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Star Pupil

Star Pupil

Old soul
Joined
Apr 30, 2011
Location
Valhalla
So I've been coming back and leaving for a year or two. The reason for this is for the past year or two I've been working full time and supporting myself. Apparently my brain decides to shut off when I only have four or five hours of free time, so I just lose interest in everything including writing, drawing, and the vidya.

I don't think a lot of people even remember me at this point, but if I had a project with you a few months ago I'm sorry I up and left.

I should be back. Seriously. For cereal this time guys.

Mostly because I am moving back in with my dad next month because I lost my job and decided that going to school was my best option.

So yeah, I'll be trying to start up some new roleplays. If you recognize me and was playing with me for a little bit, I'm sorry I disappeared.
 
Don't ever trust me when I say I am coming back.

Truth is I've felt detached from the internet for the past two years...nothing has been able to keep me here. I really want to roleplay, but I'm having difficulties finding a partner that can keep my interest. Sometimes it's not their fault...sometimes the entire thing just goes too slow and I forget to log in one day...and then the days after that.

I kind of miss when I had a presence here, when people would go out of their way to just say hi to me and I could just talk. I don't have any friends where I live right now, and I have no idea how to make friends in a new town at all. My closest friends are now my distant ones. I have my boyfriend to talk to, but that's about it. Sometimes it's just not enough, especially considering we are two different people, and sometimes he just doesn't want to talk.

Considering my past, I'm too scared to start posting again. Too scared to try and interact with everyone without coming across wrong. I only post this because I know more or less my posts go ignored in journals along with most other places.

Though I believe that is why I leave so easily, because when you are unknown it's easy to just disappear. No one notices or cares really. Same thing happens when I go to comic book stores or parties...I just am too scared to talk to people.

Hopefully one day I can get over this fear. I'm a different person than before. I've grown more.

But until then I'm going to be stuck with this incredibly empty and lonely feeling. Better buy more games to fill the void.
 
BD...you should know by now that you are part of the BMR family. Always were, always will be. So no matter how long you disappear for, when you return, as long as I'm here, you'll be welcome back with open arms. And I'm pretty certain that there are a fair number out there who agree with me on that. <3 Good to see you about.
 
It's been a really long time since I have roleplayed here and I'm afraid I put way too much on my plate right before starting a new job. I still have my Group roleplay to start but I have been focused on about five or six roleplays and I haven't had the inspiration to start it yet, ughhh. Though I am having a lot of fun with my current roleplays and they have definitely helped with my...err...dry spell of a sex life these days.

Things are going good in my life right now despite begging my boyfriend to have sex with me. I'll have to learn some time management over the course of the week with my new job, to balance work and roleplaying. I also have to be careful not to burn myself out too quickly.

I also spoke to someone I haven't spoke with in a long time and it was really cool and nostalgic. Today was an awesome day.
 
We miss you in the group roleplays section. Astra is lifeless without you! Don't worry about not being good enough or anything like that - we love your idea for the roleplay and we'll drink up whatever you give us to work with.

And I've seen your picture; there is no fucking way you should be begging anyone to have sex with you, girl! You're lovely and exotic. If he's ignoring your needs at this point in life don't expect him to change. For what it's worth, I think you should and could have someone who's eyes light up when you walk into the room. From what I've read on BMR you are creative and smart. Add that to your gorgeous features and you are someone who young men should by craving to be around.

*Hugs to you* This song's for you.
 
Awww thank you so much! I will really try to get a handle on the group roleplay this weekend. You have motivated me. :p

And as far as my boyfriend goes, I'm just trying to give him a chance. If we don't work out, then I'll move on and stop wasting my time. I've been with him going on seven months now.
 
It's good to see you energized.

And... I'm certain that I speak for many when I say we support whatever decision you make. You're too wonderful to stay stagnant in anything too long.

Now off to read your post!!! Yay for Astra!
 
So I am stuck between a rock in a hard place.

My job is going oh so well...except I get payed next to nothing. At first I didn't care about that because I lived with my boyfriend, but as the days go by, I'm starting to get highly aware that I am miserable with this man. I try to rationalize it, and I've even gone as far as convincing myself that things will change when he's older, but then I remember that I'm miserable and it's more infuriating that he is content with what he has...me.

I am just a warm body to lay next to, a face to look at when he comes home. He tells me if he wanted anything more like, I dunno, actually talking to me, he'd be needy. Implying that I am needy. Maybe I am, but honestly all I really want is to just have someone to talk to when I get home. About stuff and things....it's so much easier when you actually have something in common. At first I thought we had a lot in common but it turns out our opinions are quite the opposite. I can't enjoy watching anything anymore, because he cannot watch it. I love king of the hill, but he literally threw a tantrum one day about it and I had to stop watching it.

I'm slowly realizing that I don't have the patience, nor the time to deal with this. If things don't get better next week, I'm going to be looking for a second job so I can move into my own place. I'm really tired being alone when I fucking live with someone.
 
Hahaha, thanks...you're making me blush~

If I am lucky the job I have now will give me a better position where I can actually make living wage. I'll learn more about it next week. There is a nice one bedroom I've been eyeing down the street that's nice enough considering the area.
 
I have a couple times, it's nice for a while but then you get lonely. Though I am already feeling that way now. Difference is that I can get a cat if I live alone.
 
So, out of a need for cash I decided to participate in a study for people with depression. It's 50 dollars every office visit which is once a week. An extra two hundred bucks a month sounded awesome. When I was in the seventh grade I was diagnosed with depression and for a short time I was on medication for it, but then I stopped taking it. I never really wanted to use drugs to stabilize my mood, but you know, now that I'm older and need money I didn't really see the problem with it. If I didn't like it, I could always stop taking it, and best of all I'm getting an actual, tested and approved drug along with the experimental additive for fucking free.

The first day I didn't really feel much different. Though I was a little more outspoken than usual with my boyfriend. The second day, I got stood up by two people(double rejection) and I didn't even give a flying fuck. I wouldn't call this happiness, but it's a step above the crippling despair that I usually experience whenever a plan is ruined. Then later that night, I confirmed this drug IS elevating..or numbing my moods, but my boyfriend straight up told me "It's not going to get much better than this."

I didn't get mad, I didn't cry...I just felt...reasonably perplexed? I took a shower, laid down and went to bed. I thought I would be thinking about it, but I wasn't. It's whatever. Though now I have to figure out whether or not to break up with him while I live with him or continue on working to move out and THEN break up with him.

It's so much easier to live with someone else, and if I had it my way we could just break up but then work out some sort of domestic partnership together until we are both in better spots where we can take care of ourselves. But would that complicate things further? Then there is the matter of what happens if either one of us finds someone else. Especially me. This year I had several candidates for relationships, so much more than I'm used to. Though I really don't want to be in a relationship for a long time once I get out of this one. It's not even so much as focusing on me, it's just that for once I want to spend time getting to know someone first. Like, really getting to know them.

And instead of entering a relationship reluctantly, hoping that my bad feelings and intuitions aren't true, I want to actually want it one hundred percent. I want to feel like there is no obstacles to get over in our relationship. I don't want to have to change anyone, or hope to change them. And for gods sake, I'm not dating anyone who doesn't know how to drive again. Ever.

I once saw it as being shallow, but now I'm realizing as an adult, I have more needs. I need someone who is self sufficient, responsible, and knows how to treat me.

But fuck, I don't need them right away. I can wait.
 
Glad to hear the meds are helping. You deserve more confidence, and hopefully this will provide that, at least in some measure.

I wouldn't bother breaking up until you can leave, if I was in your place. Mostly because you're not going to be able to have a new relationship that's a worth anything while you live with your ex. 'Still lives with ex' might be the biggest red flag of all.
 
Trygon said:
Glad to hear the meds are helping. You deserve more confidence, and hopefully this will provide that, at least in some measure.

I wouldn't bother breaking up until you can leave, if I was in your place. Mostly because you're not going to be able to have a new relationship that's a worth anything while you live with your ex. 'Still lives with ex' might be the biggest red flag of all.
Click to expand...

I think it will. It's not even the full dosage they want me on, they started me off slow.

Yeah, I was thinking that too. Though as I expressed before I am not really interested in being in a relationship. If I become romantically interested in someone while I live with him though, it is going to be a pain in the ass. Even though right now I'm not ready, that doesn't mean anything if I fall in love on accident.

Oh yeah, the job I'm working now is talking about making me full time...if that happens I can't get a second job and they don't pay me well enough to even think about moving out working that job alone. It will be months before I see a pay increase. I want to be happy but it sucks for me if I want to live alone.
 
It's almost been a full week since I've been taking wellbutrin and I am feeling amazing. At first I was a little crampy and it was painful but I'm glad I stuck with it. I am feeling better and better each day and am even coming out of my shell a little bit. I decided to become more active on the non roleplaying part of the boards, kind of like old times. I remember the days where posting in the introduction forums were a regular thing for me, and for a lot of other people too. I don't think it's because a lot of people join every day, I just genuinely think that a lot of people don't even bother to open up that forum.

I will start from there and work my way up back into general discussion. I don't feel that sense of paranoia anymore where I'm going to cause some type of drama. I guess I'm finally getting comfortable again now that I'm feeling better about myself. It makes me so happy. I really hope I get some good news Monday and they accept me in the study.

Only complaint I have is that it's become a little harder to sleep, and stay asleep. Though I am told eventually that side effect will wear off.

I finally don't dread waking up in the morning. I just get up and function. I haven't done that in a long time.
 
I'm glad that you're feeling better!

I was wondering about your living arrangement; are you still forced to share a bed, or are you able to have your own space? Maybe not sharing a bed will help. You don't want to 'break up' yet but he's still getting the benefits of what he wants from you without giving anything in return. It's horrid to live with someone and be alone. It's even worse when they're using you and they don't appreciate you.

Maybe something will open up for you soon. Maybe even a room rental in a household of college girls or something. It would be more equal for you than what you have now. I hope you continue to get better and you're able to get good sleep!

Take care of yourself first and foremost.
 
I share a bed. Simply because there is only one bedroom and our couch is just not big enough to sleep on. I also have lost a bit of faith in my job over the weekend, even though I had an increase of my hours, so I am trying to focus on it so I can prove myself worthy of the company. If I get a second job right now I am positive they will let me go.

The thing is, I called him out. I told him that since he couldn't give me what I needed(his words) then why are we together? He couldn't think of a response so he said we should break up. So after a bit I asked if I could still stay and he said no. I started reaching out to friends and family and nobody could help me. I cried for a while thinking I was gonna be homeless but he told me he didn't want to give up on this yet...so yeah. I feel really bad about only being with him because I have no place to go..but he's trying. I just know this time around that he is just going to go back to his old habits...
 
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