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Funny jokes for all!

D

Dogged

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Joined
Apr 23, 2013
Hey all, I thought it would be fun to start up a joke thread that we could all enjoy. Just remember BMR guidelines and don't post anything that might be offensive, racist or target a specific group of people for ridicule. The best jokes don't need to put down anyone to be funny for everyone! Does the joke above remind you of you, your char or something else? The joke before could remind you of a joke you know that's got a similar theme.
Please allow me to be the first to share a couple:

I had a visitor one night… he explored my body… licked, sucked, swallowed & had his fill… when satisfied he left… I was hurt… Damn mosquito!!!

Guy: Can I buy you a drink?
Girl: Sorry, but alcohol is bad for my legs.
Guy: Do they swell?
Girl: No. They spread

:D :p :D
 
I just found one for us redheads:
A young man in a public swimming pool was startled when his swimsuit fell off.

He was in the deep end, and couldn't find it, no matter how desperately he looked.

Perplexed, he went to the shallow end and tried to figure out what to do.

As he stood there up to his chest in water and watched the young ladies in their bikinis, he was additionally stressed to realize that he now sported a raging hard on.

Finally, he struck up a course of action. He jumped violently out of the water and shouted loudly, "Mad dog! Mad dog!"

Although most of the others in the pool began screaming in fear, a lusty redhead took a more direct course of action.

She tore off her bikini bottoms, flattened him on the ground and straddled him yelling, "Quick! Let me muzzle that son of a bitch before it gets away!"
 
^ Betcha that dog "foams at the mouth" VERY SOON! ^

Two guys are walking their dogs when they pass a beer joint. One says to the other, "Man! I could really use a drink!" The other points to a sign in the window: "No dogs allowed!" "We're SOL!" The first guy says, "Wait a minute! If they're seeing-eye dogs, they have to let them in! Americans with Disabilities Act and all that shit!" He produces a pair of dark glasses and strolls on in.

The bartender accosts him immediately and says, "Hey, mac, didn't you see the sign? No dogs allowed!" "No, I didn't see the sign, because I'm blind!" replies the man. "This is a seeing-eye dog!" The bartender says, "But that's a Doberman!" and his would-be customer says, "Since the ADA was passed, there's been a shortage of good German Shepherds. They've been doing excellent work with this breed!" The bartender, chastened, assents and draws the man a beer.

Meanwhile, the other guy is outside, expecting his buddy to be summarily ushered out. When he is not, the guy thinks, What the hell and puts his sunglasses on and walks in.

The bartender rushes to intercept him. "Hey, buddy, that other guy told me about Dobermans and seeing-eye dogs and all - but that's a CHIHUAHUA!"

And the little guy says, "Oh, no - they gave me a fucking CHIHUAHUA?"
 
Alrighty, I've got a few. I'm not gonna lie. These are NOT for the feint of heart. If you do not care for Black Comedy I suggest you move on. That being said:

(As said by a man) Okay guys I have a problem. I've been seeing a girl for a while and she lives near my dorm. We both lost our virginites to one another, yea I know, I'm total noob-sauce, but I'm asking for help. We've been seeing each other for some time and eventually had sex. Like I said it was her first time too, and I know there should be blood but there was a lot! I kinda dismissed it at first but every time since there has been blood! I don't think this is right. What do you think? Should I try a new possition? Should I use a special lube? Should I wait till she turns 10? What exactly am I doing wrong?

Q: You know how I know Steve Erwin didn't use sunblock?
A: He wasn't protected from deadly rays.

Q: Whats the hardest thing about watching a fatal car accident?
A: My dick.

seinfeld_jerry.jpg

What's the deal with black people? They're not even black and they're not even people!

Lastly a quote from one of my favorite comedians:
"You can tell by how bad of a person someone is by how soon after 9/11 they masturbated. For me it was somewhere between the North and South Towers falling" -Louis C.K.

Goodnight ladies and gents! Thats all the putrid humor I can muster for today!
 
A woman walks into a pharmacy, buys a pack of cigarettes from the pharmacist, and proceeds to pull one out and starts puffing.
The pharmacist, obviously, is not pleased.
"Miss, I'm afraid you can't do that in here."
The woman is outraged. "Oh, so you sell them, but god forbid I use one in your store!"

"We sell condoms too."
 
And so the pilot said, "No, Philadelphia is soft cheese, this is Boston."

(You have to read it aloud to make it sound funny. If it still doesn't sound funny, just keep trying.)
 
Love it! I could hear the Mass accent with their jeez! I've yet to hear a masshole manage a ch or th in over 40 years of life!

I cannot claim the greatness of the humor. This is from the great Jeff Foxworthy:

Jeff Foxworthy on New Englanders

If your local Dairy Queen is closed from September through May, you live in New England.

If someone in a Home Depot store offers you assistance and they don't work there, you live in New England.

If you've worn shorts and a parka at the same time, you live in New England.

If you've had a lengthy telephone conversation with someone who dialed a wrong number, you live in New England.

If 'vacation' means going anywhere south of New York City for the weekend, you live in New England.

If you measure distance in hours, you live in New England.

If you know several people who have hit a deer more than once, you live in New England.

If you've switched from 'heat' to 'A/C' in the same day and back again, you live in New England.

If you can drive 75 mph through 2 feet of snow during a raging blizzard without flinching, you live in New England.

If you install security lights on your house and garage but leave both unlocked, you live in New England.

If you carry jumper cables in your car and your wife knows how to use them, you live in New England.

If you design your kid's Halloween costume to fit over a snowsuit, you live in New England.

If the speed limit on the highway is 55 mph, you're going 80 and everybody is passing you, you live in New England.

If driving is better in the winter because the potholes are filled with snow, you live in New England.

If you know all 4 seasons: almost winter, winter, still winter and road construction, you live in New England.

If you have more miles on your snow blower than your car, you live in New England.

If you find 10 degrees 'a little chilly', you live in New England. (Love this one coz we're having a serious heat wave with no coats coz it's up to 42 today!)

If there's a Dunkin Donuts on every corner, you live in New
England.
 
Two brothers grow up in Brooklyn; one takes on the family funeral-home business, the other becomes a successful professional gambler in Las Vegas. Many years pass, and eventually the brother who stayed home dies. Heartbroken, the wayward son, who inherited the mortuary business, returns to run it in his brother's memory. At some point, Sid, one of his Sin City buddies, blows into town and looks him up. "So, Manny, how's business?" he asks the undertaker.

"Oy, business is terrible!" Manny replies.

Sid, shocked, says, "But Manny, your viewing parlors are full of stiffs!"

"Yeah," Manny admits. "But only one is a customer. The rest are shills!"
 
Got a few good ones for ya:

There was an elderly man who wanted to make his younger wife pregnant. So, he went to the doctor to have a sperm count done. The doctor told him to take a specimen cup home, fill it, and bring it back the next day. The elderly man came back the next day and the specimen cup was empty and the lid was on it. Doctor: What was the problem? Elderly man: Well, I tried with my right hand...nothing. So, I tried with my left hand...nothing. My wife tried with her right hand...nothing. Her left hand...nothing. Her mouth...nothing. Then my wife's friend tried. Right hand, left hand, mouth....still nothing. Doctor: Wait a minute. You mean your wife's friend too?! Elderly man: Yeah, and we still couldn't get the lid off of the specimen cup.

This beautiful woman one day walks into a doctors office and the doctor is bowled over by how stunningly awesome she is. All his professionalism goes right out the window...
He tells her to take off her pants, she does, and he starts rubbing her thighs.
"Do you know what I am doing?" asks the doctor?
"Yes, checking for abnormalities." she replies.
He tells her to take off her shirt and bra, she takes them off. The doctor begins rubbing her breasts and asks, "Do you know what I am doing now?", she replies, "Yes, checking for cancer."
Finally, he tells her to take off her panties, lays her on the table, gets on top of her and starts having sex with her. He says to her, "Do you know what I am doing now?"
She replies, "Yes, getting herpes - that's why I am here!"

And finally:
A couple just got married and on the night of their honeymoon before passionate love, the wife tells the husband, "Please be gentile, I'm still a virgin." The husband being shocked, replied, "How's this possible? You've been married three times before." The wife responds, "Well, my first husband was a gynecologist and all he wanted to do was look at it. My second husband was a psychiatrist and all he wanted to do was talk about it. Finally, my third husband was a stamp collector and all he wanted to do was...oh, do I miss him!"
 
A guy goes to the dentist to have a procedure done. The hygienist arranges him so the dentist can have proper access and asks, "Now: are you comfortable?"

The patient replies, "Mneh, I have a couple of dollars!"
 
A man walks in to see his shrink, he says "Doc, I have this problem, one minute I'm a teepee, the next I'm a wigwam then I'm a teepee again then I'm a wigwam and so one all day long!"

The doctor thinks a minute and says "Hmmm it seems to me you're too tense"
 
This is a student and teacher one

Teacher: today class we will learn how to subtract,
*teacher walks up to student*
Teacher: you have 10 cakes and I take 5 how many do you still have?
Student: 10
Teacher: what if someone would forcibly take 5 of your cakes?
Student: I have 10....and a dead body

Here's another one

If jimmy ate 10 out of 20 cakes what does he have?

Answer: jimmy has diabetes
 
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