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TakodaVega

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Supporter
Joined
Oct 30, 2009
Location
Raleigh, NC
She sits in her corner
Singing herself to sleep
Wrapped in all of the promises
That no one seems to keep
She no longer cries to herself,
No tears left to wash away
Just diaries of empty pages,
Feelings gone astray
But she will sing....
"Everything Burns" - Anastacia​

This journal will not only go through some whims of present tidbits - but a great deal of past ones as well. Comment as you see fit. I don't mind. Each new 'journal' will contain a 'theme' of sorts - lyrics tend to hold the answer to all of life's little stumbles and falls don't they?

Anyway - back to the topic at hand.

Since I've joined BM, my mood has gone from 'extremely bad and horrendous' to Giddy and happy. I have a lot of you at the BMC to thank for that. Maybe it was the simple attention in various welcomes that I got when I arrived, or maybe this was the 'outlet' I needed to make things in my head 'work' again. Either way this is a big thanks to all of you.

Right now I wanted to put a real general info that will get explained further on when I finally put everything out. Some of you might have picked this up in the chat too.

I'm twenty-one, residing in an undisclosed location in NC. I'm short - an inch shy actually of what is considered to be a dwarf [I = 5']. I have a Buddha belly as I like to say - and while rubbing it doesn't bring good fortune, I am not ashamed of it. Well at least not in the same sense. I tend to drop my guard down online and let people through a majority of the walls I put up in person. While I'm shy and typically one to keep to myself, on the net you'll see a lot of my 'true' colors making themselves apparent.

Some of you [MyNameisNothing, Amaurofebris, and Hahvy to name a few], have seen a little bit of a darker side I tend to keep under wraps. Admittedly, I am a switch - however how that comes into play is a bit...interesting. I like having the control outside the bedroom - it's just how I am. I hate when people, particularly grown men who should know better, act like children out in public. It is a pet peeve of mine. Thus perhaps my desire for my boys to behave. Behaving leads to all sorts of good things. I hate it when Dom's don't actually take care of the people they have as 'theirs' - collared or not.

And what irritates me more is if a Dom tries to tell me to do something just because of their nature in public. My friends have found out the hard way that I can get violent really quick if provoked enough. I have slapped my friend hard enough across the face to have him hit my passenger window and shut up instantly - and I won't hesitate to act out in public if it irritates me too much.

Word to the wise? Don't use me as a shoulder rest just because of my height. I'm not going to be an item of furniture just because of it - kthx.

Most of the time, however, I'm rather gentle. I don't like fighting, verbal or otherwise. I have an inner demon in my head that likes to wake up whenever such a situation happens and tends to belittle me to the point of defeat. My self-esteem is near nil - possibly induced by family and social networking in school. I would much rather help someone than hurt them to begin with.

What else...what else...oh!

I have a serious problem being unable to let go of tension. I bottle it all up until it tends to explode - typically either in a destructive pattern where I hurt other people and the level of restrain I have on my temper is near nil, or it can go in the direction of a mental breakdown that makes me a debilitating person of bad thoughts where my inner demon becomes constantly present.

I'll talk about my Inner Demon more when it actually affects me. Which sometimes the most guarded criticism of me can set it into a reel of motion. Once upon a time my tension was never this bad. I took it out on my car. But when my car died - the means to take out my temperament died with it.

I didn't always have a temper. I finally snapped a few years ago the night my stepfather kicked me out of the house. I haven't been able to hear anything completely since that night in my left ear since then. My managers at work and some of my coworkers have exploited this fact and love to sneak up behind me and scare me.

It gets irritating. Just like today at work my manager essentially called me fat. Not out in the open but she essentially said it in a way to make me think that way. That is another reason I'm leaving that hellhole. They don't treat me right nor do they treat anyone else that well unless they are favorites or something. It gets old really quick.

3 years and back on min. wage? I think not.

Ah well. That's enough of an overview.

Hopefully I didn't drive you away with my tendencies to um..vent?
 
I want to hold you to the sun
I want to be your faithful one
I want to show you all the beauty you don't even know you hold
I'm hurting you for your own good
I'd die for you, you know I would
I'd give up all my wealth to buy you back the toy you never sold
"Liar" - Emilie Autumn​

I GET TO SEE EMILIE AUTUMN TODAYYYYYYYYYY :D

EmilieAutumn.jpg

I shall take a bunch of pictures/vids :3 As...soon as I find the battery charger for the camera. Imma die at work tomorrow since I have work at 5 AM D: So I shall attempt an all-nighter >> Probably bugging the guys at my mcD's at some INSANE hour. :D Or Waffle house.

Hmm.

Which one? D:

Since Mr_Sir didn't call me D< I don't know if I'm going to go see him too or not. I hope so T_T His birthday present is in the trunk of my car and Hopefully it doesn't tip over and break >_> That would be most angry. CAUSE YA D<;

There is a new store at the mall that I want to raid so bad, it's got kick ASS shot glasses in it ;3 and Skull Wineglasses.

SKULL! Frankie will have someone to sit between! XD!!! {Frankie is my black skull that I've had for god knows how long xD}.
 
I see Mr. Sir today :D

I gots him a teapot, a teacup and loose earl grey tea. Cause he asked for it. Hopefully shall snag a picture of the elusive Mr. Sir xD

Annnnd.

SANGUINAIRIUS if you read this:

I. Love. You. - And that has never changed.
 
TakodaVega said:
Behaving leads to all sorts of good things. I hate it when Dom's don't actually take care of the people they have as 'theirs' - collared or not.
Click to expand...


THANK YOU! SOMEONE THAT THINKS LIKE ME!!!! WWOOOOOOOO!!!!

*ahem*

I mean, I agree with this line fully. I'm getting tired of masters using slaves (or any pull to a similar setting) only as stepping stones and not as the give-take it should be. I do believe we can get along quite well if you ever choose to speak to me.
 
Raziel99 said:
TakodaVega said:
Behaving leads to all sorts of good things. I hate it when Dom's don't actually take care of the people they have as 'theirs' - collared or not.
Click to expand...


THANK YOU! SOMEONE THAT THINKS LIKE ME!!!! WWOOOOOOOO!!!!

*ahem*

I mean, I agree with this line fully. I'm getting tired of masters using slaves (or any pull to a similar setting) only as stepping stones and not as the give-take it should be. I do believe we can get along quite well if you ever choose to speak to me.
Click to expand...

That would be awesome!

So why have I been MIA for 3-4 days now. What happened was this -

Mr_Sir and I were having a good time on Friday, I almost finished my Christmas shopping {all I have left is my stepdad} and I invited him to a party that my chick friend had asked if I wanted to go to and that we could crash the night. Sooo I did, and called out sick the next morning due to a fever and the fact I didn't sleep. I then promptly forgot to call my grandmother that I didn't go to work yesterday.

Yesterday I had planned on taking Mr. Sir home. Except it never happened. Later that night I called my grandmother saying I was probably going to spend another night at my friends house.

"So, when are you going to stop being a bum and come home?"

There was a very very loud, "Excuse me?" from me. Let me point out something, Mr_Sir is sitting across from us, along with the other guy friend of mine, then my chick friends all along the couch with me at the end. The one who invited me to spend the night was sitting right next to me when she said so.

Bad idea.

My friend took the phone and hung up <<; And insisted I move in, because I had broken down into tears. Fuck woman, you call me a bum because I'm hanging out with friends despite holding a Full-Time job, at one of the most HORRENDOUS places to work at, and the ONE time I decide to spend a weekend with my friends in fuck - ages? Maybe 6 months or so? Good. Grief.

So now I'm now staying with my friends and I got there today and she went, "So are you moving out?" Good grief you just want me gone don't you?

AND GUESS WHAT BITCH. Cheaper win.

I = Made of win.
 
Time is just a concept
And always the first thing to fade
Agony and weakness
Nothing we can never evade
Years are cruel, they break us
Bringing on decay and despair
Awareness and perception
Something we can never repair
Unleashed - Epica​

[youtube]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eNGzltK_tlc[/youtube]​

So I bring in the New Year with a bang, along with Mr_Sir. However during the New Year my back was slowly getting to the point that I was almost completely immobile yesterday. When I mean immobile I mean I could not even sit up without being in excruciating pain. Pain that brought me to tears. That takes a lot actually.

However my roomie gave me a muscle relaxant. Since taking that I have had heard lovely crackles and pops along my back and shoulders from what I am going to guess as the source of all my pain. {Going from Hard floor, decent bed, EXTRA SOFT bed to wood couch to air bed, to floor again might have been the source.}

So my new years resolution this year?

Freedom.
 
I'm dying to catch my breath
Oh why don't I ever learn?
I've lost all my trust,
though I've surely tried to turn it around
Can you still see the heart of me?
All my agony fades away
when you hold me in your embrace
Don't tear me down for all I need
Make my heart a better place
Give me something I can believe
Don't tear me down
You've opened the door now, don't let it close
All I Need - Within Temptation​

I think that it's about time I really got a shit ton of crap off my chest before I fucking blow up and yell at more people who really REALLY didn't deserve it.

Right now I really feel like I'm really a broken doll that was put on a shelf a few years ago and left to rot in her own neglect and lack there of affection. Why? Because the mind I have right now feels like it has been forsaken of any sort of affection.

Save from the cats. Cats have always been my constant companion. Still however it's driven me to the point where my body is literally fighting back.

Then again I have always had dealt with pain. Always. I am finally able to let Fishy go. I know now for the most part what ever 'love' he had for me was falling into an 'old habit' a comfortable 'routine'. I'm not going to be someone you can just fall back on if all fails. It makes me feel like I'm second best.

Wait a second I am second best aren't I? To my friends I might be, because I've never been quite always there. I knew my friend was going to commit suicide before it happened, but instead of actually listening to me and calling me...

*sighs*

My current roommate, now that I live out here, is a blessing and curse in disguise. It reminds me how I could get better and be no where near as dependent on someone else, yet at the same instance remind myself so much how I bitterly HATE myself. Why? Because in the same instance I need the patience, love and acceptance of who I am to be utterly happy. Over the years I have been taught that I would never amount to nothing and that any male who would be the least bit interested in me only wanted me for the sex or the money. Heh. So far that legacy has proven to be true.

Can't find any guy who would spent the time and the effort to get to know me, and then those that do only are friends. EVERY SINGLE FUCKING TIME.

And in that same hand I feel like my moodiness now and my ever growing animosity towards myself is making it that much harder for my friends to get close to me anymore. I'm getting that much better at putting up that facade of being happy. It's working quite well too. What they won't know won't kill them and I'm tired of people worrying about me. I'm a big girl I can take care of myself most of the time. Maybe not right now because of my back, but I can do this.

I still going to be that crazy cat lady. :/

*sighs*

I should just meditate at this point and push the pain out of me, mental, physical or otherwise.

My inner demon is starting to win a game I can't play anymore. I want to be happy, and I'm slowly loosing that feeling or the capacity to remember thus.

Sekuria has been helping but I don't know how much it'll take to actually find that niche that is for me. Find that one PERSON that will actually make me incredibly happy. Master or otherwise.
 
This is who I am
Escapist, paradise-seeker
Farewell, time to fly
Out of sight
Out of time
Away from all lies
A nightingale in a golden cage
That's me locked inside reality's maze
The Escapist - Nightwish​

I actually based one of my main characters off that song >.>; probably why I'm so attached to her.

Anyway! Yesterday was actually pretty well - till about 8ish. I was rping with Mr. Sir at the time {Something I haven't done since really before the new year} and was rather enjoying the rp {like I usually do} because I have a thing for my characters bonded with their masters and such <.<; ANYWAY

One of my friends gets on and is talking to me and complaining because Mr. Sir isn't always the best at Multitasking. {I think at this particular time he felt bad because he hadn't kept his word to me about rping :<} And that he was busy rping with me and that she wanted to rp with him and had been waiting since the 9th etcetcetc. {Me=been waiting since before the year ended <_<;} and essentially managed to guilt trip me and therefore kill my rp mood :<. So I insisted Mr. Sir rp with her since she was apparently on a time schedule and what not.

Mr. Sir was not happy with this I don't think. >>; One mainly because I felt guilty and selfish for rping with him and what not. That's not fair to me. :< He understood but he didn't like it. Considering I haven't seen said friend all day makes me wonder if they had a talk or some such.

But still T-T it leaves me wondering if I should have really just said "Hey you need to back off for reals <_<;" but I half-way don't have the heart to say that because as it is my roommate accuses me of liking Mr. Sir {He's my Protector << I don't see him in a romantic sense only really as a Master sort of figure so nyah}, and yet the friend in question who guilt trip me does. >.<; and also happens to be my roomies ex.

My complicated position T.T;

On the plus side, my mood fluctuating has made it so I can access my inner cook again :D I've been making my homemade speghetti, pasta salads, omlettes...brownies...mmm... stuffs :D
 
"Hey you need to back off for reals <_<;" ?

No, what you should have said is 'Fuck you, cunt, wait your turn' and then blocked her.
 
Trygon said:
"Hey you need to back off for reals <_<;" ?

No, what you should have said is 'Fuck you, cunt, wait your turn' and then blocked her.
Click to expand...

EHEHHEEH

I'm living in her apartment .-. She's the friend who hung up on my grandmother and let me move here.
 
Today I'm gonna fly
There's nothing that can keep me on the ground
Touch the sky
I'm free inside.
I'm free to do what I like
I'm celebrating my life
I'm free to be what I like
I'm celebrating my life
I'm gonna get what I like
I'm gonna celebrate 'till I die
I'm celebrating my life.
I Like it - Lacuna Coil

[youtube]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DaN_nEVKWCI[/youtube]​

So. My roomie and I lately had a talk {He still doesn't get why he drives my paranoia up a wall I don't know if he'll ever get it.}. He is trying to break my 'polite' habits and make me think for me. Well I do, most of the time - but I also tend to think about how the other person(s) will think about it as well. Pah.

It was how I was taught. However he also pointed out he wants to see what makes me happy and try to put me back on a path where I am that at least a little bit. What he doesn't realize that is that I am happy - so long as he doesn't do anything stupid. Like thanks to being out of Stressville 101, despite not currently having a job {but I will fix that mark my words D:}, I am slowly but surely becoming happier. I don't know what the true trigger was. Whether it be not having someone yell at me to do this or that every other day, or something else - but something shifted - Afterall the best thing is the fact I started doing Art again. I haven't done art, or RPed as well as I have, since 2006/2007 era.

That's a long ass time if you ask me.

I think part of it was that BM helped - So I wanna say thank ju <3

You guys mean a lot to me.

On top of that I also managed to see my friends from school. Rather than Nostalgia I was really excited to see them :) I haven't seen them since circa 2006 either. It's nice seeing old faces. ^^; I'll hopefully see them again soon!
 
There's a place downtown,
Where the freaks all come around.
It's a hole in the wall.
It's a dirty free for all.
When the dark
Of the night comes around.
That's the time,
That the animal comes alive.
Looking for
Something wild.
Take it off - Ke$ha​

I have a job. :3 Yay! I already got a check too o_O apparently I make $9 an hour and get paid every week.

:3 YAY! <3

In other news, I know I have been sorely neglecting BM but I've actually been kinda having...life take over? Ja? Something like that anyway. My gay friend has been helping me pull out of depression while at the same doing the same thing for him so we are kind of each others therapists. HAH. It all started with this song too nyaaah xD Life is actually a lot prettier, save for some things.

Having a spontaneous making out with a stranger I don't even KNOW is very...disturbing. I have no emotional attachments to the guy but at the same time I feel kind of pressured to make this thing work simply because hey it's a guy. NO I don't operate like that. AT ALL. I have to get to know the person to be intimate with them so for this to happen registers red flags in my mind. {Let alone snagging two layers of coverup x-x;} However at the moment I am not going to think about it. The movie date went...meh x-x he didn't listen to what Miss Lady said {Note Mr. Sir and Miss Lady are my Protectors <<; Miss Lady is the more protective of the two} and things happened anyway.

Did I mention the incapacity to say no? That does not bode well in my favor. My 'censor' kicks in when I'm not attached to the person. Which makes my Avoidant personality go 'Don't say no, don't say no, he'll never talk to you again' blah blah blah. I hate my inner voice. My inner voice loves to tell me that I'm not worth it, nor will any guy be willing to accept a lady who is plus sized. At least any guy -I- am attracted to :/. Either that or they're gay.

Go figure

Though the guy did give me a sharp pointy object of DOOM. So meh. :/ I am not going to keep this going on. Because frankly every time I've been around him he's not only given me a headache - but also the whole...yeah :/ not gonna work.

Pah.

Thus is life.

AND NOW ONWARD To work.

And snow ._.
 
I don't care anymore - I'm done with you. Friend or not you have been around less and fucking less for me and I'm not going to deal with this anymore. THE ONLY ONE of the pair of you who figured me out was Haru - NOT YOU and she knew how much I respected you - and I can't do it. You are more intuned with those who apparently have more "DRIVE" as she put it to see you than I do, so be it.

Why I never loose my temper.
 
I have come to the conclusion that no one will be able to really understand me. Those who have followed me over the years will know that I am one messed up individual that will never be able to get better without some sort of help. Help which I don't even know exists for someone like me.

This all really started years ago. Being told repeatedly over and over again that I was this worthless slob that never would get what she dreamed for - let alone get any attention from something that would future her own life. So why should she bother trying if all she will amount to is the bottom of the food chain. That I will never be better than my siblings and they will always come first before me.

Rejection now has become such a sensitive topic becuase of how I react to it. My mind has now accepted it as just a part of life that will always happen - not just becuase I didn't do something right. No - now it's a constant acceptance that has pushed me to the point where I can take a simple form of silence as rejection. People don't see that side of me because I keep it so wrapped up under lock and key so that they don't worry about me and they don't see what happens in my room at night and I just let my inner demon out to mock me because I should have known better. I should have known better than to learn to trust someone with some of my darkest secrets and expected them to stay put. To have them accept me as an individual for WHO the fuck I am.

Do I even know who I am anymore? I doubt it. I've come to the road of all roads where I still haven't chosen the path most people have settled into. I'm not good enough to do what I want to do because it seems like no matter where I go to I'm in another negative household. Sane only long enough to get 'pseudo' stable before crashing down. Something always sets off the chain reaction of things.

Something as small as being told you're a bum, and then moving across the county to a so-called 'safe' place. Said safe place where you are now burdened with so many secrets that people don't get that is hard to keep them all. Especially when I know I should tell one of them what is really going on. But no, I am a good friend, in order to be a good friend one must keep their mouth shut or loose a home from beneath them. Because no matter where I look I'm at that point. If I tell my roommate what is going on a few things will/may happen:

A.) He'll move back to Minnesota
B.) He'll probably off himself
C.) She'll never speak to me again
D.) I'll end up going back to grams.

Fun isn't it? See that is why I don't like being in this little triangle of things. Was it my fault that she ended up sleeping with Mr. Sir? No probably not, but I feel like it. I feel like if I just left him home that weekend things would have been a lot different. So much so that maybe he would realize what is going on with me. He doesn't realize that at this point how much of a mess I have become. On one hand I feel pressured to be myself, yet on the other hand I am told that I need to 'loosen up' and 'not be so paranoid'. I'm sorry that isn't how I am.

I am paranoid because of things that have happened. Men have gotten away with things because my body's fight/flight reflex no longer responds because of what happened a few years ago. My mind, at the same time, does not respond to pleasure unless there is emotion behind it. I can't be someone normal because that is who I am. I AM NOT NORMAL. I never will be the happy-go-lucky kid that I gave the illusion to when I was little. I mean that - by the time I was 3-4 I already had this voice inside of me telling me that my mom would never be proud of me. FOUR! I remember it like yesterday that my mom had been trying to make flower boxes with me. And I wanted her box a certain way because I knew it would be prettier for my mom but someone had put the wrong flowers in the wrong box. So I switched the plants out and put them in the right 'boxes'. At the same time I kept hearing "Mommy isn't going to love you if you do this." etcetc. Do you know how it's like to have those types of thoughts at that age?

Over something such as a -flower box-?

People like to compare me and my roommate to thinking we have the same sort of background. Possibly that might be the case - only in reverse. Where instead in my case it was the younger children who became the prefered over the older. For years I thought my mom only had me around for babysitting reasons. Or monetary purposes even once I had a solid job. My other thing was though was when it was said to my face by my grandmother on more than one occasion of this being so when I lived there. I feel like people are trying to shape me into their ideal without helping me figure out just who I am. What I am even. I know my innate talents. I know how they fluctuate on and off for years. However I don't have met very few people who decided to accept me for...well me. Knowing that it was work to keep me from getting to the point I am now.

This isn't the first time this has happened, but I digest it's about the worst it has been since I had the peak of it back in high school. Accept this time I feel like the 'rejection' had gotten worse and worse - unintentional from my standing, maybe but I cannot control my brain to think otherwise. I'm not known to being a mean person. Usually quite the opposite. The night I had said what I had said to Mr. Sir...I was upset, and getting more and more agitated as the night went on. To the point I wanted to strangle something. I had promised Mr. Sir that instead of taking out my anger on things [Cars, Trees, walls...etc] and end up hurting myself that I would try and talk to him about it.

Look where it got me now :/ I literally loose it because my mentality makes it so translate what he says into being 'Nonresponsive' or 'uncaring'. Which may or may not have been true. I don't know at this point enough to say whether I'm thinking this is right or wrong. What matters is that it was said and done because the negativity I take in can only be handled for so long. I love helping people - it's in my nature to help people, but there is only so much ture pressure I can take. And as a consequence for my actions I lost a friend. A good friend, a friend who had been my saving grace for a good long time. Why? Because I thought he understood...me. Wishful thinking on my part I suppose. :/

The sad thing is that nowadays I can count on one hand those friends who will be there when I need them. ONE HAND. I used to be a social butterfly and go this way and that and have friends wherever I went. Not now. It's hard enough to find someone who will respect you for you without trying to change who you are. Being thrown with negative thoughts for years upon years, my inner demon knows me at my weakest and knows just what to say to me when I finally let go. The past two months I've hit a rock slide of emotions, and the first weekend of every month I've cried, because at those times my demon made itself known. Two of those times were unintentionally triggered by Mr. Sir, because both times I thought he broke his word to me. Promises I hold on so tightly to because of how rare they are kept by anyone.

I don't...mean to push people away from me when I need them. But I have shown my demon on more than one occasion and have only been been destroyed by it for so few of my friends lingered long enough after it's aftermath to realize that what I said the day it made itself known I didn't really mean...and yet for some it means the end of everything, for who could truly be friends with someone who lashes out at you when you've made a mistake unknowingly? Even I should know better, but apparently I don't. And I'm trapped sitting here in this despot of my own depression to know that I fucked up.

And in the process lost one of the few rocks that I clung to for the sake of knowing someone understood me.

Does anyone really understand me? Even at my worst, it seems only a small small few do. Maybe one, two or at most three now. They know what sets off my triggers by now to know what not to say and what subtle hints can reveal what is going on with me. Knowing that it's hard for me to not keep it in and let someone known there is something fucking WRONG with me. I don't want to hear my demon anymore. I don't want to know that in my mind I'll never live up to anybody's expectations or make them -proud- of me for being WHO I AM. To believe in me because I am doing the best I can.
 
Mr. Sir and I are all better. <3 This makes me extremely happy. My roommate actually noticed a HUGE difference after I saw Mr. Sir. Like HUGE. Like I was apparently 'glowing' after seeing him.

I have become a book worm again and finished about 6 books in the past 2 weeks or so xD

ONE OF WHICH just came out this month...and now I have to wait till April 2011 for the next one. Which saddens me :<
 
So I'm going to begin this update by pointing out I'm in a BLEH mood and such because I been sickses :< Thanks to my Homobabeh Satan Spice. Oo A good friend of mine who has been trying to keep me sane because if it wasn't for him I would be in jail right now for killing someone I live with on an everyday basis o-o But I'll be okay :) I had a fever of 101 last night but it broke down into regular zone. though I think part of the reason is the fact it is so fucking COOOOLD in this apartment on a regular basis.

HOWEVER I have to get this out of my system because this irritates me to no end. So the person who basically felt bad for essentially rping with Mr. Sir and letting me stay here is now expecting an apology from me for overhearing her tell my roommate that Mr. Sir didn't want to speak to me again. *quirks an eyebrow* For one I don't think she realized that she's probably torn me down in a shit ton of ways because of that FUCKING mouth she has on her. She has NO idea just what exactly she says to me that sets off all the subtle triggers to make me pull away from her more and more. I'm sorry that my apparent lack of drive bothers you but for some people I like them to...I dunno...recoup? In there own house? I don't need to drag down men into my mental instabilities and attempt to 'fix' them to make myself feel good. Fuck that noise. I'm not going to force someone to do something I know they won't want to do.

The fact you are able to assume something of someone you known for what...a month? Versus someone who has known him for a Year? Huh...you see I know things that you probably will never understand or know because you are so focused on what makes "YOU" better that you kinda kill off anybody else that makes that other person happy. He's not going to be INTERESTED in you just because the two of you slept together. His heart is set on somebody else. GET OVER IT AND UNDERSTAND. Since you know...you're the one putting out and he's just going along with the flow.

I'm not sure if I should apologize to you so much. After all you are the one who degraded me until feeling like well BENEATH you. Maybe inside the bedroom sense you would, but I at least acknowledge my own faults and other's strengths. Yeah you have an inner demon, so do I. The difference? I hear that demon whether I'm happy or sad because I'm afraid of fucking up something that would end up with me loosing things. Mine also gets fueled by the people I have lived with for over a decade now. Each little negative thing that comes from someone I care about is another blow to my mentality.

If you expect me to trust you to learn to get better you best shape up and learn that sometimes, just sometimes, you need to learn to censor yourself. I can't talk about personal things to you anymore because you don't translate my paranoia or fear very well at all. The fact you ENCOURAGED me to go and see someone a second time despite understanding what happened the first time that had me so freaked out should have been a red flag for you. Hell Mr. Sir AND Ms. Lady said don't do it because the guy seemed creepy, however you said I shouldn't be so nervous about it.

In a sense because of you I almost got raped. Apparently it didn't compute in your brain that when I said I needed the emotional bond with something to be able to respond to it, I was being serious. To have sex with somebody, for my being able to respond to it in a pleasureable fashion I have to care about them, on top of that I can say 'NO' in those instances because I register things. If I don't know them, and something happens, I freeze. My fight/flight reflex has been mutilated over the years because this isn't the first time I trusted someone's judgement or even my own and had to deal with it.

Normally I would bottle this up until well all hell broke loose, but my friends are helping me realize that some things need to be laid out in the open. I can't keep hiding from everything. It's the fact I have friends who care about me and not the fact that they are always going to win that makes me less and less inclined to apologize to someone who has been pushing me to become someone I'm not going to be. Your self-proclaimed bitch status does not give you any brownie points from me that's for sure. If you disappeared from my life for another few years I would be okay with that.

I thank you for getting me a place to stay considering the circumstances. I really do appreciate it. But until you understand your own shortcomings towards ME I cannot forgive you.
 
I feel like I'm in a rock and a hard place.

The possibility to have a master has made itself come back into the picture and while he makes me happy - I...am at the point I'm not so sure who or WHAT I want. Though the Master in question has always told me how much he cared, and told me how proud of me he was.

However Loki is...Loki...problem is I don't want to get his hopes up. He wants to be with me too...but I have the feeling that he wouldn't be one to stay.

I mean someone like me...at 260? 5'? It's not exactly healthy {Although how I put on like 40 lbs and not look like I gained any makes me wonder...} but I know that if I don't get better I will just get...worse. :<

But I promsie TO get better. I have to.

For me.
 
....

I will never be able to get over you.

...

Why must it be so hard? I haven't spoken to you in months yet something will set me off that will bring you back into my mind.

I don't know what to do with myself. :/ As it is obvious you want nothing to do with me even if it is something as invasive as a rp. But... I'll be okay. This is just a festering scar I have that will take years to heal.

I think.
 
So in news of great importance. My power cord is already in my town o_O it is my hope it gets shipped today to my apartment and then I can surrrrrrrrrviiiiiiiiiiiiiiiive :D

I thought I'd live for days without it :<

I fail :/

However on that note...my friend Carl (SatanSpice) has finally convinced me to take me to his therapist :< His opinion is that I take repsoinstibility for EVERYBODY...which in a way is true. :/ I shouldn't and I know I shouldn't...but I do. And it...gah. I'm hoping to learn to be independent without loosing some things. If I can get better things -will- be better. Yes? Maybe?

I'm supposed to write out all my emotions and stuff until then to keep an idea of just how...varied I get. Carl is gonna outline it {If anybody has noticed when I get emotionally unstable my thoughts get all over the place >.o;} so that the hour we're there it doesn't get...messy? >>' Hopefully I find some sort of structure in my life before I decide to tackle school and make it in for real this time :/

I hope.
 
My grandmother threatened to spray my face with pesticide today. And call the cops on me.

I think it's safe to say I had a bad day.

However there was a bright moment to my day. I've missed Fishy. He and I talked - I'm a lot better about this. Though right now I want to just cuddle into him and want the pain go away.

[youtube]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5PotJRV7eWI[/youtube]​
 
I don't know why you have to put me down when I try to make things easier. You blame me for the state of the apartment even though I'm gone for weeks/days and it was only you here. I accepted it and started working on the disaster that was the kitchen, the good old fashioned way. YET you fucking come home and make it seem like I had just started it like an hour before. DESPITE seeing the full garbage bag. Bitch I scrubbed your floor and cleaned up all the GREASE you leave on the counter that the cat that you get angry at for eating it despite you leaving it there (You know if you actually made sure nothing good smelled there they wouldn't be so eager to jump on the fucking counters). I do your dishes because you refuse to do them.

AND YET when I was in pain you couldn't do the favor of putting away the dishes, despite me asking nicely a few times. And in the end I had to do them anyway. I understand your depressed and shit but stop taking out all your NEGATIVITY on me. Because I feel just like I did at gram's because no matter what attempt I made to make things easier I just get ignored. Shit half the time You don't even take care of your OWN animals. Let's not forget who payed to get Databyte fixed? ME. Not you. And they aren't even OUR cats. Oh sure you knocked off some money from rent. WHOOPEE FUCKING DO. Do you not understand what you are doing? I understand Gaming is your means to de-stress - but priorities come before pleasure.

Like the DOG.

Rule of thumb - Don't have animals unless you know you can take care of them. Obviously you can't. You really can't be gone for 13 hour a day and expect me to not have work and shit and to take care of EVERYTHING for you. You ask me to do things for you and I do them. Because I'm a -nice- person. I get the groceries too. HEY When was the last time you got groceries that meant something eh? I saw you got bread yes I did. Yet you eat -my- food that I get for lunches for WORK. :/ I cook the food I eat for myself. And my food lasts longer than a few days. $35 > Long way for two weeks. Eh?

I hate it when you make me feel like shit. :/ because honestly I do a lot for you and I don't get anything out of it. If this was your way of teaching me to be responsible for myself I already knew about this a long time ago and didn't need your negative bullshit to remind me just how insignificant I am.

AND ON TOP OF THAT.

You accuse me OF LYING TO YOU ABOUT FUCKING CLEANING.

Asshole. See - these little things I've been keeping my FAMILY out of the dark about. My friends know about this I haven't told your ex-finace yet - but you know what I bet she had seen this before too. Next time you accuse me of shit look at yourself in the face. Because you are the one who is JUST AS DEPENDENT on my funds. If I left you couldn't handle it either. You said so before.

Money makes the fucking world go round. And everywhere I go I am always stuck in that bind without it.
 
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