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JayMatthews1125
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[youtube]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=htQado05J0s[/youtube]
Right now, that song pretty much sums up how I feel right now. Maybe it's the vibe of the song I can find some comfort in right now, but overall, I feel some solace in this song right now. Okay, now onto the reason why I'm here writing this post. I feel like there's nothing left for me to do here, I honestly feel nothing anymore. But it's got nothing to do with writing. I'm probably going to get trolled and flamed something hard for this post, but at this point, I really don't care.
I tend to keep my personal life and roleplaying life worlds seperate, and that's the way I like it, but when the lines start to blur that's when I start to have a problem. I'm involved with a great woman, and I love her more than life itself. Not only is she the woman of my dreams despite our differences, but she's the mother to our child. And for the past couple of weeks, while I've still been writing replies, I've been doing some deep soul searching.
It all started with a PM of someone telling me that they could no longer continue the role we started. Normally when that happens I get bummed out and wish them the best of luck, but this time around, it shook me deeply. This personal basically gave this up for their significant other because they loved them THAT much to give it up and felt like it was putting a strain on their relationship. That got me to thinking, 'You know, my woman is a great woman. What if she found out about what I was doing? I'm sure she'd want me to stop.' So I continued to think about it and think about it for a good while, taking my time with this decision. But there's a little bit more to this story.
My woman was raised Catholic, for a while after we met she stopped going to mass and we went to a church I went to for a while before I found this site. Well after a while, we stopped going to that church and got mixed up in some things and next thing I know, she's pregnant. Being the man of honor I was, I stayed with her, and it was also because I loved her. Once our child was born, she decided to get back to going to church. For a while I thought about going to my own church while she would go to her mass, because I'm not Catholic (I tried it, not my cup of tea). So yesterday morning, while she was gone, I decided to take a chance and try this church I've been hearing about that I live close to. When I walked in, I didn't think anything too much of it, but then something hit me.
For those I roleplay with and those who know me through PM chats here and there, they know I've been suffering with depression for a good while, and I still do. While the praise and worship band was playing their music, there was one song that stood out the most to me. As I listened to it, I fell to the floor and started to cry heavily, for reasons I don't know why. I felt such guilt, such shame, such sorrow in my heart for everything I was doing wrong in my life. I felt God speak to me and convict me, basically telling me I was far from Him and that He was ready for me to come home. This was the first time in a couple of years I felt God's presence within me. Through my crying, a couple of people came and prayed over me. Then the pastor basically spoke a word over the congregation as the music was ending and he said, "Out there is a spirit of depression, a very crippled and broken spirit in need of love." He asked the crowd to pray over each other and for the first time in a long time, I felt that love that was missing in my life. Sure, earthly love from those you care deeply about, but the love from God, is something that cannot even be began to be described.
It was also then I decided to rededicate my life to Jesus Christ. Something that was missing for far too long. As I was coming home, I then felt God tell me that it was "time to step up." So this is my way of stepping up, saying goodbye. I've already told my woman about this place and that I'm never going back again and she was hurt, as I had figured she would have been. But in the end, she loves me enough to forgive me and move on. I told her that I was completely done with this place. And it's just that...I'm done. It's not that I'm bored, lost my creative energy. It's not my frustration of losing partner after partner, it's because this is the right thing to do. I love this woman with all that I've got within in, and she doesn't know this yet, but I'm going to ask her to marry me...a little later down the road, once this blows over. I know now's not the time and I want to fix my self before I enter into a marriage. I don't want her to deal with my emotional baggage, I want her to marry me when I feel whole. So with that being said this is goodbye.
Now I know there are several people on here who don't believe in God, and that's okay. You have your beliefs and I have mine, I'm not trying to get you to go my way or anything. I've never been like that, I respect the beliefs of others. So as some of you will read this and laugh at my decision, that's your choice. I've made mine and I'm proud of it. Also, right after I post this, I'm going to be sending a PM to the admins asking that my account be deleted from the site. For the times I did enjoy on here, thank you all. It was fun while it lasted, but now, I've gotta go find myself again and grow closer to my very first best friend, Jesus Christ.
So long and God bless,
Jay
