Malin's open letters (a journal)

[malin]

Dear: Readers

The last week has been a few words I can think of, Chaos, worrying, Pretty fucking dire, and of course stressful.

So lets start with the biggest news, and the reason I'm finally taking some time to sit down and write something that isn't just a post. My gf underwent brain surgery last Tuesday the grind up to that event was miserable, and caused me so many nights of worry, and while she is recovering I feel like I was pretty powerless in the entire situation.

Speaking of powerless, I moved my entire life to an island because i was promised a job, got here and then guess what... job was gone. So i'm sitting in this condo that I can't afford living off parents who view me as a disappointment, and I can't even go back to school because I have no money. So no college education, no job, and backed into a corner where I have to put up with everyone else being disappointed in me for things that are just outside of my control.

Oh and my neice is visiting. In fact everyone came up to the island, my 8 year old neice, my mom and dad all dropped in because I'm living on an island and they are paying for it. So this incredibly small house is now over stalked with people I can't hear myself think because of how aggressive everyone else wants to be, and I basically became the family whipping boy.

Oh and the worst part the reason I initially traded my schooling for this job, was because it was supposed to be my ticket away from these people. I was supposed to come out here have a job, and be done with my family for a year, well tough shit now I don't even have a place i can hide because my parents took the guest room, and my niece took my room. So I get to live on the sofa.

My dad will at least be gone by the end of next week, and i've enrolled in a training program that will get me back on my feet, but it doesn't start till the end of September. So I guess that makes me my families dog till then.

Your's truly,

A very lost Malin.

 

[malin]

Dear: Readers

Well i certainly did not expect today to play out the way it did. A day after feeling like i'm at my most lost and confused i get a call on my cellphone and apparently i get a job interview with a union job I thought passed me over weeks ago. So I clean myself up go in and have a delightful interview with the heads of the program, and guess what they say I will know by Thursday if I have the job or not.

The same day that the work program is supposed to contact me to see if I qualify for them or not. If I get the job then I'm going to take it, and use the training program as a fall back if I get the training program but not the job then that is gonna be my plan, if both tell me to fuck off... then I guess I'll be kicked out of my own home by my parents.

They did it to my brother, It's actually the reason I have to look after my eight year old neice. Because my family cut off my brother a long time ago. I don't regret that. My brother is a felon, a violent self destructive drug abusive asshole and my relationship with him has always been one of abuse (of every kind). Needless to say when he was kicked out onto the streets and his daughter taken from him I was not sad to see it happen.

Now my parents are threatening me with the same fate. If I don't get this job or this training program, and I can't muster a way to live on my own, then I will be out on the street alone and disowned for no other reason then a failure to launch. Not because I couldn't keep my nose clean like my brother, but because no one is ever willing to give a chance to the guy who has no life experience but years of schooling.

It's funny all my life I was told to go to college... so i did, and what do I have to show for it? an associates degree in English and fine arts because i wanted to go into publishing. Only to learn that there are no jobs in publishing because everyone is doing self publishing. The atomization of the internet has turned my dream job into a dying market. I'd go back to college\university but my pockets ran dry.

So the value of my entire life goes up for auction to the highest bidder Thursday, and at the age of 23 I could find myself homeless and alone.

Maybe it's just my paranoia, or my depression going... but right now I am very scared.

Your's Truly

A very nervous Malin.

 

[LadyYunaFFX2]

Malin,

You have every right to be scared. Trust me when I say if there's one thing I never would have seen coming in my life - ever - it would be me being in a goddamn homeless shelter. And all because my parents won't take me and my spouse. It's very ... frustrating. I'm still viewed as the bad guy, at least to an extent. I've lost basically everything save for a select few precious items and aspects of myself. And yet, one of the ones I'd been so sure would remain by my side ... may just up and vanish.

Anyway, that rant goes to my own journal.

I'll be wishing the best for you and hope you get something, be it the job or work program.

You're an amazing friend and no matter what happens, I'll keep in contact for sure with you and assist out in any way I can.

-LadyYunaFFX2

 

[malin]

Dear: Readers

You know I didn't think it was possible to slap so much fear and panic into a 24 hour period, but all in all aside from not being able to sleep last night or tomorrow night (and with my insomnia that is nothing new) I think the worst of it is behind me.

It starts early morning when I got a call in the hours before morning (about 11:50 at night.) where my gf tells me she is back in the ER after complications had showed up. From there she calls me again around 7:00 to tell me that she has been schedueled for surgery again tomorrow morning, and the kicker being the doctors don't actually know what's wrong with her this time around.

So already I'm nervous and shaking scared. The next phone call at this point comes in at about 1:00 in the afternoon, and it turns out to be the job I wanted to hear from... they went with someone else who has more experience. The ire and bane of my existence how are people supposed to get experience if you don't hire and train the people who don't have any?

So at this point I am starting to panic, I will admit I don't really handle my fears that well. I'm the first to admit I am very easily frightened person. Anyone who has rp'd with me knows that I send out almost weekly pm's to people I don't hear from for an extended period of time, and that i do some times bug people who don't really want to be bugged on their skype if they give it too me. I tend to think of my rp partners as friends, and frankly I can come off as clingy and paranoid.

but I had a meeting I had to attend with the job program still. The one thing that can at this point at least give me some assurance of an income and a home, as well as the much needed 'experience' that gets people hired in this day and age. So naturally I look like a wreck it doesn't matter how much i shave or shower I still look like I have been crying since about 7 in the morning which isn't wrong. I haven't slept, even in my best clothing I look drained.

So I'm hoping to hear a miracle, and then i get one. My spot has been confirmed and the work program has enrolled me.

Out of all the fear and terror that I have been feeling over the past three days I finally have some good news.

Now I still have to move of course and I have been given till the end of October to move out so I get to go through the joys of job hunting for a much cheaper and smaller home which i'm okay with because at the end of the day, at least for tonight I get a home over my head, and food in my stomach. Which is very different from how this day could have played out.

Of course all of this comes under the shadow of what started this all off, My gf's second surgery in two weeks. I'm hoping this will also be the last one for a little while. When it comes to her and surgeries I'm hopeful and optimistic that all goes well.

Considering how this day started, and how it's going to end, heres hoping for brighter days ahead.

Yours Truly.

A very optimistic Malin.

 

[malin]

Dear: Readers

Yesterday was a day where I was anxiously biting my nails as my gf went into surgery and struggling with deep seaded paranoia.

And nothing was helped by the fact that after they were done with the surgery they had to tell her that actually they had made a mistake and placed the shunt in the wrong place. So they had too put her BACK into surgery.

if any of you reading this are brain surgeons I get it, mistakes happen and things can get misplaced. However the human brain is not a living room please do not misplace things inside peoples skulls.

any way with all my trauma's and drama's dealt with for the first time in two weeks i actually feel a lot better... Tomorrow i take a first aid class so I will be gone most of the day.

I think I will keep this journal up and running it's been very helpful in dealing with my fears.

yours truly

a very tired but relaxed Malin

 

[LadyYunaFFX2]

Dear Malin,

It's odd for them to bring up to your girl that they fucked up after the surgery. One would think and/or hope they would fix their error first, not just decide to end the surgery. Yet I remind myself of this being very akin to the first time I got my eye surgery for double vision. I was told basically the same thing and got a second surgery which corrected the problem in a month or less.

While I am no certified doctor, I did actually just finish learning about the brain, its structure, and other various biological/anatomy-related terms. And it is definitely not a living room. In fact, its really fascinating yet simultaneously complex and - because of that - very intimidating. So one would think even more they'd want to avoid any screw ups.

But .. what do I know?

Nothing according to our mindset of the society. Lovely.

Mhm, journals definitely help. Writing in any form or fashion does, really. But free-form like this is often the most used and sometimes one of the easier kinds as opposed to poetry. It depends on the person really.

Glad things are turning around for the better.

-LadyYunaFFX2

 

[malin]

Dear: Readers

It's been a while since I gave an update in this place, so I figgured I would put something here. The work program I got into doesn't start yet, and I have done my house shopping for the moment however my attention has been requested off the island, and an old friend asked me if I could come to his place for 10 days. Giving little more then an address and saying it's urgent i've been summoned back to the city.

Of course there are many reasons I don't want to go, but I have been assured that this will take no longer then 10 days, and since I'm going back to the city there are a lot of loose threads I can deal with things like my bank, my ID, maybe I can even pick up a learners permit while I am there... That said this is not going to be a pleasant trip, after all that I have done to get away from the people in the city going back even if only temporary kind of feels like I lost some kind of fight.

So of course this means I will not be online tomorrow. I will be taking the bus the majority of the day, as well as the two boats that take about six hours to navigate, and then I have to meet with this old friend and ask him what the hell is so wrong that he can't simply talk to me over the phone. I always tell my friends that if there is a problem I can help with I will make myself available so backing out of that would just seem wrong to me.

It's funny the events of this return trip read like one of those old masters of horror episodes, or the call of cthulhu mythos where the old friend is called up out of no where to deal with some thing or problem that is far beyond this world. If one of my friends found some horror from beyond the known, and wasn't smart enough to let the sleepers lay down and have their little nap then I don't know if and when I will return. If this turns out to be something far more normal then I will likely be back Monday or Sunday depending on what needs to happen.

But that is the future and I should really update the events of the past. As I said my gf got pulled into surgery three times in less then two weeks, which was a painful jarring turn of events. That said she is now home, but instead of choosing to let her body recover the full required two weeks she is already driving herself back to work and taking a university class.

The university class I can understand, it's something she got into and it's a government grant that is letting her do it, she is following her dreams, and is the better for it. (oddly enough all of my problems started when I became lost and no longer had a dream to chase so the fact that she found one is uplifting to me.) but work is another thing. Frankly I've told her that she needs to side with the doctors on this one and that she is putting herself at risk by exhausting herself every day, but she can't stand waiting around and doing nothing. I can admire her drive, but damned if I don't think it's foolish.

Aside from that my personal life seems to have leveled out for the moment. My life for all the chaos and destruction it could have been was spared the disaster and frankly harsh reality of homelessness. Oh i'm still with my family, but with my niece gone back to her mom, and a promised 10 day vacation away from these people while I deal with an old friends problems things are still looking up for me. Especially when i consider what could have happened, and how all things could have ended.

That said there is something I feel like I need to address. I started this journal in a moment of crises, needing to put out what may or may not happen, but I also did that in chat, and really when I think about it. When I am in a post by post format or sending a pm I can think over what I can\can't say. When i'm in the BMR chat, or on skype those actually become much more difficult. I'm not good at talking to people in the moment as many people have brought to my attention, and it's time to acknoledge that this is the format in which I should be talking about my problems and not BMR's chat.

I originally started using the thing because I felt I wanted to get more involved with site and put myself out there, but I never got past my problems (i'm shy, and paranoid when dealing with people) So I think that for now since I'm taking tomorrow off any way, I think I'm going to do myself a favor and stop using the chat on this site. I don't think it was doing myself any good, and frankly I was really bad at using it anyway. So if I'm not learning from my mistakes I may as well just stop doing the thing where I make the most mistakes.

That said there are still some things in town that I would like to finish up, as well as some threads I need to post in. Any way that catches everyone up on my life so I think that's gonna be where I end it for now.

Thank you for your time.

A very tired Malin.