The Looking Glass

[MissClover]

Current Mood: Solicitous

I contemplated if I should make a journal or not, but I thought I might as well. What do I have to lose? Friends? Hah. I doubt that. I have none. - Just kidding I might have a few here and there.


There are a few things I want to go over in this first journal entry.
1. Past journals.
2. The general direction of this journal.
3. Current roleplay and the partner.
4. An old flame.



In the past I have attempted to keep a few journals here and there online. My first one I kept up with for 4 years. It was informative about my feelings and things I were getting into. My second journal was short lived, and was somewhere within those 4 years along side of my other journal. I spoke in poems, riddles and every post was able to be read in under 2 minutes. After my long journal was out grown, I started a new journal that lasted a month and I forgot about it and got busy with a game. Yea, a game. And last but not least, I created a journal just a few years back that talked about when I loved someone that I shouldn't have. I used the journal as an outlet to my feelings and kept it hidden.

This new journal, I'm not sure if I will stick with it, but in the meantime, I guess I wish to use it as an outlet. I will try to make every post have a past and a present part to it. I will talk about something from my past that was significant. Then I will talk about what's going on in the present, whether it be about my current roleplay or real life. I don't expect much to come from it. I don't have a unique way of writing, so I doubt I'll capture anyone's undying devotion to reading it, but I'll at least have it here for myself.

Moving on to my most prominent part of my life right now... My roleplay! After nearly 6 maybe even 7 years of losing my best friend and best ever roleplay partner, I have found someone that can finally hold a candle to her. We share similar interests and have an agreeance on roleplaying. We don't over power each other's character, we plan out, and continue to plan out details of the roleplay. We both agree that depth and drawn out scenarios are more satisfying then getting straight to the smut. I could go on, but I think I've made my point. Now I just have to learn to control my addiction so I don't get consumed by the roleplay and leave behind my life. . .

Lastly, I am going to talk about someone who shared a lot of special moments with me. For a while, I figured things went so sour that they would no longer talk to me. Then as I started browsing BlueMoon for another roleplay partner, I came across a name that was burned into my mind like a scar that wouldn't ever heal. I clicked on the name, and my gut turned and twisted within itself as the face was undeniably the person I thought it might be. For several days I hoped they didn't see me. I creeped about the forums until finally I realized I would reach out. Not because I wanted to rekindle our lost relationship, but because I didn't want him to be upset that I too was on this forum. I didn't want him to get the wrong idea, so I was upfront and let him know I was here and I didn't mean to be a bother. I was surprised to find out he didn't hate me as much as I thought, and he was even willing to make general roleplay small talk. . . It's comforting to know a bridge isn't burned and we can still be friends. Even if it is very very distant, cautious friends.

 

[MissClover]

Current Mood: Languorous

A few things I want to go over in this journal entry.
1. Ex-husband.
2. Fitness.
3. Current roleplay.

I have made some mistakes in the past, but I wouldn't say marrying my ex husband was a mistake, and splitting from him wasn't a mistake either. The mistake was being young, dumb and stubborn. We were good friends years before we dated, and dated 4 years, then married while I was still in high school. We had that high school sweet heart vibe to us. We were the couple everyone wanted to be. Everyone saw us being together forever. But paradise isn't everything is seems. I was wild, stubborn and overly controlling, yet hands off. In the end I sabotaged the relationship and he did as well. We set ourselves up for failure, never spending time together. We forgot even in marriage, you need to invest time into your lover. No matter how long you have been together, being married but apart isn't going to work well. He was my first love, and the only person I was truly and deeply in love with. Even after 8 years, he gave me butterflies. It's been a long time since we split and I know I'm still in love with him. He claims the same, but his actions to me say otherwise. None the less he haunts my dreams time to time. He is the lover I'll never escape from. And it's sad to say we lost the most precious thing you can ever achieve in life.

On a less depressing note, I started working out more aggressively two months ago and I have lost over 25 pounds. I only have 15 more to go before I am at my ideal weight. My stamina has increased significantly as well and I can proudly say I can run a mile without stopping! My goal is to be able to run that mile in 8 minutes or less. It might take some time getting to that point, but I'm not going to give up. I will reach my goal, I'm already very close. However, I have slacked on my strength training and I think I am losing muscle mass. I have focused on cardio a lot more since I have grown to enjoy it. If only I enjoy the pains for weight lifting. =/

If you haven't noticed, my current roleplay isn't on the forums. We exchange replies via email. We have been roleplaying for a week now and we are close to over 300 replies. Our roleplay is meant to expand over 8 or more years, so you can examine, we have a lot of work to do. I am confident enough to say we both thoroughly enjoy the roleplay thus far and I can't wait til everything fully comes together. It's a pretty interesting roleplay, based around a future Earth ruled by one government. Within the goverment, you have three prominient parties, the Feminists, the Progressives, and the Conservatives. Of course there are Independants, but when isn't there? My character is an Independant, but secretly funds the Feminists. . . Stay tuned and I might give out more details about this particular roleplay and the direction as well as some juicy details.

 

[MissClover]

Current Mood: Apprehensive

Today's journal covers:
1. Old video games.
2. Work related issues.
3. Roleplay Update.


Everyone's heard of Tetris, but not everyone has heard of Tetris Attack... It is an older Super Nintendo game where you switch blocks to make a series of the same colored blocks disappear. It was mainly versus game where you attempt to drop blocks onto your opponent and make it fill up their screen. Well, I used to be really good at the game. Even a few years back, I played it on ZSNES and still kicked ass. I could play it on it's hardest secret setting against Bowser, and still win with flying colors. Unfortunately, something must have happened in the past three or four years because I tried playing last night and I was struggling to make blocks more with ease like I used to be able to do. =/ I'm going to have to sharpen my skills. . . =/ PM me if you still play this on ZSNES.

Work, work, work. I'm sad to report that one of my coworkers might be getting fired this coming Monday. She started a couple months ago and has missed over 20 times, or left early. This girl has so many problems going on for her right now, you'd think someone was sabotaging her life. I can't list all the shit that has happened to her without it seem like I'm telling a life story... Anyhow, if she gets fired, I'm the open to pick up the shifts since it would put the other worker into over-time. I'm just part time, so I have the time to give. Unfortunately, this will cause problems with my home routines and my roleplaying. I'm just going to cross my fingers and hope that the boss goes easy on her, and she cleans up her life so she can work her schedules.

So, the roleplay has been put on hold for a couple hours because my roleplay partner has a girlfriend. Pfft. Don't know why he has to hang out with her... Lol! I'm kidding. His disappearance is temporary and he'll be back this evening while I'm slaving away at work. I since the roleplay is about to pick up speed soon. Not that is has been slow, but things are going to start moving for the females of the roleplay. If you were wondering, the goal of the roleplay is to have the Feminists take over and form a dystopian society that is catered to women and enslaves the men. Slowly, one law at the time, the females will turn the world into their personal playground. Oh, but first they get to use one of the most powerful male in the Senate to do the dirty work for them...

 

[MissClover]

Current Mood: Awkward

Today's journal covers:
1. Last night.
2. Weird Wedding.
3. Roleplay Update.


Well, last night was odd. I discovered for the second time I don't roleplay all that great under the influence of alcohol. And due to my drop in intelligence, we had to rewind a bit. But it wasn't such a bad thing. We had fun and laughed a lot. I think. Next time I won't drink when I have such a good opportunity to roleplay. I will save the wine for gaming and TeamSpeak. Wine doesn't mix well with words...

On the current issue at hand, I am sitting in a church waiting for this interesting wedding to begin. It was planned on short notice and has some interesting music choices. I will be relieved to leave and change back into more comfortable clothing. Afterwards I will be going up onto a mountain without service to roast some marshmallows. Sadly I hate the texture of marshmallows so tonight is merely a night of attempting to stumpy get by. . .

Despite me roleplaying while intoxicated, things are going well. My character is setting the traps and the other character is playing right into them all. Oh how I enjoy this roleplay. I hope it lasts for months to come! I am looking forward to him realizing how he has fucked over the world for men...

 

[MissClover]

Current Mood: Empowered

Today's journal covers:
1. Food in my childhood.
2. The epiphany.
3. Roleplay and its effects.


How does one discover that their childhood was fucked up? During those years, everything seemed normal. How was I supposed to know any better? I didn't think much about my mother never feeding me... It didn't dawn on me as something that was supposed to be a daily thing, three times a day. I always thought eating only happened at school. Yea, sure I went over my friend's house and they would have dinner, but I thought that was a nice thing to do for a guest. It didn't know it was normal to have dinner. But boy did I love dinner at my friend's house. Hamburger Helper was the creme de la crop for me! My mother was aneroxic, so food wasn't kept in the house. We had soda and kool-aid. But sometimes, she would make spaghetti. Two different sauces though. One for me, then the 'special sauce' that I wasn't allowed to touch. You can only guess what was in it. . .

It only dawned on me when I was older and started thinking back that I realized how fucked up my childhood was. I was left alone during the nights so my mother could go out partying and drinking. I never had food, new clothes or new shoes because all the child support my father gave her was going to weed. I never realized he gave her a thousand dollars a month, plus my mother had a government job, so she was paid well too. Then there was a point in my early teens that she would smoke every hour of the day. She stayed high.. and by this point, she was asking for money to 'raise' me from my grandmother. . . Thousands of dollars spent on an addiction, and not on a child. I was angry for a long time and didn't talk to my mother. I have never confronted her about my anger and disappointment. But as time has gone on, I have stood up to her about not ever feeding me. Beyond all the neglect, I feel her lack of nourishing me was beyond unacceptable. We were not poor, there was no excuse. It was pure selfishness.

The roleplay is starting to get more interesting, of course! Currently at a very sexual part for me. It is strange how I can lose myself in a roleplay. I can read the words and my imagination places myself right there. I can feel the touches, the nibbles, the licks... Just thinking about it gets me aroused and I melt within my chair. A yearning stirs inside me and I squirm in my seat while my panties begin to draw in the wetness from my growing arousal. I am addicted to this. I crave it and go crazy without it.

 

[MissClover]

Current Mood: Compunctious

Today's journal covers:
1. Last night.
2. Inner turmoil of my mind.
3. Roleplay partner.


So, I don't think it is a secret that I got drunk last night from my posts in the Drunk Thread. I said good night at 11:17 but I didn't actually go to bed until after 2am in the morning which sucked because I had to get up at 7 today. I remember most of my actions, but apparently I had never shut up and even fell asleep talking. What I was talking about is beyond me. Who knows what the hell I was talking about. Maybe it was the roleplay, maybe it was about my drunkenness, or perhaps I decided to talk about penises by myself. It's hard telling. I remember talking about my lips. I think I always mention my lips when I get drunk in some shape or form. There is something so amazing to me when they start to go numb and I begin touching them. I don't know. Weird habit. But that night is the last night I do that in a while.

I generally keep this part to myself, but I feel like talking about it... I have this terrible way of thinking inside my mind. I don't know what leads me to think how I do, but it creeps up on me ever so often. I will find myself in a relationship and I suddenly just don't want to be in it anymore. I have always enjoyed being single and the freedom of not having to answer to someone else. Even when I am in a great relationship with someone and I truly love them, I attempt to break it off so I can be free. I know the whole goal in life is to find someone and not die alone, but I feel like even with another person by your side, you still die alone. Only you feel death taking you...

So last night during my drunkenness I terrorized my roleplay partner a bit and convinced him to play a game that I'm amazing at. I meant to go easy on him, but my evil and drunk side kicked in and I showed little mercy. I said some things I probably shouldn't have said, some things I would most likely take back if I had the chance, and I certainly would like to take away that 'cackle' I don't even recall making... If I'm not careful, I feel like I am going to push them away. Perhaps I should take a break, give them some space and time.

 

[MissClover]

Current Mood: Downhearted

Today's journal covers:
1. Caged.
2. Marriage.
3. Getting the facts.

A long time ago, I had an online relationship. It lasted four long fun years, but during those years, this boy said something to me over and over again that I didn't understand then, but I do now. He told me I was like a bird, and I shouldn't be caged. I knew I was 'wild' back then but I don't believe that was what he was talking about. Because when we broke up, he said it to me again and explained it. I wasn't meant to be in a relationship. It didn't mean I didn't know how to love someone. He said I have the biggest heart he had ever known... but more so because I love so much and so openly. No, polygamy isn't the topic here either. I tried that, and it failed miserably. Either way, the words stuck with me and as time goes on, I understand more and more just what he saw in me that I didn't see.

Marriage... That damned word I can't seem to escape from pops up all the time, all around me. Yes, I was married in the past. I was only 17 and no I don't regret it. I learned a lot from it and I wouldn't be the person I am today without going through those times. It was a hard lesson to learn, but I don't think I would have changed without it. However, just because I have been married and divorce, doesn't make me think less of marriage. I have just decided I don't think it's for me. And I find myself going back to those words... I'm like a bird, I shouldn't be caged. I have a desire to be single, and I can't break free from it. And the longer I find myself in a relationship the more and more it eats at me. I don't know what I can do, but I feel like I'm hurting the people that get close to me and start to love me. I love them, but I can't give them what they want... I'm not wired that way.

Now, I'm not really sure how to approach this. I feel very taken back by this. I was told something today from a friend of mine that I have become very close to in the past couple weeks. I'm not claiming so close that I'm in love with the person or anything, but I can't deny that I like them. I've learned a lot about this person and I have found that we have a lot of fun talking and playing games. I especially enjoy kicking his ass at Tetris Attack. But I found out some news from him today that made me realize I need to take a step back. I was heading down a path I don't think would be good for me, nor him. I think it might be a good thing he will have less time to talk to me when school starts. Perhaps it's what is needed...

 

[MissClover]

Current Mood: Eager

Today's journal covers:
1. Old Friends.
2. Convention
3. An addiction and withdrawals.

I have moved countless times in my life, making friends all over, only to leave months later. There were only a handful that I ended up keeping in touch with after moving. The internet makes it easier to talk to them, but sometimes we stop logging on... Life happens. But eventually, you might catch them lurking in the old stomping grounds the same time as you and you can't help it was fate that brought you there. This recently happened with a friend of mine from when I was a teenager. We stopped talking about a year ago due to things I couldn't prevent. His girlfriend has told him to stop talking to me, she had some serious jealousy issues, and didn't like that I was a female friend. Either way, he still talked to me, but in private, and I didn't know this. Eventually she caught him and had a fit. He sent me a huge long message about not talking again, unless I apologized for going behind her back. I wasn't about to apologize for being a friend and more so, being a part of something I didn't even know was an issue. Needless to say, I ran into this person on Diablo and he talked to me for a while. He wants me to get on another chatting program so he can talk with me secretly, but I told him I'm not going to do that. He just needs to talk to his 'mistress' and get permission. We have done nothing more than play games with each other and poke fun at each other. More like a brother and sister relationship... Oh well, I doubt he will ask.

Over the weekend I went to a comic book convention and really enjoyed myself, minus my costume. Eventually I started feeling gross and just wanted to shower. I ended up leaving early and missed the costume contest. Moral of the story, no more body paint costumes. Either way, I enjoy the convention and I am glad I got to talk to a couple artists. I am going to commission a painter to do something special for us, and I'm more than thrilled! I have a love for art and I find myself spending all my money in the Artists' Alley at conventions. Or on busts/figurines. I did get a figurine of some sort. It is a monkey with his brain exposed. I wanted this Dead Zebra that looked like a knight chess piece, but it was a little more than what I wanted to spend. Maybe in the future...

Over the weekend I made a deal to not roleplay for 24 hours. I even requested my partner save any replies for the following day. He respectfully withheld his post and waited til 12:01 the next day. But during the wait, I was not occupied by the person I made the deal with. Instead he had a friend come over to help him make wine with the peaches from our back yard. Now, this left me with nothing to do since I promised not to use my computer either. I ended going crazy though. I tore about my house, room by room. Rearranging everything and cleaning like it was spring again. Finally I started to get tired and the day was nearing an end. I put things back together and in their new locations, and even roleplayed a little so I could sleep through the night. It is crazy to think one could get addicted to something like this. But what can I say, the addictive personality runs in my family. They chose chemicals, I chose creativity.

 

[MissClover]

Current Mood: Capricious

Today's journal covers:
1. Accidental squirt.
2. Hypnosis
3. One or multiple RP partners.

Obviously this paragraph is going to be sexual in nature, so if you don't wish to hear about it, just skip down to the next one and save yourself while you still can. Anyhow, I won't mention any age here, but several years back into my past I used to have a boyfriend who lived over 800 miles away and our way to get release was through phone sex. I won't go into details but I ended up squirting all over my blanket and causing quite the mess. I hadn't heard of female ejaculation yet and I seriously thought I pissed myself. I abruptly ended the call and went to clean up. I was extremely ashamed even though it was the best orgasm I had ever had. After that, whenever I would feel that coming on, I would force myself to stop, or push back the feeling, not allowing myself to relax into it. Many years later I find out about this 'mysterious' thing women can do and all the debates on if it is real. It didn't click with me right then and there, but after a year or so, it hit me like a ton of bricks. I had squirted and I thought it was piss! By that point I had suppressed that type of orgasm to the point that I couldn't achieve it again. I worked for a long year trying to get it back, trying to relax. Then one day I was extremely aroused. I had been roleplaying all night and I was very horny. I grabbed my favorite toy and I was determined. FINALLY! After all those years, I was able to again. It was like I had resurrected a side of my sexuality and I was so thrilled. I can't say it is easy like it was that first time. It is still difficult to achieve. I feel like the stars have to align and I have to be in the perfect move. I hope one day to be able to do it effortlessly. I still have many mental huddles to overcome, but I'm working hard to get that back. . .

Oh how I could go on and on about hypnosis. Many people have a misconception of what hypnosis really is. It isn't that movie magic where you can make someone do whatever you want at the swing of a pocket watch. Statistically only 25% of people can be hypnotized that way. But if you are not mentally retarded, you can... in fact be hypnotized. The smarter you are, the more susceptible you are. We enter a state of hypnosis several times a day! It is a natural state of mind. Now, with that out of the way, I want to say that I have been interested in hypnosis for over two years now. Last year I started studying it and even learned to hypnotize people at will. I have learned everything from slow relaxation inductions to rapid/instant inductions, the tips and tricks, how it works, and how to help enable change in the brain. I have been seriously considering getting my certification and becoming a certified hypnotherapist and possibly do stage hypnosis. Anyhow, I have been considering hypnotizing my roleplay partner and guiding him through a heavily roleplay imagery scenario. . . Quite excited about it. ^_^ If you have any questions about hypnosis, what it is, or is not, I'd be happy to answer anything. This is a passion of mine and I'd love to share.

So I had a brief discussion with my roleplay partner, and even had a little chat with another friend about having one roleplay partner versus multiple ones. I never really thought having more than one was a big deal, but for the most part, I never needed more than one. Once I got a good active partner, I didn't need a second. But it has been brought to my attention, that some people prefer that you only roleplay with them. I didn't think it was a big deal considering it isn't like a committed relationship or anything, but my partner suggested that it would make him feel down to know I was roleplaying with someone else. As if he was not enough or that I was bored with our current roleplay or something. That definitely wouldn't be the case if I sought out another partner... but none the less, it got my thinking. Since I'm a big girl now, my roleplays have shifted in nature and are more sexual. I am sharing something sexual with another person. It is as if I am in an intimate relationship with my partner, and if I was to go off and do this with someone else at the same time, I can clearly see how and why this would hurt to them. It is interesting to think about, but I think I can understand now. I wasn't 'committed' to my roleplay partner, but I wasn't looking for other partners either. Now with my change in views, I won't be roleplaying with anyone else as long as we continue to roleplay because I can honestly say I am fully committed to him. . .

 

[MissClover]

Current Mood: ......

Today's journal covers:
1. Ragnarok Online.
2. My Other Job.
3. Hmmmm.

I used to be completely drawn in and obsessed over a game called Ragnarok Online. I played it for a very very long time and I even get a job as a GM for a couple years and even started scripting quests for new hats. I bring this up because a friend of mine that I used to play with knew I worked on the technical side of things behind my 'public relations' title. They asked me to help him start a RO server but I seriously wouldn't know where to start anymore. It has been so many years. Plus my time is limited. I feel like I'm juggling a million things at once. But hey, it does bring back memories of group chats on Skype, playing truth or dare and terrorizing the other GMs. I miss those old days sometimes. But overall I'm glad I moved on and got to the place I am today.

So, my other job is something I do in my 'free time'. I do it because I have always wanted to since I was a teenager. It isn't really something people smile at me and say congrats for doing. Most people probably look down on me. And some people have the wrong reason on why I do it. I don't do it because I NEED money. Yes the money is nice, but I do it for the fun of it. Anyhow, it is sexual in nature, but no worries, I don't actually physically touch anyone and they can't touch me. We aren't even in the same room, or state for that matter. I won't say what I do, but you can probably make some good guesses. Anyhow, I sell my SnapChat out, but I have regular friends on there that only get PG-13 pictures, but today I accidentally sent something X-rated to one of my friends and let's just say I panicked, and got extremely embarrassed. They haven't seen it yet, but my nerves are on end. >_< I might have to just make two separate accounts.

I had something planned to write here, but I have decided against it. Maybe I will go into it at another point and time, but for now I think I'd better just keep my mouth shut. . .

 

[MissClover]

Current Mood: Listless

Today's journal covers:
My Last Journal Entry and Why…

These past few days I have been rather hard for me. I have been struggling with a decision and I finally decided that I don’t feel comfortable posting my feelings on here. However if you have something in mind that you want to ask me directly through PM, I am more than open to the idea of sharing privately. I just had a situation arise where I felt my freedom to express myself on here was hindered. So with that also in mind, I may be posting less as well. But I’ll still be around

I am deeply sorry if you are one of the few people who will miss my journals You can always request updates and thoughts from me if you want. I’ll gladly write to you privately. . .