I feel I have some idea of what you struggle with in trying to over come your emotional past. I'm here if you need to talk some more about it.
~OrangeLilly

 

[Absinthresher]

That's not exactly a bad comparison, though I was raised as an only child up to a point. Long story, but basically my dad raised me and my mom raised my other two brothers.

It wasn't really 'Whomever was the loudest won the argument', because my dad was always the loudest, even after my brothers moved in. If we screwed up in some way, we got told off for it no matter how bad it actually was. Of course, being the oldest I was constantly harangued for, well, being the oldest. Half the time I'd get in shit when I had nothing to do with whatever the hell was going on, and the two younger siblings got away with nearly everything. This was when we were 12, 13 and 14 respectively and continued through to our teenage years.

But yeah, my knee jerk reaction to nearly everything is to be sarcastic at it. It's a combination of defense mechanism and keeping people out of my life, which I fucking hate because I want people in my life, just can't stand when shit goes wrong. Murphy's law and all that crap.

I mean, I guess you'd probably know how that goes wouldn't you? Your family is supposed to be supportive, supposed to help you when you need it and then you learn that almost everything about your family is so abnormal that you're almost embarrassed that you hadn't noticed before. I mean, I'd gotten into trouble at school almost consistently since I was young, but the reaction of most teachers was to attempt to medicate me or get someone else to medicate me, not that it really ever stuck.

Then I actually had to work because I dropped out of highschool, and I couldn't manage it. I'd get into fights with people and get so fucking angry that, by the end of it, I wasn't sure why I was so angry or why I was just about ready to lay someone out over something so trivial and stupid. Even to this day I can only manage a few interpersonal relationships at a time, and most of my online and offline relationships eventually implode when people figure out how fucking high maintenance I am.

I'm gonna go find something to eat before I ramble on some more.

 

[Trygon]

Well, sounds like you need a therapist, doesn't it? You've got a problem, running didn't fix it, and now you're in a catch-22 of nobody to talk to to learn how to keep 'em. That sounds like basically the perfect situation for professional aid. You've got enough presence of mind to analyze yourself to some degree, with their help you might be able to learn enough to monitor yourself fully.

Some people report good results with shamans and other such spiritual leaders, as well. Religion is a pretty hard sell, but plenty of 'Nonreligions' like the Satanists and the FSM offer similar community structures as traditional houses of worship. I personally had great results with a drug-fueled spirit quest or two. I don't know why 'spiritual' events and situations are such great catalysts for self-improvement, but they are.

Whichever path (Or combination) you choose, you're gonna need to want it like hell if you hope to make a lasting change. Humans are creatures of habit, after all.

 

[Absinthresher]

So, here’s what happened.

I made a comment on photo my mother posted of her dog pack. She has a bunch of dogs and a lot of them I knew when I lived with her. The short version of that story is that one of her dogs killed her other dog and that’s my mother’s fault, not that she’d ever admit it.

Why is it her fault? That dog attacked me twice and she never did anything about it. The dog is clearly unstable and yet she still has her.

So, I don’t really want to relive the argument as a whole but here’s the biggest indicator that my mother is a narcassist.

I started the fight in public, stopped after about three posts and said “Wait, I should take this to the PMs on Facebook” and that’s what I did. AFTER everything had boiled up to a stteaming whistle and we ended the conversation on a sour note, SHE posts on her wall this passive aggressive shit:

From what [My Name] has told me, I am not a proper parent but a petulant child. Thank you Jay for showing me my wrong doings, I am sure glad my 23 year old unwed, no child in the future, son knows how to parent as I do not. Also Thank You for verbally abusing me yet again in our conversation today, I like it when my children abuse me like my past bad relationships have. You truly know how to treat a mother. Happy Early Mothers Day To Me!!

And this sparked a bunch of her friends attacking my character despite having never met me. I argued back some, but then she decided to do… well..:

I am just going to let others read the rants that are posted here and let Jay paint me as he sees me. If anyone would like to comment on anything that is said here by all means please do and let the rant continue. If I am such a bad mother then let it be known here for all to see as I have nothing to hide. Robert Penney & Matthew Paul Penney should also take a look at the rants and weigh in on this issue.

[My Dad] [My Grandfather] [My Grandmother] [My aunt] you as well can go ahead and roast me if you would like, I am sure you have your own opinions on this matter, let's get this out in the open where it can be talked about.

Yeah. She tagged basically all of my family that she could into joining the fight, which my father, and both of my brothers, and some random cousin I’ve never met jumping in to defend my mom and tell me what a terrible person I am because of my issues with, well, life.

During the initial argument before all of this, I got so fucking angry that I essentially just let the floodgates implode and I laid into her about absolutely everything that I hated about her. How she didn't do anything about the dog biting me, how she let Hemi kill Dodge, how she abandoned me when I was going to be kicked out of my dad's house at 16 because her ex-husband (They were married at the time) said so, how she left me to be raised by my dad so she could raise my younger siblings without a fight with him, how she never called, how she wasn't my mom because she didn't fucking earn it.

Her general responses were ‘It’s not my fault’ ‘I tried my hardest’ ‘what was I supposed to do’. She wonders why I’m so angry with her.

So yeah, she essentially pinned this whole thing on me, retreated to her own personal hugbox and enraged me to the point where I came full circle. I’m just… I’m out of rage.

-Sigh- So yeah, tell me what you think I guess. Feel free to ask questions if anythings unclear. I don’t know if I’m the narcissist or they are. I’m just so tired of being the black sheep with everyone picking on me and then being surprised when I develop a personality specifically designed to lash out at people in response to them attacking me.