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The troubles of being a Sub

Sadfer

Sadfer

Moon
Joined
Nov 26, 2012
Location
The Bebop
Hi guys,

I was wondering if anyone had any advice, or perhaps a story to share at all as I'm having a bit of a problem right now.

Basically I'm someone who would like to experience what it is to be in a Sub/Dom relationship in real life, but my partner is very uncomfortable with the whole thing. Nothing hardcore, simply something to explore within my sex life. I treat my Sex life and real life very differently. In reality I wouldn't let anyone walk over me.

He's tried small things here and there, but while I know he's new to it and I should bear with it, it's not quite right when I can hear that he has no idea what to do, and it kinda breaks it when I can hear he's not enjoying it either. We had the advice before that we should start small and work up from it, but he didn't even like the small bits, and was doing it just for me which isn't the point in my eyes. If we're gunna do it, I want us both to have fun.

I've had a talk to him about it and I have decided not to push it any further since I'd not dream of making him do something he's uncomfortable with. I respect his choice, and It doesn't change how I feel about him in the sense of loving him.

But it has left me feeling a little empty. I normally do these wild stories on this forum as an outlet for it, but role-playing will only get someone so far.

Cheating on him is absolutely out of the question.

I was just wondering if anyone else has had to deal with this and perhaps how they have?

Also as a side note, if this isn't the place for this sort of discussion, please lemme know and I'll move it/take it down.
 
One of my first relationships was with a woman whose husband couldn't do that for her. He was aware of everything and completely fine with it.

Ultimately, that relationship didn't work out, but we're still on good terms.

Other than that, I don't have much advice. If he's uncomfortable being a dom, he might be comfortable with someone else being in that role, but be sure that any dom who does is capable of treating your partner with dignity and respect. I know you say you won't let someone walk all over you, but a good warning sign of a narcissist is how they treat people they don't think they need to respect.
 
Sadfer said:
I normally do these wild stories on this forum as an outlet for it, but role-playing will only get someone so far.
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Did you already show him some of these "wild stories" you write?
 
Vekseid said:
One of my first relationships was with a woman whose husband couldn't do that for her. He was aware of everything and completely fine with it.

Ultimately, that relationship didn't work out, but we're still on good terms.

Other than that, I don't have much advice. If he's uncomfortable being a dom, he might be comfortable with someone else being in that role, but be sure that any dom who does is capable of treating your partner with dignity and respect. I know you say you won't let someone walk all over you, but a good warning sign of a narcissist is how they treat people they don't think they need to respect.
Click to expand...

When I said specifically about someone walking all over me in RL I meant that more from this cynical PoV that Living in a big city has given me XD Though it does sound a little more dramatic than the truth. In reality it's a bit more like I'm cowardly standing up for what I believe to be the right if someone starts having a go for no feasible reason, something that would happen a lot working in a restaurant!

As for finding someone else to fit the Dom role, It's been discussed but he said that he didn't think he could do it without worrying constantly about what they're doing.

Then again I think he is under the impression that I'll go out and find some stranger to do this, perhaps I need to propose to him about possibly getting a friend to fit the role or maybe finding a female to do it. Not sure if that'd change his thinking but yeah it's a bit of a pickle. :X
cybasn said:
Sadfer said:
I normally do these wild stories on this forum as an outlet for it, but role-playing will only get someone so far.
Click to expand...
Did you already show him some of these "wild stories" you write?
Click to expand...

Gosh no! Some of the stuff I write is Taboo, my eyes only XD (not reallly all that proud of half the things tbh)

The other stuff I've just not really thought he'd be all that interested. He's very much about respecting one's privacy, and I think if I did suggest it, he'd probably turn it down based on the fact that "this is my thing".

I'll ask, but He's probably going to be not that interested XD
 
I am a switch with a sub/bottom preference myself IRL, so I definitely empathize with the situation. My ex was very into the idea of me being her dom/master. And for awhile I tried it out. But unfortunately, it was something I could only occasionally indulge for her. It is just not in my nature to be constantly dominant in the bedroom as well as a personality trait. I am not sure if it is something that can be forced. And I have found that if it is something that is tolerated rather than enjoyed, it becomes very mechanical and sexual interest (at least in my case) diminishes.

It might be one of those things where you have to accept that fact that its just not who he is. Depending on how serious this need is for you, You may consider finding a dom to scratch your itch and satisfy your urges. If he is worried about it, I find actually meeting the potential dom and establishing rapport with him/her eases a lot of anxiety. (I also have a little experience with non-monogamous relationships.) You could have a non-sexual dom if sexual activity outside of the relationship is a no-go.

If none of the above is appealing to you guys, then the only other advice I could offer is to either keep it to the fantasy world of roleplay, or part ways. :/ I wish I could offer better. I guess it all depends on how important or negotiable this need is for you. How is everything else in your relationship? Is it more valuable to you than your need for dominance? Will you be happy without it? These are only questions you can answer for yourself. I encourage you to have open and honest communication with yourself as well as your partner about this topic.

I wish you luck. <3
 
Sadfer said:
When I said specifically about someone walking all over me in RL I meant that more from this cynical PoV that Living in a big city has given me XD Though it does sound a little more dramatic than the truth. In reality it's a bit more like I'm cowardly standing up for what I believe to be the right if someone starts having a go for no feasible reason, something that would happen a lot working in a restaurant!

As for finding someone else to fit the Dom role, It's been discussed but he said that he didn't think he could do it without worrying constantly about what they're doing.

Then again I think he is under the impression that I'll go out and find some stranger to do this, perhaps I need to propose to him about possibly getting a friend to fit the role or maybe finding a female to do it. Not sure if that'd change his thinking but yeah it's a bit of a pickle. :X
Click to expand...

Somehow missed this, if you're still reading it...

I had conversations with the husband before we actually hooked up. It is imperative that your husband/fiancee feel and be respected. I don't think it's possible to stress that enough.
 
Vekseid said:
Sadfer said:
When I said specifically about someone walking all over me in RL I meant that more from this cynical PoV that Living in a big city has given me XD Though it does sound a little more dramatic than the truth. In reality it's a bit more like I'm cowardly standing up for what I believe to be the right if someone starts having a go for no feasible reason, something that would happen a lot working in a restaurant!

As for finding someone else to fit the Dom role, It's been discussed but he said that he didn't think he could do it without worrying constantly about what they're doing.

Then again I think he is under the impression that I'll go out and find some stranger to do this, perhaps I need to propose to him about possibly getting a friend to fit the role or maybe finding a female to do it. Not sure if that'd change his thinking but yeah it's a bit of a pickle. :X
Click to expand...

Somehow missed this, if you're still reading it...

I had conversations with the husband before we actually hooked up. It is imperative that your husband/fiancee feel and be respected. I don't think it's possible to stress that enough.
Click to expand...
Heya, Yeah I am,

First off, Thank you for the advice, and not just from you but to everyone on here who chimed in. It's always reasuring to hear that I'm not the only one who's going through this and I'm not just going banana's or something.

There's been a bit of movement since I posted this. We've chatted about the subject a couple more times and we've established a few things.

Not really going to look for another person to fill the role, or at least not for now. We basically came to the agreement that wasn't really for us, and wouldn't work. He's been including more of what I like and been trying to do the things he know's I'm into, with a little prompting, so hopefully that will show him that it's okay and that I do really like these things.

And another thing that happened was I found out that a friend of mine is going through something similar. It may not seem like much but to have someone I know personally who I can talk to about this, it's really made a difference, and it's eased my brain a little at least.

So I think what is going to happen is a wait and see Basis on the Fiancé delving into this world, a major appreciation of what he's giving me currently, and keeping all my big things in role-plays online for now.
 
That is certainly another good way for a happy ending. : )
 
Justinian said:
My problem is I have never had a long term Domme, and am still a Virgin, with no wife. . . :/
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Well first of all you're going to need a girlfriend not a
Straight up wife! Take things as they come, go to social
Meet ups with people who like the se things as you and to be honest, don't look for a
Partner based on if they are going to be a domme to you, for a relationship to last long term you're going to have to have something about each other that just keeps you talking, makes you interested to learn more about each other and once there is a built up trust other things can then start to happen for you, like discussing being a sun or just sex in general.

Communication is key in anything long term. They aren't mind readers and neither are you so you're going to have to just say it straight if there is something bothering you.

I wish you the best of luck in your search o/
 
I love being submissive.Problem is,so does my girlfriend.She says I'm good at being dominant,but I don't feel like it.Fml. =/
 
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