At least I can say these things here

[TheyDontKnowIBurn]

So, I was gone for a long time, only periodically floating back, buuuut, I feel nostalgic for this place again.

A lot has happened this year. Good, bad. My world kinda flipped on it's ear this last year. And some of it is still tough to cope with. But I read somewhere that even the illusion of knowing someone will hear you helps to cope. So ridiculous online journal time, go!

First off, my dad, who is already a heart patient, had stroke last June. 36 hours of stroking, and you would never be able to tell he had one. Some very mild aphasia, but otherwise, he's the same old dad, ornery and refusing to behave himself.

About three weeks after that, my mom died. I decided about a week ago, that somehow, "passing away" seems like a bullshit candy coating for something terrible that happened due to the negligence of others. So I don't say passing away anymore. My mom died, and if I'm being honest she was killed. Here it is closing on a year since she died, and I'm not gonna lie. I've made approximately no progress in the coping situation. I can't think of her without crying. Which is tough, because of a certain event coming up, but more on that later. I can't talk to my sister about this because I don't feel I can cry around my little sisters. Big sister problems, I guess. And dad isn't quite emotionally as there as he was through the stroke, so try as he might, he doesn't connect about it. My love has really helped... He holds me when I cry, which, again, due to a certain event upcoming has been a lot, recently. But he's not lost a parent, and I can't really expect him to truly know how I feel on that. I'm glad he doesn't really. But it just leaves me in sort of a dark way with the whole coping thing. I love my mom, and I miss her every day, and it's hard knowing she won't be there for the important event next year.

Now that I've mentioned a mystery event somewhere in the area of three times, I'll still the beans. I'm getting married in July of 2015. I found him. My other half. I'm gonna be a Mrs. next year. Hence why I think of mom so much. But yeah. I'm getting married, and to me that's crazy, because 8 months ago, I had a serious hate for those who have dangly bits. XD But I suppose I forgive them now.

There's talk of starting our family as soon as the wedding is done. We already have pets together, but we think it's baby time. So in like two years, hopefully someone will come that will call me mommy. God help this world. XD

On the subject of babies, I also became an aunt this year. My beautiful sister gave birth to an even more beautiful little girl, and she is my niecey and I love her, and as soon as she's old enough for candy, I intend to hype her up on sugar then send her home... With the understanding that the same will be done to me at a later date. XD

So, yeah. That's pretty much what's been noteworthy in my life. Talk about emotional whiplash.

 

[Rudolph Quin]

Congrats on the upcoming nuptials! ^^ And although still in mourning, it is good to see that you are doing well.

 

[TheyDontKnowIBurn]

Thank you! I'm happy. He makes me feel more alive than I have in a loooong time. I used to think I had to do stupid things to feel happy. Now I'm just happy sitting and killing things on Borderlands with him. XD

 

[TheyDontKnowIBurn]

I'm really struggling today. I just don't know what to do anymore. I have bipolar and it's out of control because my medications started to give me chest pains, so I can't take them until I get to a doctor and they find me some that don't make me feel like death's bitch sister.

So, of course feeling bad, I look to the old messages between me and my mom, hoping to find some tidbit of wisdom from her that will help me through, because she's gone now, and can't give them to me in person.

God, I miss her.

I read over my messages, and I realize that last time we talked, she apologized for a fight we'd had. But I didn't apologize back. I did tell her I loved her. I just told her I forgave her. She died a few days later, and I hate myself for fighting with her. I hate myself for not saying sorry. I hate myself for not giving her those three little words, just because I was being spiteful and stupid.

I don't know if I can forgive myself. Letting her go that way. I knew that her surgery could be risky. I knew something could go wrong. But it didn't. She was fine through the surgery. Just not after. I thought I had time. I didn't. If I could go back again, I'd cry and bed for her to forgive me, and tell her I love her a million times, and that I was thankful for her being my mom.

I didn't do any of that, and I should have.

So if you're reading this, and you have a good mom (emphasis on this, because not everyone has or should pursue a connection with their mother, especially if she's not kind and decent to you), just don't do what I did. Don't let stupid pride hurt her and you. Just give her a hug, and be glad when you see her name come up on the telephone. Cause someday it won't anymore. And you'll wonder how you're supposed to keep doing this without her there to cheer you on.

She was the biggest fan of my art. I was blessed to have her. I just wish I'd seen how lucky I was then.


RIP DAB. You are missed every single day. The world is less with you not in it.

 

[ShadowsLitany]

I feel you on that bit with your Mom, mine was a big part of my life then sort of drifted off and wasn't calling or visiting. Being me I sort of let it slide for a bit, then by the time I realized she was out of my life it was a few years later. We only reconnected when my Aunt called telling me that my Mom was in the final stages of Ovarian Cancer, my wife and I were expecting (we had a small wedding but my Mom missed out on that). She knew there was a grandson on the way, and he was named after her Dad but I think most that memory was gone by the time we saw her again as the cancer had really taken hold.

A lot I missed out on, saying and what not, and there were times it tore me up inside. Like shards that buried deep in my soul. Still you can't go back, occasionally I say the things I want to at her grave thinking she is listening in and knows and forgives. That at least gives me comfort.

My Dad died last month from cancer, but I reconnected with him over the past few years (yeah, its a weird family) so at least this time there was nothing more to say just to make sure he went peacefully and when we had the burial there were heart warming speeches and better feelings all around, even amid the sadness.

I go more by the old phrase now - live each day like its your last. Regret little, and forgive more.