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Ridiculous Shit You Say to Your Cat/Dog

Rudolph Quin

Rudolph Quin

Mistaken for some sort of scoundrel
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Aug 2, 2009
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here
And I'm not talking about "you confide in your pet and sometimes the conversation gets weird and suddenly you remember they're an animal." No. I'm talking about that random bullshit that you just get the impulse to say and if you said something similar to a person, they'd assign you a helper to wipe your ass and fasten your helmet on everyday for the rest of your life. I got some doozies that shoulda gotten me committed if it wasn't so common to talk nonsense to your cat. I'll rant to myself in didactic and lyrical dramatics but as soon as I'm addressing her, it's shit like this:

You're a cat!

We're both girls!

What are you doing?

Ears feel good.

You're a furry animal!

(Holding her like an infant while she complains helplessly) What? Omg what? I can't... You like this right? AND belly rubs?(Answer: no) I'm such a good daddy to you!


What are yours? Come on, fess up. You're sitting there beside your pet and they look up at you; what infantile verbal diarrhea comes out?
 
[video=youtube]https://youtu.be/J8tE7ZVY7nA[/video]

"Oooooo he's stealllingggg ooooooo~~"
(When the god damn fat-ass squirrel is hanging from the bird feeder and stealing the food. This phrase makes my dog go insane and bust out the door in a frenzy)

"WHERES YOUR BRUDDER?!" (Also, I have two dogs.)

"Are you a dog?" Or "Are you a good boy?" (I have to ask about the important things.)

"Wolfie-san!" or "He's a wolf!" (To my Huskie-mix)

"Awkward cuddles!" (My huskie attempts to cuddle in the strangest ways. Usually, he's brown nosing me because he really has to pee. Suck-up.)

"Look at those feets. I got his toesss..." *wiggles them*

Also, I just give ridiculous commentary to my dogs actions constantly. We had thanksgiving dinner the other day and the food smelled really good.

*in a soft high pitched voice*
"Maaaybe if I just look reeeallly cute and am a good boy maaaaaybe I'll get some food. See? I'm such a good boy. I'm your best friend. I'm your Beeeeeeest friend."
 
I talk in this ridiculous baby voice to my lab/pit mix and call him really weird names.

"There you are my little pumpkin sauce!"
"Loooook it's Bruiser, yes you're my little bowl of Chex Mix, aren't you?"
"You're my little wasabi dollop."
"Oh my gosh! It's Big-Nose Bruiser!"

Or I just say some pretty weird things.

"Look at him sitting like a good dog!"
"Are you being a bad dog? Do you want an ear wash?" (He gets ear infections more often than normal, and he doesn't like having the ear wash put in)

"Can you spell your name, Bruiser?"
*in a totally different voice* "Ummm D-O-G."
*in my regular voice* "No silly, that's spells dog, not Bruiser!"

Some of the things I say are even too embarrassing to be put on this thread, lmao.
 
I had a shih tzu named Chewbacca, because instead of barking he made gurgling wookiee noises. The things I said to that dog were downright shameful.

"Ehrmahgherd who's a monster? He's da biggest and fiercest monster ever!"

"Wook wook wook, tiny retarded wookiee bro!" The dog was not smart, but he was sweet.
 
I am right up there talking to my animals I have several cats my male I talk to a lot. His name is Romeo nut sometimes I call him Romeow. Though for phrases it is "Mommas Snuggle bug" "Mommas Little love muffin" he sometimes does not get along with my best friend so when ever he is around I always fell romeo "Your most favorite hated person in the whole wide world is here". it I think he encourages me talking to him. Romeo can meow but also say yeah, no and mom.
As far as my girls I have a Tortoise shell named Mardi gras latterly she has a brown patch over her face in the shape of a half Mardi gras mask. She does not meow but squeaks and its high pitched like a kitten her favorite thing is attention and getting scratched on her back before hertale. She loves my dad so I ask her "WWhere's grandpa?" she will meow at me and go find him. She is a bit timid at times and when she wants attention my family ask her "want a finger?" and we pointed at her and wiggle the finger and she will come up and rote on the finger. Though when her back gets itchy before her tail I will ask her "Want to twerk it?" cause usually when she gets scratched there she bounces her butt and steps her back paws almost like a cat version of a twerk.
 
This thread made me smile so I thought I'd reply.

Do rabbits count? I have a netherland dwarf rabbit and because of that he will look juvenile throughout his life. Big eyes and whatnot. So usually "Hii baby," will come out of my mouth or possibly some affectionate pet names. The worst is when he curls up on the rug and grinds his teeth (happy noises for rabbits) I just cuddle him for ages talking complete nonsense involving "who's a good boy?" I don't even....

I had two cats when I lived with my mom, that was endlessly amusing. Both of us spoke to the cats, weird crazy cat ladies. The best was when they'd watch birds out in the garden and chatter at the window. "Where's the birdies?" We also called them birdy num nums... Yeah.. Enough confessions for now, hah.
 
"Gimme your beans!" (cat toes)

"No, I don't want to see your chocolate starfish."

"Stop being a slut, you're spayed."

"Stop following him, he doesn't love you. I'm the one that feeds you!"

"Gimme dat belly wellly" (proceeds to stuff face in cat belly and get clawed)

"You aren't starving, you ate five minutes ago."
 
Aw what kind of dog do you have, sleepingskill? I love telling my pets what they are or what they look like, lol as if they dont know or it's important. "You're ridiculous!" Is one I've been saying to my cat a lot lately.
 
"Stop going to the pub!"

I have a husky and every chance he gets he will bolt out the door. The last 3 times I had to go get him from the local pub. Well, he has been to 3 different ones. He is such a lush.
Ok I bet you're wondering how I knew he was at the pub. Because someone posted on the local facebook page.
 
Aww! Sleepingskill, I just looked that up and it's a very cute, scrunch-nosed dog with fluffy ears! :heart: I can definitely see why you need to tell him that he looks like a baby seal. :D

Chey Luik said:
"Stop going to the pub!"

I have a husky and every chance he gets he will bolt out the door. The last 3 times I had to go get him from the local pub. Well, he has been to 3 different ones. He is such a lush.
Ok I bet you're wondering how I knew he was at the pub. Because someone posted on the local facebook page.
Click to expand...

lol! omg, what a stinker! Hey, if he's gonna end up somewhere, lol.
 
Rudolph Quin said:
Aww! Sleepingskill, I just looked that up and it's a very cute, scrunch-nosed dog with fluffy ears! :heart: I can definitely see why you need to tell him that he looks like a baby seal. :D

Chey Luik said:
"Stop going to the pub!"

I have a husky and every chance he gets he will bolt out the door. The last 3 times I had to go get him from the local pub. Well, he has been to 3 different ones. He is such a lush.
Ok I bet you're wondering how I knew he was at the pub. Because someone posted on the local facebook page.
Click to expand...

lol! omg, what a stinker! Hey, if he's gonna end up somewhere, lol.
Click to expand...
yup I also say " your greying" lol she is 7 or 8
 
I've got a Norwegian Forest Cat who's about as old as I am. The following are things I say.

"Damn you're old."

"Hey cat."

"Kitty!" (Normally precedes cuddling)

"Boo!" (He never reacts, what a buzzkill.)

"Whose blood did you bathe in?" (He really is almost as old as I am, had him since before I can remember and he still could be mistaken for a cat in his prime.)
 
I have two kittens that I adopted. They are Gizmo and Charlie

"Come 'ere shittens."
"You will grow to be at least twelve feet long, five feet high at the shoulders with ten inch fangs and I shall ride them into battle, or work. Which ever is needed at the moment." I delude my kitties with illusions of grandeur.
Sitting with one on my lap I will hold it's fore paws and make it dance while singing "Senor Gato, meow meow meow."
 
"You're so fucking weird, Peanut, and I love it."

"LOVE MEEEEEEEE" *nuzzles*

"Need to take a shit, Peanut? Ya I know you do, I can see your butt turning pink, ya smug fuck."

"You're not human. Did anyone ever tell you that?"

"What? Don't give me that look. YOU CAN'T HAVE MY CHEESE."

I think the bigger issue here is that I talk to my dog like she's a human. And I swear on my life she understands every bit of it.

Ps. Whatever happened to that "Post Your Pets" thread? Or was that another site?
 
Hage another that I forgot to post. My older cat Cherokee . I posted her image in the post your pets thrwad. I have had her since she was a kitten and she talks. I ask her all the time "you a chicken?" Or state to her she is a old lady. She likes to meow at everything I sau like she has to put her two cents in. She even head buts me when I hold her and for some resoj likes my chin. Then when I pet her she oikes to love nip. Just lays her teeth on my skin and adds a slight pressure not even to hurt but enough to notice. Oh and she loves it when I lay down so I can wrap my arms around her and she can fall asleep.
 
"You're a cat."
"You wanna fight?"
"Fight me!"
"I'm going to eat you."
"I just fed you, there's still food in your bowl. You're not dying."
 
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