Raizu's Journal: Life Outside Roleplay

[raizu kagurai]

Whether anyone intends to pay attention to this or not doesn't matter to me. I simply want a place to express myself on how my days go and perhaps find peace within myself as lately things are a bit hectic or at least aggravating in my life. starting with my past and how i ended up where i'm at now.

So if anyone reads through this and has something to say about it go right ahead.

Entry #1

I've been in the roleplaying area in some form or another since around 2006 or 2007 maybe even a little before that. Back when Myspace chat rooms were decent and before it took a shit. I was the typical person who found it easy to simply take a character and become them and shut ou everything outside. I was the one that was targeted by bullies and the like simply because I was the new kid in town, since I was the quiet one nobody new. As a result I found myself letting my inner self fade into my character in myspace, back when T2-T4 style roleplaying was active in chat rooms I spent hours doing that just for the fun of it.

shortly after was when things at least started to look up for me. My first girlfriend(even thought it was long distance) we had things in common that i never thought we would. but even so everything seemed so much better back then, happier even. But the only thing I failed to realize was that long distance relationships come with a bit of a price.The lack of physical contact puts strain on the relationship, no matter how much love or time is put in, the lack of that physical relationship will always get in the way. Because of this, I missed the fact that she didn't exactly like the idea of me roleplaying with others, regardless of how much I love and cared for her. Maybe it was my mistake maybe not.

But where things went wrong is when I decided to deny it, even when she caught me. I lied because I was afraid, afraid of losing the only thing that seemed to bring any kind of light into the darkness of my life. and just because of that fear I lost her anyway. But the worst part was she did the same thing but in reality had sex with someone rather than in roleplay. But that's beside the point. the fact is that ever since me and her separated Things had taken a bit of a turn for me. Not necessarily for the worst but it definitely wasn't going anywhere good. And that all happened around 2011-2012 somewhere between there.

Since then she has found someone else and is moving in with them ometime after christmas.(her in louisianna and her boyfriend in Maine.) But what confuses me the most is she says she misses what we had and wished things had been different. That she still loves me and all that stuff. Part of me feels the same because no matter how hard I try I can't let go of that relationship.

As for my own life I am still with no job, despite my degree(perhaps its because of no work experience?) Not really sure..But with loans screwing with my father's credit since i live with him live at home has been hell. When i do everything around the house, I still have parents bitching at me saying I don't do anything..I'm treated like a child and I hate it. I o everything for my family and nothing goes right for me.

If you've read this far I'm sure I know what you're thinking. "God this guy is Depressed" Or maybe even "He's fucking stupid" Or whatever you wanna call me. But given how my life has been I've earned the right to call it what it is and live through it. But if you think otherwise and care then more power to you.

this site is my escape from the bullshit in my life. its the one thing I can enjoy and not worry about being hounded at for small things. Maybe I'm not the only one that has dealt with some sort of pain like this.

to sum this up, I'm just a 22 yr old roleplayer who has had nothing but problems thrown my way. In here, in roleplay, the real me can shine. But outside, I refuse to tell anyone the real me, to tell anyone the problems that truly bother me and bring me down, not even my family.

Treat someone like an outsider for too long and they become one and shun themselves from those who matter.

But still I have to say I have made some friends here whom I enjoy roleplaying with alot and hope things get better. perhaps after venting through this things won't seem so bad.

This will be the only, extremely long entry in this journal, just making it known

 

[raizu kagurai]

Entry #2

Well the only thing new to update here is that yet again I've fucked up. The girl that i loved but was friends with for 8 years(the one i broke up with a year or two ago) has decided to never talk to me again. why that is i wont say but to put it simply she thinks i haven't changed from who i was when we broke up. But how can I show her I've changed in some way when she still holds the past as judgement for what happens now? Either way its over and done with and im sure this time my relationship(friend or otherwise) can't be fixed.

Why is it hard for truly nice guys like me..who simply want everyone around them to be happy, to actually be happy themselves?

Here is something a cousin of mine posted that hits home for me

Everyone will go through some hard times at some point. Life isn't easy. Just something to think about...did you know the people that are the strongest are usually the most sensitive? Did you know the people who exhibit the most kindness are the first to get mistreated? Did you know the ones who take care of others all the time are usually the ones who need it the most? Did you know the 3 hardest things to say are I love you, I'm sorry, and Help me. Sometimes just because a person looks happy, you have to look past their smile and see how much pain they may be in.

relationship issues aside, things at home are getting better to say the least..I can actually enjoy my time away from here without feeling the need to shun everyone.

 

[raizu kagurai]

Entry #3

Well me and my 8 year friend are talking again..sort of. Though she moved up to Maine with her boyfriend and seems to be liking it. As for myself nothing seems to be getting better as far as the issues with people at home. BUT If things go as planned over the next week or so, I might be joining the Marines, to help pay off my school loans and find a career that I might enjoy. Was a last resort decision but nothing else works so perhaps this is the best path to take. So if I suddenly disappear for quite a while then its because I'm in the Marines doing boot camp and what not(possibly, not yet sure).

Had a good Christmas with family but would wish time would fucking speed up a bit instead of the days dragging on forever. Anyway there isn't much more going on as of late so will keep this updated if something new comes up.

 

[raizu kagurai]

Entry #4

Well workout ha begun for me and my road to going into the military. lack of my usual eating habits and nothing but water all day has my stomach turning. That is if that's the cause of it all. Either way I have things set and in motion and hope to find something going positive for me for once.

As for this strange churning grumbling feeling in my gut. I'm not sure if its because of the lack of eating like i used to, or because of seeing the things my ex who i still love so much and she does for me is living somewhat happily with hr curren bf-shrugs-. guess i'll find out after a couple days into my workout progression.

Now I know this may be dumb to ask or whatever..but if she and me broke up and after all was settled and in the past..is it worth holding onto f she says she misses that relationship and still loves me as much as i do her?Is there still a point in holding onto the chance of that love even if she is currently living with her current boyfriend? And to make it a note our relationship was strong for 6-8 years. we now when each other is upset and what not whether on phone or messenger. we know everything about the other.


On a final note, anyone got any good advice on what i should do about this feeling about her?

And anyone have good advice tips or methods for working out to lose weight and gain muscle in my arms? currently don't have access to a gym or such equipment.

 

[raizu kagurai]

Entry #5

Woo!! Finally I'm licensed to drive. issued in Norfolk, Virginia. Now to get a job, get insured and I have my complete freedom as an adult(seeing as i live with my father and stepmother. curse the lack of financial stability to support this 22 year old.)

Anyway, things have finally been looking up for me to those who read this, or even care about the things I write about. I know it's been a while since my last entry but I haven't had such good things going on(same old same old, ex girlfriend problems and the like.)

So after finding out my ex went from being my friend, to outright hating me, despising me for no reason. Her claim being shes felt like that for years now, baffles me but was perhaps the final push I needed to forget about her and move on which seems to have worked wonders so far. Things have looked up for me and I'm on the right track to getting things done. I might even have a job in the next few weeks, depending on what the manager of the place i might work at feels when he gets a new line of work coming in and needs help. So wish me luck.

 

[raizu kagurai]

Entry #6

Well it's been a while since my last entry so I thought I'll put one on here.

Still no job..same old answers when i go places "We're hiring online" I do that and hear nothing back..-_- and hard nothing yet from the guy that called me a few months back for summer work(obviously). But managed to find a way to deal with all the problems here at home and all. Taking things day by day and only focus on the now rather than stress out over every little thing that doesn't work out. Got my friend back, found out that the whole argument was something that shouldn't have happened. But that's nothing new and just glad to have my friend back.

Aside from that nothing new has been going on lately, same old things happening, nothing majorly new aside from all that. But will do my best to keep those who read this updated.

 

[raizu kagurai]

Entry #7

Well Just giving everyone who seems to pay my journal some sort of attention that everything is about the same..jobless, never hearing anything back and all that jazz. Though from the news I'm hearing from my mother who lives out in Ohio(Myself currently in Virginia with my father) I might have to go up there for the summer since the insurance she has me on might not cover me while over here(need wisdom teeth removed, they have holes in them, making eating hard and painful). Meaning I'l have to find me a summer job while I'm there.

And yet I've been trying o figure out if there is any meaning to my friend telling me about her problems with her boyfriend(some of which has made her think about leaving him and returning home. and part of that worry or confusion is given she is my ex who I was with for almost 8 years as explained in my earlier entries) Still working that out and have no idea if it even means anything other than her trusting me and caring enough to tell me these things. But other than all that nothing new is going on here..

 

[raizu kagurai]

Entry #8

I have grown tired of the bullshit in this life..Even though a really wonderful friend of mine on here has given me such wonderful advice on some things..It doesn't shake the fact that nothing has been going right for me at all. Ever since I finished school I have yet to find a ob whether in my career or even a imple job at all..Still alone(No friends, no nothing outside my family to actually hang out with). No matter how hard I try to do stuff around the house I still get bitched at for apparently"sitting on my lazy ass all day" If their was ever a time for me to catch a break now would be the time for it..I'm about on my last straw of patience and just Move back to where I actually matter and where people in the neighborhood are familiar with me..The place I really call home back with my mother in Ohio.

Just as of Late I just feel like I don't belong here where I'm at now..Everything has felt out of place since things fell apart. *Shrugs* Al I know Is I'm just done with it all..And that's the most recent update I have for those who actually pay attention to this journal.

 

[raizu kagurai]

Entry #9

This entry is in referrence to the last one...I have decided to give this one more month..if nothing in this house improves then I will be going back to Ohio..to take a good long break there to get things under control and take my mind of things and get a summer job...A change of scene is needed..But that will not change my activity on this site.

 

[raizu kagurai]

Well it has been a long while since I've updated this or anything..So here's things have been.

Entry #10

Finally back home where I belong in a place where everything used to make sense and didn't feel like I was walking on glass. Gone to a temp agency in hopes of a job somewhere. Takes care of 2/3's of my problems. But as days past it seems even with that something is missing. And when you spend plenty of Me time thinking it isn't hard to understand what it is. And I'm sure I'm not the only one experiencing it, be it now or at some point in the past.

No amount of things can shake or dissipate the feeling and fact of being alone. Family might help, but never enough when seeing everyone happy with someone but you don't. Then I might be the only one dealing with this nowadays idk. But with no job or anything I doubt i will be able to find anybody at the moment. And honestly..My patience for it has about gone. Maybe it's just Karma deciding she isn't done ruining my life yet.

 

[raizu kagurai]

Entry #11

No luck with the job hunt yet...Patience and tolerance for it is probably at the cut of a string..Starting to snap at people here for simple things and what not and its something I don't like to do. And the fact that every step i try and take to get on my feet only has something else pull me down isn't helping at all. Call it bitching thin ill of me honestly I don't care anymore..I grew up around that idea so it won't bother me...Nothing is worse than being 23 years old, nobody wanting to hire you and not having a lover or anything of that sort around you.

Think what you like as i stated before...But this journal here is my place to vent, a place for me to say what's really on my mind because I refuse to tell people in this house about it..What I'm going through is something they won't ever understand..And having them tell me to grow up and get off my ass isn't the kind of advice or nudge I need. But for the people who do read this and care, this is my latest update..and not a very good one to say the least...But hey..another day survived..so hopefully something better happens tomorrow..A guy can hope right?

-Night-

 

[raizu kagurai]

Entry #12

This is more of a question but a bit of an update as well.

Don't know much about certain aspects of the body but can how you feel emotionally and or mentally actually affect you physically? lately stomach has been twisting and turning for no reason, and just been feeling all around crappy. I eat ight and everything and I know for sure I'm not sick or anything like that..any opinions or such would be nice.

 

[raizu kagurai]

Entry #13

WOO!!! finally have a job!! a night stocker at a small grocery store..fucking love it...Everyone's nice, funny and i fit in perfectly with them. So now that i have money coming in, next is a car and I'm one step closer to freedom...Other than that there isn't much else going on other than working taking more time from my presence here than i would like but work is work..