The War Within [malin & YellowSmoke]

[YellowSmoke]

Lara Johnstone


Her father had been drinking again. Upon the aged wooden table - itself a door amongst many into Ray Johnstone's childhood - the whiskey bottle gleamed dully beneath the overhead light, and seemed to shoulder the guilt of the man who lay passed out upon the couch. Lara sighed and flicked the light switch upon the wall, and the tobacco smoke haze of the sitting room disappeared into darkness.

It was past midnight, and outside the house the English countryside slept wrapped in the gloom and chill of late Autumn. This time last year, the Johnstone's had been living in London and nothing seemed out of the ordinary. The twins went to school like most other 15 year olds, Ray and Alice worked during the day and watched television in the evenings. In April, shortly after Tom and Lara's 16th birthdays, Devin had been born.

The newborn infant brought a fresh financial burden upon the family, and following the death of Ray's mother, the family upped and left the city for the countryside, moving into the freshly vacated home where the twins' grandmother had lived since before their father was born. They acquired new jobs, and still nothing seemed out of the ordinary. Then Devin had died. A month later, Alice too fell ill and now she lay comatose in a hospital bed, and the doctors said they had no idea if or when she would awaken. Shortly thereafter, Ray had taken to drinking regularly, and a deathly quietude had crept into the house, broken only by drunken fits of rage brought on by the crushing grief of having lost a mother, a son, and for all intents and purposes a wife - all in the space of a season.

Lara had often heard that in times of strife, family was the one thing upon which you could depend, as though it were some immoveable pillar of strength amid a tempest of grief. In the Johnstone household there was no sign of such a pillar - only distance - and the silence between them spoke volumes. Walking quietly down the hall, her bare feet protruding from the ends of faded jeans, she knocked upon her brother's door and entered without being admitted. She often liked to sit in silence with him, if only to distract herself from the solitary feeling which pervaded the house.

 

[malin]

The season had been indeed harsh and even as Ray slept, the losses had definitely weighed in upon his face. He had never seemed older in his life then after he had taken to drinking, and eyes that were once a happy green had fallen to blood shot, he had stopped caring to shave, and his face was marked with hair, and the start of what could have been considered a beard. Even as he slept his skin seemed filthy both from the alcohol and the tabacoo smoke which had aged his face perhaps more then the whiskey. He was ragged now, when but a few months prior he had been a clean gentleman.

He laid passed out snoring, unaware of anything that really transpired in the house. Even as he slept a shiver crossed him forcing him to adjust in the couch. He had passed out watching what little there was on the TV, and hadn't even cared to move to his bed, simply letting himself fall as it were. He wore a stained white shirt, and lazy pants though he was not fat. Today had been his day off allowing him to simply drink and sleep away the day. With only a small break when he found the house pantry and fridge empty, at which time he had gone to the store to collect food for the house.

Tom was not yet asleep, but he was most certainly silent. Though he spent most of his time inside the house the he had taken to reading as his escape, choosing the comfort of books rather then the people. Hearing the knocks he broke away from the book taken out of it, as he looked up to see his sister. He shared his sisters blue eyes, and youthful face, though it was clear he was often distant. He made no gesture towards her merely nodding as she entered the room, and then returned to the comfort of the pages he was reading.

He was in his pajama's wearing little more then a set of pants to thin to wear outside. His shirt had been forgotten discarded at some point into the hamper and he himself was freshly washed. His hair was even still a bit wet in patches where he had dried himself as thoroughly as needed. With his windows and door shut their was a thick warmth about the room. He didn't even need to use the blankets too keep himself warm. Instead choosing to just lay atop his bed. Eventually as moments passed his eyes turned to Lara, It was rare for them to speak now a days, the words didn't seem to come easy to him. He had been the least happy with the move to the country voicing his displeasure in a passion, and as the time had passed and things got worse and worse for their family he couldn't help but think that he had told them so. He had warned and cursed, and fought tooth and nail that the country would hold nothing for them, and it seemed that to this day even though no one but him would have said it, he was right.

"How were your classes?" Tom said finally settling on finally saying something to his sister. The mediocrity of their school work being the only thing that he could think to bring to mind.

 

[YellowSmoke]

None of the responses which passed through Lara's mind seemed adequate: fine was too evasive, boring too simple; she felt the need to express far more but the words wouldn't come. All she could think of was her father - passed out for the second time this week - and of her fear that this was becoming habitual. At least, she thought, he's silent. As much as she understood his grief, she hated the way in which he responded to it. It was not as if the grief was his alone - it was shared amongst all three of them - and to her at least, he didn't seem to appreciate that fact. She had hoped that he would prove to be the pillar of strength which they so desperately needed, but instead she was left to switch the lights off after he'd passed out drunk; to clean away broken plates left in the wake of angry outbursts; to wallow in self-pity after he'd said things she hoped he didn't mean.

The girl shrugged, and her eyes stayed glued to the wall ahead of her, slouched against its opposite as she was, one shoulder against Tom's bed. "Shit," she replied. "And yours?"

Her head lolled to the right, eyes cast upwards towards her twin. At least I have Tom, she thought. They may each have receded into their own heads of late, but at least she could still take comfort in his presence.

 

[malin]

Tom simply nodded as she said that her day was shit. and turned the page of his book. He took a note of her question, and he gave a small unknowing shrug. He had no friends still at their new school. He was finding it difficult to relate to anyone, and he was pretty sure that his next report card would be less then impressive because he was slacking in a few of his classes. In the moment it seemed like his plan of asking her about school had back fired because he simply didn't want to answer about his own life. Instead he let the topic shrink back into obscurity as his eyes fell back upon his books to read. He blinked only giving a small yawn. Tomorrow wasn't a school day so he felt no real impulse to go to sleep, but at the same time his body felt restless. He was tired but in a different way, and he longed for the access of the city.

In this english country side there wasn't much he could do for any real amount of time. No where he could go, as he did not possess the ability to drive, and on his walks through their immediate area he had found nothing of any real interest only the back woods, that if he were a few years younger he would have loved to explore, but now only saw the place as slightly dangerous, as dark as they were. Turning the pages upon his books he finished another chapter and sighing he closed the book, saving his place with a marker.

He turned himself around so that he laid down upon his bed properly but did nothing more then lay and glance at the cieling. He had nothing here, except for his sister, and with his attempt to stir conversation foiled he simply fell back on saying nothing. He did however like his sister enjoy having her around. He depended on it, as she was the only person he had that he could trust. As their father became more obsessed and more angry, drinking away more of their financial safety every day. It came down to it that he did not trust the man he once knew. Not knowing if he should sleep or not he had no choice but to stay awake and enjoy his sisters company as the two of them had nothing more to speak of, at least nothing he could think as important.

 

[YellowSmoke]

For fifteen minutes silence provided comfort for the twins, before Lara sighed and stood, her breasts heaving as she did so. She leaned over her brother and placed a kiss upon his forehead, and without a word she left for her own room. There was nothing to do in the country, and though she had said nothing about it, she felt that her brother had been right about the move. Everything had been fine in the city, and even if the events which had crippled the family emotionally could not have been stopped by staying there, she would at least have had friends with whom to pass the time. Her father, too, had had friends there, whilst here his only friend was the bottle.

She paused in the hallway and glanced longingly towards the sitting room, recalling the days when her father would get that mischievous twinkle in his eye and she would immediately run from him, grinning as he set after her in a playful chase, his robust hands all set to tickle her if he caught her. These days, his hands tickled little other than that godforsaken bottle. She had cried during the first few days without her mother, afraid that the woman would fail to wake from her coma, but with every passing day she felt more and more numb, and her father's response to the situation only accelerated that.

In her room she undressed and slipped into white cotton pyjamas with little brown teddy bears emblazoned on the surface, and her blonde hair haloed her face as she lay down to sleep. It seemed that her family life had followed her mother into stasis, and it too threatened never to wake.

 

[malin]

Tom watched as his sister left, and the room returned to it's usual mood. Tom was left alone, longing for something he couldn't have it seemed. As much as he desired some form of conversation he had neither the will nor the ability to make it happen. It was all too strained, and the silence was more company then his words could manage to make. Slowly he got into his bed as the noises outside seemed to create a form of comfort. Curling up under his covers he closed his eyes, knowing already that the next day would bring about much the same of the last day. There was no change in this place, this house was nothing more then an ill omen for the people who resided inside of it, and yet he had given up on voicing any of his concerns because everyone else already knew it was true.

~~~

Morning came and with it light. Ray's eyes burned as the window's curtains hadn't been closed. He had slept without covers, leaving his body feeling cold, and the sofa had left his body stiff. Becoming awake his head was felt like it had been hit with a hammer, and for a moment the brightness of the room, and the world it's self seemed to spin and blind him. Ray struggled with the wave of nasua caused no doubt by his new found drinking habit. Though the booze allowed him to forget, it also ruined much of his morning. Getting up and becoming more awake with each passing moment he stood up from the couch where he had made his bed. He muttered something under his breath walking into the bathroom, and going about his morning. Emptying himself, and then washing his hands, and face. Looking in the mirror his face looked more warn then it had in days. The stress of the days clearly weighing in on him, as his eyes were misted over, and his face felt oddly numb.

Walking into the hall he looked at the two doors to his children's room. Were they still asleep even at this hour? Didn't they have chores to do? Walking up to Lana's door he banged upon it. "Lana get your ass out of bed and make some food." His voice was harsh and raspy, as he walked past Tom's room he bashed on it, "Get yer ass up and clean something." He didn't even bother with addressing tom by name rather he walked back down to the sitting room, grabbing his old bottle of whisky, and feeling it lighter then the day prior. Looking down it was empty... and it wasn't even noon yet. Shaking his head he caste the bottle into a trash bag, and walked away from it. He needed to find something that would put his mind more at ease for the day ahead.

 

[YellowSmoke]

Her father's attitude towards her still struck a discord with the man who'd raised her over all these years. Even sober as he was now, the alcohol hung over him as a dark cloud, souring his mood and making him more gruff than she'd been used to. It saddened her, but already the sadness was losing its impact, and the stranger in her father's clothing was becoming pitifully more familiar. Moaning a sleepy reply, Lara sat up in her bed, squinting her eyes against the dim light which passed through her thin curtains, and after a time she pulled herself out from beneath her covers.

Tom had not been called upon, she noticed. In her mother's absence, it seemed that she had been promoted to lady of the house, a position she scarcely desired to hold. By the time she'd showered and rinsed away the morning's drowsiness, the day had passed into early afternoon, and the house greeted her with the stale smell of alcohol and her father's excess. With a grave disinterest, she washed the plates which had been left out, and began to cook a late breakfast of bacon, sausages, eggs and pudding. Her hair hung about her shoulders, drying by the heat of the hob as she cooked, and her slender body was clad in tight jeans and a loose t-shirt.

To break the silence, she turned on the radio - not daring to venture any music of her own choosing in case it upset her father, whom she knew would be hungover - and then called her brother to eat. She idly recalled how - little more than a month or two ago - conversation had flowed at the breakfast table, but as the afternoon progressed she found that the silence remained, and at length she retreated to her room to read. Outside, grey clouds veiled the sun and began to drizzle, slowly soaking the landscape with the insidious, bone-chilling rain of the English countryside.

 

[malin]

Ray and Tom sank into their chairs at the dinner table. Tom had been roused from his bad shortly after Lana, but instead of cooking it now became Tom's job to keep the house in some semblance of running order. It was almost winter, and that meant there was still a lot of work to be done. He spent the morning outside, working on the yard, and cutting logs that they collected. Come winter the houses fire place would be a cheap source of heat for the family, but it took a while to stock up on all the wood that would be needed. Thankfully the rain had waited until after he was done the job to open up, and now Tom sat inside hoping that his hands would warm from the chill.

Ray glanced between his two children. Lana and Tom, were really all that remained of his family. The thought should have stirred him on to wanting to be stronger for them, and yet instead he just felt a small rage that stirred him. He knew that his children probably thought darkly of him, and in truth was angry about that. He was there father, and yet they probably pitied his current state, and the state of which he had let this family become. Sitting down at the table he didn't say a word, his eyes just passed between the two of them. He was wary of them, in truth. He knew Tom was still angry at him for the move, and he believed that Lana had become judgmental of him, what was more he wasn't sure if he deserved her judgement or not. As both the children retired to their chambers to get away from him he sighed a small depression following their absence. he loved his children, but something stopped him from saying that fact out loud.

Tom was the first to Finnish eating. his eyes never really leaving his plate. He didn't even really thank his sister for cooking the meal. He didn't want to speak because he knew that if he did there would be some argument, or something worse that would come his way. as he left the table he walked upstairs, hearing the clutter of the dishes being removed by their father to be placed into the sink and washed. Walking up stairs he looked at the options he had, he could go to his own room, where loneliness and the shadows would greet him, or he could be with Lana, where the silence would torment him. Eventually after a few minutes of deciding he chose Lana, and walked into her room unannounced not even bothering to knock. Walking into the room he gave a bit of a sigh as he sat down with his back to a wall, facing his sister, as she was reading.

 

[YellowSmoke]

The afternoon was slow to pass, though Lara's book - The Elegance of the Hedgehog - brought her respite from the boredom of a rather miserable Saturday. One of the main characters, Paloma, was an unstable but intelligent young girl, who had pledged to kill herself in six months time if she could not find a reason to live. Lara couldn't help but feel a kinship with the young character, and as she read - with Tom's eyes occasionally upon her - she too questioned what reasons she had to live, but could not bring herself to the same commitment which Paloma had made. The thought of death scared her; the blank void after life's end was not a comfort to her and at the very least she had the hope of a better life to keep her going. She also had Tom, and with her emotions pricked by the story within her pages, she raised her eyes to her brother and managed a weak smile.

"What are you thinking?" she asked, and she was truly glad that he was there. They had been so close growing up, and even their fights had tended to end in smiles and laughs. Throughout the years they had conspired in practical jokes against their parents, had defended or comforted each other when their mother or father's wrath fell upon them, and had often slept together in the same bed, side-by-side or in each other's arms. Lara had been the first person to feel Tom's erection pressed against the back of her thigh, though she had not deigned to say anything of it. She loved her twin, and with her family seeming to disappear one by one, in one way or another, it was important that she kept him close.

 

[malin]

Tom glanced towards Lara, as she asked him what was on his mind, it was a difficult question to answer, but at the same time presented him with something he hadn't been faced with in a long time. Actual conversation it was something he could latch onto, and as long as it was with Lara he honestly didn't mind, it felt better then being alone that was for sure. Tom looked towards his sister, and for the first time in a long time gave a small slightly sincere smile. He breathed as he turned up towards her and stretched letting himself get a little more comfortable before he actually answered her question. In making himself comfortable he was hoping that he wasn't taking too long to answer her, but rather making it more apparent that he was trying to think before he gave her an answer.

"I... I was thinking about this house." Not a day went by when he didn't think about this house, and the many topics that were created from it. How much he hated the house, and how much the place was something he disapproved of, yes these were both topics, but they weren't topics he wanted to share. "It's too quiet." His voice was light almost a whisper, and slightly dry from not being used in so long. The house was however always quiet. It was like they could hear a pin drop at any moment, and it was maddening, he was honestly glad that he had Lara's voice too latch onto, at least for a little while anyway. "What about you, what do you think about?"

 

[YellowSmoke]

"Nothing," his sister replied after a shrug. "I'm tired of thinking. I just want to get absorbed in my book and forget about everything that's happened..." Her lips shrugged ruefully, and there was a sorrow in her gaze as she turned it upon Tom. They'd been through it all together - the good and the bad - and now they were here in this house together, and it was too quiet. It was disquieting too, and had she been alone here there she did not know if she could keep up the façade. She'd taken on all of her mother's duties around the house save for those pertaining to her father, who should have been old enough and experienced enough to fend for himself, but that didn't seem to be going too well... unless it involved seeing to his having a drink.

"Do you think we could be doing more to help Dad? He's not taking any of this well, and we've been through enough without him becoming an alcoholic." He should be able to take care of himself, she thought again, and knew that he should also have been taking care of herself and Tom, but the twins had been left to fend for themselves against grief and heartache. A family night would have been nice; watching a film together or at least reminiscing over dinner, but all they'd gotten of late was silence and then they would part, their father taking alcohol as his companion in the absence of his children. It was sickeningly ironic: Devin had probably weighed not much more than a bottle of whiskey when he died, so frail and sickly had he been. If only he had lived... Lara was sure her mother would not have grown ill, and she was sure that they would have adapted to their new surroundings and gotten on in life. But now...

 

[malin]

Tom had certainly gotten his wish, and for the first time in a long time he was dealing with his sister. There was an actual conversation, but that conversation had taken a rather sour note as soon as she had mentioned their father. Tom was bitter still about the present conditions of their family life, but even more so when it came to their father. If there had been one person they were supposed to look up to in this situation was their father, and yet Ray had not become a pillar of strength he had become a shallow image of his former self. Tom had a hard time hiding his disgust when it came to their father. "I don't really know." He said quietly.

It was already hard for Tom to admit that he was having a hard time with just the silence of the house. He didn't want to have to deal with what their father had become, or just how bad their family had fared. Yet it was the biggest conversation the two needed to have, and it was a conversation. "I could take over some of the shopping duties, at least then he wouldn't be able to get his hands on another bottle of alcohol. It's a bus ride into town, and it might take me a few hours, but I could go tomorrow." The plan would of course leave Lara alone with Ray, but that was hardly new, and the adventure of it would give Tom something to do, and at worst a chance to get out of the house for a few hours that alone seemed worth the trip.

"I don't know if there is much else that I can think of to help someone like him." Tom avoided calling ray their father, there had been a shift in the family dynamic that he had felt as of late. Ray may have looked like their father, but to Tom, he didn't act like the man he used to know. He wasn't the father that they needed or remembered. He wanted to add that Lara wasn't their mother, and that she didn't need to take on every responsibility that she once had. There was nothing more they could do to really look after their father, all they could really do was look after each other. To Tom it seemed almost like their father needed something that the two children couldn't have provided.

 

[YellowSmoke]

Someone like him... It saddened Lara to hear the distance her brother's words implied, but it was nothing she had not seen the roots of. She could understand the why of it, but she still held a great deal of compassion for their father - or the man he had been, at least. There had to be a way that she could help him, even if Tom seemed to have already lost all faith in him.

"I don't know... if he wants to get alcohol, he'll get it. I mean... you can try, but there has to be something more we can do..." Even as she pondered what could be done, the weight of the situation weighed heavily upon her, threatening to suck away all her positive intentions. She glanced down at her lap and her book stared back up at her; Monsieur Ozu would not give up so easily. "Maybe I'll suggest going for walks together; at least it will get him out of the house and maybe he won't feel so lonely. We could all go together." Her eyes returned to Tom and she felt that this was the point where she should smile, but she had too little optimism from which to draw one, and she regardless of how her brother felt about the idea, she sensed pessimism on his behalf. "Or you don't have to... I dunno. He might not even want to."

The thought of him declining her offer added to the weight on her shoulders; what else could they do? She wanted to help him but what if he didn't want to be helped? What if he'd given up on himself the way she feared Tom had?

 

[malin]

Tom liked the idea of getting out of the house, that was why he was volenteering to do the shopping after all, but at the same time he did not want to take a walk with their father. Maybe it was sad, but at the moment he couldn't stand the man he had become, and the last thing he wanted to do was spend more time with that man. So the two thoughts that mixed with Lara's suggestion didn't mix well enough for him. He soured slightly and looked away from his twin sister. "Feel free to go out with him, but I'll go and do the shopping while your gone."

Tom knew that Lara wanted them to do something as a family, but Tom wasn't ready. He didn't want to be near their father, and he didn't want to be near this house. To him it seemed like almost a betrayal. Sure walking would be an easy activity, and it would probably help their father to explore one of the many hiking paths that extended into the forest that was their back yard, but tom still couldn't stand the thought of being near what their father had become for an extended period of time. He didn't want to deal with that.

"Maybe you can lighten his spirits, but I think I would only bring the two of you down." Tom wasn't sure why, but he was starting to think that he was partly to blame for everything that was befalling their family as of late. It hurt him to decline the offer like it did, but at the same time he couldn't be with their father, not yet. Maybe if Lara was able to reach their father with these walks then he might start going on them, but for the moment he had to stay away for his own sanity.