What Lies In A Heart Of Darkness (10/2 Entry)

[HeartOfTheDarkness]

Hello everyone. It's been a while since I've posted a journal entry, and and since I wanted to make an entry that's a little more personal, I figured I should start a whole new journal. I've noticed that I normally make these posts whenever I go into some sort of depression or when I get some emotional spike. Seeing that's it's been a long time since I've made a journal entry, I guess I've been pretty happy with my life since I've had no desire to talk about my life or ask for advice. I should probably make this a more regular occurrence.

I guess I should talk a little more about myself. Back when I joined this site, I chose this name because I was an unhappy individual at the time. I was always angry, I was always depressed, I was just a rotten human being. I came to this site for something like an escape from reality. I worked at a Burger King, dealing with shit from asshole customers on a daily basis. I didn't make much money. I lived with my parents. And I was single and lonely. It was horrible. In the past, I've been teased for my weight, I've been through a couple of short lived relationships, and I've had a family member taken from me. I know it's not the worst life ever, but it left me pissed off at a lot of things.

Since then, I've quit my job at Burger King and I've started working at an airport, delivering bags to airplanes. It's not the best job, but it's so much better than Burger King. I wasn't a very social person to begin with, so I'm very happy that most of my day consists of sitting in a little cart, alone. Because of that, I've started to get a brighter view of life, opening up more to my friends, making friends on this site, and slowly becoming a kinder person. I still get pissed off a lot, but I'm not as angry as I use to be. I'm still single and I live with my parents, but I've gotten so much more freedom in my life since then, plus an apartment is fucking expensive where I live.

I do feel lonely at times though, and that's part of the reason why I've decided to make an entry today. I recently learned that one of my friends is getting married. A female friend, one of my closest friends, and she is also the girl I've had strong romantic feelings for since high school. Back when I had a miserable life, she was one of the few people I would go to for cheering up. She was fun to be around, every time I was with her, I was laughing. And it was kind of heartbreaking to hear her tell me that she only saw me as a friend. Since then, I've tried to get over her, and I haven't become as clingy to her as I use to be when I first realized my feelings for her, but that overwhelming sadness seems to have returned when I heard about her news. While I'm happy for her, it's hard to not feel upset when the girl that's getting married is the girl that I've been desiring to be with for years. I know I'll probably get over this eventually, but it did hurt to hear the news.

I don't really know what to expect from posting my problems here, but it does help to kind of put them out there, to get these emotions off my chest. While it's welcome, I don't expect advice or comfort from the readers, this is probably my way of dealing with my problems. I have friends that deal with their problems in different ways. One of them seems to have a girlfriend every couple of months, and he drowns his sorrows in bottles of liquor each night, the bastard is annoying as hell when he's drunk. Another friend of mine got dumped by his girlfriend that he's had throughout high school, and he calms his sadness by playing hours after hours of video games. I even have a friend that managed to keep his relationship, in spite of the fact that he upsets his girlfriend constantly.

While I do wish to have a relationship like that, to have someone love me in spite of my faults, I don't believe that would happen anytime soon. I do plan on doing something about it though. I have been getting out of the house more, when I'm not working. I also plan on losing my weight, mostly to make myself feel better. I plan to enjoy my friendships, in my personal life and on this site. I still plan to work hard at my job, and I've been even slowly working on a little side project with my friends, although it probably won't take off until we finally get our apartment arrangements set up. I guess I'm saying that I don't want this news to bring me down, and even as I type this, I do actually feel a bit better now that I'm not keeping this all bottled up. I do still feel like I need some time to sort things out, but this really did help.

I do plan on keeping up with this, talking about events in my life and talking about topics that are important to me. Thank you to those of you that took the time to read this, it means a lot to me to know that this is being read.

 

[HeartOfTheDarkness]

RE: What Lies In A Heart Of Darkness

You know what? I said I'm gonna try and do these journals a bit more regularly, and yet here I am, making my second entry almost a year after my first one. I kinda feel like an asshole. Oh well, it's kinda who I am, so I'm use to it.

Anyways, a lot has happened recently. Some good, some bad, some meh. My job at the airport has gone to hell. The company I work for lost it's contract for the airport, so it'll be shutting down by the end of October. I've been spending the past few months trying to look for a new place to work, but a lot of people aren't hiring, so it's been difficult. I can always go to the new company that's taking over, but I don't really care for their policies, I've got to fucking pay for my parking pass, I have to pay to fucking come to work, hell no. So things have been a bit rough on that end, and I'm aware that this is very stressful, so I'd like to apologize. I'd like to apologize in advance, I'm sorry if I may seem depressing or if it sounds like I'm venting on you, I really don't mean to do so. I'd also like to apologize to those that I might've already done that to. While I'm trying to avoid pushing my life issues on someone, sometimes it comes out. So for that, I'm very sorry (not sure if I should go ahead and actually put names. If they want me to remove the names, I will edit this) Candira, Wingshadow, and messylips. I'm very happy to have you as roleplaying partners, and I'm sorry if I've troubled you or made you uncomfortable with my life problems.

That being said, it's not all that bad. During my time off, I tend to go out more, meet up with friends, see family, anything to get out of the house. It's a nice change of pace compared to how I use to live, locking myself in my room and not coming out unless I absolutely had to. I'm still not very sociable, I guess some things never change, although it's just kinda hard to have a better view on people after working a job where you see the worst of them. There are times where I try to lighten up, being kind to random strangers, and then there's that one asshole that'll I'll cross by and he'll remind me why I stopped socializing with random people. But oh well, I usually try to at least stay polite when I pass by people, and I've got plenty of friends to talk to.

Lately I've been getting back into watching anime, and I've started watching it while it's in syndication. I'm hooked on Akame ga Kill (although the manga is much better) and I absolutely loved watching Stardust Crusaders. And now the fall season is starting up, and I'm excited for quite a few shows. Unlimited Blade Works begins on Saturday, and the Garo anime begins as well. There's also the new seasons of Log Horizon and Chaika. So this season of anime will hopefully be exciting.

As for games, I've been playing a lot on my Vita and PS4, although lately I've been doing quite a bit of PC gaming. I've been playing a lot of RPG-Maker horror games, which are actually pretty scary compared to a lot of the horror games that come out. I've always found them to be quite interesting, watching playthroughs of them online, but now I've decided to play a few of them myself. While some games like Misao are kinda dumb and goofy for the ridiculous death scenes (although it has a really dark twist near the end), games like Ib are very well written and set up a great creepy atmosphere (I also cried at one of the endings). Recently I've been playing The Crooked Man, and it reminds me a lot of the old Silent Hill games with disturbing images, depressing characters, and how events in the game symbolize aspects of the main character's life. It's great at setting up a dark and creepy mood, making me think that I'll get attacked at any moment. It's creeped me out so much that I've had difficulty going to sleep for the past few days, but I don't want to put the game down. I do think that I'm nearing the end of it, so hopefully I'll be able to sleep again, at least until I play the next game that scares me.

Well, I should probably end this here for now. Hopefully I'll try to actually keep this one up to date and not write my next entry almost a year later again. Thanks for reading.