Blood in the Water - Red7's Journal

[RedSeven]

(Please ignore this post if you don't have a reason to read. Just venting some darkness and sadness.)

So, I suppose it's time I started one of these for my slow downs and to just put out some thoughts when I feel like it. I find as I get older I feel like spouting out my wisdom that really isn't wisdom but hard earned recognition of the currents in life. Life lied to me, it told me I would be different when I'm older and I don't feel that much different inside or out really. So, since this is my first post and I'm feeling pretty miserable, which causes me to do stuff like this, I guess I should give a bit about me.

Once upon a time I was a tried and true romantic and emulated Cyrano feeling like some ugly man who love would set free. And then I fell in love. and then I had my heart broken. And then I repeated a few more times. And then I got my act together and got better mentally and physically. I always thought myself a better man but I learned I wasn't and probably did some things I wouldn't have done before I was good and full of myself, a fact that still bothers me. And then I loved and got hurt a few more times before I finally moved from becoming a romantic to a realist.

What's the difference? Not much other then the realist at least sees it coming.

I have a beef against life really at this point. I have always bought into the bullshit idea that my life and myself would be better and wiser when I got older. Guess what kids, it's bull. Sure, I'm not as fucked up as that fat kid in middle school or that muscle bound Jackass in Chicago, but I sill feel broken and like I will never be fixed. *sigh* You know, characters in games get XP and get better, characters have arcs and grow, movies have the 3 act structure. All damn lies. People wonder why there are people that lose themselves in games and movies and stories, why people become Trekkies or Star Wars fanatics or any of the other things. Most people find them pathetic but I kind of admire them, I wish I could hid away from reality in that small way they do.

I hate having to be strong sometimes. I need to be weak sometimes, I need to be held up. It sucks having to be the one that has to sacrifice and give of themselves but find themselves lacking when it comes their turn. I need to learn to say, 'what about me?' Perhaps on my next birthday, one year older, one year wiser my ass.

*Deep breath* So, that's me. Sarcastic, deep, dark, whiny, introspective, ugly bastard who really is better with age, just not as better as he had hoped.

And please forgive, felt the need to vent with this first post, I'm having a very bad week and it's just began. I'm having a very bad day and it's almost over but not sure it's going to get better.

So, you can consider this all just a bit of a... you know, if I'm slow in response it's because I'm having muse problems. Although I need my pain to write too much overwhelms the muse and makes it hard to focus sometimes. Plus, half the day I'm on my cell and I'm too old to figure out how to type on my virtual keyboard like all you youngin's.

-Red

 

[RedSeven]

Wow... ok.. to lighten the darkness... some random cuteness... because it's my journal and because I don't want to cry.

 

[darkangel76]

I know I don't really know you or you know me... I mean, not really as we've not really interacted much. But I do know we're of approximately the same generation and thus I do have an idea on how you feel in regards to some things... at least from certain perspectives. I know what it's like to feel old, yet young (hell, I still get carded, which is beyond hilarious and then get double takes when they look at my ID)...to have experience, yet no one seems to take you seriously or give a shit...to have people not 'get you' because of one reason or another...the list goes on.

Anyway, after reading your journal, I just felt compelled to write a post... to let you know someone actually read it. And I mean, read it all the way through. I do hope you find a way to crawl out of the darkness and find the light that will make you smile, truly smile. So, here's to that. And, I have to say, the cuteness of those piccies definitely helps. *nod nod...smiles*

 

[RedSeven]

Thank you. I appreciate the thoughts and the words. Yep, being part of the Pepsi Challenge/New Coke Generation give you some similarities. Yeah, if I'm clean shaven and my hair in a pony tail, I still get carded sometimes. But if I forget when I have facial hair to color it, yes, I'm getting grey damn it, then I get asinine comments from young store clerks. Like I was in a convenience store picking up some Mt. Dew and the kid was like, that's a lot of caffeine. And I mentioned I've been drinking it since I was a kid so I was pretty much immune to the caffeine. And he said... "Did they have Mt. Dew back then."

O.O

I have never felt so old. And I've never wanted to slam a persons head into those glass lotto displays they have built in the counters of some stores sooooo badly.

And again, thank you. I always eventually find my way out of the darkness. I just wish I didn't end up back in there again sometime down the line. But live and... you know... whatever.:dodgy:

 

[RedSeven]

So... using this as intended.

Apparently I have a lot more things that need to get done this week then I thought. That whole being an adult thing. So, my posting rate may be slow for those few I post with though I am trying to find time, most days this week I will be coming home much later.

 

[RedSeven]

So, I've begun to hanker to write my own solo stuff again. Nothing against the people I work with, they are brilliant and if it wasn't for them I'd probably have given up on writing period. I did give up for like three years and have only recently been drawn back in. So, props to my writing partners for the RP's I have going.

But still, there are just some works I wouldn't subject a partner to and the vision of the story is too strong to want to have someone else change things. Also, my short work capabilities have always been pretty poor so I'm hoping to hone my short story abilities. I have a tendency to turn every idea into a novel and then never get to writing it. I'm a very bad procrastinator so it doesn't help. So, I was doing some work on another site but don't have the feel of that anymore.

So, I'm going to make use of BMR to tell some of these solo stories. I invite anyone's comments and criticisms of the work as I'm always looking to get better and I love to know that I did good. Like most writers, I have a very clouded, judgmental view of my own stuff and usually think it's all crap. I've gotten better on this but I still love to hear the good and hear where I can improve. I know tense is one of my biggest issues but I'm not worrying on these as much. But, I invite anyone to please leave their comments and criticism here in my journal, or if you are too shy about such things, feel free to PM me. Despite being cantankerous and sarcastic, I'm a pretty nice guy and I always try to be polite.

- Red

 

[RedSeven]

Not that I have much going on here, but a heads up for those I do write with. I may be slow posting Saturday and possibly the weekend in general. I'm having relationship issues and we've decided to do something this weekend just for us, to see if we are still workable I guess.

 

[RedSeven]

I may be slow in posting the next few days. Having some personal drama. For the first time in 8 years, I have doubts that my relationship with my long time girlfriend is going to last. Feeling a bit... cold inside. And, I think the stress of it all is becoming physical as my back and body hasn't hurt this much... well, ever. At least not this long. So, posting may be spotty for a few days.

 

[RedSeven]

I may be slow posting most days this week except perhaps Wed due to my work. I am interviewing for a new position at my job and if it goes well, I have to work on making a PowerPoint presentation on my own time to give sometime after that. So, between the work and the stress of that, I may not have much online time. Hard to say at this point.

As a side note, to look more 'professional' for my interview, I've had to cut off my lovely long hair. I have been a bit of a heathen and letting my hair grow for about a year and a half to two years. It was down to my shoulder blades. And now it's all gone. *sniff* Between that and having previously shaved my Lemmy beard, I feel so plain.:-/

 

[LingeringDesire]

Hugs for you. Poor guy such big changes. But it'll be worth it if you get it, right?

I look forward to when you can post. Server move and all so no biggie.

Good luck on the interview and my thoughts shall be with you.