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「 musings of a ___ 」

endling

endling

Planetoid
Joined
Nov 24, 2015
this little area of the site intrigues me
and with the amount of rambling i do to myself in my head
i thought it might be nice to have a space where i can put things down in words
it's simply self-indulgent, the things i say making only sense to myself at times
a lot of it probably sounds really stupid too
but because no one knows me on this site (and i don't even know myself)
i can just word vomit here and not impulsively delete it within the several minutes after submission

i see that there are people who like to comment on the journals and such of others
so i'll just put a disclaimer that talk really isn't my strong suite
should someone say something here, it will be read but do not expect a reply back
not because i am angry or ignoring you
just because i am drawing a blank

one more thing, i'm not sure if there are rules on what one can ramble about in their own journal space but mine may contain themes of self-mutilation, suicidal ideation, and drugs/alcohol
ugh, i hate how pity mongering that sounds but i just don't want anyone who may decide to lurk to be caught off guard if they are made comfortable by any of that.

note to self: when plagued by boredom, spruce up this post with some of that basic coding knowledge you always neglect
 
February 9th 2016
2:18 AM​

yesterday the negativity of whatever cycle dictates my mind began again
as a result i just started sleeping more
sounds good opposed to when the other cycle is dominant, when i barely get a wink of rest. but that cycle is also what fuels the creative processes of my mind.
now i am just stagnant, like a lake just sitting in the middle of a pine forest, not a single breath of wind, not a ripple of waves
funny because yesterday was when i relapsed as well. i say that but it had been less then a week since the last indulgement into self-mutilation. i'm just glad i learned to not let it go for months and months ago. i was just rotting away until i picked p a blade again. that very same day when i went to socialize with friends they all thought i was high. i wasn't. i just finally found what made me feel good again.
it happened work of all places, i know all the camera blindspots and at my work i can get all of the free blades i could ever want
not sure if that's what caused myself to become polar opposite again, or maybe it was just the natural way my wiring seems to flip and flop like a fish out of water
i decided to start keeping track anyways, see if there is some sort of average timeline. perhaps that statistic would be useful for me provided it is even real

the wind is comforting outside, one minute it is gone, silent, the next it is picking up and screaming like a creature hungry for flesh
kind of like how i feel. apathetic and content, fearful and full of rage. like a switch someone won't stop flicking.
anyways, the wind is blowing around a dusting of snow across the empty streets, another thing that also feels comforting. by day, thousands of vehicles pass by on that road, never stopping until it reaches these dark hours. suddenly it's like time has frozen and i am the only thing left on this planet. as one of my favourite tunes puts it:

Then, later, came the night shift - the lost people
emerging from shadows and beds of pain to walk the same streets
In search of fixes, money, and bars,
Gradually fading away with the dawn.

2:28 AM​
 
February 9th 2016
10:14 AM​

i hate the way this old house creaks with every gust of wind
it makes my guts leap into my throat
every time
as i think someone has stepped up behind me and is just standing there
doing nothing
just watching
but there's no one
it is just the noise

10:15 AM​
 
February 10th 2016
6:18 PM​

They only miss you when you're gone.
So there are only two options.
Make sure there is no one there to do the missing.
Or leave them missing forever.

There's a sort of rot, decay, and descent to everything. That lock and chains I am behind does not necessarily need a key. It is ever so slowly rusting, wearing away, breaking apart piece by piece, and eventually it will break apart.

6:22 PM​
 
February 15th 2015
9:28 AM​

damn it was barely any codiene but finally i feel at least relaxed and content
shit when theis wears off but oh well i got more
i should just play some games, pet my cats, do the good things

9:29 AM​
 
February 17th 2016
4:20 PM​

ironic start time is ironic
but it's opiates that give me the jumpstart
just in time to go back to work (sarcasm)
gotta mull through it until the weekend again
just zoned out for a minute there hm
this weekend the word has just been
bored
that's what happens when your muse and inspiration is suffocated

4:26 PM​
 
February 18th 2016
5:32 PM​

i don't think anyone can quite understand the feeling
of being hunched over a toilet expelling your guts into the sewage
because every fiber of your being is laced with such a powerful self-hatred
your body and mind wants to destroy itself in anyway possible

5:33 PM​
 
February 23rd 2016
5:06 AM​

I hate these memories that only I seem to know
are they even real?
No one around me shows any sort of recollection about anything I mention
it's not even anything major
It's all minor things, possessions I've owned, small 'flashbacks' or maybe they're just stories
got to try and convince myself i'm real sometimes
Sounds stupid

It's hard enough when I dream
I have to lie in bed for at least twenty minutes, often times more
just trying to convince myself whatever that dream was
that it was just that
fake, not real, not in this scape of reality
Because every fiber of my being is trying to tell me that it happened

I can barely even remember things that happened a few months ago, let alone years
People will bring things up, I will lie and just nod my head
I've always been called a ghost for several reasons
A nickname that has stuck
And even with people who do not know that nickname I have, they'll say something related to it eventually

"you're like a ghost"

maybe i really am
Who knows
I certainly don't

5:11 AM​
 
February 23rd 2016
3:51 PM​

I hate when people bring up the subject of boyfriend/girlfriend
jokingly or not
just fuck off
I don't ned my head slandered by all of it
I know how things are going to go and where it is going is nowhere
i can't deal with my own bullshit, let alone anyone else

what's the chances of someone actually tolerating me being almost completely mute
living inside my own head 90% of the time
Not able to be happy unless i'm consumed in substance or so out of touch with reality that i probably just look like i'm daydreaming

what i want most in the world is just another warm body to take naps with in the sun
To share in quiet company
to lay out in a field beneath the stars
and not say a single word to me
Someone who I can share with my favourite music that means so much to me
but no one wants that
They want money, stability, a normal unmoving and unchanging life
i can't offer that

Home doesn't feel like anywhere

3:55 PM​
 
February 25th 2016
8:09 AM​

It feels like the slump is coming back
it's so hard to write, i just stare at a blank screen, at the jumble of letters that make up my keyboard, into my mind for any combination of words to make up a sentance
and nothing

yet at the same time i am able to expel things onto canvas and 3d planes with no trouble. it's all mixed up.

8:10 AM​
 
February 25th 2016
7:29PM​

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7:30 PM​
 
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