The Man Behind The Wolf

[The Wolven Lord]

After I was discharged from The United States Marine Corps I felt like my life was over. I felt so estranged from society that I became a hermit for the most part.
After the horrors I endured during active duty , my brain pan sprung a leak.

I'm not bitching and moaning about it. I volunteered. I get that.

The service had its fine moments. Learning to kill. Fucking bitches. Forming brotherly bonds with like minded individuals.

I wish I stayed in contact with them all. Now their faces and voices seem farther away in my recollection. I go months without thinking about them at all. The ones who endured my own hell with me.

Probably because it's easier that way. To forget.

Been diagnosed by the VA for PTSD for 7 years now.

With medication and therapy I have been brought back from the brink to a functioning if not numb adult.


But it's not all bad. It gets better.

Things turned around for me when I met my wife. Almost married three years now.
She was everything I ever wanted. A mesomorphic tom boy who is drop dead beautiful. She has the biggest..most roundest behind I ever seen on a white girl.
Her abyssal dark eyes hints at her Cherokee heritage, her brawn and nose borrowed from her Swedish bloodline. She has a dominate alpha female mentality. If you are weak, you will end up as her bitch.

I love power. Both physical and mental.

If I were a beast, I would not be attempting to mate with weak females. I want the strongest bitch out of the herd to share my genetics with. And that's precisely what I did.

Our son is handsome, bright, and he possesses a magnetic charm that attracts others to him. He is a joy and gives my existence real meaning.

A turning point in my life was a vision quest in the Mojave Desert. I partook in mind altering substances of the shamanic nature and felt my consciousness expand to levels that I could not fathom previously. I began to understand how the transfer of energy and intent worked. How thoughts can affect your whole being. That we truly are temples to be worshipped made in the image of whatever God you believe or don't believe in. They say we can see our future in the flames. I saw the inevitable if I did not change course in life.

Everything made sense. The details of that experience perhaps I will share in another time.

I have a wonderful job managing a sanctuary of 75 llamas. I run the whole show. Think of me as a vet tech and zoo keeper rolled into one.

The pay is fantastic. The hours allow me the free time I need to deal with life on my own terms. My boss treats me like family.

In my quest to understand myself , my anxiety and depression I have grown in such a way to be able to deal with myself.

Medical Marijuana is a wonderful thing.

Although I am still a bit of a hermit. I feel comfortable around others now. Sometimes..I'm even the life of the party.

 

[The Wolven Lord]

All we can do is try to be happy everyday.

At times I find myself unable to cope with life. As if I were not supposed to be here at this point in time. I would be much happier being in some Germanic tribe during the 8th century.

I would glady forsake healthcare and science for increased spirituality and philosophy. I would give up computers and cars for this honest and pure lifestyle.

To live with the gods as my ancestors once did, to walk through the sacred groves of Wodan. To feel his presence everywhere.

The few handful of spiritual escapes I can afford yearly is not nearly enough. For the only way I can feel recharged is to escape deep into the wilderness and obtain a higher level of consciousness.

I know my ancestors watch over me. I feel them pity the world we live in. We have advanced technological wise, but as a society we have already peaked and now are moving backwards.

I almost feel a total collapse is imminent, as each generation becomes more sociopathic than the last, as morals and ethics are watered down further and further, as the wealth is more unevenly distributed.

It will come to a head. And only the strong will survive.

I long for a society were I am not stigmatized for my illness. Were my strength of body and character will garner me worth and respect. Were there is no demand for being a wage slave from 9 to 5.

Perhaps that's why I find joy in being self employed. I refuse to be tamed , I refuse to bow to any man.

Odin surely must be pleased with how I carry myself in these trying times. For when I meet my end I will greet it with open arms.

The afterlife I desire is drinking ale with my ancestors in his great hall in Valhalla. I reject any other outcome, and would glady take hellfire if that be my only choice.

Because all the fun people will be with me.

This year at Harvest, I will be performing my first Blot. A sacrifice of blood. High on the mountain tops of the desert of California, in a drum circle I will give my vitality to the earth, the sky, and the fire. I will offer flowers and honey for Freya, my blood for Odin.

He gave his left eye for wisdom, I would give much more.

I am considering joining the Asatru. The revival of my peoples religion.

For now I am merely conversing with them. They seem eager to train me as a member of their clergy. My wife feels in my past life I was a Norse "Volva", or shamanic witch. Perhaps this is so.

Soon I will adorn my body with Germanic knots , Odins ravens on each shoulder. For I have seen my destiny and I will come to materialize it.

Reality is what we perceive it to be. And this is my reality.

 

[The Wolven Lord]

I'm taking a short break from BMR as I am currently recovering from a issue of a medical nature.

I've already freely admitted to having a leaky brain pan, so to all those who noticed I've been behaving a tad.."off", lets say I just went through not one of my better moments.

Imagine your thoughts a pleasant train ride through lush green meadows. You are sitting atop the train, the cool breeze and warm sun feeling fantastic.

Suddenly without warning, you go through a tunnel.

Darkness envelopes your senses. Your thoughts are the loud confusing noises echoing off the walls. Your ears pop as the pressure changes.

You come out of the tunnel, and the landscape is rocky, and hostile. The train starts picking up speed, hugging each turn like a bat out of hell. Thoughts are travelling fast enough to blow your hair back. Out of control worries, fears, hyper vilgilence, and the demon on my back which I consider the most threatening to my well being...

Anger.

I was ready for a fight.

Then the bombs started dropping.




Guess what gave me clarity?

Marijuana.

Every time I smoked some dank ass indica, I calmed down. I was able to lift the fog off my run away mind. My head was on a little straighter while the euphoria was in effect.

Like Bruce Banner having to deal with the Hulk, I began leaving myself notes to my other self. Sticky notes on my computer, in my wallet, on my car.

Things like.

Let it go.

Relax.

Think about your son.

Remain Worthy


I did something I have never done before. I reached out to my family.

Unconditional love, acceptance, and support is what I received.

I'm still officially MIA as I'm sorting myself out. No room to be creative with a fantasy when my reality needs attention.

I did try to force out one horribly written shitty ass post ever...literally two paragraphs that was awful , and it took me 5 hours.

To those who I owe responses, I'm doing you a great justice for waiting.

I will be contacting those of you who I am not embarrassed to speak to ( lol ) in regards to the future of our said on going plots, and make sure that you are

A. Ok with the fact I AM unpredictable. How I think and feel varies randomly everyday.

B. Pretty much just A.


I'll keep my journal updated.

Feel free to message me about anything. I'm coherent enough to resume conversations in a rational manner at the time I'm writing this.

Thanks for reading.