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ShatteredSoul
Super-Earth
- Joined
- Aug 29, 2012
- Location
- US - CST
i have had this... thing, in my head for some time now, and it is about high time I just created a journal to get it all out with. no comments please, any feedback should be sent via PM. Thanks!
I can still remember the day I died, rather, the days I died.
No, not the day that I lay still and breathless with an unbeating heart on a hospital table- though I still remember that too- but the day that repeated over and over and over again where the life inside of me, the un-physical, mental, emotional, spiritual life ceased to live.
The days where my past and my future all blended into a nothingness of the present; where everything that could have mattered, should have mattered, no longer had any physical or mental or emotional hold on soul's willingness to press on. I remember all the things he said, she said, they said, you said.
I talk too much,
I think too much,
I feel too much,
Struggle too much,
Work too much,
Love too much,
Care too much,
Try too much,
Fight too much,
Everything too much,
I am too much.
The impact that I make in this world is null, nil, zip, zilch; meaningless and pointless and negative and ineffective. In all of my efforts to make a positive difference, an impact, to revive that idea of caring for all who surround you unquestionably and without doubt or fear or bias or anger, to deny that it is possible to just decide to not love or care for someone in your life by a hypothetical flip of a switch in the mental fuse-box, no. My efforts to show those around me that heart in it's truest form still exists, and in turn it is for nothing, for failure, for destruction and misery.
My grades are not good enough,
My dreams are not good enough,
My job is not good enough,
My lifestyle is not good enough,
I am not good enough.
You built me up to my highest of highs, restored hope and faith and love and joy in my heart and my life. You supported me, cheered me on, lifted me up, placed me on the highest peak of the highest mental and emotional mountain. You took the only key to my self-gallery of glass figures, all portraying each and every single detail of my entire being, and You turned that key to stone, proved how fragile I am, how alike glass and dominoes can be. Build me up as high as I can possibly be, then forcefully and emotionlessly thrust me from the peak; watch as I tumble and crumble and fall, smile inwardly as I shatter against the rocky bottom of the pit that lies below.
A darkness is consuming me for a time that I have lost count of, or perhaps just gave up on trying to keep track of. The harder I claw and push and pull, the further and further the light of life slips from me, to the point where it is but a mere inkling of an idea, an intangible, pointless, fruitless hope. I etch marks into my skin, not in attempt to escape but in attempt to feel, to hold onto some semblance and inkling of something other than the empty, numb, nothingness that has slowly consumed me. The etching elicits the pain that won't mentally or emotionally form; the crimson liquid elicits the soft sigh, the escape, the release of emotion through cut skin where tears cease to form. Bleeding, no; it is crying, my body cries for me and I allow it to do so, for my soul is too damaged to cry on its own.
When you love someone you let them go and wait for them to come back as a test of their devotion, or so it is said, but what is not said is the unbearable, crippling pain that forms when you let go of everyone that holds space in your heart, and none return. The pain of abandonment in its truest and deepest form, where the only one to blame is yourself, and there is no way to turn back; there is no way to fix what has become, and moving forward is a task too great for even the mightiest of beings to achieve. The loneliness that consumes and expands and the inability and incapacity to attempt to fill the void for fear of repeated failure, for every attempt has always ended with the same verdict.
There is more in this world than the blind eye can see, you need only to use the proper lens. Seek, however, and you shall never find what you are looking for. Wait, and by some happenstance it may just find you. Give up, and all is lost and all is for nothing, as some would say. In my opinion, giving up is the best option, the safest option, the only option.
Soul, signing off.
I can still remember the day I died, rather, the days I died.
No, not the day that I lay still and breathless with an unbeating heart on a hospital table- though I still remember that too- but the day that repeated over and over and over again where the life inside of me, the un-physical, mental, emotional, spiritual life ceased to live.
The days where my past and my future all blended into a nothingness of the present; where everything that could have mattered, should have mattered, no longer had any physical or mental or emotional hold on soul's willingness to press on. I remember all the things he said, she said, they said, you said.
I talk too much,
I think too much,
I feel too much,
Struggle too much,
Work too much,
Love too much,
Care too much,
Try too much,
Fight too much,
Everything too much,
I am too much.
The impact that I make in this world is null, nil, zip, zilch; meaningless and pointless and negative and ineffective. In all of my efforts to make a positive difference, an impact, to revive that idea of caring for all who surround you unquestionably and without doubt or fear or bias or anger, to deny that it is possible to just decide to not love or care for someone in your life by a hypothetical flip of a switch in the mental fuse-box, no. My efforts to show those around me that heart in it's truest form still exists, and in turn it is for nothing, for failure, for destruction and misery.
My grades are not good enough,
My dreams are not good enough,
My job is not good enough,
My lifestyle is not good enough,
I am not good enough.
You built me up to my highest of highs, restored hope and faith and love and joy in my heart and my life. You supported me, cheered me on, lifted me up, placed me on the highest peak of the highest mental and emotional mountain. You took the only key to my self-gallery of glass figures, all portraying each and every single detail of my entire being, and You turned that key to stone, proved how fragile I am, how alike glass and dominoes can be. Build me up as high as I can possibly be, then forcefully and emotionlessly thrust me from the peak; watch as I tumble and crumble and fall, smile inwardly as I shatter against the rocky bottom of the pit that lies below.
A darkness is consuming me for a time that I have lost count of, or perhaps just gave up on trying to keep track of. The harder I claw and push and pull, the further and further the light of life slips from me, to the point where it is but a mere inkling of an idea, an intangible, pointless, fruitless hope. I etch marks into my skin, not in attempt to escape but in attempt to feel, to hold onto some semblance and inkling of something other than the empty, numb, nothingness that has slowly consumed me. The etching elicits the pain that won't mentally or emotionally form; the crimson liquid elicits the soft sigh, the escape, the release of emotion through cut skin where tears cease to form. Bleeding, no; it is crying, my body cries for me and I allow it to do so, for my soul is too damaged to cry on its own.
When you love someone you let them go and wait for them to come back as a test of their devotion, or so it is said, but what is not said is the unbearable, crippling pain that forms when you let go of everyone that holds space in your heart, and none return. The pain of abandonment in its truest and deepest form, where the only one to blame is yourself, and there is no way to turn back; there is no way to fix what has become, and moving forward is a task too great for even the mightiest of beings to achieve. The loneliness that consumes and expands and the inability and incapacity to attempt to fill the void for fear of repeated failure, for every attempt has always ended with the same verdict.
There is more in this world than the blind eye can see, you need only to use the proper lens. Seek, however, and you shall never find what you are looking for. Wait, and by some happenstance it may just find you. Give up, and all is lost and all is for nothing, as some would say. In my opinion, giving up is the best option, the safest option, the only option.
Soul, signing off.