Shovel's Log

[Shovel]

Stardate 69116.8

I have decided to keep a log on here to keep Bluemoon Staff and Friends updated on relevant information in regards to Real Life events that may effect Absences/Availability, Mood/Stress Level, and Roleplay Updates. Musings and more complex ideas may be added as a Supplemental, but is not the main purpose of this log.

As it stands, I will be attending my Brother's Wedding this weekend. In addition, I am certain that I will be working a long shift on Sunday. Therefore, it must be assumed that I will be Unavailable this Weekend. I will most likely be on again the following Monday.

Supplemental:

Currently, I am running no Roleplays on threads or PM's. Or anywhere really. And it's been that way for weeks, perhaps months. It has been difficult to find someone compatible with my tastes and interests. I must confess that I have been F-list Chat quite a bit, but am dismayed by the culture and environment of such a place. There doesn't seem to be much appreciation by any plot/story or buildup. Just obscene and meaningless quickie-fucks.

I have been thinking about editing or spicing up my Roleplay request threads and see if I can find someone on here who shares my appreciation for equal parts plot and sexual activity. To be honest, The thought of seeking out a partner and sifting through request threads though is...overwhelming. So much to read and go through. And by the end I have lost my motivation to write. I wish it were a little less stressful for me.

End Log

 

[Shovel]

Stardate 69125.1

I am about to depart for my Brother's Wedding and am looking forward to what's in store for tonight. I have received my latest work schedule and have the following days off: Monday, Wednesday, and Friday. However, on Friday I plan to go on a date with a lovely girl and am excited about it! Therefore, Monday and Wednesday will be my free/available days. All other working days, I may pop on in the evening (9PM or so) for a couple of hours. But I may not depending on energy level or unforeseen circumstances.

Supplemental:

This girl I am going on a date with though... We have been texting so much lately. I have shared so much with her and we are very much interested in each other. At some point we are supposed to call eachother either through phone or Skype. She says a lot of things that excite me...and not in the sexual way. Its been awhile since I have been moved in such a way.

I really hope this goes somewhere. My last few attempts at dates haven't gone as well. Previous girl was hooked on drugs, had no job, no money, and no car. The one before that was a keeper! But she is busy with college, probably moving away at some point in the near future, and says she isn't ready for a relationship.

I am (cautiously) optimistic about this one though. She knows all the deep stuff about my. How I am Genderqueer, Submissive, Non-monogomous, Atheist, Socialist ...stuff that can easily turn some off. I am definitely unorthodox.

Oops! 5 o'clock! Time to go!

End Log

 

[Shovel]

Stardate whatever.

Work has me stressed and I have a major headache. Also, remember that girl I was talking to you about? Yeah. She never texted me the day of our meeting so I never met her. And I still haven't heard a word from her. She fucking ghosted me. She better have a fucking fantastic excuse and a kickass apology if she plans on winning me back.

So yeah, not in the best of moods right now. Promise I will get back to welcome posts and whatnot when I feel better.

Right now, I just can't.

I'm sorry.

End Log.

 

[Ironic]

-Hugs gently-
I am sorry to hear about that Shovel...
I hope things will turn for the better for you.
You really deserve it.

For now, here is a funny gif for you.

 

[Shovel]

-Hugs gently-
I am sorry to hear about that Shovel...
I hope things will turn for the better for you.
You really deserve it.

For now, here is a funny gif for you.

Hehe, thank you Ironic. I am starting to feel better now that I have had this extended weekend. Gonna tackle some Welcome posts here in a little while.

Happy Labor Day!

 

[Shovel]

Stardate 69155.2

I have the day off today so I am caught up on Welcoming Posts. I also have Friday off, so will be available then as well!

In regards to my stress level and emotional state, they are back to normal. Well relatively, at least. I'm not so much upset as I am low energy and meh now. >_< Nothing I can't handle and work through though.

Good news is, I am trying to get a roleplay started with someone lovely and hope it goes well! It would be nice to have a scene on here going again. Been far too long.

End Log

 

[Shovel]

Stardate 69158.2

So...today was pretty awful. Didn't want to get out of bed. But I did. And I went into work. And did a shit job. Because I was trying not to cry. But I had two short little crying spells. It's getting harder to pretend that I'm okay and just keep faking it.

When I got home, I immediately went home and slept for an hour.

I hate this.


....oh, by the way, I'm off tomorrow. Won't know my schedule for next week until 3PM tomorrow. I'll keep you informed.

End Log

 

[Shovel]

Hey there.

Sorry to worry you all. A few of you have expressed concern over my emotional well being. I have chronic depression and sometimes have bad days. I try not to be a negative nancy when I am talking to people or when we are involved in a roleplay. I understand it can be hard to be around a depressed person, so I do my best not to weigh others down with it. That being said, I have created this space to let those who care know honestly how I feel on a regular basis. And to let staff members and roleplay partners know when I am too overwhelmed at the moment to function in my duties.

I hope that those reading do not get a negative impression of me by reading my posts concerning my rough patches. I am not my depression. I have depression. But I am not my depression. It can sometimes mask and hide my true self. It is something I struggle with on a daily basis. Sometimes I am okay, and other times its hard just to get out of bed and do the bare minimum.

I am grateful for everyone of you who have shown me support and understanding when I am not feeling my greatest. You are true friends.

In other news, I have a new F-List Character that I have spent several hours in perfecting. I am really happy with her and want to use her! I am planning to make a request thread revolving around her...just trying to figure out how I want to go about doing it.

Cheers!

 

[Shovel]

It appears that our department at work has cut a significant amount of hours as work, leading me to getting only half my amount of usual working hours. I will be off Monday, and then Wednesday through Saturday. It kind of sucks that I won't be working as much (and therefore temporarily getting less money) But I will be able to get some Me time in. ^.^

My current mood is...content. I don't feel like shit. I've had my moments here and there, but nothing a nap didn't fix.

 

[Shovel]

Ah what a pleasure it is to wake up in the morning and not have to work. And have no plans for the day! This mini-vacation is going to do me a lot of good! After going hiking out on the trails, I spontaneously went to the mall yesterday and met up with a new friend. She seems nice! We will probably do it again sometime. ^.^ Then I talked to another new friend of mine and recruited her to join Bluemoon. We just started a roleplay together and I am eager to see where it goes.

 

[Shovel]

Gender and Roles

Hey everyone! I have today off and then Friday and Saturday. If I have a roleplay with you and I haven't responded back yet, please give me a little nudge and let me know. I have been a bit busy with a bunch of long tiring shifts and then my besties birthday last night. ^.^

Today, I will be doing something a little different. I will be sharing a journal entry I just posted on my Fetlife. It will give you an idea of some of my struggles when it comes to my Gender Identity and Sexuality. I would only ask that you be respectful if you intend to leave a comment.

Gender and Roles

Last night I was at the bar celebrating my friends Birthday, when a drunk persian dude asked me "Are you boy or are you pussy?"

I assumed he wanted to know my gender.

So I told him I have a big penis.

He made it awkward for me. So I made it awkward for him.

I guess I am getting to that point where my more androgynous appearance combined with my feminine expressiveness is starting to throw people off. And I guess that is to be expected, but I guess the question thrown so bluntly in my face threw me off.

If someone were to genuinely ask me about my gender identity, I am not sure I could give a very clear answer at this point. I feel like I can simultaneously identify as male and genderqueer. Perhaps because I feel male is more about biology and genderqueer is more about psychology. I don't feel like I am trans because I do not feel like I was born in the wrong body or have any intention of getting an operation or undergoing hormone therapy. I just have aspects of myself that I want to express more fully and basically be who I am.

And I know that its not going to be easy to do that in the hyper-masculine culture we live in. I am not so much worried about winning peoples approval as I am facing potential discrimination and physical/sexual violence for who I am. Even before I started to question my gender identity, I have very nearly gotten into some serious altercations by people in bars/nightclubs for being me. So going further down this road does cause me quite a bit of anxiety.

Another difficulty I am facing at this time concerns romantic and sexual relationships. Some of you may or may not be aware that I am Gynaphillic/Gynasexual, meaning that I experience female romantic and sexual attraction only. My gender is pretty much all over the place, but the gender I am attracted to is pretty static and unmoving.

And I am also coming to the realization that I would highly prefer to be the submissive in a relationship. All of my success in love and sex has been with me mainly being the one taking the lead. (Obviously because I was the man and it was expected of me to do so.) But lately, my experience with taking control has left me feeling empty and unsatisfied. It's not just the sex, its the entire relationship dynamic. I hate being forced to take the lead and have to do everything. The only time I am really fulfilled is when I can let go of control or have that control taken away from me. I try to be as flexible and as open as I can, but it is becoming clear that I am a submissive.

And on some level, this frightens me. Because I know that a dominant (or even a switch) female who will accept my gender identity will be difficult to find. I am afraid that if I really am full submissive, then that will mean no one will want me.

But I cannot keep going on denying that it's what I want. I can't keep pretending to be something I am not. The heart wants what it wants. And I want to be free.

 

[Shovel]

Hey everyone. I know I haven't been on in awhile, and I apologize. It's been a combination of being ill, working while sick, and then being busy this weekend. I have hopefully gotten caught up on roleplays and introduction posts. If I owe you a response, please feel free to pester me for one. ;D

On Friday, I got to celebrate Halloween at a fetish event at a swingers club and went full fem. It was really exciting and I enjoyed seeing everyone. Pictures of me are available right now in the Post Your Face thread in the General Discussion forum if you are interested in looking.

I only work Tuesday and Thursday this week so I will be quite available!

 

[Shovel]

Hey everyone. Been pretty busy this weekend, so I apologize for being away. Right now, it looks like I have Monday, Friday, and Saturday off this week. But Saturday is Halloween so I will probably be doing something that evening.

Right now, I am feeling pretty uninspired. I'm starting to think that my roleplaying days are over. I keep trying to get roleplays off the ground, but they end up either to be bland and uninteresting or my partner ends up poofing on me. It is also possible that I am incredibly picky anymore which makes things rather difficult.

I am contemplating taking a roleplay break/haitus. I would continue my duties as Welcoming Committee Member...but I would be ceasing roleplays for awhile. I think its for the best.

 

[Rudolph Quin]

I would constantly go through phases where I say "yep. That's it. Not doing this anymore." either because I feel so crappy giving up on ideas, not finding stories that satisfy or just having to weed through bullshit people. But I always come back, so, I stopped saying it.

It'll come back. Maybe it'll just hit you one day having an experience or watching something and you'll get that urge like "Yes! That's it!" Part of me has realized and accepted the fact that disappointment and ennui that sometimes strikes IS a part of the role-playing experience. It's like finding that perfect someone that you connect with on all levels. Relationships are hard, fighting sometimes is natural. THAT's the normal thing. The perfect connection is the ideal. Same with rping. Not gonna tell you to "enjoy" the rocky parts but just trying to offer an encouraging word: a break is sometimes just the thing to let the cycle return to the start, that spark of passion and the desire for discovery.

 

[Shovel]

@Rudolph Quin: Yes, perhaps it is a stage I am going through and perhaps my muse return. It is just concerning to me that it has lasted so long for me. Hopefully this rocky road will end soon enough.

 

[Shovel]

Hey guys! It appears that my patience has finally paid off and I am now working Full Time! This means I will be working 40 hour weeks starting Sunday and will be less available than I am now. This also means I can finally seriously consider moving out of my parents house and being on my own.

Big changes are coming my way in my life and I ask everyone to keep that in mind as I begin transitioning into this new stage of my life.

 

[Shovel]

I'm Sorry

Due to time constraints and stress, I am only looking for light/casual short-term and one-shot roleplays and may prefer to RP over Skype rather than PMs or Threads.

I know that it's not everyone's cup of tea, but I just can't afford the time or mental effort on extensive writing anymore. I have enough stressors in my life at the moment and (for me) the whole idea behind roleplaying is for me to unwind, relax, have some fun, and engage in a little fantasy and escapism. I no longer have any interest in developing complex plots or doing any world-building type activities.

I enjoy doing long-term and complex roleplays, but the problem I am having lately is I get overwhelmed by the PM's in my inbox, shut down, convince myself I will reply later, and then never get back to it. It is unfair of me to do that to anyone and to make promises to people that I can't deliver. Anyone I have done this to, I apologize and you deserve better. </3

I am making my Skype available to all those who need it; either for roleplay or just for chit-chat. Username: Shovelclaw

If you take the time to read my journal, then I have no problem with you having it. ^.^

 

[Shovel]

Haitus. (From RP's at least.)

 

[Shovel]

It's like even here, I have to compromise, settle, and do things I don't want to do for the sake of getting it done. Can I not have my desires and fantasies fulfilled here in this space of all places? What's the point of being here if it mimics the annoyances of what I have to deal with every day in the real world?

Oh no no your feelings aren't important, its all about what I need from you.
And so I compromise.
Mmm no not good enough I need you to be and do exactly this.
And so I accommodate.
And feel empty. Desire and inspiration crushed.
I go through the motions and hope that it will bring some sort of fulfillment or that favor will be return.

But often it won't. And I am stuck choosing between merely tolerating or deafening silence.

 

[Shovel]

Yeah, so I have been gone for a week or so. I've been busy, not to mention unmotivated, uninspired, and lacking any sort of sex drive at the moment. (TMI? My bad. )

I guess I just needed time away. My girlfriend was in the hospital, work has been stressful since the holidays have come up, depression lingers around me all the time...so yeah. @_@

I took up playing the Witcher and watching a shit ton of movies as a coping method. Escapism? Perhaps. But its better than wallowing in misery, ya?

Plus, with new stories and themes in my head, it may inspire me to roleplay again. I was thinking about creating a male request thread...I am super picky about masculine characters/settings though. So we will see where that will lead me.

 

[Shovel]

lol nevermind pissed off. Same old shit.

 

[Shovel]

So...I have suddenly become popular when I switched my focus from gender exploration to MFM threesomes and gangbangs. Haha. Supply and demand, I suppose. I guess its nice to get back into roleplaying even if it isn't what I ideally wanted.

In other news, I am sleeping better and feeling a little more positive since I started using marijuana medicinally. The world doesn't feel so heavy, time doesn't drag on, and my mind feels like it's had the gunk flushed out of it. I would have preferred to do things "the right way" and get actual antidepressants and what not. But somehow, I still don't qualify for health insurance through my current employer. I tried online and in person to get it fixed and I still can only get vision and dental. *sigh* And it was getting the point where I was like "Look, I can't wait anymore. I have to do something. This is bad." I know and understand all the good things that happened with the Affordable Care Act, but I feel like I fell through the cracks. The system made it extremely difficult for me to get the care I needed, and my employer (as great as they are) hasn't helped either. I was stuck in a hard place and was trying to tough it out until I could get enrolled. But I still couldn't get enrolled so.....

I take small doses before bed and its done wonders for me.

 

[Shovel]

Too many people not working hard enough. Or not showing up at all. So work has been exhausting. And what little free time I have left is being swallowed up by my social life. Which is good. And bad.

I've kind of been away for awhile so in case you guys were wondering, that's why. My days off have been Mondays and Friday. Mondays, I have been meeting up with a potential Domme and Fridays are reserved for my Sub. Soooo yeeeaaahh XD Exciting stuff is happening. :3

 

[Shovel]

Apologies to everyone. This past week at work has been super hectic. One of our workers quit while The manager of our department left for vacation and the co-manager had to go to another location to help them set up their department. That left me in charge, where we were horrifically behind. It was a complete disaster. T_T

Things are just now starting to return to normal. We have our manager and co-manager back and hired on a new person. So I will now be able to resume my duties here on Bluemoon.

 

[darkangel76]

*hugs*
You've been missed. Glad things are finally settling down.